moving on

Stefanie- I am thinking of just not responding. Is this rude or immature?

Amy, Alley,

My advice is not to just ignore. Although it is tempting.

Just write a short note that says, I appreciate your wanting to stay in touch but it is too hard for me to do that right now. I need some time for myself and it would be best if we didn’t have any contact at all for a while. Thanks for understanding.

This is the classy thing to do. Then you can ignore anything they send past that, unless some time goes by and you feel OK about responding.

Good. I”m glad.

You’re welcome. I’m looking at the ones where I knew I was doing the OP some good and am posting before I go. I don’t know what has happened here, or how I got in the middle, but if it’s this hard for people to know that I’ve got no mean intent whatsoever, I”m not doing anyone any good by being here and I have to use my time more productively.

I understand…. It seems that some of the OP’s are in a vulnerable state, and sometimes the advice is not what they want to hear. It’s also difficult to hear people’s tone when posting on here and sometimes advice comes off as blunt. I’ve read many of your posts on here to others though and thought your advice was always given with good intentions, while it may not have been what someone wanted to hear.

Stefanie…those of us who have read your advice over time know you are probably one of the kindest people out there. You also have a lot of insight to offer and so I would ask that you stay.

My personal take on this forum is I don’t respond to ridiculous posts. Some posts here are so over the top that I feel even if I chimed in it would do no good. I chime in on posts where the person does not sound ridiculous as I think could actually benefit from advice.

Stefanie-
Thank you so much. I decide to take your advice to let him know how I feel and to end this. I don’t feel the connection between me and him lately. Something is going on but I don’t know what it is. I’m tired of figuring out what’s on his mind. You’re right to not just ignore the problem. At least I will get relieved after things are sorted out. So I will reach out to him shortly, I don’t want to wait after Christmas. Ahh I really want to end this, just need courage to bring things up.

And I very appreciate your effort on the forum! You’re very kind to give everyone advice. So please don’t go!

Sherri, I think that is they key to it. I will just get selective and add where I think I can help. That girl in Sweden who is talking with the stoner in Canada who has so many issues and has now posted three times with the same thing, because she wants to keep living in fantasyland and not make a decision one way or another… I can’t help her any longer. I think the lesson is not get so involved and want so much for people who don’t want much for themselves.

All of you encouraging me not to go – OK, you’re right. I see I have done good here and helped people seeking answers get clarity and handle a situation better than they could on their own. That certainly was the case for me.

Fantastic Stefanie! So glad you are staying. You’ve helped many people here…but you can’t help all. No one can. You do make a difference and even one positive difference is reason enough!

Update : Thank you for the feedback.

Stefanie, my note was succinct however, he was not that clear in reality. He changed his talk often as well. This is why I was confused.
Flower, I asked him forthright as he was indirect, passive-aggressive even at times. I wanted clarity and had had enough. It hurt to not know what was happening as I had deep feelings for him.

My decision was difficult yet, just like I wanted a clear answer, I wanted clear actions or he was not providing them. On the contrary, he seemed oblivious to any pain or confusion he was causing yet would pull back at me whenever I’d start walking away. It was not healthy for me.

I subsequently cut all contact with him, after sending him an email thanking him for the positive aspects of our couple (because a relationship is two people, so if you stay in a poor situation you are also responsible, not just a victim) and I moved forward. I decided I did not want him in my life, this was not to “get him back”.
I have not replied to any of his attempts for contact as I did not like how he treated me the last few months. I am not interested in someone who needs a tug-o-war, and why would I want to return to someone who avoids clear conversation and does not treat me with respect?
It really is that simple.

There were many good memories and leaving has hurt yet a relationship is not built on potential, it is built on what is in the here-n-now.

:-)

Hi Amy. I actually went through this same situation when I met my bf a year and a 1/2 ago. He had kicked out his ex gf of 11 yrs in February. We met beginning of June. He would come into the 2nd job I have at a bar when I worked. Talked etc. Asked do my # on week 3. Went out twice then we had sex. The next day the “exgf” called me from his phone at 230 am. Then txt me. Calling me a name. All from his phone. She ended up calling my cell and my home phone a total of maybe 58 times in less than 12 hours. I lived with my mom and she woke her up at 6 am calling the house. I talked to my now bf let him know she had been calling (cont’d) after I told him in the afternoon. Needless to say he still loved her. Wanted to work it out with her blah blah. She called me text me 1day. I never answered her. She is now blocked and has been for over a year. Stalked me outside my house. He actually warned me. We wld meet and have sex then he would say he was trying to get back with her. After this went on for 2 months he finally woke up. She got the rest of her stuff out and started seeing me in mid September and we have been together ever since. I do have my own insecurities bout our relationship he is 10 yrs older then me and has cheated numerous times on his ex wife and the ex gf twice. (I’ve actually seen the texts from that girl and him in the last year). He said he won’t cheat on me and he doesn’t know Ive seen his phone. I’ve posted on here before. But to answer your question…. They can step up!!! Just like my mom told me. Quit talkn to other guys. He will come around. He chased me. Finally became more than just “sex”. I love this man and he shos me he loves and cares about me but hasn’t said he loved me yet. Verbally. Just be patient! If it’s meant to be it will happen. Go about your life and let him chase you. Don’t be needy with him let him contact you. That’s what I did in the beginning. Now if I don’t hear from him I freak out and it may only be a 2 hour period. So I “try” the no contact just to make him chase me again. Good luck!!

Hey Amy, I read this thread when it started. Thought you had already moved on since it’s been over 3 months??