This topic contains 11 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Anon 1 month, 1 week ago.
March 2, 2021 at 4:53 pm #846778
I had posted a question before, but seems like it was filtered or something,. I could never find it
I met a guy a few months back, we hit it off right away and although there were some minor red flags, I decided to give him a chance. It seemed like we were both aligned with what we wanted, he kept praising me and telling me how amazing I am.
I told him that I was having a great time, but I was not good with keeping things casual for too long, that I wanted a relationship and that I was going looking for, that we should decided if it was for us by mid February. I realized, he kept talking with his ex in a weird way, not romantic of anything, but it was like telling her about his dogs and things like that. I ask for an explanation and he promised he will cut it off, which he did.
By mid February, we have the talk and he decided to be official after that he start behaving strange, like out of him not focus and so on. So it has been like that for over a week, he already decided he needs to go to therapy and book an appointment. He still in the process of grief from this past relationship. I had been in therapy for quite a while and I have several tools to be able to support him without getting to much involved. However, I had never been in this situation. A great person in a terrible situation. One part of me wants to give a try and until yesterday I was monstly ok, but yesterday was too much, he keeps making comments, like I don’t want to hurt you and this is going to be difficult and so on, we had already talked about it and told him not to worry, that if something didn’t work for me, I would tell him right away, but nevertheless he kept with that same speech. Yesterday, finally, I told him he might be right and he was making things much more difficult of what they already were, by keep asking me if I was sure, that I should give him the space to go over his process by his own which was completely valid. He took it back immediately and apologize and started telling me how amazing I am, and how he likes me better and better each day.
Anyways, I wonder if that ever works, had you been with someone that is within the process of grief and trying to get back in their feet?
I feel, like I found an amazing person in the worst possible situation and I want to give him a chance, but I am not sure if this, like he says will affect me in the long run.
I would love to hear your story or advice THANK YOUMarch 2, 2021 at 6:34 pm #846799
I don’t understand why women need to place so much pressure on men?
I think the term “relationship” is messing things all up today. Back in my day if we were only seeing each other then we were ‘a couple’ without having any of these “what are we” or “what I’m looking for” talks, heck we talked about everything BUT that. When a guy introduced you as “his girlfriend” then you knew, if he didn’t then you were free to keep dating others; which is why the guys said it quicker back then because they knew someone else would if they didn’t lol.
Women would do a whole lot better dating today if they were less talk about relationship stuff and more fun to hang around. Just sayin.March 2, 2021 at 6:40 pm #846801
Are you a rebound?…
How long ago was his last relationship?March 2, 2021 at 7:48 pm #846815
I would end it now. He sounds like he’s not whole emotionally, which makes him a poor potential partner. Lane gave good advice for the future. Let the guy bring up exclusivity. Letting the man lead clarifies a lot.March 2, 2021 at 9:12 pm #846835
I had been in the not relationship situation as well and it has taken its owns tolls. After a while, i start having a hard time with boundaries and getting anxious. So I bring it up front. He was the one on the first dates that brought up, he wanted a relationship and a potential life partner. He is 40 I am 36.
He first told me it had been a year, and since his ex lives in a different city and he talked about an actual relationship. I thought at that point we wanted the same things. I realized it has been less than a year. (1 year since he move back to the city) but they were in contact until last summer or something like thatMarch 2, 2021 at 11:55 pm #846855
Sorry Honey, You are a rebound…March 3, 2021 at 1:51 am #846871
Taking crap from someone! What for? Normalize loving single life when you are not happy being with someone. Maybe you are missing out on a chance to be with someone better. Still you could stay and fight for your man. Only you can make the best decison for yourself.March 3, 2021 at 12:00 pm #846957
Thank you ladies. I am very baffle about the whole situation. I knew he had some issues and I already thought some therapy would be good for him (never mentioned it) but it was not directly related to this. I was really happy about him taking the step. But he has been retrieving more and more. I offered him, either I would stay with him and support his journey or I will letting him alone so he can take this on his own. He accepted the first. But I had said, he is more more distant and sad. It was until a few days, I realized he still have some sort of feeling for his ex and although, there is a big chance they are not going back together, that was something I was not prepared for (i know he has a hard time letting things go, for example: he doesn’t throw away broken stuff and things like that). I figured that this would give us some tools and that could be a learning experience for both, you know trying to get the positive side of the whole situation. But as I said, I was not prepare, for I-might-still-in-love-with-my-ex. I also didn’t know it was so recent. He had told me it had been a year, when we first started dating. I know what is the right answer I just don’t like it and I was hopping for some good story i which this was actually a good thing that might get me to try just a little bit more.March 3, 2021 at 3:29 pm #846995
T from NY
I’m sorry you are hurting. But do not complicate this. It does not matter what he said – at all. He can want to feel some kind of way all he wants but healing and processing don’t work that way. What matters is his feelings that have come up for him. He is in pain. You could be the Queen of Sheba and you’d still be the rebound.
Never wait on a man. You only ever abandoning yourself in the process and men don’t respect women who leave their selves behind or try to fix them. Let him go and do what he needs to do.March 4, 2021 at 10:39 am #847191
Agree with T in that you need to deal and work on your co-dependency habits, as this is going to harm you if you don’t get a handle on it now.
It’s not your job to fix broken men. Starting off in a counselor role is never a good path to take as you have learned here and hope this experience has been a teaching moment that you cannot rely on, believe or trust what someone you don’t know says.
Do you know why employers have a 90 day trial period? Because human’s are good at hiding behind a mask and only revealing what they want you to know or see but in short bit that mask begins to crack and will begin to reveal areas of themselves that doesn’t jive with what they initially presented to you. This is why you need to be far more discerning with strangers, whereas trust should start with 0 and they need to earn trust points; not demerits like this guy did where he should have been given negative trust points the more he opened up and revealed to you.
Your guydar (picker) needs some work. I believe you need to work on your co-dependency; set better boundaries (stay out of the counselor role); not be so trustful of strangers; and how to ask tougher questions such as “when was your last relationship?” “How long were you together?”…before you date again. A general rule is for every 5 years they need a minimum of a year to heal but there are many variables you need to ascertain before you can know if they need more time or not; such as, “why they broke up” (was he the dumpee? If so, they usually need additional time to recover). How contentious is/was the divorce? (the more contentious/bitter or drawn out it is, they need and extra year or two to fully recover). The most important question to ask is “how they ‘feel’ about the ex? Have they reached the stage of “indifference?” (not overly positive nor negative—they essentially feel the same way about them as they do with most or all their previous ‘exes’); if not, RUN. You need to become a better guywhacker haha.
As a side note: These harder questions should be peppered in with soft questions such as “what do you do for a living?;” What’s your favorite sport/hobby?” How many siblings do you have?” “How long have you been single/divorced?” [hard question] “What’s your five year goal? What’s your favorite food?” How do you feel about your ex? [hard question]…you get the gist.March 4, 2021 at 10:50 am #847223
Hi Lane – sorry your post didn’t go through earlier. The filter got a bit weird. (It saw the word ‘hacker’ in ‘guywhacker’, whoops! … It’s not a smart filter, heh.)March 4, 2021 at 5:47 pm #847407
I think you’re right on with you’re thinking. You are aware he’s recently out of a relationship and you wanted it to go further so you stated that’s what you’re looking for. That’s good. When you noticed his change in behavior it’s because he’s still dealing with the loss of the previous relationship with the ex- which is unfortunate because he’s not ready. Then when you decided it was too much and communicated this to him (good boundary), he back peddles and panicked by taking back what he said. He’s the one with the co-dependent like behavior but maybe because he’s not healed. He didn’t want to lose you- however- I think you know what to do and that’s let him go to counseling and heal from the relationship. He’s not strong enough to let this relationship go, but you sound like you are. By being concerned about what you should do when a man is healing from a previous relationship is your instinct letting you know he’s not ready for one with you.