This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Newbie 1 month, 1 week ago.
May 29, 2019 at 10:32 pm #751765
Hi everyone I really need some help and advice on something that I went through this weekend. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 and half years. He has been nothing but a good boyfriend to me, but he’s had some anger issues and drinking problems. I think this stems from his parents having problems and his dad being unfaithful to his mother.
We were at a wedding this weekend, and we were having a good time but of course there was a lot of alcohol and he basically blacked out. This wedding was his high schools friends so he saw a lot of his old friends from middle school and high school. On our way home when I got him to some what get his act together my phone died and I asked for his. I then saw a message from one of the girls who was at the wedding. They were talking back and forth and he was asking to hang out with her after. Texts along the lines of him wanting to spend the night with her, and to have her send her location so they can meet up. I immediately freaked out and wanted nothing to do with him. The next day comes he tries to come say sorry because he said he blacked out and didn’t remember a thing!!!!!!! He said he had no idea what he was doing that he would never hurt me…I am like stuck not knowing what to do. Idk if I should believe him? Or was there more to what he was doing? He said he has a lot of insecurities so he thinks maybe that’s why? I don’t know!!! I can’t understand why he did this when he has been nothing but good to me.
Please help.May 29, 2019 at 10:41 pm #751767
I would break up. What drunk is doing -he is thinking about it soberMay 29, 2019 at 11:52 pm #751773
Thoughts?May 30, 2019 at 1:36 am #751774
Anger issues and drinking problems. Not the best. Imo. What do you want from this guy because it it’s kids and marriage. It’s going to be really hard. What are his actual problems ? Ask yourself is this what you want to be living with for the rest of your life.May 30, 2019 at 3:30 am #751775
Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and gives you bad judgement, but it doesn’t alter your personality – it’s like showing your id- raw, unfiltered you.
So he’s got a streak that wanted to flirt and hook up with someone. Lots of people have that streak. The fact he was pursuing it is worrying though, as if you weren’t there, would he have gone and passed out on her instead?
After 5 years I’d put him on a final warning at this point, and have a serious talk about his drinking. You don’t want to be trying to keep him quiet when he’s drunkenly stumbling around when baby is sleeping, you don’t want to be fretting about where he is and what he’s doing.May 30, 2019 at 6:59 am #751777
The guy was trying to hook up with other women. I’d be uber pissed and wouldn’t want to make it work. Leave the guy. Drunk or not he doesn’t love you. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been texting another woman asking to spend the night.May 30, 2019 at 7:21 am #751782
Hes a drunk, with anger issues, and he was texting and trying to hook up. What would’ve happened had you NOT seen his phone? Has he done this before? That would be my concern.
I’d drop him. I know 5 years is a long time, but your trust level wont be the same. And I wouldn’t trust someone who wanted to hook up with a stranger while you were there…at the same event in the same building…May 30, 2019 at 7:54 am #751791
I could truly understand your anger; however I also believe this needs to be a turning point in your relationship or its going to be far worse than some hook up but potential a potential vehicular homicide if he’s behind the wheel in a drunken state and that IMO would be the most alarming.
Men are human and going to F up and do really stupid things they regret later. Would he have actually gone through with it? That’s for the two of you to sit down, talk about it calmly and figure out if it was drunken inhibition or it’s something he’s been craving for awhile (thinking about a lot) as that is natural for men to do…if you were loaded with testosterone you would too!
However my biggest concern for you is the alcohol! That is the primary issue here as alcoholics will suck you dry and drive you insane by doing much stupider stuff than this!!! This is the REAL PROBLEM, the other is nothing compared to the misery you will live in day-to-day with an alcoholic. That’s the ELEPHANT in the room so I would address that and if he refuses to get that resolved as well as his ‘anger issues’ then I would seriously consider walking. Read “Co-dependent No More….” by Melody Beatty. That will be you and your life if you stay with this man, take it from a former co-dependent who’s been there and would never ever ever ever do it again!!!May 30, 2019 at 10:04 am #751828
As Lane says the alcoholism is the elephant in the room but there is another one. The fact you’ve been dating for five and a half years and this hasn’t moved forward tells me a lot.
My parents got divorced because my dad cheated on my mom but that didn’t give me anger issues and drinking problems. You are making excuses for him. And him having insecurities could be why he did this? Really? Do you buy this bullsh@t? I also agree alcohol lowers inhibitions and people generally do and say things which have been on their mind but subconsciously.
Is this girl an ex or someone he dating in high school? Has she been in his phone previously or did he get her number at the wedding?May 30, 2019 at 11:33 am #751846
He got her number at the wedding apparently. I understand about the alcohol thank you everyone. It’s just been a rough time because he had NEVER done anything like this to me. It just came out of nowhere.May 30, 2019 at 12:07 pm #751851
I can see how you’d be confused — he claims to not remember a thing so is it fair for you to be mad at someone who doesn’t remember what they did? But then again, it wasn’t like he was sleep walking. He was awake. And VERY drunk. And what if he actually went through with it? Yikes.
I think you should tell him to give you some space so you can think about this, then let it settle down then actually think about it. What kind of advice would you give your little sister (imagine that you have one, and how would you help her handle it). Talk to him in a week and see if you need more time.May 30, 2019 at 12:34 pm #751863
All I can say is this is the first time you caught him. You don’t know how many other times you didn’t.May 30, 2019 at 1:16 pm #751877
The real issue here is the anger issues and alcohol.
You breezed over that.
If it were me I would sit him down and have a talk about that.
Express to him your concern and that you think he needs to get help to address these issues.
If he is not willing to make a change its time to leave.August 9, 2020 at 10:38 pm #801035
I’m honestly going through the same thing. I left my fiancée for doing the same thing with an old friend of his that has always seemed to pop up. She always known her place. But one night he sent her all these things about being together and complimenting her and that broke me. I decided to give him another chance but I just can’t think of how I’ll function living with a person who said those things to another woman. I don’t think I will ever trust him the Same even if we take therapy and I put in the work. He hasn’t mentioned anything about his inclination to find us help. Makes me think I gotta do all the work. The crappiest part is he’s always been such a great man but that damn drinking problem destroyed us. Or maybe he just had it in him. I don’t know how old this is but I hope you made a wise decision and you’re in a stable and happy environment. We all deserve the best of the best.August 10, 2020 at 12:57 am #801043
Hi, Jessica. I really feel for you on this one, because I know I’d be devastated if this happened to me. It’s so easy for us all to say break up with him, but you two have been together for many years and I know it’s not that easy. That being said, I don’t think I could stay with a man who did this to me regardless of how long we were together. It’s no excuse to say he was blacked out and didn’t remember. Clearly he was interested in hooking up with another woman and that’s not okay. And if he has a serious alcohol problem, God knows what else he could end up doing. I hate when men use the excuse, ‘but I was drunk’. That doesn’t excuse anything. He was actively trying to be unfaithful and there is no excuse for that. Could you actually trust him after this? I know I couldn’t. It’s going to be extremely difficult, but I really do think you should break it off. If you can’t trust your man, there’s no point in being with him and it will always make you anxious and suspicious. I’m so sorry this happened to you.August 10, 2020 at 4:36 am #801077
This guy has deep issues. His background says he comes from people who had issues. Legacy. I would think long and hard if this is something you want to deal with for the rest of your life. Love is not enough – behavior is important.August 10, 2020 at 9:09 am #801105
This in an old post. Ilean you can start your own threat so people respond to yours. My perspective is simple: dont do this again. Stop seeing this man, break all coords. If he was sort of cheating, drinking and now shows no signs of really try again he is not really in love with you. His heart is not yours. Probably alchohol has it. Really move on