This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Elvira 1 month, 3 weeks ago.
December 1, 2020 at 6:32 am #828154
I broke up with my ex about a month ago, because I felt that he doesn’t care much about me. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he forgot about my birthday (like not even a birthday text) after I told him repeatedly when my birthday is and the importance of my birthday to me. Besides that, I do feel that he doesn’t remember much about me. He said sorry, but I didn’t accept the apology then.
I called off the relationship, telling him that this is the last message I will be sending him and am never seeing him again. Maybe I had overreacted, I don’t know…but at that time I was just very upset.
When I tried to contact him after, he ignored my messages completely. So I thought he was annoyed or upset and didn’t want to have any further contact with me. And so I moved on.
Now, he just contacted me saying: “was trying hard to end the relationship…but I really can’t…even I do my best” and “I miss you badly.” When I asked what he wants, he said: “I understand your unhappiness. And I’m sorry for that. And I wish I do give you some good memories…out of those bad wants”. I replied that, yes, we did share happy memories, and was just disappointed with him. And if that’s all he wanted to say, then ok, thanks, and goodbye. But he went further to say: “I’m not perfect, but that I did try to care about me. Memorising dates is not the only form of showing care.”. He added: “I miss you and I want you.”
He now wants to know what I think about our relationship. But truth is, I’m at a loss…I did cry over our relationship initially after I broke up with him, but I had managed to get over him after a week or so. I accepted that that’s the end of the relationship, and I really did move on with life already. But after he re-contacted me, the old feeling for him came rushing back.
So I would like to ask: Had I been unreasonable? Does he really want to reconcile or is he just lonely? And most importantly, should I forgive him and get back together? Or should I move on?
Thank you for your advice!December 1, 2020 at 6:34 am #828155
Oh, I forgot to add that we were together for a rather short period…just slightly more than 6 months.December 1, 2020 at 8:13 am #828172
The thing is that if he barely seems to remember anything about you and doesnt wish you a happy birthday after you reminded him constantly, he will probably be the same if you try again. I feel you tried a fake break up at first (because after you this is my last message ever, you contacted him again) and when he didnt respond you realized this is for the best. I would never break up with someone who didnt say happy bday, but if i feel it was a sign of general disinterest, i would. So i think you did the right thing especially when youre not even in a hurry to get back. Find a guy who takes a genuin interest in you insteadDecember 1, 2020 at 9:35 am #828193
You said you felt your boyfriend didn’t care about you, and the straw that broke the camel’s back was that he forgot your birthday. So he obviously had done other things before that (you said he doesn’t remember much about you), right?
I agree with Newbie, I have the impression that this is not so much about your birthday as it is that your boyfriend in general is not super into you. If he were you would not feel he didn’t care about you.
Listen, my boyfriend is forgetful, he can be very spacy sometimes. I will tell him things (not important things, just everyday things) and he’ll forget. He is not into birthdays, he doesn’t care about his own bday. BUT, I know he loves me and cares for me deeply. I don’t care about a big fuss on my birthday but I like to be remembered so he always does what I want to make me happy (take me out for a nice meal, etc). And he always makes me feel like I’m very important to him. So even if he did forget some small thing, I would know that it’s not because he doesn’t love me but rather just because he’s forgetful in general.
My point is, if your boyfriend made you feel loved and cared for, him forgetting certain details about you would not upset you so much. Forgetting a birthday when you’ve made it clear it’s important to you is a pretty big detail. But if he were a great boyfriend in other ways I could see letting go of that. But it sounds like he just didn’t have a strong interest in you in general.
I don’t know what his motives are in coming back but it may be because he’s just lonely. It’s winter, there’s a pandemic and lockdowns, it’s hard to date now. So maybe he just wants someone to be with for now. But what matters here is what YOU feel, not him. The more important thing is that you were over this guy in a week. You had already moved on. So I don’t see a reason to go back into a situation where a guy is going to frustrate you and make you feel unloved. I’m not saying this guy is a bad person but it doesn’t sound like you’re a good match, he did not give you what you needed when you were together, and there’s no reason to think that will change.December 1, 2020 at 9:40 am #828194
Also: your ex said memorizing dates is not the only way to show he cares. This is true. BUT, it’s important to you that he remember certain dates, such as your birthday. So it just illustrates that you are not a good match as a couple. It’s fine for him to not care about dates but if you are someone who wants to be remembered on important dates, he will never make you happy in that regard. My boyfriend could never date a woman who wanted a big fuss made over her on her birthday or Christmas, etc, because he is just not into that stuff. Luckily for us we are a match in that way, I don’t want a huge fuss either. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make a big celebration but you need to date people who feel the same way you do.December 1, 2020 at 10:06 am #828199
I agree with Liz and Newbie that the forgetting birthday was the last straw to a buildup of emptions with this guys treatment. Not knowing specifics it is hard to determine the root of your relationship. What I will say from your post is that this relationship is very young, 6 months is not enough time to allow a relationship to grow. I do understand how a birthday is important to you especially after telling him but as Liz said some of these occasions aren’t so important to others. If this guy treats you right in other areas there are a few things that can be corrected or dealt with that should not be deal breakers. It is obvious that couples have to learn to deal/live with each other. You will never find a perfect person who will satisfy all your needs but they can learn important ones. Would it be so bad to say “Hey know what today is….yes its my 27 years of life…I know your not into bdays but I am, so tonight we are going to dinner and your paying!”. I don’t feel that one day should be a cause for a breakup, I’ve known husbands who forget their wives birthday. Unless there is more to this that your not revealing this one instance to me is not a call for a breakup. If you feel strongly that there is no desire to get back with him then maybe your connection wasn’t as strong as you wanted. If that is the case then be honest with him about your true feelings and why you feel the 2nd time around won’t work.December 1, 2020 at 11:38 am #828214
Thank you so so much to who had replied to my query.
I understand that there’s the question of why I feel that he doesn’t care for me.
No, I did not leave out any instances of him being uncaring. It’s just that I feel he hasn’t done or say anything that shows that he cares.
As in…well, my ex bf (before this guy) use to text me every day to say good morning and goodnight, and enquire about how I was. This guy rarely does it, and so I feel that he doesn’t put me at heart.
My ex before him also texts “I love you” every day to, in my opinion, show his love. He also says that phrase repeatedly when we meet. This guy does occasionally text me “I love you”, but he has never said “I love you” directly to my face.
What he does tell me, is that he feels the sexual chemistry between us is very strong. That he really enjoys the act with me, and only me. Yes, he does say the occasional “I love you” after sex when cuddling, but saying those three words after sex doesn’t count, right?
So I don’t know…maybe I’m being over-sensitive. But to me, not doing those things I said, shows he doesn’t really care much for me? Again…I don’t know.December 1, 2020 at 11:54 am #828217
I still believe your instinct is right on. Like liz i do not care about birthdays and we had the occasional question here when a girl was devastated he forgot the birthday. And i was like god girl get a grip. I would in those cases follow elvira in just telling the day its my birthday, Lets have dinner.
This is different. At 6 months he should care about your wants and likes and from your additional post i would say that Yes for him its more about the sex than the love. And i think you know it. I wouldnt judge him on the texting, or lovey dove stuff that is missing since guys talk love in very different ways. But the fact he doesnt say i love you, but says you are a good match sexually says it all. There is nothing with that part btw but a guy in love does expres himself different in most cases. But if youre hesitant you can always ask him to explain his motives to reach outDecember 1, 2020 at 11:56 am #828219
There is nothing *wrong with that partDecember 1, 2020 at 12:44 pm #828234
You are placing value on a method of communication that is important to you (obviously, since you broke up with him via a text message) but not important to him. That’s not a judgement, just an observation.
One of the things you should look at when it comes to relationship is whether or not this person adds value to your life. The texting issue would not be an issue if you felt understood, loved and supported in general. He didn’t do that for you or you didn’t see his methods of trying to make you feel those things. So in that case, I don’t think you were being unreasonable. You made it very clear what you needed and he didn’t give you that. I suggest forgiving him (more for yourself to let go of harboured resentment) but just moving on. Getting back together seems like it would just be a repeat of the past. He’s lonely but he hasn’t really done any work to get you back.December 1, 2020 at 12:51 pm #828240
The way you explain it further like Newbie said guys (people) express their love differently. It would help to read on the love languages since it appears you prefer the ex boyfriends method of saying it constantly. I don’t think saying I love you after sex doesn’t mean anything…it may be when he feels like its the appropriate time. My ex was similar to your ex constantly saying I love you via text, phone, during sex, after sex he said it all the time. I loved it because I am not that way I show my love through actions like hugging, dinners, cuddling and I would say it after he said it such as when we hung up the phone (which probably became a habit). So there are different ways it is expressed….if your not sure of his feelings then speak to him and explain what you have explained here “communication” is key. Good luck.