This topic contains 61 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by TeaDaze 2 months, 1 week ago.
July 5, 2021 at 1:34 pm #891983
The other bit is, I’m honestly not withholding parts of the story. We had forward moving plans, an art exhibition next week and a trip in August. I thought we were solid, and if their were red flags I didn’t see them. I also did nothing to merit this that I can think of. Everything honestly seemed good to me.July 5, 2021 at 5:07 pm #892027
He blew this way out of proportion, not you. He is gaslighting you with turning this around on you. He’s pulling one of the oldest tricks in the book.
Something is way off. If he had honestly fallen asleep he would have contacted you shortly after waking and realizing. That’s what someone with 2.5 years invested does! By carrying this further with his defensiveness, he has created a communication shutdown. If you reach out to him, anything short of you saying you were/are wrong will be his excuse to build up further how he was wronged. If you go along to get along and appease him, you then just set yourself up to get treated worse and worse by him as time goes on.
You’re smart, you know this. Under 99.9% of circumstances I would suggest open communication being more important than who starts the dialogue but you’re in the .01%. I agree with you completely for not playing whatever immature game he has going on.
If there is any chance for things to continue, he has to accept responsibility for himself. Otherwise, he just gave you a sample of what he reverts to when he is dodging accountability.
I hope he realizes this and comes around wanting to have an open conversation. If he doesn’t then he may have done you a favor by revealing himself before another 2 1/2 years passes.July 5, 2021 at 8:21 pm #892070
I completely agree with you. In most cases, talking helps, but this feels like playing tic tak toe. Nobody wins… ever. It’s just an endless, repetitive loop. Best to stop playing and see if that changes things. I think I’ve probably been discarded. But who knows? I sure don’t. But, I’m not going to play the game, that’s for sure!July 5, 2021 at 9:03 pm #892077
Hi Kelly, I’m sorry you are going through all this. I know exactly what you are going through. I’ve been there a few times and I can tell you from my own experience that it is true sometimes we will never get a reply and that will have to be our closure and we will move on. Right now though I think you are hurt and angry and you have so many thoughts going on in your mind. If I were you I would reach out once. Let him know you would like to have a conversation with him. Find out what happened so that at least you can stop assuming what happened. If he answers and you talk great. At least you can get some answers, even if you don’t like what you hear. If he doesn’t answer you then that in itself an answer and then at that point you move on, but at least you tried. Best of luck to you.July 5, 2021 at 11:53 pm #892112
Hi Kelly, I’m really sorry you are going through this. I, too, know the spot you’re in having been there myself. It’s lousy. I commend you for how you are handling things. You wrote on here for advice, but I think your example of keeping your thoughts straight while hurting is something others can learn from. It’s your call and yours alone whether you reach out or even speak to him should he contact you.
I don’t automatically assume gloom and doom when there is a misunderstanding, but I hate to say that something about his actions and then lack of seems a little more final. His behavior comes across as too far over the top for what should have been taken care of with a timely call and an apology.
One thing I have learned is that life is about perspective. He can’t “discard” you if you decide his behavior isn’t what you will accept, no matter how he may try to shape the narrative. He can believe what he wants to believe. That doesn’t mean it’s fact. Especially, when you have truth on your side.
I had an ex who behaved like this. It started small and grew. I wish I would have had your resolve. It would have saved me almost a year of censoring myself just to get along. Everything was lopsided though. He was always right and forever gaslit to maintain his imaginary righteous status. I have regrets about doing this because I knew it was going on, but I foolishly thought I was being understanding of his issues. However, I don’t have regrets for what it taught me about self-respect. Funny thing is that I thought I already knew all that. What finally sunk in is that there’s a huge difference between theory and practice. Theory is useless unless put into practice. You are putting theory into practice, and for that, you are ahead of the game.
Even though I said it seems like there is something final about this, that doesn’t mean that can’t change. If he reaches out he has to be willing to have an open conversation and negotiate – you get heard, he gets heard, you come to a conclusion together. If he doesn’t, then it’ll just be an exercise of him trying to push his “rightness” down your throat with no regard for you. Your sense of self-respect will tell you the best direction for you to go no matter what his input.
You’ve got this!July 6, 2021 at 12:40 am #892119
kelly i think what dana and connie says make total sense. my thoughts are that this one time you have to stay put and let him reach out. he knows why things have gone awry and that most of it is his fault. but if he does get in touch to discuss, do talk to him with an open mind and hear him out. be willing to hear and ensure your heard. and than put it behind you. i somehow still feel things cant end over this unless its a much deeper thing and your suspicions are true. keep us posted. and in the mean while try to keep yourslf occupied.July 6, 2021 at 8:12 am #892216
I hope you hear from him soon. It’s really surprising to me that it’s gone on this long (several days now?). I agree with Tammy, it seems extreme to have a 2.5 year relationship end over this, unless there’s something else going on with him. You mentioned you have kids, I assume your kids know him? Not only my bf, but my bf’s son and I adore each other– I couldn’t imagine just cutting both of them out of my life overnight like that. It just seems so abrupt. But maybe there’s stuff going on with him you don’t know about. It really sucks, I’m sorry. Like I said, I hope he reaches out.July 6, 2021 at 12:05 pm #892268
What an amazing group of people you all are. I do hope someone who needs it stumbles upon this thread and gets some inspiration from it…in that way we’ve all paid it forward!
A funny thing happened today…I’m a professional photographer, and an author contacted me to ask if he could use one of my photos as his book cover. Normally, I refer these things to my agency, but his book was about “Healing After Loss.” He sent me an excerpt from the book, and I’m telling you, it was perfect for what I’m going through. So, I just gave him the photo. I think it found it’s real home, and I got a little wink from the universe. Isn’t life mysterious??July 6, 2021 at 12:21 pm #892278
kelly we all share our opinions and views based on our life experiences. when we are in the thick of things, we can’t see clearly and lose objectivity. and its nice for us to know that you have taken what people have said on board and given it a thought. though your hurting, your not acting crazy or lashing out in anger. i just hope that idiot comes to his senses, apologises and puts everything right. fingers crossed.July 6, 2021 at 12:45 pm #892287
and about yr pic on a book cover, thats so sweet. and makes you feel so nice. kind of apt. message from universe, healing after loss. take care sweety and keep us posted.July 20, 2021 at 1:54 pm #897184
Would love an update…July 20, 2021 at 5:42 pm #897227
Was just thinking the same…