Taking a month off of no contact


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This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  val 1 month, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #783793 Reply

    val

    My ex and I recently broke up in November because I had to move to a different state for medical school. We were together for 3 years and very much in love. Unfortunately, long distance was not working out and we decided to mutually break up until he moves to the same area as me by the fall. Recently, there has been tension with the distance and officially not being together that has caused us to argue more than we have in the past. We decided to not talk for the next 4 weeks and reflect on what we want. He comes into town for business at the end of feb and we will have dinner and rehash how we are feeling then.
    After the conversation, I was feeling pretty upset but he sent me a cute text message that made me realize that it will be okay. I understand now is the time to take care of myself and spend time with friends..be thankful for what is going on right now. But I do hope that when I see him next (in a month) we are on the same page of trying to work things out come the fall. I guess what I would like to know is have any couples on here had a period of not talking and it worked out for the best? To take a breather and collect your thoughts?

    #783794 Reply

    Khadija

    Any is possible.
    Keep in mind the distance will continue you on for at least 6 months.

    If you two are to make this work then communication is key.
    Most men have a difficult time with LDR’s so he might not want to continue on.

    Just come to the dinner with an open mind. If this is meant to be things will work out.

    #783796 Reply

    val

    Thanks for the advice Khadija.

    He comes to my area once a month for work and I am able to visit him once a month but obviously the distance is still pretty crappy.

    He keeps saying that he isn’t ruling out a future with us.

    I am just trying to stay positive in this month of silence. I know it is the best option for us now because it will help us both collect our thoughts and not be so emotional. It is just tough.

    #783804 Reply

    LaFrance Thibodeaux

    Val,I’m not trying to be negative,but I want to make you aware of a few things..Please dont get anxious or overwhelmed at what I’m about to relay..Not saying that your guy would do this,but alot of the time guys tend to find comfort in other women when their sorting things out with their main woman..When you guys agreed to mutually break up,that’s an open invitation for all sorts of misunderstandings..Fall is a long time from now,so many things can take place by then..Mindsets & feeling change without warning..Keep in mind that it only takes 30 days for something to become routine,in 30 more days he can become accustom to being without you or you without him..When you guys have this talk be prepared for the worst & pay close attention to detail(body language,eye contact,etc)..Also congratulations on becoming a med student,continue the good work,& stay focused..

    #783820 Reply

    val

    LaFrance Thibodeaux,

    Thank you for responding and for your honesty. I am fully aware about him potentially moving on. He is a very sexual person but has always been extremely upfront and honest with me. When we mutually broke up in October, he did tell me at Christmas when we were together that he had gone on a few dates with a female and slept with her. I never prodded him on telling me about his dating life but he was very straight forward and told me in person. I did not overreact because we aren’t together and he can do whatever he wants. A week after seeing him, he called me to let me know he ended it with that girl and that it did not mean anything to him. Thought that was interesting that he even bothered telling.

    I have to admit that I have been on a couple of dates since our breakup but am very busy with school that I just don’t have the time / could careless. Since we broke up in October, we still occasionally fool around via skype…

    Lastly, we decided on Sunday to not speak for a month but then last night he texted me a few things apologizing for how emotional he was during our Sunday night conversation and then said all these nice things to him. We then had a pretty relaxed conversation that didn’t involve us talking about our situation. Not sure why he is reaching out when we decided to take a break from chatting.. Should I keep engaging when he reaches out and keep it light or should I take the space?

    #783821 Reply

    val

    ** correction : He said all these nice things to ME not him.

    #783846 Reply

    kaye

    First of all, you both agreed to a month break for a reason! The deal was for you both to reflect on what you want for a month and meet to discuss it. He agreed. So if he continues to engage then tell him you are taking a break and you will not respond to him!

    The worst thing you can do is be broken up with a man or “on a break” or whatever it is you are doing and still fooling around with him on Skype! Why? Because he gets the best of both worlds. He still has you but can also go out and date and sleep with other women!

    And don’t let LaFrance Thibodeaux scare you. A man who has been in love with you for a year isn’t going to just “get over it” in 30 days because he develops new habits!! That’s crazy! My husband and I broke up for 8 months when we were dating during which time he and I both dated other people before we reconciled and went on to get married.

    Most important thing though is you can’t be friends or FWB or his shoulder to cry on etc. If you want him back he has to know what it’s like NOT to have you in his life. Men realize they miss you and can’t live without you in your absence, not your presence.

    #783891 Reply

    val

    Thank you so much for that advice Kaye. I love how straight forward you were with me. I have been thinking today what I should do / say if he reaches out again.

    I agree that I need to let him know that we agreed on space and to collect our thoughts.

    How should I word it without sounding mean?

    #783897 Reply

    kaye

    I meant to say 3 years in my previous post. I wouldn’t say anything unless he reaches out again. Then I would say, we both agreed we needed a month of silence to gather our thoughts and not be so emotional in our conversations. I think that is still a good idea and I know it’s going to be hard but we can have a constructive discussion about what we both want in person at the end of this time. So please respect my wanting this period of no contact. I think it will be for the best for us to discuss these important issues in person when we’ve both had time to think.

    #783910 Reply

    Newbie

    I think you are in fixing mode. Sitting this out and then get back together. I think thats the wrong mindset. If you both felt the need for a break then take the break and take your time. My man and I are ldr for around half of the time and i called for the same type of break like your guy did (i feel this was more his idea than yours but i could be wrong) but not because we did bad at ldr. We did pretty great but i fell for him, wasnt sure about his intentions and didnt want to set myself up in a virtual relationship. So we were friends and slowly over time realized we were a real good match. Just not in the traditional way. But when we were not an item i was totally ok with that. I had an open mind to whatever outcome. Yours seems different. Not being able to handle ldr for a few months after a 3 year relationship is not the best sign. It could also be that you are growing apart doing different things. That can happen. So i would really urge you to stop controlling the outcome and let it unfold

    #783930 Reply

    LaFrance Thibodeaux

    Val,I think you have a 50/50 chance here..Maybe things will work out for the best,maybe they won’t..You both have options so keep that in mind..You’re both free to love other people..If you’re strong enough to handle whatever comes your way when I comes to him then cool engage with him..But if you know without doubt this whole situation will hurt you in the end then dont entertain..Only you know how deep this goes..

    #783931 Reply

    LaFrance Thibodeaux

    Kaye,Your husband & Vals man are 2 different people..I’m entitled to my own opinion as are you..I may think it’s crazy to go back with someone after being separated for 8 months but it worked for you guys..Congrads..

    #783951 Reply

    kaye

    LaFrance of course you’re entitled to your opinion but it doesn’t mean i have to agree with it! To try to compare changing your daily habits, like ordering water with your meals or walking for 30 minutes a day, to the feelings and connection you have with someone after 3 years to me is comparing apples and oranges! Have you really been in love with someone for 3 years and then been over them in 30 days?!? How do you explain the people who come on here months and years after a breakup and are still heart broken and want the person back? And that’s another thing your statistic as been dis-proven time and time again, they now say it takes up to 66 days to form a new habit and some things which are harder to break can take as long as 254 days to form!

    Of course there is no way of knowing if they will get back together and it will work. But trying to scare her into thinking not talking to him for 30 days was going to make him less likely to want her back isn’t something I agree with at all. So I shared my story to show that’s not the case.

    My experience is actually the opposite. All the great love stories in my family and friends which span 20-40+ years involved them breaking up and getting back together. And just look at how many Hollywood romances involve them breaking up only to get back together and get married and have babies.

    #783979 Reply

    LaFrance Thibodeaux

    Kaye,That’s great for you,your family,& friends..What you fell to realize is you’re calling me out for my opinion on someone else’s post..That’s disrespectful regardless of what you feel..Val,I apologize for engaging..You were my main focus & Thank YOU for respecting my opinion..

    #783990 Reply

    kaye

    LaFrance, like you I want to give the best advice I can to the OP. I want her to have a happy and successful relationship with the right person for her. To me it sounded like you were trying to discourage her from no contact saying “in 30 more days he can become accustom to being without you.” I disagreed and told the OP not to be scared by what you said. That’s hardly disrespectful. It would be like if I said the no contact rule works 100% of the time and you will always get your ex back and you were to disagree and say that wasn’t true and there is no guarantee. I wasn’t “calling you out” and I WAS giving advice and focusing on the OP. Only when you directly addressed me did I feel the need to address you directly and agree we are both entitled to our opinions and those are based on the DIFFERENT experiences we have in life. That is what makes this forum so unique. Not sure why you don’t understand I can RESPECTFULLY agree to disagree with you.

    This website promotes no-contact after a break up and Sabrina Alexis the co-founder of this site wrote an article on here about no contact. It’s called “The No Contact Rule: Everything You Need to Know” and is definitely worth reading. Val if you haven’t read it please do. It’s also worthy to note she and her husband broke up and got back together to go on and remarry and have babies!!

    #783992 Reply

    kaye

    I didn’t mean remarry- just marry!

    #784002 Reply

    Jo

    If someone gets used to being without you and moves on because of 30 days no contact then it wasn’t going to work anyway.

    #784089 Reply

    ANM Staff
    Keymaster

    I agree with kaye. That wasn’t a callout – it’s not worth worrying about. Really!
    I think we’re all cool here. :)

    Believe me, there have been individuals in this forum who had a pattern of making callouts. It got pretty nasty, and I’m sad it got to that point. That isn’t as much of a problem nowadays. Some people are pretty blunt in giving advice, but some of the people who seek help have reacted positively to bluntness, so I try not to get ruffled when I see that. But I digress…

    Anyway, the regular community members around here give advice from very, very different points of view, and that often leads to lead to contradictions in advice from different people. Sometimes, community members will point out how their advice differs very much from other advice already given. From what I’ve seen, a lot of our community members are very respectful of the fact that everyone around here has had very different life experiences, and therefore they’re giving earnest advice based on their own experiences.

    So sometimes someone might say “wait, don’t be scared by /that person’s/ advice” because they’re own life experiences have shown them otherwise. That’s okay! It’s bound to happen, and my hope is that people don’t feel slighted by that.

    When people say “wait, don’t be scared by /that person’s/ advice because they’re crazy, drunk, and divorced“… well now THAT is a problem! Taking a disrespectful tack and attacking a poster’s character isn’t cool. But the folks that insisted on behaving that way have been asked to leave, and with a certain amount of enforcement… they’re gone.

    I’m kind of meandering here in what I’m saying, so I’ll wrap up: I stepped in here because I wanted to comment that we have a very diverse community giving advice from very different points of view. For the most part everyone is well-behaved and respectful of that fact. I’m impressed that the community is able to be respectful about the disagreements that inevitably come up, and everyone takes them in stride.

    Thanks for contributing to our community, LaFrance! We’re all here to try to help people have peace and clarity with the relationship issues that trouble them.

    And also, val, my apologies – I don’t mean to derail your discussion. Please do carry on, and best wishes to you!

    #784742 Reply

    val

    UPDATE: It has been a week since we agreed on no contact. He reached out this past Sunday night on snapchat.. I think he was a little jealous / curious about the fun I was having. He is in town the 19th-23rd so we agreed to talk then.

    Im not going to lie but I miss him terribly. I am still holding strong and will not reach out and keep focusing on me. I do hope that he is feeling the absence as well. Somewhat seems that way because he reached out on snapchat..

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