This topic contains 30 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lane 8 months ago.
December 10, 2019 at 7:42 pm #780291
It feels like I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men!
They either don’t want a relationship, are fresh out of a relationship or just want FWB or a hook up. What is going on?!
I’m self aware and know my worth. I’ve learnt from the things I’ve done wrong in my last relationship and continue to learn.
Is anyone else experiencing this?! If so can you please share some insight/advice/wisdom as to why this may be happening or at least some stories of hope! It’s so disappointing! :(December 10, 2019 at 8:54 pm #780293
Its the change of social norms.
Back in the day men had to get married if they wanted to get laid at least regularly. There were always the “Bachelor’s” but they were frowned on my society so there weren’t near as many as there are today—its probably increased at a rate of 75% v. 1919 (one hundred years ago). At a young age children were groomed to get married and start a family but that’s no longer the case, so men no longer see the advantage of being married to one women when they have many willing to entertain them without all the expectations and responsibilities that go with it. Heck, they don’t need wives to be a father today so there’s no incentive.
Some eventually grow out of it and finally feel the urge to settle down but many don’t as there’s no longer the stigma associated with being single today. I thankfully dated when the social norms to marry and settle down were still in play. It would seriously suck to be dating as a young woman today. I truly feel for you.December 11, 2019 at 12:29 am #780309
Totally experiencing the same . At least now I’m able to pickup on it early and Next them as soon as I see the signs but it’s quite exhausting . And when an emotionally available guy comes around there always seems to be a genuine incompatibility…. such is life and dating these days . Oh well , guess we have to roll with the punches …. boooDecember 11, 2019 at 7:32 am #780311
T from NY
What you and I, and everyone else is seeing is truly evolution right before our eyes. Dating apps and technology, as well as women finding their voice and their libidos! have ushered in one of few giant changes in human mating behavior that has ever happened. The last most significant shift was clear back to the industrial revolution when women began leaving their homes and going to work. I am in my 40s, but one of my best friends (a family member) is dating in her 20s and we see a lot of the same behaviors.
I hate to be doomsday but I absolutely think there are way less men inclined to any kind of commitment because sex is so readily available and cost of living has become so great. Additionally, with men that are older and divorced, or out of a long relationship, society has not encouraged or socialized them to process their traumas like women, so they are way less inclined to another long term gig. Not to mention every one knows that the main place people are meeting these days are dating apps (unless you live in your hometown where a lot of people end up with old high school friends or acquaintances or someone from their community circle), and those apps are 95% men looking for sex (not that they aren’t entitled to – just sucks for women looking for love).
I agree with Lane. I remember when dating was different. Like you, I would never settle for less than I deserve. I also would like a partner, but thank goodness I have worked myself into a place of being very happy being alone. But it is an unfortunate reality the ways things are now.December 11, 2019 at 8:08 am #780314
I think it is not so much about emotional availability, but younger men are also REALLY done with how demanding younger women are with dating. Know your worth, but a lot of guys also want you to pull your own weight. Plus a lot of women your age are very demanding in what you want to settle for – tall, fit, great job that makes money and very available. That’s a really rare combination. You can generally find 3 out of 4.
Most women I know in relationships are compromising on those factors or they are truly exceptional woman.
A guy put it to me once and it made a lot of sense- basically single women who have careers also put a lot of time into being fit and attractive. Meanwhile men have gotten slack. So all of these women who are great catches and know their worth way out number men of equal quality.
My ex was in a relationship pretty shortly after we split it. She is beautiful, great job, great personality- great catch. She is now struggling with the same faults in him that I did.
Basically it is a man’s market….December 11, 2019 at 8:10 am #780315
That said, be happy we live in an age where women can have fulfilling single lives. While it stinks not finding great men, I am glad that we are past the era where women had to put up with bad marriages and men “because”.December 11, 2019 at 8:57 am #780319
Better off single
I’ve experienced the same. Try not to see it as if there is something wrong with you. Learn to enjoy your own company.December 11, 2019 at 9:50 am #780323
I do enjoy my company! I’m also very independent and happy but I’m also proactive when it comes to my dating life. I like the idea of whatever is meant to be will be but I also think you should get out there. Unfortunately this is what I am finding!!!! Hahah :(December 11, 2019 at 9:54 am #780324
Men hunt for a relationship at certain times in their lives. Usually after age 25 and have career taken care of. Look for those guys.December 11, 2019 at 10:39 am #780328
“Usually after age 25 and have career taken care of.”
I’d say men with good careers are early to mid 30’s when they start looking to settle down. If you are willing to compromise on the quality of career, men in their late 20’s are a good bet. Men in their early 40’s who have not married OR want a second chance to make a family work are also out there for women in their mid to late 20’s who want kids right away. The next group of available men are the 55 and older set.
If I was a cute 20 something looking to settle down, forget the dudes under 30, proceed with caution with the dudes over 40 and mainly date guys in their 30’s. Leave the 20 somethings for us older women to have fun with!December 11, 2019 at 12:16 pm #780330
I’m 23, and I’ve always dated older guys (30-40 y/o). In the past few months I’ve been trying out younger guys and F***, i wasn’t ready for what I experienced. Total children. Not one that was willing to have a preemptive conversation about relationships. It’s really sad and reading Lane’s comment opened my eyes. It really is changing out there. We women complain about there not being any good guys out there but the truth is, we are the superior species. It’s our job to set the standard. It’s our responsibility to reward for good behavior and withhold if the behavior is lacking. Men are becoming lazy and complacent with their courting methods because WE are giving them everything they want, under the guise that women should be sexually free. The truth is, we ARE sexually free. But if we want to settle down with someone who will take care of us, we need to change the climate.December 11, 2019 at 12:35 pm #780331
I am 32, single, been single for 2 years, I pop on and off dating apps because I match a guy then see the red flags and leave. Ive met countless emotionally unavailable men and frankly, its exhausting.
I have a good job, I have travelled the world, I am decent enough looking, but I cannot for the life of me find a decent man. I have a friend, who is absolutely gorgeous and she struggles too. I have another friend who was successful on Tinder after a full year of being straight up with men and asking them outright, what do you want. If they said fun, she unmatched, and if they wanted more she continued to chat. She met a man, didn’t sleep with him for three months until she knew him fully, and now? they are engaged to be married.
I am now trying this and finding I am saving so much more time / unmatching a lot more creeps than usual.
I feel your pain though because its draining and exhausting and you start to question, wtf is wrong with me. You’re not alone.December 11, 2019 at 1:27 pm #780333
Too many women making themselves sexually available through FWB arrangements. Women have been tricked into thinking this is empowering.December 11, 2019 at 1:35 pm #780336
I agree with all of it. The thing I can’t wrap my head around is , do men really only want sex to the point where they don’t even care who they’re doing it with as long as it’s plentiful ?
That makes it seem that’s the only reason they ever would get married which is sad . It’s sad to think that even in the old days , the only reason men would get married was because they’d have a hard time getting sex otherwise , not because they thought the girl they were married to was purely awesome .December 11, 2019 at 1:43 pm #780338
Lisa, what is your age? Have you ever been married?December 11, 2019 at 1:53 pm #780340
Old adage, if you are attracting emotionally unavailable men- look at your emotional availability…December 11, 2019 at 1:55 pm #780341
Here is my take… a guy secretly wants a prize and with that, companionship. They recognize that girl when they find her. Just adjust your mindset so that you’re not seeking a relationship and you’re living life in the moment and fully. If it happens it that happens, but that doesn’t mean that you should feel any less fulfilled. For you young ladies, a guy will eventually want to settle down to have children so date guys in the thirties and in that place of being settled in his job.December 11, 2019 at 2:44 pm #780362
“It’s sad to think that even in the old days , the only reason men would get married was because they’d have a hard time getting sex otherwise , not because they thought the girl they were married to was purely awesome .”
In the past, men needed a woman to run the home. Now most men can not support a wife and kids, so women work and run a home. A lot of people in general are opting out of having kids so honestly, there is not much reason to commit. In the past, men committed to have a family.
I think if a woman wants kids these days she needs to bring a lot to that relationship because a lot of men DO NOT want kids until they hit late 30’s/40’s and their legacy clock starts ticking.
If you are a woman who does not want kids, chances are you are unwilling to “settle” for a relationship. I’m in that category. I have ended up doing FWB with younger guys, and 100% of them tell me they are no where near ready for kids/family/commitment and do not want to disappoint women seeking relationships. And from how these guys live, I heartily agree that they need to not be in relationships. Nice guys, wonderful guys, but they need to grow up.
So yeah, I guess women like me being available to men like them for sex disrupts the universe a bit, but they would not make good husbands at this point for you- you’d be settling. Should I be forced to not have sex? Or forced to have sex with the men my age who disgust me? Or worse yet a relationship? No. LOL.December 11, 2019 at 2:48 pm #780363
There are people committing & marrying everyday…December 11, 2019 at 2:57 pm #780365
Mod update: Hi Lisa – Thanks for your post! I’ve noticed you’ve started a lot of conversations here on the forums. Many of those conversations have received great input from the community, and I think that benefits us all over the years. Kudos!
Years ago, things were different around here. Moving forward, we’re working on tightening-up a few things. We’d like our community members to stick with consistent pseudonyms, or at least make it clear that they’ve posted something before. I’ve stated our reasons in other threads, but the quick summary is that maintaining consistent personas will help avoid unnecessary suspicions, and it also is a way to pay respect to the time and effort the community spends in their responses to topics. So, please do keep that in mind for future topics. Thanks, and best wishes to you.December 11, 2019 at 3:25 pm #780367
Surely men can’t mainly be marrying for the sake of having children either ? That’s also kind of sad . And a recipe for divorce later on…December 11, 2019 at 3:38 pm #780369
Yes, the divorce rate is really high.
Back when I dated men my age, it was very common for men to stay with their wives just for the kids and when the kids hit college, they divorce.
It is really hard to find the right people, and on top of that, most people evolve over time.
My ex and I were the sweetest couple in college. We were a great match! But we both grew and changed. We evolved into different people.December 11, 2019 at 5:10 pm #780376
While I agree.. a disclaimer.. I didn’t give some good guys a chance because I just didn’t feel the spark. I chose unavailable guys or the guys all women want. So I’m guilty and I admit it so I won’t play a victim. If I wanted to be married next year to some nice average guy I’d be without a doubt.
However as anon mentioned the younger you’re the more you want from a guy. A whole package. But guess what. Usually such guy knows his worth. What’s worse. Almost all women want him. Younger, his age and older. So there’s a huge competition.
Along the way some of them get married, the college sweethearts and the dating pool narrows. You’ll meet guys with kids. Nothing wrong with kids but it’s tricky. You’ll meet peter pan guys.
I’d add though that older guys don’t deal with drama. They rightly think after high school you grow out of it.
I can name several beautiful, smart, caring women I know and they outnumber guys with the same quality.
Very often people are relationship because they settled for less. So it’s good to know when to settle especially if you want a family.
Men are also fed lies by.. whom? that women are after their money. Some of my single friends especially in their forties got so jaded that now they really do believe that we’re after a designer’s purse.
Guys in their twenties are mostly boy toys. There are some gems of course.December 11, 2019 at 8:08 pm #780396
Better off single
Dating is even harder when you have kids already.
There’s even more to consider when picking out a guy if you want something serious.
I like my own company too, being single gets old and sucks at times. When the lonliness sets in. other times it’s better to be single than constantly heartbroken, paranoid, constantly wake up with anxiety, question your sanity, or abused mentally/physically.December 12, 2019 at 5:55 pm #780494
I’m 22 and I remember first trying dating apps when I was 19 (so basically 3 years ago) and I opened my eyes to a full new reality that I didn’t want to see. I thought that just as my parents, when I get to college, I’ll meet someone and then we’ll get into a serious relationship and get married. Big LOL
I’ve been on many manyyyy dates with guys from 2 years younger than me to 10-11 years older than me (I never tried older haha). It was always the same story: we’d meet for coffee and I would return home exhausted and with more disappointments. I did date someone for a few months (met him on Tinder) and I thought ‘damnnn he’s the one’ until he broke up with me because ‘he didn’t feel the spark anymore’ and he went back on dating apps. I guess he had the ‘grass is greener’ syndrom .. Just like most people who are on dating apps. They think there’s always someone better, more attractive, smarter out there. So instead of building something, they have that fantasy that there’s someone out there who’s perfect. They choose easiness.
Anyways, I remember asking myself what’s wrong with me too. I admit I have high standards (no I didn’t care about their heights, but I did care about their education, fundamental values and culture). My own mother asked me to lower my standards and I felt so upset about it. I did consider settling down, but it didn’t feel right (I just perfectly knew what I wanted). I’m old fashioned and I met many guys with whom I felt like a burden. Some seemed annoyed to pay for me (when they could save money going 50/50 with other women). Also, I want to wait until marriage, so why would someone wait if he can get laid with the next girl he swipes right on? Lmao
So long story short. It wasn’t easy and I remember getting mad many times. Also hurt other times. I experienced ghosting and lazy guys. But I’m proud to say that I never settled for less. I never gave them quick easy sex ‘just because that’s the ‘norm’ ‘. I stayed true to myself and I learned to spot the non serious guys and to let them go. I stopped wasting my time on guys who would confuse me with their behavior. I didn’t even go on dates with guys who ‘weren’t looking for anything serious right now’. Guys know what they want and HEY they tell us the truth, so I also learned to listen to them. I didn’t try to change their mind or play games to make them like me. I also learned to be upfront about what I want. And to be proud of my values.
It’s not easy to date in my twenties. Lucky me I did finally find someone on social media (not dating apps, but we still met online). He’s 2 years older than me. I know it’s cliché, but he’s everything I ever wanted in a man and being with him feels so right. He didn’t play games and he quickly told me that he had feelings and wanted a relationship with me. He is okay with waiting and he respects me for making that decision. He is smart, really cute, supportive. He knows what he wants too and we share fundamental values. I’m glad I didn’t settle for less. At some point, I thought myself that I was maybe delusional to want what I want, but meeting him proved me I wasn’t. So now I’ll stop bragging about him (if he knew, he’d be sooooo happy about it hahaha) and just tell that there’s nothing wrong with having standards and values. There’s nothing wrong with being different in that weird dating generation.
What’s wrong is settling down for less than what you want and deserve. Be honest about what you want. Don’t lower yourself to a FWB situation if you’re seeking a serious/marriage material relationship. Don’t try to accommodate guys by accepting a last minute ‘meeting’ at their place late at night. Don’t try to change the mind of a guy who ‘doesn’t believe in marriage’. Don’t become deaf to guys who tell you that they don’t want a serious relationship ‘ right now’ (with you). A man who really likes you will make sure you know it and won’t wait too long before locking you down.
IT IS super hard to date nowadays, but the truth is that it shouldn’t feel difficult with the right person.