Not entirely sure what he's wanting?


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This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tammy 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #935651 Reply

    Sezza

    Hi.. I’m a little confused and potentially reading into this wrong..

    My friends friend asked me out for a coffee a few weeks back. He and I met and chatted for a few hours then parted for the day. I got a message a few hours later saying how much he enjoyed my company, and could we meet again at my earliest convenience so he could take me to dinner. I declined, I was happy with cuppa now and again and being a mate, and told him I wasn’t interested anymore than being friends.

    He said he understood and looked forward to catching up again soon.

    He messaged last week to ask me out for coffee, and I said I’d get back to him which I did, saying that I can’t make this week as my dad is unwell, but could catch up the following week. He queried my dad, and I told him it was to do with mental health. He then said blokes find it easier to chat to other blokes and suggested perhaps he and I meet up along with my mum and dad and my two boys as it might help my dad to talk if theres another bloke there who’s a friend of his daughter.

    I just thanked him and said I’d keep it in mind and left the text conversation there.

    Thus morning I got this message..

    Hiya, look I hope you don’t think I was being pushy and using your dad as an excuse to see you, I truly was trying to help. When I asked you out for dinner, it was to spend time with a beautiful, sexy, intelligent and lovely lady. To be totally honest, I am not looking for a romantic relationship or even a sexual one for that matter, for reasons I don’t really want to discuss.

    But I am quite lonely and I know that’s probably my fault. I don’t like to go to places, walks or do very much on my own, but I do love doing them with company. I would love to do the aforementioned with you because you seem a happy person and I like your company.

    Well that’s what I was going to say had we been able to meet on Wednesday this week. My offer of help with your father is sincere but I won’t mention again unless you ask.

    Hopefully we can meet up soon. S x

    I’ve not a clue how to take this, or how to respond. I appreciate he feels lonely and he enjoys my company, but it all feels a bit full on?

    Any insight, suggestions or advice would be most welcome x

    #935653 Reply

    Ewa

    it is a bit full on and maybe even a bit too much, but might be worth seeing him again, unless you didn’t really enjoy his company.
    he called you sexy and beautiful , not really something a guy who is looking for just a friend would say though.

    #935661 Reply

    Raven

    I get it…
    & it’s a little odd- about your dad.

    Doesn’t mean you can’t have dinner occasionally with a friend. Unless he’s creepy or gives you weird vibes.

    #935665 Reply

    Maddie

    If he’s not looking for more than friends for reasons he’s not comfortable talking about, and he’s struggling a little with his boundaries (he sounds a little unsure of how to approach people even as friends), he may have genuinely been offering to talk to your dad because he figured they both struggle and he could perhaps relate and be of help. That’s a lot for someone who doesn’t really know you, though, and becomes a problem if he pushed for it. I think him bringing it back up again was likely he realized it was a little weird and was just trying to explain himself, but we can’t read his mind.

    I agree that it depends on the vibe you feel and how much you are trying to meet new people to make friends right now. I think he’s socially awkward with his own issues and wants companionship, but it’s up to you if he seems like a solid guy to be a friend or if there’s something off that makes you uncomfortable. If you feel he’s creepy or makes you uncomfortable, trust your gut! His loneliness is not your problem (you can feel empathy for his situation without taking on responsibility to help him solve it). If you enjoy spending time with him as coffee friends and he respects that you want to leave it at that, then that is okay, too. You can also ask your mutual friend how long they’ve known each other and if he’s a solid friend, though ymmv with that. I’ve occasionally had friends vouch for someone who turned out to be creepy!

    #935666 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Sorry but I entirely disagree with Ewa and Raven. I’d stay away from this guy entirely. There’s a lot here that’s cause for great concern. What does your mutual friend have to say about him??

    “When I asked you out for dinner, it was to spend time with a beautiful, sexy, intelligent and lovely lady. To be totally honest, I am not looking for a romantic relationship or even a sexual one for that matter, for reasons I don’t really want to discuss.” WTH is this even all about?? He sounds very confused and pretty messed up where women are concerned. It’s extremely worrying what he would do if he found out you were dating someone else and didn’t have much time for him any longer. He asked you to dinner (that’s a date activity) because you’re such an alluring woman, but he’s not looking for a relationship and doesn’t want sex?? I call BS.
    This guy is straight up weird and not being honest with himself or you. Sounds like someone has hurt him badly and you’re going to pay for it.

    “I am quite lonely… you seem like a happy person and I enjoy your company.” That’s an energy vampire talking.

    “… suggested perhaps he and I meet up along with my mum and dad and my two boys as it might help my dad to talk if theres another bloke there who’s a friend of his daughter.” The warning bells from this statement are deafening. He’s trying to insert himself into your entire family and he hardly knows you. And really? He wants to be a therapist to your father?? No no no no no.

    This all feels like a major guilt trip to get you to see him again. This man is not emotionally healthy and doesn’t understand appropriate boundaries and he feels like he’s a drowning man grasping at someone to save him from himself. You know that drowning people often take their would-be rescuer down with them, right?

    I’d just say, thank you for the offer. I’ve got a lot going on in my life and I’ll let you know if that changes. And leave it at that. The less you say the better. Don’t offer long excuses. And if he hits you up again, tell him you’re dating someone. And I”d let your mutual friend know you don’t want any information about you being passed on to this guy from now on. You are not obligated to save this man from his loneliness or his problems.

    #935667 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I totally agree with AngieBaby. This guy is a stranger, he’s someone you’ve hung out with one time. And yet he wants to insert himself into your family (and your father’s mental health issues?). What makes him think his presence would even be welcome in that context? It’s so presumptuous! And disrespectful of personal boundaries.

    Just reading this post has a creepy and inappropriate feel. His loneliness isn’t your responsibility! And it’s not your responsibility to keep him company. I know many women, probably most women (including myself), feel an unnecessary degree of responsibility for others’ comfort and happiness– so it feels harsh to blow off this seemingly sincere person who says he’s lonely. But what he’s doing is using your female sensitivity against you, and playing at your heartstrings. And then he’s flattering you by telling you how sexy and lovely you are, while swearing he doesn’t want sex….something is way, way off here.

    I think you shouldn’t entertain this guy. AngieBaby summed it up very well. He’s creepy, he doesn’t respect boundaries, and he obviously you know something isn’t right or you wouldn’t have had to come to a message board to ask. Listen to your gut!

    #935673 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Liz, I’m glad you see where I’m coming from.

    I understand that sometimes it’s good to give someone the benefit of the doubt in some cases and I appreciate that’s where Ewa, Raven and Maddie are coming from, but this isn’t one of those cases in my book, by a long shot.

    All I could think reading it was, this is how Ted Bundy lured in his victims. Faking a British accent, faking an injury – all kinds of things to make a woman feel sorry for him and come near enough for him to get his hands on her. I realize that this guy probably isn’t a serial killer, but I can see right through everything he said, meant to make her feel sorry for him and guilty for not continuing to engage with him.

    “To be totally honest, I’m not looking for a relationship” after the over the top flattery about why he asked her to dinner? Oh hell no. Never trust anyone who says “to be really honest” – whatever they say after that is a lie.

    If the OP were my sister, I’d lock her in her room for the rest of her life before I’d let her see this guy again. That’s how strongly I feel the danger vibes off this guy’s text message to the OP.

    #935693 Reply

    Sarah

    Thank you all for your replies.. its really helpful.

    Thank you for helping me to look at this from various different point of view. I can hear that he is feeling lonely, but it is all very full on and quite pushy, and a for me an uncomfortable read.

    I was happy to be a friend and catch up now and again before this message from him, but with his mixed message, my discomfort with it, and having taken in to consideration the views you’ve all kindly shared, I have blocked him.

    Thanks again :)

    #935694 Reply

    Maddie

    That sounds like the right call! Overall, I was saying to trust your instincts, which it sounds like you did. If you felt something was off, it probably was. The only benefit of the doubt I was giving was if he was far along the spectrum or something and socially awkward but otherwise well-meaning, and I didn’t have enough information to fully know which way the flags were waving without meeting him. (I’ve also met people like that who were misogynist and bad news anyway and used their neurodivergance as an excuse to continue acting poorly towards others.)

    To Angiebaby’s point, the people I’ve met in life who were actually the unsafest for others had no boundaries, which included trying to force “favors” on other people, do things they weren’t asked to do, and repeating the behavior / never backing down or respecting other people when asked to stop doing something or not do something. Some even seemed to just not understand what they were being told. This has been extremely rare in my life, most people are not like that, but it was very obvious something was very wrong when encountered. Even brief in-person interactions with them set off all the instinct alarm bells to stay away (my experiences with this were also not in potential dating situations).

    #935702 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Sezza/Sarah, I’m SO relieved to hear you just blocked him. That was the best possible thing to do, IMO. He would have been increasingly hard to get rid of if you had continuing to engage.

    I recently dealt with someone whom I had to cut off abruptly because she was repeatedly inappropriate, insensitive to what she was doing and how it was coming across, needy and carelessly sailed over boundaries, repeatedly. Certainly not a serial killer but the behavior was pretty over the top and I finally realized I was dealing with a narcissist. I’ve only seen that type a couple of times in my life, so I missed the early signs. So I may be more sensitive to weirdness right now.

    Maddie, I see where you’re coming from. But this guy doesn’t strike me as just “on the spectrum” at all. I’m a little bit “on the spectrum” myself. I’m overly logical and sometimes I miss certain nuances, although in this case I may have focused on analyzing the words so heavily that I picked up on things others didn’t.

    People like me are just clueless, and also harmless. We also don’t tend to be so pushy about inserting ourselves into strangers’ lives as this guy is doing. He comes across to me as pretty calculated in his choice of words and well aware of the manipulation his words set up. It’s all just very, very pushy.

    Anyway! Done deal and glad to hear it.

    #935706 Reply

    tammy

    Ted Bundy!!!!that name is enough to make up my mind. lol…

    #935707 Reply

    Mary

    Sezza, he is just very smitten with you. Just continue to keep it friendly and ignore the rest since you don’t feel the same. Probably a good idea to keep declining so he doesn’t get emotionally invested.

    #935710 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Tammy… right?? My mom saw a TV mini-series about Ted Bundy in 1986 called Deliberate Stranger, starring Mark Harmon. She said it made her a lot more aware of men who will play on a woman’s sympathetic nature with bad intent. She told me about the tricks Ted Bundy used when I started dating so I would know that I don’t have to feel sorry for men and help them or date them or whatever. I just looked – the movie is on YouTube. Mark Harmon got a lot of attention for the convincing performance.

    For those of you who don’t know, from Wikipedia:

    Theodore Robert Bundy was an American serial killer who kidnapped, raped, and murdered numerous young women and girls during the 1970s and possibly earlier. After more than a decade of denials, he confessed to 30 murders he committed in seven states between 1974 and 1978.

    He was executed in Florida in 1989.

    I’m sorry to be so scary by bringing up Ted Bundy and again I’n not at all saying this person Sarah is talking about is super dangerous enough to kill. We as women just have to be so careful and not so easily assume a man means well.

    My final post on this thread because I’ve said more than enough. Good luck Sarah, you’re going to do a lot better than this guy!

    #935718 Reply

    M

    AngieBaby, I wish I didn’t agree with you, but I do. It’s good for women to be aware of what to stay away from. I was super-naive when I was younger. I only ever wanted to see the good in people and I even asked God to bless me as such.

    Now I know that was a super-dumb prayer. Better to see reality than a skewed version of it.

    There are some situations where what you don’t know can hurt you.

    I think your Mum was a smart woman to teach you to be so aware!

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom. And also by you and everyone here guiding Sezza to stay away from this guy, it really is the safest option. It’s just not worth the risk. This is the stuff they don’t tell you about in the stupid love films and songs I grew up with my whole life. Real life isn’t how they present it in the movies. At all.

    #935723 Reply

    Tammy

    Hv read a lot abt this serial killer @ Angie.. so know exactly what you were trying to say… and well when a person whom you dont know at all, tries way too hard, it definitely gives you a reason to be alert… Its best to be safe thn sorry!! So gud she blocked. Besides he overshared and tried way tooo hard to be nice. Dsnt mk sens whn you say your just lukin for friends.

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