Stood up and don't know what went wrong!


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This topic contains 61 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  TeaDaze 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #890495 Reply

    Kelly

    My boyfriend of 2 and a half years and I had a date planned for last night. He was coming to my house at 6:00 and I was making a nice dinner.
    So, 6:00 came and went and he didn’t show. At 7:00 I called him over WhatsApp…no answer. By 8:00 I was getting worried, so I sent a text asking if he was ok. It went to one tick, so not delivered over WhatsApp. By 10:00 I was really worried. I texted again, and again it was not delivered (one tick). At 2 00 am I went to bed really,, really worried about him. All of my texts were still marked as undelivered.

    In the morning I got up at 7am and looked at my phone. My messages had been delivered to his phone (two ticks), but he had not read them. Also, his last seen status was 2:58 am!!! So he had apparently been on WhatsApp with someone at that time, and did not bother opening all my worried texts . My messages were marked as delivered at 2:58 am, so assuming that’s when he came home and connected to WiFi.

    At 10:00 am the next morning (when he arrived at work) I got a text from him saying he was sorry, but he fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 2am. None of this makes sense. None of my texts were delivered until 2:58 am when his last seen status appeared, and at 2:58 he was on WhatsApp, but still had not opened my texts. It seems like he must have been somewhere with no internet, and came back home at 2:58 and texted someone. He swears he was asleep and that I’m being paranoid, but I think he’s lying. He also says he did not turn his phone off…that it was on when he “was sleeping.”

    Am I being paranoid or does it seem like he’s lying? Also, I’m pretty mad that he wasted my time and stood me up…and (potentially) lied about what he was doing and am thinking of breaking up with him.

    If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading this😅

    #890509 Reply

    Anon

    Kelly- nope- you are not paranoid from what you are saying. Definitely suspicious and rude that he never contacted you when you were supposed to get together. Are there other issues?

    #890519 Reply

    Kelly

    Hi Anon, Thank you for replying to me. There haven’t been many issues in our relationship, which is why I’m so confused by this. To make matters even worse, I’ve tried to initiate a talk about this several times today. I feel if this was a genuine mistake (he fell asleep) it would be natural to offer a really sincere apology, but he seems almost annoyed that I don’t believe him and is acting a bit exasperated. It feels like something is going on.

    #890546 Reply

    Maddie

    This happened with my bf a few months into our relationship. Just as you said. And he was not feeling well and fell asleep before letting me know, since he just passed out. His WhatsApp also showed him active, maybe he rolled over and hit his phone or something. He gave a quick apology but didn’t think it was a big deal because, in his eyes, it wasn’t. We have a solid relationship, he wasn’t feeling well, he fell asleep, end of story. He’s given me no other reason to distrust him. I was a little anxious in the moment because it was still early days and I’ve dated some wishy-washy guys, but that was me projecting and my problem. He has been consistent and done nothing to lose my trust. If nothing like this has happened before with you two and it’s not happening again, figure out if your distrust is something wrong with the relationship or you being antsy because of crappy exes. Otherwise, he made a mistake, it’s very annoying to be stood up, and you deserve an apology and maybe him making it up to you, but let it go if it’s not an ongoing issue.

    #890553 Reply

    Kelly

    Hi Maddy,

    Thank you. That sounds sensible. I have had some crappy exes, so possibly I’m projecting. What’s bothering me is that from 6pm to 3 am, none of my texts were delivered to his phone. That’s not possible if he was home asleep with his phone on (as he says). It seems like he went somewhere with no WiFi and got home at 2:58, because that’s when my messages were marked as delivered. Does that make sense? It seems like he might be lying, but he’s not lied to me before.

    #890634 Reply

    Maddie

    You can keep it in mind in case it happens again, but occasionally weird things happen (maybe his network went out). Don’t make excuses for him, but don’t look for problems where they probably don’t exist either. I can understand him getting upset that you don’t trust him if he’s never given you reason not to before. Just keep an eye out (without going all hypervigilant looking for clues), and if there’s nothing weird again don’t worry much about it.

    The other question I’d pose is, has your relationship progressed enough at the speed you want to? Are you feeling like you want to be cohabiting or talking marriage after 2.5 years, and you’re getting concerned? I have no idea if that’s something you want or have discussed, but it’s another spot that can cause insecurity if you’re not on the same page.

    #890635 Reply

    Kelly

    We are both fine with the current status of our relationship (as far as I know!) I’m divorced with kids and I’m not looking to have him move in with us. I think he likes living alone, so it’s been working on both sides.

    I hear what you’re saying. I’m kind of worried and fixated on the message delivery thing. It seems really suspicious to me. Yeah, weird things can happen, but usually the simplest explanation is the correct one…he went out and came home at 3. Anyhow, I’m going to keep an eye on it. Also, his reaction to me asking about it was to start getting really worked up and yelling. I mean he stood me up and then yells at me like I did something wrong? The whole picture just seems off to me.

    #890636 Reply

    Maddie

    If your gut is saying something is wrong with his response, you can trust your instinct. I just wouldn’t get caught up on the app tracking if there’s nothing else off because there could be innocent explanations.

    #890641 Reply

    Anon

    I would be unhappy with this and as hard as it is, I would take a step back from him. You have not accused him of anything and he owes you a huge apology and needs to make up to you- you shouldn’t have to go after him. He doesn’t want to talk, then I would not talk and begin observing what’s going on. If there’s something going on with him, there’s nothing you can do about it. Let him make a choice as to how he’s handling everything because you always have the choice to walk away. Trust your instinct, it’s usually right.

    #890655 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Did you try calling & texting him, not over WhatsApp? Regular calls & texts through his phone network (not internet based)? That’s what I would have done, if I realized the internet based texts & calls weren’t going through.

    It’s extremely odd to me that you had a nice dinner planned & he simply didn’t show up. Didn’t call to say he was unwell, didn’t doze off & wake up & few hours later to call & apologize. Most people don’t pass out for 8+ hours before 6pm, unless they’re very sick. This all sounds really, really fishy to me.

    #890699 Reply

    Raven

    Very Fishy…

    #890730 Reply

    Erin

    One tick usually means someone’s phone is off or they have put it on flight mode, it doesn’t always mean a person was out somewhere with no network. Sometimes when I don’t want to deal with WhatsApp messages I just switch off the phone network or put the phone on flight mode.

    What you don’t know is what he was doing online at 2:58 am and it’s kind of presumptuous to say he was texting someone. Sometimes people just go online and and not talk to anyone, just to check who messaged and then get back when they find time.

    You and us don’t know what’s with the phone drama but, canceling on you without telling you in advance was wrong, ignoring your frantic message was wrong as well and waiting to only reply you at 10 in the morning, that wasn’t cool either.

    #890751 Reply

    Kelly

    Thanks Anon. I agree with this. I do think it’s very suspicious. Just the fact that he isn’t apologizing for leaving me at home with a big dinner cooked says a lot. It’s like he doesn’t want to discuss! which makes me feel he’s lying. A natural response to having made a mistake would be to really apologize. Defensiveness seems like a cover up.

    #890754 Reply

    Kelly

    Yeah, I don’t want to get into being Colombo on his app status, that’s for sure. I’ve never been like that. He is totally insistent that his phone was on all evening. In my mind, if it walks like a duck..

    And I agree with you, the real issue here is standing me up and refusing to communicate about it. Not cool, and increases my suspicion that he’s lying.

    #890756 Reply

    Kelly

    Super fishy. I said to him, “a 15 hour nap seems pretty unusual.” He started raising his voice about how much he works, and I can’t possibly understand how tired he is etc…

    #890850 Reply

    Lane

    I believe you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

    Technology, nor human’s, are perfect. I honestly don’t understand the mentality nor logic of “stalking” or “tracking” your BF, who’s an adult grown man, to see where he is, or what he’s doing? I understand a parents need to do this with small or non-adult children to protect them but not adults as that’s just creepy IMO.

    I would be so incensed if I found out my partner was tracking me the way you tracked him. In my mind it equates to a lack of trust, and without trust you have a foundation built on sand, not solid rock which the foundation of a long-term relationship. Your relationship doesn’t appear to be very strong if a “one off” drives you into such a tizzy.

    Like they say “pick your battles very carefully.” Men can’t stand being grilled over, and over, especially if its something they have never or rarely have done over the course of the relationship. If you don’t believe his answer, or can forgive him for being a fallible human being, the sand is going to start eroding your relationship to the point, it will end if you can’t learn how to let small things like this go.

    I would have simply made a ‘mental note’ to see if a pattern begins to emerge or he goes right back to being his normal self. In most cases, it will be the latter if the man feels safe, and secure with you, and the relationship.

    #890852 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Stop letting these women rile you up. It will not under any circumstances get you a better outcome. In every scenario, it will create a worse outcome. Showing up angry and accusatory never works, even if your made up sleuthing is correct.

    This man made a mistake. You have a long relationship of trust and love. It is reasonable to say, what happened last night, it was so unusual. it feels icky to be stood up, it feels icky to not get a real apology. I do not want this to happen again, so how will we make that happen? It is surprising because you are usually so thoughtful.

    #890884 Reply

    Anon

    I think this bothers you Kelly and in your first post said you’d consider breaking up with him over this. The fact that he refuses to talk about this is a big deal because he’s the one that was wrong in the first place. I would observe his behavior- I wouldn’t be the one reaching out- that should be on him.

    #890890 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I agree that the obsession with the WhatsApp thing is a bit over the top. However if a person has plans with someone (either a boyfriend, friend or family member), and that person inexplicably doesn’t show up, and you realize your messages (strangely) are not arriving to their phone– for hours– and you don’t hear from the person, for hours– I think it’s normal to be concerned. Most people would. If it was your mom, or your sister, who was supposed to come to dinner, didn’t show up, never contacted you & your calls and messages were not going through– wouldn’t you freak out?

    So I don’t think the OP is totally unhinged to have noticed that her messages weren’t arriving. But I do think making a huge deal over it now is beside the point.

    To me the point is, he stood you up with no explanation, didn’t get around to contacting you til 10am the next day, and from what you’re saying refuses to apologize or talk about what happened. That’s the problem that I see needs addressing. There’s no need to belabor the WhatsApp thing.

    #890893 Reply

    Kelly

    Hi all, Great to get so many different perspectives. Thank you!! I feel that standing someone up and not apologizing (and also having a very shady story) is totally grounds for me setting a boundary. I don’t accept that kind of behaviour. It was very worrying to me, and it’s too bad if “men don’t like to grilled.” If they don’t like answering questions, they should not put themselves in situations where they need to! No free pass because of gender here!

    #890903 Reply

    Haley

    I agree with you this sounds fishy. His defensiveness adds to it as well. BUT,jumping to conclusions has a way of bringing up more questions after the fact than it appears to answer in the immediate.

    Take a step back and have an honest discussion with yourself about what are your boundaries, your tolerance level, your requirements, and are you getting from him (be fair about his style of giving) what you give?

    Whether he cheated or not, you’ll have a better idea of what you want from a relationship and if this relationship is what YOU want.

    I know you said you aren’t going to play detective and that’s smart. You don’t have to. Whether he is doing something or not, either way will show through his actions.

    Just hold tight and get straight with yourself. No matter what happens – you don’t have to trust him, you only have to trust yourself.

    #890934 Reply

    Kelly

    Hi Hayley,

    Thanks so much for your perspective. Above everything else, I want a partner who can communicate effectively. I don’t want someone who can see that they’ve hurt me, and refuses to address the issue. It’s fishy, his story. I honestly in my heart believe that no one sleeps for 15 hours. And, hey, if that happened, a simple apology would have put things right. I don’t expect perfection, but I also expect a little bit of respect, and standing me up and then basically ghosting me when I ask for an explanation feels like injury plus insult. The defensive response is at the heart of my complaint here. I can accept a missed evening…I can’t accept being yelled at for it or completely dismissed. It’s crappy behaviour and I’m not a doormat.

    #890949 Reply

    Jess

    “It was very worrying to me, and it’s too bad if “men don’t like to grilled.” If they don’t like answering questions, they should not put themselves in situations where they need to! No free pass because of gender here!”

    Agreed! No one, man or woman, likes to be grilled . Asking for a reasonable explanation that adds up to the circumstances isn’t”grilling” or “stalking”. In general, that was good advice though it misses the mark in this situation. To even elude to it as grilling is the same type of deflection he’s pulling by acting like you’ve done him wrong.

    If you two didn’t have a solid plan for dinner and the same events happened and you got upset over him not accounting for every minute, that would be grilling.

    Take a step back and evaluate fairly. Watch his actions while being as objective as you can. You seem to have a good grasp on things where you can balance understanding with not being taken advantage of.
    Good luck and stay true to your values.

    #890961 Reply

    Tallspicy

    How about just pulling way back and let him do all the work for a while…. Calls, visits, planning etc.

    #890981 Reply

    Kelly

    I agree that the deflection is super irritating. Flipping a situation and pointing at someone’s reaction to your bad behaviour as the real problem is the bait and switch. It’s just a means to avoid any adult accountability, and somehow make you feel guilty for asking for a reasonable explanation. It’s yuck, and usually means the person is deflecting for a reason.

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