Response to Eric Carles "Are Men Evil" newsletter..


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  • #358886 Reply
    Kate

    In the “Are Men Evil?” newsletter many valid points were made.. until I read the part about withholding sex. I think that withholding sex IS a contributing factor on relationship potential. I heard that early on men decide if a woman is just for a good time, or serious relationship material. Women get emotionally attached after being physical. By delaying the physical part we are protecting ourselves and getting to know the guy better (weeding out the ones that are no good). Too many guys look at women as a toy and after they play with it they toss it aside. If your mother or sister were in the dating world would you suggest they sleep with a guy right away? That sounds like a perfect formula to get used or an STD. Those popular books about bitches aren’t really about being a bitch. I own them, and they have very valuable advice. They are about making sure you are respectable and aren’t bending over backwards to be taken for granted.

    #358888 Reply
    Kate

    Please excuse my typo.. Eric Charles (not Carles).

    #358891 Reply
    Gemini615

    To withhold sex as a means of manipulating a man into a relationship AFTER you’ve already slept with him is wrong. Some women take sex off the table after they fear the relationship isn’t heading in the direction they want it to and they are afraid the guy is using her for a hookup. Removing sex from the equation after you’ve already engaged in it, for the sole purpose of trying to convince a man to value you as relationship material and not hookup material, is the wrong way to go about things and usually back fires. I think this I what Eric means.

    Now, having pre-determined standards set for yourself that you won’t break regardless is another thing entirely. If you go into dating knowing that you won’t sleep with a man until you are in an exclusive, committed relationship, and you express this to him early on, there is nothing wrong with that. That is your boundary and men will respect that; some will be ok with it and others won’t. That is how you weed out the FWB types from the serious relationship types.

    #358892 Reply
    Kate

    I agree with you Gemini. I just think too many women are too available and give themselves up too easily, too soon, and then they’re surprised that it doesn’t work. They’re surprised that the man disappeared.

    #358893 Reply
    Vicky

    Dear Gemini615, I hope that you aren’t suggesting that a woman who has sex with a man once doesn’t actually have the RIGHT to change her mind! Yes, manipulation is not a good tactic for a relationship. However, people make mistakes but just cause a woman says yes to sex once, twice, or three times or more, doesn’t mean she can’t say no in the future. Yes, it’s a sensitive situation how she handles it. However, I don’t think that you should give the message to women that a woman shouldn’t say no to sex if she’s said yes to it before, and call that manipulation when it just might be course correction for the woman. Yes, it’s harder to go back on crossed boundaries but any person is human and errs then they have the right to not have sex and not be called manipulators.

    #358902 Reply
    Lane

    Good discussion Kate. Its critical that women understand the mind of a man before they engage with them. Most men have specific “types and qualities” their attracted to, but will have sex with any willing female participant. Just because they take you out on one or two dates doesn’t mean they envision a future with you, which is what a man needs to do before he can profess his love. Those who talk about a future with you TOO EARLY (first or second date) are most likely desperate so I would be very careful with these guys and keep sex of the table longer than one who professes it in the 3 months.

    Men don’t bond through sex like we do, whereas ladies need to be acutely aware that if they sleep with a man without without truly knowing if he’s interested in more than the physical (sex) then their hormones are going to wreak havoc on their emotional state, especially if they’re highly attracted to them which is a double whammy. This is one of the TOP three problems women post on here, where they went on a couple dates, had sex and he FADED. Women really need to become better male detectives or they will continually find themselves repeating the same patterns of having sex too early then wonder why their still single.

    I have always been an advocate that a man MUST be far more interested in you than you are him. This dynamic resulted in 4 proposals with 3 different men between the ages of 18-23 because my father sat me down at the age of 17 and told all about “the chase” why men pursuit, and what to look out for. His dating playbook helped me to avoid a lot of the dating pitfalls young (and older) ladies fall into. Knowledge is power! :-)

    #358906 Reply
    Lane

    As a side note: I also agree with Gemini who made very valuable points, especially with the ladies who try to use sex to manipulate men into doing what they want them to do—not a good dating or relationship strategy.

    Sex should be about two partners solidifying the bond they’ve created after spending a good amount of quality time really getting to know each other on a personal level. Dating is to determine if you’re a good match in a lot of areas (communication, finances, parenting, career/life goals, etc.) because sex alone cannot make or sustain a relationship.

    #358907 Reply
    maria

    I haven’t read this newsletter. What exactly did Eric say about withholding sex?

    #358926 Reply
    Kate

    First I want to say that Eric makes a lot of good points in the newsletters. This one “Are Men Evil Part 1” The key points I’m commenting on (disagree with)
    Misconceptions-
    1.Making a man earn you means being bitchy to him
    2. Making a man earn you means witholding sex
    He thought it would be wrong for a woman to hold out for a relationship.
    He mentioned many married people he knew had sex on the first date. Some of his best long term relationships started that way.

    Now call me old fashioned (I’m 31 w/ my husband 9 years) but before my husband I had many negative dating experiences. I was (in the past) too nice, too hopeful with men. When I got my own life, became too cool and too busy and yes even a little sassy with higher standards.. met my husband. Guys who I liked (pre-husband) would play games, tell me what I wanted to hear and actions never matched up. I changed my mindset, and my dating life changed..I changed to be more challenging (not less) and I feel like it separated the boys from the men.

    #358936 Reply
    tallady

    I feel curious about how having one gender way more interested in the other creates a healthy sustainable and intimate relationship that passes the test of time. Perhaps people could share their thoughts.

    I fully agree that men should lead, but as I age, I do am less and less enamoured with a relationship that has game playing involved. Again, not leading, but real relationships are based on intimacy, growth and connection – not a chase. And the men I see in healthy relationships would never stand for a long term chase. They would lose interest and move on and the women they are with would never be so inauthentic.

    I really like Evan Mark Katz on the topic – be generous and responsive – but mirror the man, never give more – but always be warm, playful and appreciative.

    #358937 Reply
    tallady

    and once in a relationship, then you can be even…

    #358947 Reply
    Gemini615

    Vicky, if you paid attention to what I said, I emphasized that withholding sex depends on the REASON. Sure, it anyone’s right to decide they don’t want to have sex anymore, but if your reasoning behind it is that you are hoping withholding sex after already engaging in a steady sexual relationship will push him to want to be in a relationship with you, then that IS MANIPULATION.

    #358954 Reply
    tallady

    To back up everyone here, when you stop sleeping with a man you already slept with – you look weak and needy. Why? Because men want women who own their emotional experience and do not create drama. They want women who do what they say and say what they mean. If you sleep with him without setting boundaries, you are saying, I AM OK WITH NO BOUNDARIES. If you then say – well, I have a boundary, you look like you have no idea how to control yourself your emotional state or how to control your actions. Think of it like getting sloppy drunk – you seem out of control of your experience.

    It is ok to sleep with someone without explaining, but why risk it? If you state before you sleep together what you expect and that you can talk about it together as you grow, then you know you are on the same page… and if he goes away, then you are better off!

    #358979 Reply
    Lane

    Hi katie,

    I agree with you on the points you mentioned:

    “He thought it would be wrong for a woman to hold out for a relationship.”

    Its not wrong, whereas a lady shouldn’t feel she must have sex with a man she barely knows. What Eric doesn’t understand is how much sex screws with our hormones/emotions that bonds us to a man. Its best for a lady to withhold it to make sure he’s a man of good character and his intentions are pure, meaning he sees a future with the lady not just a romp in the hay.

    >He mentioned many married people he knew had sex on the first date. Some of his best long term relationships started that way.”

    And I know of many who have been married for 30 to 65 + years where they didn’t have sex until they were married after a long courtship (2-3 years). There’s more to relationships than SEX. I agree that its important but trust me, when times get tough or life throws you curve balls you will need to rely on communication, compassion, negotiation, empathy, wits, strength and whole lot of perseverance.

    #359021 Reply
    kate

    Lane-you are lucky your Dad warned you!!! After dating failures and being left with multiple heartbreaks I changed my mind about being open-minded with physical contact. . it didn’t work. It’s like going to Cancun looking for true love.. wrong way to find it.

    Talllady-It helps when the guy likes you more. When women are attracted or get physical it clouds our judgment..we invest too much and the guy starts giving minimal effort. If they can get maximum results for minimal effort they will. We tend to short-change ourselves. A lot of the things you mentioned about how relationships should be are ideal. If a women goes about things smart she does things on her own terms, let’s the guy work for her affections. Some things are just human psychology.. there’s conscious and subconscious things going on.. so if you think your married guy friends are going to admit things to you.. first remember there could be things they haven’t consciously admitted to themselves.
    Years ago when I was in college I used to pick my women friends brains. Some of these ladies had the guys damn near worshipping them (and they weren’t the best looking either) I asked them “what are you doing? what’s your secret that they’re so obsessed with you?” One said she had the “next” mentality.. like if he’s not acting right “Nexxxt!!! (man)” another said “Men will never admit it.. but they love a b*tch”.. she advised me not to be too available to guys.. if they’re expecting to talk to me a certain day, keep busy (too busy). Look, I know it’s all exhausting. I’m not even saying it’s RIGHT for things to go this way..but if that’s the way it is, we gotta play our cards right as women and be a few steps ahead. I didn’t want to resort to this all myself, but it worked.

    #359025 Reply
    Maisie

    Maybe it comes down to different definitions of the word bitch?

    My impression is that Eric was advocating secure self-confidence as opposed to acting out in anger or fear or manipulation or cruelty (just like the author of the why men love bitches book differentiates between these two things).

    I don’t think he was advocating sex on the first date, but rather just to have sex when it feels right for you and recognize that a relationship (and the reason people fall in love and commit) has a lot more to do with personality, compatibility, and chemistry.

    I think he was just advocating self-awareness and good boundaries (just like all the posters here were describing). One thing I really like about his articles is that he focuses on confidence and inner growth rather than telling women when they can or can’t have sex. I think part of the issue was that he was reacting to the way that relationship wisdom gets translated into sound bytes (“you have to be a bitch, and a guy will never respect you if you sleep with him right away”) and translate that into something more nuanced…..”be secure and confident in yourself, know your boundaries, and have sex when it’s right for you rather than as an attempt to control the other person.”) maybe some of it got lost in translation but I do think he’s basically on the same page….

    #359039 Reply
    Lane

    Hi Maise.

    I don’t see how “bitch” can be defined your way? Sorry, but I’ve never heard the word bitch be used in a positive way other than when describing “a female dog”. I’m not at all PC but there’s a negative connotation to it, no differently than “drama” has been used (and abused) by men to negatively classify a woman with emotions. Men can be just as dramatic but they seem to be able to get away with it v. a woman.

    I do agree with most of what you (and Eric) said about manipulation, but both sexes have agendas and trying to determine the others motivation is like walking through a minefield, moreso today than it was 20+ years ago because of all this technology and hookup mentality. Even the most confident women with standards and boundaries can be DUPED and/or unceremoniously DUMPED where their heads are spinning and asking themselves WTF just happened?!? I digress.

    #359041 Reply
    Maisie

    Hi Lane,

    I actually don’t like the use of the word bitch at all, I was just trying to articulate what the “why men love bitches” book use the word to mean (they use it to mean self-sufficient and secure) and what Kate was saying about men loving “bitches” in the sense of a confident woman with boundaries who won’t wait around for a man. My point was just that I think when Eric said “men AREN’T attracted to bitches” he meant that they aren’t attracted to cruelty, self-absorption, and meanness, and that confident, calm, secure behavior is more effective and more attractive than anything. I think the “why men love bitches” book used the word as a provocative title but paradoxically the behavior they advocate is classy, composed, calm and cool ….the total opposite of “bitchiness” in my opinion. But it’s definitely a word that gets thrown around a lot.

    And yes totally…..it’s almost impossible to know someone else’s motivations from the start, so best to just do what’s right for and respectful of you. I do think depending on brain chemistry and personality women have very different attitudes and approaches to sex …..for most women good boundaries with sex mean being aware of the effect it can have and acting accordingly…….depending on if you’re more prone to a dopamine rush (which guys experience more readily) or an oxytocin overdose (which women often experience)….I think (I hope!!!) he wasn’t advocating sex before you’re ready but just waiting until you ARE ready – like you’ve said, vetted the situation and the guy and yourself to make sure you’re comfortable with it – rather than sticking to a magic number of dates, since that timeline is probably different for every person in terms of when they would feel comfortable and able to make good decisions.

    I really liked what you said, I was just trying to give my interpretation of what Eric wrote because IMO it was actually pretty consistent with the things people were saying here and a positive message about confidence and boundaries.

    #359043 Reply
    Maisie

    Also I love your point about men and drama…..soooooo true!!!!!

    #359046 Reply
    Lane

    Thanks for the clarification! I didn’t realize men were attempting to repackage the word bitch and turn into something completely else again. I can’t keep up with all these new fangled dating techniques—its used to be so much simpler!!! :oP

    #359047 Reply
    Lane

    Acck, meant: “something completely DIFFERENT again..”

    Etymology on steroids.

    #359050 Reply
    KayceeRN

    I too have been reading Eric’s emails and am honestly, I am definitely NOT ready to work this hard to have a relationship. Too many childish games going on with grown men if you ask me. It should NOT have to be such an ongoing delicately played game of tug-o-war to find a boyfriend. As a mother of 3 grown boys (now men and we are all very close) , I don’t see them behaving like this, and playing games with women…I think I would just strangle them if I found out any different.

    I am really beginning to savor my “singleness” and everytime I feel just a little bit lonely, all I have to do is have a come-to-Jesus meeting with myself to remind me how great my life is now without a man. I am petrified of hooking up with someone who might screw it all up for me.

    #359052 Reply
    Maisie

    Lane, you are hilarious!!!

    Kaycee, I think loving your life is the most important thing and ideally none of this should feel like games or work at all, and I don’t think you should have to live in fear of some guy messing it up …..YOU decide who you let into your life. I truly believe the advice here is almost 100% about doing the inner work to become a naturally fulfilled and happy person with or without a relationship….and then in that case dating will just flow naturally. I think keeping the focus on yourself and growing as a person – confident without a relationship but unafraid of and able to fully enjoy connection – is the real work and it’s not really about doing a complicated dance with a guy so much as just getting really clear with yourself and knowing yourself in a deep way. I think it’s AWESOME that you are completely happy with your life and I just wouldn’t let fear or anything else hold you back from making connections……if and when it’s right for you :-)

    #359107 Reply
    Tallady

    My married friends do tell me the truth and universally the married ones say they married women who were sweet and smart. That was why they chose them. I listen to married people about relationships, not single ones. Not one of the married women I know has said I used a chase a to snare him. They say they were responsive, receptive and appreciative.

    Do not confuse what single and confirmed bachelors tell you. Men who are not looking for commitment want a challenge, and when it is over, they end things. Men who do want a commitment want to lead, but they do not want an unreciprocated Interaction. Men marry women who make them feel good about their lives and themselves. That is why you should let them lead, and when they do, be appreciative, responsive and receptive. That allows men know you are interested, but still be warm and kind. If they are not leading, then they don’t get the warmth and kindness.

    Eric never says anywhere you should have him like you more or make him chase you. He says to be yourself and let him lead with confidence. There is a very big difference.

    I really wish we would stop with the crap dating advise that giving less love gets you more love. Giving with confidence to the world and letting men lead gets you love. The rules women ended up divorced so what did they really get? Healthy men will tire of women who do not call them back, insist on being given to without reciprocation and no vulnerability. Again, this does not mean lead…. It means receptive, responsive and appreciative.

    #359109 Reply
    Tallady

    People who are happily married usually say that the game went away when they met the right person because games were not necessary and the relationship easy. They both liked it each other and it was clear and the man kept showing up and it made it easy for the women to feel safe and give.

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