Stood up and don't know what went wrong!


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This topic contains 61 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  TeaDaze 2 months ago.

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  • #891107 Reply

    Lane

    I stand by the fact that you BOTH handled this very poorly.

    Yes, he should have reached out at 2 am to allay your fears with a simple text but it doesn’t mean he did anything wrong. Not all men think like woman do.

    I remember doing this to my now ex husband, before we were married, and pre cell phones btw. I was very independent, and did things on a whim without informing him. It didn’t even cross my mind to tell him but I also didn’t realize how much it bothered him. One night, after doing some errands, he sat me down, and CALMLY said “I would appreciate it if you gave me a heads up if your going to come home late. I don’t know if you got into an accident, and not knowing or being able to help makes me feel helpless.” It was how he did it, and said it, that made me give him a quick call, or check in, telling him why I would be late coming home, from thereon. We both did this throughout our 20+ year marriage.

    Simple solution to a simple problem. Although a bit different, as we were living together, however if you had CALMLY said “OK (accept his reason) but from hereon please let me know sooner so I don’t fret so much” and then let it go, he would have been far less resistant. Repeatedly ‘bringing it up’ (aka ‘grilling him) by essentially calling him a liar, based on your ‘ticks’ is naturally going to put him in defensive mode when he’s repeatedly feeling attacked.

    Again, you both handed it sucky.

    #891118 Reply

    Lisa

    I would let this go. Trying to figure out what he was doing through WhatsApp is a recipe for disaster, and where did he go that doesn’t have an internet connection, the mountains? I would let it go, but if it happens again then be concerned. You’ve been with him two and a half years and from what you’ve said everything has been fine. I think he’s earned receiving the befit of the doubt.

    #891221 Reply

    Kelly

    You wouldn’t get an internet connection if you were at someone’s house and you didn’t have their WiFi password? Or if you were in a bar or restaurant and you didn’t sign in with their password. You don’t need to go to the mountains. Unless you’re using data it’s super easy.

    #891224 Reply

    Kelly

    Hi Lane,

    I didn’t repeatedly attack him. I asked for a simple answer as to why he didn’t show up to a planned date. That’s not sucky behaviour.

    I’d make an ex pretty quickly of someone who just ditched me on a whim for a better offer. That’s disrespectful. In my mind, having zero accountability is called being single. The onus is not on me to make him feel safe and secure enough to stay with me. I’m just not that desperate. It’s Sunday and I’ve heard nothing from him.

    Stalking is going 3 years deep on someone’s Facebook profile. Not looking to see if your message was delivered when you are worried about a no show.

    #891297 Reply

    Anon

    I agree with you Kelly that the behavior following the no-show is the problem. Not contacting you at all could be he’s busy, but obviously he knows something appears fishy in what happened Thursday-Friday. It’s up to him to reach and communicate. He’s not handling this situation well at all. Good idea to sit back and watch. I would have a hard time trusting him moving forward.

    #891313 Reply

    Kelly

    Thanks Anon,

    Yes, I do think this could be a deal breaker. I’m not sure I can trust him moving forward after he’s just stood me up and left me hanging for several days. People who are invested and care about you don’t normally behave so recklessly. I’m definitely not contacting him, and if he permanently ghosts me, I guess I have my answer.

    #891327 Reply

    KarinaDogLover

    Hi Kelly,

    In my opinion, I would be upset at being stood up and the unapologetic gesture after. Let’s say even if he was really sleeping, he stood you up. He should apologize.

    About the tracking deliver time on Whatsapp, I would not go too serious on this thou. I use few different apps for communication (different preference from different friends, family and work related). They all have their unstable performance at a time. You did not know it really could be app technical problem and if he was really sleeping he would not have known.

    I recently just had apps problem. I was at a friend’s place having a girls night. I did not have her wifi, but my phone would automatic switch to use data if I want to send things. I took some selfies and my gfs asked me to share with them right away coz I always forgot to share photos. So I did at the moment they asked. I used FB messenger to share, nothing. I used my phone text message, nothing. They just received nothing. The icon of circle (processing in sending) just kept on turning but it just did not send. I slept over, then the next morning, I checked and the circle was still turning(!), one of my gfs suggested me to turn off my phone and turned it back on (simple IT tech procedure) so I did a restart. Voila! Sent and done. I could not explain it, but that’s what happened.

    If he was telling the truth, he slept 15 hrs, was he not feeling well? Did he have a very bad day that nothing made him feel better but curd up in bed and covered his head in the dark? You two have been together 2.5 years, it doesn’t bother you he slept 15 hrs you would not worry if he is under stress or he has health problem (touch wood, hope it is not catching Covid). Maybe he really had something in his mind/he was feeling unwell and he did oversleep and what frustrated him is not gone yet so maybe he is still struggling?

    I honestly understand why you are upset, if I were you, I might do the same, wait for his contact and explanation. On the other hand, I am a little torn on the decision of waiting. What if he was really fatigued because of stress from work, what if he was really not feeling well; if I only pout and sat alone be upset, he might feel that I don’t care about him but I only care about myself. Yes, he stood you up, he was wrong. Give him one more chance to explain? 2.5 years together you said you two are doing fine, I think he deserves a benefit of a doubt.

    Good luck, Kelly.

    #891329 Reply

    KarinaDogLover

    Additional info:
    I just recently had to uninstall then reinstall Whatsapp. I could not send or receive message. When I reinstalled it, it worked but unstable. My family use this to communicate with me, since there was nothing much I could do, so they all installed Signal just for me. After a day or two, the Whatsapp worked fine, all the previous conversation got erased thou.

    #891330 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I would hope he wouldn’t ghost you after a 2.5 year relationship! That’s extreme. I agree he owes you an apology but let’s not assume this is the end. Unless there are other problems in your relationship? Has anything like this happened before? If not, it’s all the more reason to give him the benefit of the doubt.

    #891335 Reply

    Tallspicy

    100% chance there is more to this story.

    #891339 Reply

    Kellt

    Thanks so much for your thoughtful responses. I think I’m sliding into anger the more time goes by. I’m definitely not calling him. You are right about the app… something weird could have happened. Seems weird that his last seen was 3 am, but I’m not going to focus on that. I’ll take everyone’s good advice and stop making it about the WhatsApp status. In the meantime, I’m just going to carry on with my life, and if he makes contact I’ll hear him out respectfully. But honestly, this is really bad behaviour and I’m having a hard time putting this behind me.
    what gets me is I didn’t hear from him all night. Then he got up in the morning, showered, shaved, had a coffee, looked at the news, walked to the tube. Took the tube to work, said hi to his office mates, and then….maybe I’ll contact my partner and let her know why she was sitting there all night thinking I may have had a car accident etc…ok…here goes….sorry about last night. I fell asleep. That’s not right!

    #891354 Reply

    TeaDaze

    I subscribe to the notion that if this is an unusual, first and one time occurrence, I would not let it slide, as so many others suggest here. You know what’s normal behavior for your partner and therefore this sits so wrong with you, because it is so out of the ordinary.

    So not only is it the behavior that’s off, it is also his reaction to his actions when brought up by you.

    You know what your gut is telling you, which is that this just does not feel good, and it does not feel right. His unwillingness to address it because he feels like you’re not trusting him is gaslighting at best.

    Until and unless he is willing and able to actually address your emotions in the equation of this hiccup, I would consider this done. You know how you feel, so this is a good opportunity for you to establish a boundary which he hopefully will never cross again, should this work out.

    Other participants in this forum suggesting to let this go, or that you are blowing this out of proportion, I think are doing you a disservice by asking you to ignore something that goes against all your instincts. If that works for them good, obviously it’s not working for you so you listen to you, and you do you.

    Yeah just as many women on here will also tell you that if you feel something is off, it usually is. I think his reaction speaks volumes, the whole thing just does not feel or look right even from an outside perspective. I have been in your shoes, and I will never not listen to my gut.

    “Some” female forum members are self proclaimed “man experts” and will always school you on how a woman should not behave in order to keep her man happy and not look a fool.
    Please…. every situation and relationship is as unique as the partners in it so those blanket responses are far from one fits all.
    You know I’m your heart you’re not wrong. What you feel is valid and very very real.

    If he doesn’t handle it better fast, this will lead to resentment and you’ll be wondering when the other shoe will drop.
    Do you want to invest another 2 years in someone so dismissive of you?

    #891358 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    For the record, “giving him the benefit of the doubt” does not mean “let it slide”. It means not making assumptions & giving him a chance to explain himself (or try to explain). Hopefully you will hear from him today. I agree with Tallspicy that there must be more to this story, no offense OP.

    #891366 Reply

    Kelly

    Thank you so much!! I really appreciate you articulating so well how I feel. It does feel like gaslighting. I bristle when anyone suggests that a man should have the freedom to retreat to his man cave, and it’s our duty as women to tempt him out using our feminine wiles so that he feels safe and secure enough to have a normal conversation where he has some adult accountability. This whole situation has my instincts on high alert. Could it have been a network malfunction? Could he have rolled over on his phone at 3 am? I guess so, but it’s not likely. So the WhatsApp thing does unsettle me and feels shady. And, his defensive reaction just compounds that. In addition to all this, I’m really upset about the loss of my relationship. This whole situation is really hard, but I’m going to go with my gut in the absence of any additional input from him (which I should have had by now.)

    #891381 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    “The loss of my relationship”? You consider the relationship over because of this?

    My advice is to just calm down and see if he reaches out. If you work yourself up, you will not be in a state of mind to try to talk and resolve things. I’m in a long term relationship myself (over 3 years) and I can’t imagine throwing it away over a single misunderstanding. Unless there is more going on that you’re not sharing.

    #891422 Reply

    Kelly

    Yeah, he stood me up, lied to me (I believe) and now hasn’t been in touch in two days. I think that’s deal breaker behaviour.

    #891574 Reply

    TeaDaze

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My take on it is he is acting this way because he has a guilty conscience.
    Why else would he not reach out? You sure as heck didn’t overreact and seemingly handled this very maturely and rationally.

    I can so relate to what you’re going through. And the only regret I have is giving the benefit of the doubt – too many times. It must be so hard not reaching out. But I think you’re doing the right thing.

    #891598 Reply

    Sophia

    Hi Kelly.
    I am so sorry you’re dealing with all of this. I don’t have any further advice, but I just had to compliment you and how you’re handling the situation.

    Such strength in your responses. Such non-wavering conviction of how you will and will not be treated in a partnership; what you will and will not tolerate.

    To me, you embody the advice often given on here to women facing similar situations. I think this isn’t over for you yet, because I do believe your boyfriend will talk about this at some point.

    And I know wherever you go from there will be the right direction for you.

    I can only hope to possess some of your undeniable confidence if (when) I face situations that require redrawing boundaries. Good luck.

    #891851 Reply

    tammy

    kelly just read your thread. the fact that he missed a dinner is ok but the what followed just doesn’t make any sense to me. if i miss a dinner at a friends place, and knowing he/she especially cooked dinnner, that it was a plan and they were wait for me to turn up. the min i wake up, i would feel so bad. my instinct would be to message a sorry since its late and call first thing in the morning. not only did he miss dinner but he didnt even feel bad that he kept you waiting. thats what the problem is.

    now whether he was lying about falling asleep is another angle and whatsapp status etc all that comes later.

    the thing is you guys have been together for a long time. so would it be wise to just blow off this whole thing over one episode?? if it was a one off than best to put it behind. but what if there was more to this?

    i would just suggest staying low for a bit till your anger has cooled off. interacting while your angry is not going to help. stay lowkey and let him do all the calling and making plans for the next few days. if this was just a one off thing things will blow off soon and you guys back to normal.

    #891867 Reply

    Kelly

    Thank you everyone! Everyone’s words and perspective have really touched me and made a horrible situation a little bit better. I really appreciate it. It helps to know that there’s lots of caring, thoughtful, strong people around who will take the time out of their day to offer their perspective when you’re confused and raw. He hasn’t called, and I don’t think when he does it will help. I think it’s all very telling. We have talked every day for several years, so this is unusual. Something happened on Thursday night. I may never find out what, but I’m not going to chase an answer. Sometimes you have to give yourself closure, and just hope that things work out as they should behind the scenes. Xx

    #891953 Reply

    tammy

    kelly if he doesn’t get in touch, that’s your closure. anyone wld have been angry if they were in your shoes. your anger was justified and you seeking answers also justified. he not just missed a dinner but dint even have the courtesy to inform or apologise later when he woke up. or in the morning. most of us wld have been worried and pissed. firstly he made a mistake so he shld be apologising and pampering you cause you were upset. he acting as if hes the wronged party is silly behavior on his part. if what you guys had was genuine, he will get in touch. maybe in the next few days. atlst thats what i feel

    #891958 Reply

    Rox

    Hi Kelly,
    I read your post. I’m not sure about the whole story. It sucks he was a no-show about dinner. That in itself is a bigger story than I can read here. The part I don’t get is why do you use Whatsapp? Whatsapp does rely on data connection or a wifi connection. I assume you both live in the vicinity and texting is more direct, as is a direct phone call. Maybe you don’t know that Whatsapp has various settings. As in, you can read a message and the delivery setting (blue check marks) won’t active because you simply didn’t click on the message. Also, you can turn off notifications all together – so analyzing the time it activates is totally irrelevant. This wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me, I know you are upset. And you both sound frustrated and prefer not to vent at each other directly.
    Just my thoughts, good luck!

    #891966 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I’m with you Rox, I don’t understand the WhatsApp thing either. Why not call/text over the phone network? That was my first question in this thread.

    Also don’t most people have data plans on their phone? Is he only reliant on wifi for internet? That’s really odd. I didn’t think you could have a smartphone without a data plan, honestly. But I don’t know.

    I admit I don’t entirely understand what’s going on. All that, plus the total lack of communication. The stonewalling here is surprising to me, in a supposedly healthy 2.5 year relationship. So I don’t quite get it. But I do hope it works out for the best, whatever happens.

    #891979 Reply

    Kelly

    Hi guys,

    I live in England. It’s what absolutely everyone uses to communicate here. No one uses SMS.

    #891982 Reply

    Kelly

    Also, WhatsApp tells you when the message was actually delivered to the recipient. The only reason a message would not be delivered is if the person was in a place with no WiFi (say someone’s house and they were not logged in to the WiFi) or the person had their phone off. As soon as they get back online the messages that you sent goes through. In this case that was 2:58 am.so, he either had his phone off or in inflight mode or he was somewhere where he was not logged into their WiFi. It’s easy to use up your data allowance too. I’m 100 percent convinced of the WhatsApp business as tiring as it is to hear me keep banging on about it. I’m American, so I understand it’s not as popular of an app there, but here that’s pretty much all anyone uses to text.

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