Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › No contact rule
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by
Maddie.
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Mary
Does no contact rule work? Our relationship became a little toxic, and we decided to end it – for now. He broke up with me and I begged, but I realized that’s the best for now. You can’t force anything. We had such a nice and calm conversation on the phone yesterday. We decided to try again later on, after college, or even before. We decided to stay loyal to each other and focus on ourselves. We actually PROMISED each other we will get back together! We will try the no contact rule first. He said he will reach out to me in about 30 days. Is this going to make him miss me?
Tallspicy
No contact is not to get him back, it is to get you back to you. A man dumped you, you stop talking to him, not promise to wait. Where is your self esteem and care????
Mary
Totally, but I still love him dearly and don’t want to lose him. He is a great person. I saw his flaws and still love every piece of him. That’s why I’m asking this. I’m his first girlfriend and love, and he is a total nerd also. That’s why he doesn’t want a relationship right now. He couldn’t balance relationship and college. But I know he loves me so so much.
Daria
If he knows you’re waiting for HIM to decide whether or not he wants to get back together with YOU, then he most likely never will. He’ll continue to treat you like a “sure thing” and string you along until someone else catches his eye. If anything, now that he has his first relationship under his belt, it’ll give him the self confidence to play the field like he’s always wanted to (it doesn’t matter that he’s a “nerd” or that you were his first girlfriend, the fact remains he’s a college guy and will act accordingly).
Take this as an opportunity to focus on making yourself happy, be active, surround yourself with people who make you feel good, and just live YOUR life. It’s also an opportunity to learn more about yourself, specifically what you will and won’t accept in future partners/relationships.
Anderson
Why did the relationship become toxic?
If I’m understanding this right. He initially broke up, you didnt accept it, and then he suggested the 30 day no contact? Not to be trigger-happy but I wouldn’t expect you two to get back together. 90% sure. And generally it’s a bad idea to gamble your heart on exceptions to the rule. No one can stop you from having hope. Sometimes not even yourself. But I’d suggest you lower your expectations significantly.
Breaking up with someone you love and care is hard as it is, on top of that if they are unwilling to let go it becomes incredibly difficult and near-impossible. And so I would be very skeptical of those promises made during your breakup conversation. Not saying it’s a lie, but there are too many reasons it could be in the moment. It’s not a clear-headed promise by any means
I dont know what your definition of love is. But mine isn’t holding onto something tightly… even if I’m afraid of losing it. In fact, it’s a funny law of life that the more desperately you chase something the more it will elude you. I learned this first-hand, most everyone does, so dont feel bad.
Treat this like a break up. Dont pretend to get over him, or do it for show, but genuinely start working on it. Focus on yourself like others suggest. If and big if he really wants you back, he will do all the work. So you dont need to do the holding on. On the off-chance you dont feel as strongly about him after a month… then that would be a trivial issue because if he really wanted you back he’ll make the effort to win you over again like he did the first time. And you can then decide if you’ll take him back. As much as I can empathize with the temptation, you’ll do yourself and your chances no favors wasting the next 30 days lamenting and pining over him.
Lane
You are learning some very bad habits here that are going to hurt or harm future relationships if you keep acting the way you do. You are not only using emotional warfare but developing co-dependency traits, which are very toxic and damaging to relationships.
The one thing that is on the top of a man’s “needs list” is RESPECT and once they feel disrespected its over in their mind. You are not respecting him. Not respecting his need or desire to be not in a relationship and he feels forced to give you a bunch of lip service to keep the drama at bay and hoping that in time you’ll lose feelings and/or meet another chap thereby giving the freedom he so desperately wants.
I truly hope you take this time to do some serious introspect in how to better handle, cope and deal with situations or problems that arise. You lack active listening, coping and problem solving skills which is not a winning life strategy. I know you’re very young and have a whole lot to learn but now is the time to start learning them. If your college offers some of these classes as an elective I suggest you take as many as you can, so at least you will be focusing on something positive v. a guy—they are a dime a dozen!
Raven
Oh Sweet Girl, You have your entire lifetime…
Mary
I completely understand. I should move on and not think we are going to get back together because it will hurt even more when he won’t want it. The thing is, he said that when he’ll be ready for a relationship, he’ll reach out to me. But I can’t hold onto that. I need to move on for my own good and learn how to live again without him. I’ll focus on this during these 30 days. If he’ll be ready to start again – great. But if he won’t, and say we should try again after college, I’ll leave. I’m the one who said it’s better for us not to talk for now. And he said he will reach out to me.
Maddie
“I should move on and not think we are going to get back together because it will hurt even more when he won’t want it.”
Well, kind of… you should not think you’re getting back together because you deserve someone who doesn’t break up with you instead of working out issues, and you deserve someone who consistently wants to be with you. It’s not about getting over it because “it’ll hurt more if you don’t.” It’s about moving on because you deserve a better match and partner for yourself, and you are making the decision to honor yourself. So you shouldn’t want to put up with anything less.
That’s the mindset you should be working towards during no contact, as it will help you have healthier relationships all around in the future. It’ll empower you in general to flip your perspective in this way and focus on yourself and build up your self-confidence.
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