Should I be Persistent?

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  T from NY 8 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #775508 Reply



    I am having trouble deciding what I should do. Any advice you could give would be great, especially any woman’s perspective that may have experienced something similar.

    Almost 2 years ago now I met and became friends with a girl. I didn’t really develop any romantic feelings for her right away. I did find her physically attractive when I first met her, but the romantic feelings came around 4 months later.

    At around the time I developed romantic feels I asked her out, we went on a few dates, but ultimately she said she didn’t have time to invest in a relationship. We remained good friends, going to concerts with each other and whatnot, but I never pushed the issue or made any advances toward her. She knew that I liked her, so I didn’t want to be a creep and make things awkward every time we hung out.

    There was an interesting night mixed in there where we had both been out drinking. I normally would crash on her couch, but that night she invited me upstairs to sleep with her in her bed, but explicitly stated that she wasn’t looking for anything serious. We spooned, nothing sexual happened, and the next day she apologized because she felt that that was unfair and she was leading me on.

    Fast forward about 4 months. I had been casually dating, not really finding any good matches, she hadn’t really been dating at all. I brought up that I still liked her, and if she was interested in dating. She said she didn’t think so and didn’t want to ruin our friendship. We remained friends.

    That last chat was about a year ago. We are still good friends, and I still have feelings for her. Since then, she had a short term thing around new-years last year with a guy her Mom tried to play match-maker with at a wedding. I have had a few 2-3 month spurts of dating someone exclusively, none of them developing into anything worthwhile.

    I have talked with some of our close mutual friends. Her roommate told me not to wait around on her, she doesn’t know what she wants and she thinks I will just end up hurt in the process, that was about a year ago. Her sister, who I actually knew first and am good friends with, basically said that even though they are sisters.. she doesn’t have any real clue what her sister really wants or why she turned me down.

    My close guy friends have given the typical, “Dude, there are plenty of other girls out there so just move on.” I have tried that. I still like this girl way more than anyone I have dated, and being close friends with her only reminds me of that.

    So, here I am asking the internet for advice. Do I ask her out for the third time?? I don’t want to mess up our friendship, and I don’t want to come off creepy. I know women don’t like to repeatedly tell someone they aren’t interested. Should I give it some more time? Should I maybe test the waters and ask our friend group what they think her reaction would be, with the risk of her finding out through them?

    Advice is appreciated! Thanks!

    #775511 Reply


    She’s been pretty clear she’s not interested…

    #775522 Reply


    I can tell from your post, she is genuinely not interested in you.
    Don’t allow yourself to be rejected for the 3rd time. She isn’t keen on you from a romantic perspective. Turn your attention to others, I know you state you haven’t had good matches, but if you keep yourself available, go out more, you’ll find the right one for you. This girl isn’t the one. Stop chasing unrequited love.

    #775537 Reply


    It’s a good thing you asked. You definitely need advice.

    Fact is, a woman knows, deep down in her soul, if she could ever love a man, and she has tried to state to you that she just doesn’t have it for you.

    She knows. You have to accept that.

    Fix your attention on some other female quit chasing a dream.

    #775556 Reply


    Can you see yourself genuinely having platonic feelings towards her? Being friends with her might prevent you from truly moving on to someone else

    #775579 Reply


    There have been TV series – several seasons long – with an ongoing, neverending plot point where a guy works with a girl he fancies and watches her go through relationships, fall in love, and move on with his life, and he’s still wistfully wanting her. It just strings along, episode, after episode, and the guy’s emotional state withers to a desiccated husk.

    In a few of those TV series, the guy ends up in a relationship with the woman. We never really see how that turns out, though.

    Other series are just cancelled before reaching a resolution, because who the hell wants to watch a person hold-up their romantic life for years over someone that they won’t be with.

    Drop her, find something else to fill the void. You will be a happier, better person for it.

    #775636 Reply


    Sorry but she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for you at all. I’ve been there, guys who were crushing on me but I didn’t have any of those feelings for them, they were truly just *friends* who I like to hang out or party with with from time to time but that was it, all it was, and all it would be.

    I’ve also had *bed buddies* where we just slept together fully clothed, just talked about random stuff, fell asleep, I woke up, and left. This was purely random and rare however, usually when I just felt the need to be close to someone without having any romantic desire for them. They were *safe* to do this with because during those times (phases) I had no desire to be with a guy, like her, as I was fully enjoying my single carefree life. Although this was a phase that would last a year or so, there *had to* (a must) be a super strong romantic desire for me to date them.

    May I ask if you’ve kissed her? It would be a major risk at this point but if the kiss is super good and gives her “the *tingles” (makes her stand on her toes), she could change her mind about you in an instant. Just know it may not work as I’ve had really good kisses with a man I was not into and it did nothing thing to change my mind. On the flip side. I’ve become instantly romantic with one I wasn’t even thinking about that way, just thought of him as a friend, a nice guy to chat or hang out with on occasion, and if not for the surprise kiss, I would have never felt it. Again, it could work or it could not but at this point you have nothing to lose and probably best to take that risk and lose her as a friend v. living in perpetual friedzone land, which is where you currently reside and will always reside. Depends on how much longer you want to torture yourself?

    #775642 Reply


    I think its time you move on from this woman and perhaps give this friendship some space.

    She has made it clear on a consistent basis that she is not interested in dating you.

    Asking her again will come off as desperate.

    Take your friends advice she is not the only woman out there. I think because you haven’t met anyone you’re interested in you keep gravitating towards this woman.

    #775664 Reply


    You are looking for real love. Real love only happens 2-3 times in our life. So, using that fact and that you will live to be 80 then it only happens every 20-25 years. I think you are impatient and want it now – but it doesn’t work that way.

    Real love is mutual, both people are invested totally. Keep looking and wait for that – it is well worth it.

    #775669 Reply


    Just a note on Lane’s idea of a surprise kiss to see if there is a spark ( which is a good test usually). She has turned you down twice and in this day and age,a “surprise kiss” could be interpreted as unwanted sexual advances/assualt, and could even lead to reporting/charges. I would not risk it. Better to accept the dis-interest and”move on”.

    #775677 Reply

    T from NY

    The thing is Matt — this post is not really about your female friend — it’s actually about you. About your own emotional unavailability. I’ve realized my own unavailability in the last couple of years and have taken huge steps and made great changes to the way I treat myself to change it. I am not bashing you — I’m just gently letting you know — if you loved yourself more you would never consider asking this girl out again. You would never attempt to make a pass at her. She has told you UNEQUIVOCALLY she is not interested. Not once, but twice. If you regarded yourself more you wouldn’t continue to make attempts to win someone who was not enthusiastic about you.

    I now understand and have trained myself to only give energy to men I like AND who are excited about me. I also have a mad crush!! A man I dated for a few months and we learned we want different things. I still think about that man. He’s the only guy I ever added to FB (isn’t that cheesy?). But you know what?! I also blocked and deleted his telephone number. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Because for 1.5 years we went back and forth about being together and I realized — it WASNT GOOD FOR ME. I now love myself more than any potential romantic partner. I wish the same for you.

    Yes I date less. But I am SERIOUSLY the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Because now I practice exactly what it is I say that I want, and only give time and energy if there is reciprocity. Get to work tending to you. You’ll be better for it.

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