So Hurt and Resentful. Can't Get Over Hurtful Comment from my Husband


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  • #446874 Reply

    Amber

    I have been dealing with hurt and resentment for about five years now over a comment that my husband made to me once when we were in the middle of reconciling after our only breakup while dating. During an emotional conversation after he and I had broken up and we were talking things out, getting back together, he told me that there were times in our relationship when he thought he was more attractive than me. He said he even thought that when he first asked me out. I was totally devastated. I was sick, beside myself, completely broken. It made me feel like our whole relationship was worthless, like he was never as into it as I was. It made me question everything. He later took back those comments and said that he was just hurt, feeling like the relationship was over, and he was trying to hurt me back. He said that it was the dumbest thing he has ever said in his life and that it wasn’t true. I don’t think that it is true. I get lots of compliments about my appearance. I think we are both equally good-looking, and people tell us that we make a beautiful couple all the time. It just kills me that he could have ever thought that. It hurts my feelings so much. He is still very remorseful about the pain it caused me, and he compliments me on my appearance all the time, but it’s like I can’t believe him anymore. We stayed together, and we are married now. However, I still think about that comment every single day, and it pains me so much. I don’t know if I will ever be able to get over it. I feel like those words have destroyed us. Like something so special to me is just ruined now. I love my husband so much, but I don’t know if I can ever be happy and feel good about myself in this relationship again. It messes with my mind during sex. I don’t want to have sex nearly as much anymore. It makes me cry often, even to this day. I thought that time would heal the pain, and I could get over it, but it has been almost five years and I still can’t. Is it worth it for me to stay in this marriage when I am still feeling this way? Should I give up and try to start over with someone else while I’m still young? I’m so hurt, and I feel so lost. What can I do to make things better? Any advice would be much appreciated.

    #446878 Reply

    Anne

    He said he was just trying to hurt you and apologized. If everything else has been OK and you married him, why do you think you are focusing on this now?

    #446879 Reply

    Amber

    I’ve been focused on it every day since he said it. I have never been able to forget it, and it is hard for me to believe that he didn’t mean it, or that he doesn’t think that it’s true. It still makes me feel bad about myself every day.

    #446880 Reply

    Anne

    Ah sweetie. That must hurt so much. Can you see though that you are choosing this thought over and over? Why do you think that is? Has something else happened recently?

    #446881 Reply

    Amber

    Nothing has happened recently except that I have been thinking a lot about how long this has bothered me. When this comment was first said, and I was going through the initial pain of it, I told myself that I should just give it time, that surely in a few years, time would heal everything. Because it has been nearly five years, and I am still thinking about it on a daily basis, I’ve been asking myself if I can deal with the possibility of always feeling this way. The thought of feeling this way for the rest of my life really scares me. It’s really hard for me to enjoy our sex life too. In order to get turned on or to have a climax, I usually have to imagine being with someone else who I know does not think that about me. For a while now, I’ve been fantasizing about being with my ex, thinking maybe things would be different with him. I’ve been thinking for years now that as much as it would hurt, I might need to leave my husband in order to have a chance at happiness. I love him so much, though, that thought is unsettling. I just don’t know what to do.

    #446882 Reply

    redcurleysue

    So he said he was prettier than you?

    What a cad!

    I am sorry but this is funny. It must be the way I am looking at it.

    But I am sorry but a man can never compete with a woman when it comes to looks. He does not go through the pain a suffering a woman does to ever earn the title of best looking. Oh, he can be sharp, handsome and hot but he cannot ever beat a woman in beauty. And if he does think it he is living an illusion.

    Tell you what….line up 100 men and ask them if they think you or your husband is more attractive…go ahead and see what happens….he will feel really silly when he sees those results.

    I will tell you…I thought I had heard them all but your husband takes the cake. He wins the “Silly Award”. Truly, my dear, you are and will always be more beautiful.

    #446883 Reply

    Anne

    OK. So at this point this thought is a pretty ingrained habit. And that habit is now running you. Best way to break a habit is develop a new more positive one that replaces it. Because the more I say don’t think about the time your husband said that, the more you will. Is there something he has done or said that made you feel great that you could start to choose to focus on instead? I don’t think going back to your ex is the answer. That’s an escape thought and a fantasy.

    #446885 Reply

    Amber

    That’s the problem. Now, whenever I think back on any of our beautiful memories together, the countless times that he has made me feel great about myself, those memories are sullied by this one devastating comment. It’s like those words have contaminated every good moment we have ever had, like it was all a lie, like I can’t trust anything he ever said that made me feel good. All I want to do is escape. I want my ex, or someone new to come and save me. I wish that I still felt the same with my husband, but I don’t. I feel like he ruined me, and he ruined us. It also makes me afraid that if I did leave him and ended up with someone else, he would feel the same way about me. I just feel so worthless now. I would love to have a lineup of people tell me that we are equally attractive or that I am more attractive, but that doesn’t take away the pain of knowing that my own husband thought he was better looking. It just sucks so much to think about. I don’t know how I’m ever going to be happy again. Sometimes I feel like being with my ex, or with anyone else who did not feel that way about me would be the only way to heal. That would mean giving up on my marriage, though, and that is so painful to imagine.

    #446888 Reply

    Anne

    Amber… your husband said it and apologized a long time ago. That is a fact. The rest is fiction you are writing. All of this hurt, you are creating sweetheart. The story is in your own head. You’re pointing the finger at him and three fingers are pointing back at you. He isn’t ruining your marriage, you are. I mean this kindly. You have total control of this. No one else can rescue you but you. You will be very, very sorry if you leave your marriage over this.

    #446900 Reply

    options2

    Sorry I feel that you might have projected an unpleasant experience onto him.

    I could see if it was repeated comments but for only once I suspect it could be another issue that has not been dealt with

    #446905 Reply

    Andrea

    Men say all kinds of silly things, there is saying women are crazy and men are stupid, the reason why women are crazy is because men are stupid :)

    I really do not see a big deal here, he said he’s more attractive, then let him be the attractive one, why don’t you just enjoy marrying a handsome man? It doesn’t matter what he said, he married you, he told you by action that you are beautiful. Your happiness should not depend on what a man says or does to you, please work on yourself to gain inner confidence. You do not need anyone to validate your appearance, not even your husband.

    #446908 Reply

    Anne

    What Andrea said.

    #446918 Reply

    Sakura

    I think he said it out of spite or anger, perhaps he knows you’re vain when it comes to your appearance and he struck you with something he knows will hurt you. And it did.

    You sound like you’ve never forgiven him. Which is actually unfair to him, since he has apologized and tried to make it up to you countless times. And you married him despite all of that, so he’s going to assume everything is okay between you two already.If I were him I’d be angry because you didn’t tell me the whole story in the first place and I had no idea you were still hurting and stressing about it, all this time!

    I agree with Andrea here, if you were really beautiful it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. It would even turn out as if you’re competing with your very own husband, just because he said he’s more attractive and you cannot accept it. It shouldn’t be the case really— he’s a man and you’re a woman. Do you really have to measure who’s better looking? When people say you’re a beautiful couple, do they have an attractiveness index?

    I’m sorry but your husband’s comment is funny and should not have been taken seriously. It’s up to you to accept– you don’t need anybody’s validation for your beauty, if you truly believe you’re beautiful inside and out.

    #446931 Reply

    Amy S

    hi. This is your drama you are creating here and you are stuck. Its been 5years there is no need to hold onto this for so long. Everyone says cruel and meaningless things at times of arguments and your husband has already took this back and apologised. I think you may be unhappy or resentful towards your husband and are using this as an excuse to hold on to bitterness. You have to let this go seriously. Life is short and should be happy and to hold onto a throwaway remark like this for 5 years is just crazy. If I was you I would be looking into therapy or something because this is just needless drama. You have to move on and find other things to focus on and get your life back. Seriously u have gave this way too much time and energy already. Make a promise to yourself, this stops NOW. Good luck. x

    #446951 Reply

    Mischante

    I don’t mean to dismiss your feelings of hurt and resentment however I just wanted to point out that a few observations. First his comment sounds was vain, boastful and really shallow. Although it obviously hurt you u he could have said something like I never found you attractive and dated u out of pity or as a bet then fell in love with your great personality. Now I could see someone holding on to hurt by that revelation, but honestly dear his comment sounded more like an immature stab at an insecurity you have had about how you look then anything else. The fact that his comment of being better looking than you has affected every aspect of your relationship for 5 years is why I say this. Also if this was said to you BEFORE you got married and did indeed caused so much pain why in the heck did you marry him afterwards? I agree with other posters that it’s you choosing to ruin your marriage
    By holding this grudge. It also says a lot about your maturity level and self respect, and casts doubt on your intentions towards this marriage.Did u marry him just to pay him back for a insensitive comment made before you married him? If so I’m afraid that you are the one making his life hell and seriously need to do some self reflection and apologize for the pain u have caused. And the ex boyfriend thing is also a reflection of maturity level considering he is your ex because obviously the two of you had compatibility issues.

    #448976 Reply

    Erika

    Amber, I think the reason you are allowing yourself to relive that moment every day is because you don’t think your beautiful. The more you allow yourself to relive it the more it’s going to hurt you. You need to decide on how you feel about yourself and your looks. Until you can do that you won’t ever be happy, no matter if you leave your husband and start over with someone new. I’ve been through two marriages and two divorces, it wasn’t until I began to love myself that I truly became happy. He told you he was sorry, so you need to forgive him and let it go. Start telling yourself you’re beautiful every single day and believe it. It sounds like you’re the one that needs convincing.

    #458765 Reply

    Amber

    Erika,

    I do have a lot of insecurities about my appearance as most women do. I also have a lot of mixed feelings. I go back and forth between feeling really beautiful and then feeling really down on myself. It’s just so incredibly painful to have my most awful fears about my appearance confirmed in any way by the closest person to me. Even though he took it back, said he was sorry, it still pains me so much every single day when I think about it. It causes me to sort of check myself any time I get to feeling confident or beautiful. It’s like whenever I start to feel really good about myself, that awful memory and those words pop right back up again and make me question myself. I’m afraid that no matter how I feel about the way that I look, I’ll never be able to get over this. I love my husband so much, but I’m afraid that I will never love myself again unless I’m with someone else who would never say those things. I feel like it’s so messed up that I am devoting myself to someone whose words have made me feel so bad for so long, but at the same time, I love him very much and I don’t throw away our conpanipnship or abandon the sweet person I know he is and the love we have I know that he is truly remorseful for the pain he has caused me, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less, even after all this time.

    #458767 Reply

    Amber

    *I don’t want to throw away our companionship.

    #458772 Reply

    JB

    I cannot recommend this enough…Self Esteem and Peak Performance by Jack Canfield I had the cassette version (I’m old), and then got the CD version and have listened to the series hundreds of times. Actually, time for a refresher for me too.

    I hope this helps.

    #458778 Reply

    Jessica

    Sweetie this is really all your own making as many others have said above. For a man to say he’s better looking is, first, ridiculous because men don’t generally think about their own attractiveness unless they are really vain in which case he has no credibility. It sounds like he simply said it to hurt you at the time – perhaps because he knew that you were sensitive to that issue? – and really didn’t mean it. But obviously, this logic means nothing when you are fixated on it, so what you need to do is to find a way to get it out of your own head and convince YOURSELF that his statement is ridiculous and to BELIEVE that you are beautiful.

    Regardless of anything, find a way to give yourself the gift of pampering and invest in feeling like the best version of yourself. Go to the spa and the salon. Go to the gym, take fun classes, zumba, yoga, pilates, whatever you find fun – you will meet people, have fun and get a smoking body at the same time. Give yourself and your body this love. It’s not about looking better, its about the act of loving yourself and investing in you! You are already beautiful – now you just have to see it for yourself.

    #458785 Reply

    SthrnBelle

    This is not normal, please seek therapy, I do not think this is about his comment anymore but your self esteem and maybe depression for other reasons as well or no reason at all. Listen, I have had depression, low self esteem but I remember my ex boyfriend told me after living with me for 6 years and having an affair that he was not attracted to me. It hurt like crazy. I never forgave him for not just this obviously but the other things he has done, cheating and lying but he chased me for five more years! Do you think it was because he did not find me attractive? People say crazy silly things during fights and some are incredibly hurtful and hard to get over. I think you should work on yourself in therapy and try to work on what makes you feel better about yourself unless it is that you do not really love your husband. I know you say you do but you are not able to enjoy sex with him either having to fantasize about other men. This did happen to me in my very bad marriage when I was no longer able to love my ex husband- If this is not true then I think you are going through an emotional crisis or it may be ongoing and long-term and it should be addressed and helped.- This is absolutely no reason to break up over. I can tell you that in five years most men would have told you a lot more hurtful things. I hope this does get resolved if you do indeed love him.

    #458850 Reply

    Amber

    Thank you, ladies. I really appreciate your advice and understanding.

    #458859 Reply

    Andrea

    Amber,
    I was married to someone for 12 years who didnt think I was thin enough. I never was even average size when we met, but always tending to the curvy. I was very young when I married him (he had loads of other fantastic plus points) but over the years, I always tried to lose weight, trying everything possible for him but also for me. When I would lose weight, he never noticed any difference. In fact he once looked at a photo of me 20 kilos lighter and in the photo he was right next to me and was shocked as to how thin I was at the moment it was clicked. I could never stay that way and always came back to my ‘normal’ size.
    About a year and a half ago he left me saying he never loved me and never desired me. We have two children. I laugh now when I remember that comment because I never forced myself on him. And guess what? Since my separation, I am twenty kilos lighter (with a great diet and regular exercise),and have stayed like that without putting on a kilo.
    Because something in me didnt die BUT came alive when he said he didnt desire me. Actual and complete love for me, my body and my spirit. The thing weighing on me in that relationship was him. Weighing me to be inadequate and not good enough. Cause even though he never said ‘you are ugly’, he never said a good thing either.
    About my body, about my efforts, about me. SO Never again.
    Since then, I only date men who pursue me a lot for this reason. Attraction is very important now for me. Attraction both ways. And if a man says something like this to me, it would be a BIG RED FLAG.

    I think you need to first really introspect about why you feel so insecure about your looks. If it’s a one off comment, then you should try your best to overcome it, but if you feel it in your daily life (no compliments on the way you dress, no gifts, no affection etc), then he is definitely still fueling that one comment…maybe without knowing it.

    PS Im not the same Andrea who commented above.

    #459060 Reply

    Amber

    Hi, Andrea

    I think your situation is different from mine. This one comment is the one and only time my husband has ever said anything that made me question my appearance. Throughout our relationship, he has complimented me on my appearance often, he is eager to have sex, and he tells me I am beautiful, hot, shows me affection, all of the things a woman would want a man to do in order to show affection, devotion, attraction, etc. That’s what has made this one comment so extraordinarily damaging. It has caused me to question the sincerity of all of those countless compliments and demonstrations of affection. I know that it is unhealthy, but for some reason I find myself reliving this one hurtful comment, a comment that he took back, apologized for profusely, has done his best to help me forget. I relive those words over and over, and I look back on our happiest moments together, of which there are so many, with disillusionment. Why is it so hard to forget the hasty words that made me feel bad about myself and so hard to focus on and be grateful for the innumerable moments in which my husband has made me feel beautiful? I do think I am beautiful. I exercise. I dress well. I have great skin. I have insecurities about my body, like most women, but I have always gotten attention from men for my appearance, and women have always complimented me on my beauty as well. I want so badly to believe that not only am I beautiful, but that my husband has always thought so too. I want to feel confident in this, never having to question it, to feel secure in it the way I once did. I just cannot let myself believe that now. I don’t know how. It all seems so vain and shallow, but I feel that if I only had the security of not having to think about this, I could focus on more valuable and meaningful aspects of my inner life, but this is an almost constant torment to me. I truly do not know how I will ever free myself of this now. The thought of starting over with my ex or with someone new is a tempting fantasy of escape, but the thought of ending my marriage and leaving behind our love and the dream of a life together with him is almost too painful to imagine.

    #459079 Reply

    Anon

    For a one time comment ?

    Please go find out if you have been clinically traumatized …

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