Rubberbanding?


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  • #431673 Reply
    Alexis

    So I met this guy three months ago – a bit younger than me. I was hesitant to get into the relationship, but we just hit it off and started seeing each other. Usual story – texting/calling every day for two months. Our schedules are very opposite so it’s been hard to make time for each other, but we do. He changed jobs, and then, boom, pulled back on the texts and calls last week. I gave him his space – no calling or texting him. We got together over the weekend and he right away apologized for not being in touch, that his new job didn’t honor the financial commitment they promised him and he is now making a lot less than he was before, and that he’s very stressed. Our weekend was amazing and wonderful. I kept it fun, no pressure, and he completely opened up to me. We’ve never had a better time together, talked literally till 5:00 in the morning. He was very loving and attentive and reassuring, said this was amazing and why would he want to leave, etc etc. Here we are again at week 2 – and he’s pulled away again. Do I just let him be and for how long or do I mention something? Not sure what’s happening here. Help!

    #431676 Reply
    sarita

    No.. no use chasing him. this is going to happen often. either u train yourself to be strong and slowly.. u will not panic when he pulls away or else if u cannot do that…let it g. but pulling away is common for ladies and men

    #431677 Reply
    Cel

    Hi Alexis

    When men worry about work, finances etc. they tend to retreat into their own little word so to speak. They deal with their issues and then just like that they are back to being themselves. Or at least its what’s been said on this site. lol

    For now, give him space. Maybe check in to see how is doing and if work is any better. Keep it light and not too emotional, he’s dealing with some stress now.

    Good luck

    #431690 Reply
    Alexis

    My only other confusion is the differentiation between not being interested anymore and needing space. According to the site – watch their actions. So if he’s not contacting me as much, is it man-caving because of the stress, as he says, or is it pulling away because of no interest? Just confusion in that respect. How long do you wait before saying anything?

    #431692 Reply
    soni

    appears as if he is stressed. as cel said just give him some time and space and then u will know for sure.

    #431693 Reply
    Cel

    I struggle to see the difference between these two as well, at least you know he’s under a lot of stress. That’s probably where the difference comes in. When they have no issues or stresses in their lives and they go quiet it usually means they’ve lost interest. However if they are going through something, then maybe they are just trying to find some stable ground again. Men are simple creatures, they can only focus on one thing at a time, we can juggle so much more.

    I would just try and wait a bit, check in every so often and just keep it stress free and light for now.

    #431705 Reply
    Lane

    Hi ladies.

    The difference is easy but you need to be IN a relationship or he could be using it as an excuse to bail, so need to be extra cautious when in the early dating stages.

    When a man opens up and tells you something is going on in his life that has nothing to do with you, but almost always work, then its him telling you he needs some space to deal or work it out ON HIS OWN. Men need to have a “purpose” which for majority of them is based around their career/work and if that’s unsatisfying then everything in their life will feel the same way because that’s their numero uno priority in life, not a woman as they can easily go though life without one.

    Dating/relationships/friendships are usually the first to suffer when men aren’t happy in their career/job. If your not a strong and confident women who’s not able to separate yourself from his issues (not take them on as yours), then you will only create bigger issues and stress for him that he does not need or want and won’t hesitate to cut you out.

    Believe it or not but “supporting a man” doesn’t mean you have to take care of or fix him, it means giving him some extra space so he can focus on and fix it for himself because trust me on this, if you do it the right way when he does solve or work through it he will make it up to you big time! If your an independent and patient woman, but not a pushover either (finding that right balance) then these are really good tests to determine how well you work a couple when as you hit bumps and hurdles life will throw your way whether you’ve been together 6 months or 60 years.

    #431712 Reply
    Alexis

    Thanks, Ladies!

    I have absolutely given him his space. He does still contact me and I’m very, very positive when he does. I don’t put any added pressure. The only comment he’s made is he thought I was mad at him last week for not contacting me as regularly because I didn’t contact him! LOL It’s a tangled web…so I sent a very positive text his way to let him know I’m still here – nothing needy (I’m not too needy anyway – this dating is all new to me as I’m a widow who was married for 20 years). Thank you for all the advice – this is a great site!

    #431733 Reply
    Lane

    Great Alexis!

    Your doing good, not too little but not too much. I however would put a time frame on it though because you don’t want to be seen as a doormat either, waiting around for a man to get his crap together will make you look weak in his eyes so need to strike that delicate balance by letting him know that you understand he’s working through something right now but still needs to check in and find some time for you too.

    If you are not exclusive then you shouldn’t ACT exclusive. Should still be out there dating other men, doing your thin,g and not getting too wrapped up in someone who’s not giving you any attention when things tough. Riding things out is one thing, but being STUCK and not progressing at all is another, so make sure you know which one it is before proceeding.

    #431839 Reply
    Alexis

    Thanks for all the insight. I’m keeping myself busy, but I’m getting “advice” from girlfriends that his behavior is a change and I need to move on. Now I’m really confused! Today is his day off and I have not heard a word from him. We have no plans for the weekend. As far as being “exclusive,” we’ve had the monogamous talk and he has assured me if he’s going in another direction he would tell me. (He’s been bluntly honest to this point, so I have no reason not to believe him). I’m trying not to panic since we had the most amazing weekend and he assured me all is fine. I don’t know how much texting would be too much as one gf said “don’t text him at all” and another says do what I feel is right and text him if I want. I just want to give him the space, but don’t know what would be considered too much. Don’t want to be construed as needy but definitely do not want to be a doormat. When is the appropriate time to have some kind of talk about what’s going on and how would you approach it? Thanks again, ladies!!!

    #431851 Reply
    L

    I think the answer lies between your own comfort level. For me.. if I feel a guy is OK and I just want to reach out to show him I am thinking about him..I will send a quick text like “hey you busy?” or “hey how are you?”.

    Neediness is texting several times in a row when you feel that your not getting a response or the response you want. How are you? Where are u? Why arent u calling me back? Are you ignoring me? Thats needy!

    If you think you are being needy you will come across needy…set your mind to say I’m just reaching out if he doesn’t call/text back then that’s it don’t call him again. If a guy doesn’t respond to my text then I know there is no reason for me to address him anymore. I have yet to have a guy not respond.

    I wish we women could understand the difference between being confident and coming across needy. Just because we ask, say or suggest something to a guy its not being needy its your reaction of how he responds that determines your neediness.

    If you were to ask him…hey want to do something this weekend? Is that coming across pushy/needy? Now what if he says no I’m busy..how would you handle that?

    #431855 Reply
    Lisa

    Great advice Lane. I learned something from this. It is that balance – not being too malleable but also not being too demanding.

    #431880 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Alexis.

    I know it can be tricky when something changes right when you think your on the right path you get taken on a different one. But that’s OK and its life’s way of saying no relationship will ever be perfect, you WILL hit bumps and hurdles but its how you work together to overcome them is what counts. If you run away every time it gets tough then you shouldn’t be in a relationship!

    Again, its how you handle and deal with it as a couple that will determine your suitability. Assure him that you aren’t going to run away because something’s not going right in his life, but at the same time hit doesn’t give him licence to ignore or not spend time with you. You have to be upfront and direct with men because they can’t read minds so you need to communicate with them too….quid pro quo.

    Agree with L. If I want to contact a guy I will, not because I need some instant response (unless its a real emergency), but that I have something to discuss with them. I stay clear of those “what are you doing” or “whats up” texts (I hate it when men do it to me) and mainly use texting for logistical purposes…”on my way see you soon”, “stuck in traffic will be a tad bit late.” I prefer the phone so I can hear their voice and determine their state of mind before deciding if their able to engage or not and then let them call me back when they can.

    #431884 Reply
    Alexis

    I guess what’s hard is it’s such a drastic change – he always 100 percent texts back, and today – not a word. I just texted “hope you’re having a fun-filled day off!” I’m not a serial texter and don’t call him unless necessary. He always said he likes that about me. This is all new to me, so I just have to get used to it. I think if it continues, I will have to have the talk about being on the same page, and if we’re not, move on. I just don’t want to jump the gun.

    I know he’s not home – saw his friend and he indicated he went up to the north burbs today (I did not ask for the info – he volunteered it.) I’d like to assure him I’m not going anywhere, but I have to see him and talk with him in order for that to happen. He hasn’t reached out (except Wed) and we have not physically talked since Sunday.

    Thanks for letting me vent! I’ve talked to two of my friends that have not had a successful relationship EVER and they keep telling me it’s a drastic change in behavior and he’s making me feel bad and it’s not healthy and I need to run. I think it’s a little soon for that, but agree it is a drastic change.

    Thanks again for the words of encouragement – I need to hear them rather than the negative thoughts of friends who have not had good relationships.

    #431893 Reply
    Mistral

    Hi Alexis,

    I was going to address this post just to Lane, but I feel you may benefit from it also. So here goes to both of you:

    I am reposting this part below because this is EXACTLY what I am having to do right now. I will explain more after the para from Lane’s post.

    “Believe it or not but “supporting a man” doesn’t mean you have to take care of or fix him, it means giving him some extra space so he can focus on and fix it for himself because trust me on this, if you do it the right way when he does solve or work through it he will make it up to you big time! If your an independent and patient woman, but not a pushover either (finding that right balance) then these are really good tests to determine how well you work a couple when as you hit bumps and hurdles life will throw your way whether you’ve been together 6 months or 60 years.”

    My boyfriend is having financial issues right now. He is having to do work for people he doesn’t care for. In fact, one of them is the woman he broke up with me for back in December. She is the rich one. The one his family “loooooove”. I am the “ho” according to some in his family. She screwed things up by being too controlling, like many high powered lawyers tend to do.

    He has NOT told me that he’s doing work for her because his masculine Alpha Male pride won’t allow him to tell me he is feeling that desperate because he honestly can’t stand the sight of her now. He also knows that I knew he was “dating” her while we were back together too and so probably doesn’t want to hurt me any more than he already thinks he has. He had to choose and he chose me a couple months ago. He told me we are exclusive. Knowing that he committed to me even though some in his family hate me, is proof enough for me of his love for me. He went to all sorts of risks and potential trouble to be with me, so I am handling this in a balanced way.

    I am NOT asking him about his work at all. I am letting him initiate 80 percent of the calls, texts, dates right now. I am basically giving him his space. Yet, if he wants to hang out and I’m not doing anything, even if it short notice or late night, I go along with it. Why? Because more than likely, it’s the only time he had to even be with me….and since I obviously want to be with him too, why should I let some stupid “rules of dating” cut out my fun time with him?

    Lane is correct. If you want a happy and healthy relationship with a man, get emotionally healthy and happy in your own life first. This happens by living for today and not worrying about tomorrow. By thinking positively and being optimistic about your own life. Having goals and dreams that are your passions that you would like to fulfill one day. Get a new hobby. Do something you’ve always wanted to but never had the time. I’m learning to play Bass Guitar. I wanna be able to go and jam on stage with my son one day.

    #432061 Reply
    Alexis

    thanks again, everyone…these are great responses. I have always considered myself a very healthy, fulfilled, happy person. My husband passed away in a horrific car accident that I was in with him, and I’m just grateful to be alive. I’ve always approached life with that attitude. That’s why this circumstance and the change is foreign to me and it’s hard for me to deal with it.

    Enter this guy…he has been amazing and knows my circumstances, that I am very selective, don’t sleep around…etc. He told me he knows how lucky he is, that I’m a keeper, etc., He has moved it into something other than what we talked about: keeping it fun, enjoying each other’s company,spend whatever time we can with each other. He has told me he loves me, told me I’m a keeper, this relationship is not a hookup for him, etc..etc…yet as the weekend moves on, I keep questioning why he doesn’t pick up the phone to talk – we haven’t talked since Sunday…he texted me last night when I was out and I didn’t respond right away cauz I didn’t have my phone near me. His response was to my earlier text about hope you’re having a great day off, only five hours later. I texted him this morning, and he responded with “I miss you.” Yet, no phone all during his break today, no plans for his other day off tomorrow (but we normally don’t get tog Sundays). Are my expectations too high with this? My daughter says since I did not clarify last week that I didn’t like when he doesn’t call, he has no idea it bothers me. My single friend told me he’s not treating me right. So many varying opinions! Getting confused as to whether it’s truly rubberbanding or other. Mistral’s advice about just enjoying the time you have is what I think I would like to do, and Lane’s advice on getting through the bumps and hurdles, etc. I’ve taken to heart and tried to think positively, but it’s getting harder as the weekend goes along.

    #432063 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Alexis.

    Do not listen to your friend. Geesh, why can’t a man take a weekend off to do things? Just because your in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to live in each others pockets, and should be independent enough to make time doing your own thing and him doing his.

    In fact, if I’m with a man too much I’m the one who pulls back. I need AIR and time to breathe doing things that I enjoy like golf, softball, hanging with friends, repainting a room, clearing out the yard…you get the gist. A man should be the cherry on top of your fabulous sundae called “life”, not the sole center of it.

    Yes, you wish he would have called and scheduled something with you this weekend but that’s perfectly normal and OK because I’m sure there will be some weeks/weekends where your extra busy or have things planned that you want to do without him, and that is HEALTHY as it gives oxygen to the candle (relationship) that keeps the spark burning. Trust me, you WANT a man to “MISS YOU” because if he doesn’t then he’s not in love with you. Relax, chill, and trust it will all work out :-)

    #432064 Reply
    Mistral

    Yes, your expectations are way too high. The poor man got to your text from earlier in the week as soon as he could and responded to it with a thoughtful answer. When you texted this morning, he told you HE MISSED YOU…what more do you want from this poor man?

    You said:

    “My daughter says since I did not clarify last week that I didn’t like when he doesn’t call, he has no idea it bothers me.”

    I’m going to assume your daughter is either married, or an INCREDIBLY WISE WOMAN!!!! Either way, she’s totally AWESOME!!! She is absolutely correct. That poor man has NO IDEA of what is going on in your head. Trust me on this. Listen to your daughter. She is way smarter than your silly single friends.

    They are single for a reason. They have no common sense when it comes to men and relationships. I bet they are all professional women with good incomes…figures! Silly women who bought into the whole “we need to be just like men” bullcrap that was touted by bitter old women like Patricia Ireland of NOW organization and her ilk.

    #432065 Reply
    Mistral

    @Marie,

    YES I DO!!! My man is AWESOME!!! :)

    #432072 Reply
    Alexis

    That’s where the confusion comes in. With distance and our schedules, we see each other abt every week and a half. It’s not a regular thing. But we slways made plans in advance. We have nothing scheduled for this week coming up either.

    That’s why i feel it’s different, I guess.
    And my daughter is 24 and single :)
    She is a very wise young woman…no bf though :)

    #432073 Reply
    Alexis

    and is there a difference between being minigamous and being exclusive?

    #432074 Reply
    Alexis

    …monogamous..

    #432152 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Alexis.

    If you want to see him them pick up the phone and find out what his plans are because if he’s in the thick of something, like a work project, then that’s where his focus will be. If you want to see him them maybe mention something about picking up some dinner and going to his but you do it once and then let him lead again by making the next plan or two. When IN a relationship it doesn’t always need to be him making ALL the plans as they can use a planning break here and there :-)

    Whether exclusivity means monogamy is up to the couple to discuss and clarify and I would clarify that with him. When I’m exclusive it means monogamy to me and if it doesn’t for him then I walk away because we aren’t on the same page of something that’s one of the top of my list of core values.

    #432163 Reply
    Andrea

    Since you have been together only 3 months, I wouldn’t say calling him to schedule meetup is a food idea. Although myself got into relationship very fast because he fell for me head over toe and I wasn’t able to resisted, I do agree that relationships take time to develop, you are still in that not so sure stage, so you should let him prove his solid interest and your job is to approve his potential to be a good partner. Yes he is in difficult situation now, but a man who does not want to lose you will find the time. You cannot expect everything as the same as the beginning, but you can set your bottom line. If he hasn’t asked you to be his girlfriend yet, you do not act like one being understanding by waiting for him patiently. You give understanding by allowing him to be himself, that is, the way how he treats you, the effort he is willing to put in, but you have your final say yes or no to it. As to myself, I would not stop dating other men until he commits. Commitment means he spends time with me no matter what, if he wants to stay alone for one or two weeks, he will say that clearly in front and have a reason to do so. During the space time he needs, he will stay in contact however, I will allow contact drops to certain level.

    #432176 Reply
    Mistral

    Hi Alexis,

    It’s definitely good to hear that your daughter is such a smart woman. There’s hope for the future generations. :)

    As to what Lane said, I agree. I did something similar just yesterday. My boyfriend is going through some stuff where his schedule is erratic. I wanted to spend some time with him today so I just asked him what his plans were for today. He told me what was going on and so I just said “cool”. I didn’t go on to tell him what I was planning in my head simply because what he was going to do today is more important than him coming over for dinner at my place.

    If I’d told him what I’d planned, he might have felt bad at disappointing me because I know he wants to be with me when he can. So since what I planned, a simple dinner could be had any other day, it was best to just say nothing just then.

    He also had texted me yesterday afternoon thanking me for something I did and asking about my son. I didn’t see it for 7 hours so I just texted back with “oops, didn’t see this” and then just answered the question he had about me son.

    I know he understood I was probably busy and wasn’t ignoring him. So that is also how I look at it. I was busy and that is why I didn’t see/answer his text right away. He responded to my response 1/2 hour later and that one I responded to right away because I was right there and I wasn’t doing anything.

    By knowing that I got busy and didn’t respond right away, I know I wasn’t playing any games with him. So I give him the same courtesy. If he doesn’t respond right away and I know it’s nothing I did to cause any distance, then he’s just busy and didn’t see/hear the text. He will respond when he can. He always has, so I just don’t worry about it.

    Hope that helps you in your situation.

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