This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ss 1 month, 1 week ago.
May 29, 2020 at 10:40 pm #791710
So the guy I’m dating for 3 months (we’re both in our 40s) have been exclusive but he’s only been divorced for a year and 2 months. I’ve been divorced way longer. Anyway we got into some big discussions lately about life, relationships and he revealed a lot of things he wants to work on with himself (he was married just over 3 years but like I said now divorced). I asked if he felt like he was in a place to be in a serious relationship and he said it makes him “nervous” but admitted that since we’ve talked on the phone every day for last couple of months and see each other regularly, and the way he FEELS, we already are. I told him that’s good because I wasn’t going to act like a girlfriend and not be called one. I told him that in my opinion men who say they don’t wanna be serious don’t wanna be serious with that woman. He said “I do not believe that’s the case here” I said “well it is if you’re willing to lose me over this” (I truly thought I would break off if he expressed doubt about his feelings or wouldn’t call me his gf or I thought he would step out) Anyway he said “I’m not willing to lose you over this” and I asked what he meant. He said he would like to call his therapist that helped him through his divorce. He said he had never had “feelings talks” with a partner in the past and ran away the moment it got hard. But we discussed he has been willing to sit in his discomfort with me and talk about emotional things. He expressed he likes that I push him (emotionally) but then also give him space. (I live a full life. We see each other couple times per week)
Anyway. He also shared the talks we’ve had tax him because he isn’t used to them. But he said “I think it’s good for me”. I have NOT initiated any of the talks they just sorta happened. My question is – he’s being quiet this past week. He hasn’t made plans for the weekend and he always does by now. But he’s continued texting (couple of check ins daily) and has called me each night. He sounded super pleasant this evening. I figure I’ll give him space this weekend and I will not ask about plans. Because I appreciate him expressing he’d like to grow. He’s not real verbal on a good day. I guess all I can do now is let him be…May 30, 2020 at 4:36 am #791711
I have no idea what you are proud about. Your bf expressing himself? Two ideas entered my mind reading your post.
1 you act like you are his mommy therapist, watching him grow, giving him space to he can express himself and
2 you read too many how to date books/websites. You dont tell a guy yours not acting like a gf unless you are. You do that from within. Now it sounds more like a selling pitch to him.
I feel you are talking this guy into s relationship in stead of waiting to see if he is in. Why dont you stop the feeling talks for a bit and go do men things like biking, hiking, fishing, bowling etc. Fun things, not therapist talkMay 30, 2020 at 4:52 am #791715
What Newbie said. You sound like a dating coach/therapist rather than a potential girlfriend. Maybe ease up a bit on all those dating rules and try to get to know him a bit better. See if the relationship has potential to grow rather than having all these theoretical emotion/relationship talks. He is a potential partner not a project that needs to be managed.May 30, 2020 at 6:28 am #791716
oh wow. Okay. I did not know I was doing that. I was proud he was able to tell me his feelings because he said he doesn’t usually do that. I absolutely am not trying to be his therapist. We just got to drinking wine in the hot sun one day after hiking all morning and we just began talking. We do a lot of fun things together and talk about a lot of subjects! It was just this past week we both seemed to have a lot to say. Maybe talking about the label was my baggage coming out, and so I will watch that But I will make sure I am not bringing up relationship conversations going forward unless they’re really needed and I mostly want to have fun and enjoy him. I’m a very expressive person and I understand dudes aren’t but I think him offering to seek help was amazing and guess I was just wondering what people thought about him being nervous. It makes me nervous. Also it feels like he’s taking space now and I just wanted support about that. I know it’s good to take it. I enjoy it myself. I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting to be criticized for having a convo that I did not even orchestrate. And I do want to keep keep getting to know him.May 30, 2020 at 7:11 am #791717
I don’t mean to be harsh. I am only reacting to what you wrote and how it comes across to me.
The conversations you are describing, sound like ones I would have with a good friend about my relationship rather than with the person i am seeing seeing. Especially if its only been 3 months.
Anyways, i think its a good idea to give him space and go with flow for now. But i would keep an eye on his development.
A lot of times the person who pushes someone to get help and improve is NOT the one who ends up in a relationship with them.May 30, 2020 at 7:19 am #791718
I also was responding to the vibes of your post and im glad to hear you didnt express all of that to the guy.
But like cupcake said, for sure let hom come to you. You know him a couple of months and you call him your bf. In reality guys can get carried away at first and then suddenly hit the breaks because they realize they are not really feeling it. This from what i seen here en read on other websites, is almost always around the 3 month mark. So now its especially important to live your own life.May 30, 2020 at 7:27 am #791719
Thank you for this advice. I am going to be very quiet and just respond happily to him. Yes we did become exclusive quick because of the pandemic and basically had to have quarantine dates. I think I did get carried away recently about future thinking so maybe got defensive when he expressed reserve (didn’t show it but felt it). Going to regroup and focus on me. There’s no rush here. Thanks again both of youMay 30, 2020 at 7:53 am #791720
I think that sounds super sensible. All the best to youMay 30, 2020 at 6:16 pm #791726
I don’t think I’d be happy if a man i was dating said he saw me as his therapist… that’s not sexy and just seems off. I have often noted that the women that help put a guy back together again are rarely the woman these guys settle down with. Its almost like they don’t want to be reminded of when they were feeling a bit broken and you just help him out so he can go find a relationship with someone else.
There is nothing wrong with deep talks that start organically but the not acting like a gf comment wasn’t wise. You seem to feel he has been a bit distant since the conversation but you also say he is texting and calling as usual – so is it you that’s feeling off/unsettled and maybe projecting a bit?
3 months is basically crunch time. Its when men decide if they can see a future so its important to tread carefully and not come across as needy or pushy.
I hope things work out well for you xx