Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Mismatched Libidos – Mine is High, His is Low
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Liz Lemon.
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Lynne
My boyfriend and I (both 41) are in love & totally committed to each other for the long haul – but are trying to overcome mismatched libidos. We do discuss this & he’s recently started seeing a dr. for low T treatment – but he also faces stress (from work, financial issues, family issues, etc.), and pain from other health problems. He wants to please me, but recently said he feels he can never fully meet my needs. He has also asked that I back off a little and let him initiate – but when I do this, he still doesn’t initiate anymore often than before, and usually waits until I’m beyond desperate to do so.
When we started dating a few months ago, we had some passionate makeout sessions (that DIDN’T end in sex)… I’ve told him how much I miss even that, yet he won’t even engage in that anymore. His excuses always relate to new stressors that came up in his life after we met (unrelated to our relationship), his low T, etc. The lack of affection from him has caused a huge amount of tension between us, and leaves me feeling very unwanted and undesired – and as a woman, that is a tough feeling to deal with. I’ve told him this, too, in a calm and non-accusatory way (using “I” statements as much as possible). I masturbate in between the times I get to see him (on average, once every other day or so) – he is aware of this & is fine with it, but can’t seem to understand that I don’t want to have to resort to this so often, and how badly I need INTIMACY with HIM.
I am encouraging and supportive of him in all areas of his life, try to be very understanding of his issues, and have suggested alternative ways that he can still fulfill my needs when he’s not aroused himself (using his hands on me, sex toys, etc.) He agrees to do this occasionally, but says he doesn’t want to be engaged in sex acts with me as often as I would like b/c sex isn’t a high priority for him (he’d rather be holding hands, cuddling, giving me a peck on the lips instead of deep, passionate kisses, etc.) – all of which I appreciate and enjoy, too… but there needs to be more than just that. He claims that doing the suggested “alternatives” for me when he has trouble performing leaves HIM frustrated and feeling like the relationship is one-sided b/c HIS needs are still not being met (he now fears that he’ll get really turned on and then lose his erection and be unable to get any release himself – which has happened often before he started his low T treatments). But he’s also told me that sex has never been a high priority for him, even when he was younger and didn’t have the issues with low T. He’s been cheated on multiple times in past relationships, and admits that this could be a big reason why. While I’ve assured him that I would never do that to him (I’ve been cheated on, too, and it’s horrible), I’ve also calmly explained how this situation is frustrating for me, as well (to the point where I WISH I could eliminate some of my urges and need for intimacy), and suggested alternatives – yet he will only indulge my suggestions occasionally, b/c of how it makes HIM feel… and in the end, we’re BOTH left feeling frustrated and unhappy.
He’s a good man, treats me well otherwise, tells me I’m beautiful all the time, and assures me that he is 100% attracted to me and my body – that it’s not my fault in any way. But now that I’ve suggested alternative solutions, he isn’t completely happy with those suggestions, either – and offers no other answers, other than for me to back off and suffer in silence when he isn’t in the mood to be passionate or even intimate in ways other than intercourse (which seems to be most of the time). I’m willing to give the low T treatments more time to work and see if things improve (since he just started them, as well as taking Cialis Daily, and it does SEEM to be helping a little, albeit slowly)… Also, I have told him multiple times how proud I am of him for being open with me and discussing such a tough topic, and for seeking medical help and treatment – that’s something a lot of men won’t do.
If things don’t improve in a few more weeks, I’m thinking it might be a good idea to see a sex therapist. Any other advice on how I should approach this in the meantime? I know I’m not alone… it just feels that way sometimes, and it’s incredibly depressing for me. But we love each other and I’m committed to making this relationship work, if at all possible! Are any other ladies out there dealing with this?
Miss_A
Mismatched libidos isn’t something you can overcome because you can’t change it. It sounds like you’ve offered plenty of compromises, and he refuses them all. I spent two years in a relationship with a man with severe ED, and he also refused to do anything about it. (We were in our twenties!!) After beating my head against a wall, constantly, I had to end it. Sure, we loved each other. But love is not enough to sustain a relationship long term. Sexual compatibility is huge. I valued and prioritized sex; my ex didn’t. My needs weren’t being met; he didn’t care. So, even though he was SO loving in other aspects of the relationship, this was a deal-breaker. See if your boyfriend is willing to see a couples counselor or sex therapist, but the outcome for this doesn’t look good to me. Sorry. If he’s not willing to meet you halfway, I don’t see this working.
Lynne
Miss_A, thank you for your advice, and I am so sorry you went through all of that with your ex! How frustrating, and how sad… I am TRYING, so hard, to give him the benefit of the doubt here, knowing that he’s facing a constant barrage of serious problems – and that the low T/ED is just one of them, but it does seem to be the main problem. I know his confidence and self-esteem are in the gutter right now, but he is taking steps to fix things and I’m trying to give it a chance because of that. He is one of the most loyal, loving, committed men I’ve ever met – and after a 25-year relationship/marriage to a cheating covert narcissist, and subsequent string of bad relationships after that (with liars, cheaters and f*ckboys), my current boyfriend really is a breath of fresh air in that regard. He is already claiming that he wants to spend the rest of our lives together, and hopes to get married maybe in another couple of years. My 13-year old son really likes him, too, and that is important to me. All of this is why I’m still with him, and why I’m willing to give it a serious shot – including seeing a therapist if necessary.
I do think that if he’s as committed to me as he says, he will agree to see a therapist with me on this issue, if the testosterone injections and Cialis don’t help enough in boosting his sex drive. (He literally just got his first injection and got started on Cialis Daily 6 days ago, so it’s still early in the process.) That is something we’ll have to discuss, and if things haven’t gotten better by the time he’s done with his next 3 injections that are already scheduled, I will bring it up and see what he says. I guess what bothers me the most here isn’t just the physical problems and infrequency of intimacy, but the fact that he’s so focused on his own “discomfort” at times when I want him to meet my needs, even in alternative ways – it comes across sounding dismissive of how serious my needs for passion and intimacy with him are! Almost like he is saying, “I know you have these needs, and I’ll do what I can to meet them SOMETIMES, but I can’t do it all the time or even as often as you want b/c it’s not what I want to focus on.” Ugh!!! In the end, you may be right – I may either have to settle for less than what I want in that arena, or end the relationship and move on. I hope and pray it doesn’t come down to that, b/c otherwise he makes me very happy.
Lynne
Just an added note: he is a former armed services member who suffers from war-related PTSD, and a lot of his physical problems stem from injuries he sustained from a gunshot wound that happened during a stateside training exercise. (The low T is unrelated to all of that.) This is yet another stressor that he deals with… Anyway, I hate to pressure him too much or seem overly pushy when he’s facing so many other problems right now, especially in light of the fact that he’s at least had the courage to take those first steps in solving the ED problem.
Newbie
You only know this guy for a few months and you are already so infested your son knows him very well already. So for me you are going way too fast.
Second, and this is going to sound very unfriendly. If your posts here are any indication of your personality, than you talk waaaay too much. You sound exhausting and trying to turn him into a pretzel. In 3 months you got him on steroids, a sextherapist soon, lots of talk about him not performing and you being unsatisfied. I find it a miracle he still wants to give it a go, since i would feel like a Total failure without any space to act on my own. He is trying to work it out and yet you dont give him any time and blaim him for not thinking about how this make you feel. And then there is the question how does this make you feel. How many times a week is enough to fullfill you or are you blowing this out of proportions? I care about sex too, but if a guy is trying i would back off for a whileNewbie
Try to reverse it. If a woman came here telling she has some issues to deal with and is not fully into sex atm and her bf keeps pushing her up until the point where he says:,Yeah i know you are not feeling it, but you still can give me a bj, we would you he is a pig
Newbie
*tell you he is a pig
Peggy
Hi Lynne. I have a very similar situation to yours and I hope I can give you some help. I disagree with Newbie. Now, early in the relationship ,is the time to figure out if this is going to work or not,before either of you invest more time and emotions into each other. No point waiting and leaving it alone for awhile-only to “wake up” a year from now and find you or you both ,are miserable.
I wrestled with this exact issue when I meet “Dan” . He had chronic health and E.D. issues due to a stroke he had suffered a couple years before we met. ( we are in our late 50’s) He was also not accustomed to much beyond “regular” intercourse”-which he could not do anymore.
So this was a big problem and I had to really think about it and I did talk to a therapist about it. Dan and I talked about it and saw his Dr. to get some “drugs” which have not totally solved the problem,for various reasons. Dan did want to please me and make the relationship work and that is crucial in this situation.So now is the time to know yourself and what you can or cannot “live with”.
So ,my tips and advice: Lower your expectations! Stop having a specific outcome with the sexual encounters. Both decide you will just be snuggly and intimate and “play” and see what ( if anything) happens. You may even need to forget about your pleasure for a bit and focus on his-give him oral sex etc. with the intention to pleasure him/make him comfortable and not because you are pushing what you want from him. Your guy has just started with the meds,so this will be a slow process. You need to be uber understanding and patient with him.
Dan and I decided to have a regular sex date.” This way the when” is clear-Every Sunday at 2:00 foR example. Something to look forward to,but it does not need to be discussed and wondered and worried about through the week. I think once a week, for the stage you are at now is plenty. A good start. If that seems way too little for you,then you are not “going to make it” in this relationship and should leave now.
We have been together 3 years and our sex life is still a “work in progress” and will never be everything I might ideally have hoped for. I appreciate him and his efforts though and he is very cuddly etc. and is becoming more relaxed about sex and enjoying it. He has health flare-ups that sometimes make it so we can’t have sex for months. I just know that will be part of the package and it is frustrating but “how it is” and what I consented to when I decided to stay with him.
So think very hard about yourself and what you can and CAN’T LIVE WITH. TalK to him and plan to see a therapist down the line for sex counsel if things do not improve. He has to WANT to fix this too or it won’t happen. He needs to see a therapist on his own for his anxiety and PTSD etc. issues,as well. You will need to be very understanding and patient and accepting if you stay. Good luck. You are younger than I am,so this much compromise may not work for you..really think hard.
Newbie said we would think the guy a pig if things were the other way around..I disagree. Sex and sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. Two people who love each other will do their best to accommodate and please the other person. You may not both get the perfect solution but rather one you can both happily live with.Lynne
Newbie – your remarks come cross sounding pretty condescending, to be honest. Like Peggy, I disagree with you on most of what you have said. If I seem wordy here, it’s only b/c I’m partially venting, but mainly just looking for some other suggestions and points of view from others who have dealt with similar situations – and people need to know the details before they can make educated comments, don’t you think? I have not tried to “twist him into a pretzel,” and it was his own idea to see a doctor for treatment of his low T – I never even had to ask! He made the appt. himself, and felt better about everything even after the first visit. I am proud of him for taking that step and have told him so! His dr. told him the low T was also a huge contributor to his feelings of stress/depression, and he is relieved to be getting that taken care of now. Like Peggy, I believe that it is best to sort out these types of issues early on in a relationship, so we can both decide what we can and can’t live with, see how we can compromise, etc., before things get any more serious. And no, if the roles were reversed and he asked me (kindly) for BJ’s or hand jobs in lieu of intercourse, I would not think him a “pig” – I would be happy to meet his needs in those other ways if I was unable to do so through actual sex.
Peggy, you make some great points here and it sounds like you and ‘Dan’ have really worked through a lot! Kudos to you on that. You mentioned slowing down, lowering my expectations, etc., and that is what I am trying to do, even though it is hard for me. I try to take care of most of my own needs right now, so I’m not climbing the walls and acting grumpy or irritable out of frustration… You also mentioned giving him oral sex, etc., with the intention to pleasure him/make him comfortable and not because I’m pushing what I want from him – I’ve already been doing this, and whenever he hasn’t had back pain, he’s done that for me, as well. I have toyed with the idea of setting “sex dates,” but right now I don’t think that’s a good idea b/c he has mentioned to me that he wants sex to happen “naturally” and “organically,” not planned ahead or when he feels like it’s expected of him – he says this puts added pressure on him… so I have not suggested that yet. I don’t plan to even mention seeing a therapist until further down the road, b/c I do want to give the treatments time to work and I know it’s a slow process… I’m just looking for other ideas on how to approach things in the meantime, or other ways we can compromise with each other in this area. My end goal right now, because we do love each other, is to simply find a “happy medium” where both of us are relatively satisfied in this arena. ;)
Lynne
Really, it’s not just about the sex itself, either – it’s also about the passion and intimacy, of him demonstrating through his actions (even just kissing/making out) how much he still desires me and is turned on by how much I desire him. I’ve even explained to him that just b/c I want him to kiss me deeply (using tongue, etc.), does NOT mean that I expect it to lead to all-out sex – I just want that intimacy back that we DID have in the beginning, you know? And most of the time, he acts like even THAT is a chore or a burden now… which really stings. (How can you consider it a burden when your girlfriend who loves you simply wants to you wrap her in your arms and kiss you with more than just a few pecks on the lips?) <<SIGH>>
Newbie
Look you got the unfriendly part about what i said and im still standing by it. But what you dont get, or maybe explained not well is the part you turning him into a pretzel. You know him 3 months, those months you observe and experience to find out if you are compatible. You seem to have totally skipped that phase and are on a level where your 13 yo son knows him well already and he wants to marry you. Thats an insane pace. And this is what gets you in trouble here. You run into his low sex drive but instead of vetting that and seeing if that will work for you, you have done nothing but try things and discuss it. Now in your last post you also add you need him to be loving for your selfesteem (honestly we all like that, i dont fond that weird at all but listen;), but you are asking this form a selfproclaimed low t guy, who already stated he NEVER had a high sex drive. So whats the worst pick for someone with a high sex drive? Picking one with low to zero. But since you acted all in so soon, now you are on pretzel mode. And im not saying this to make you feel like overbearing, but to please consider this went too fast too soon
mama
Lynne,
People express love in different ways (look up info on love languages). You’ve only been together 3 months and you are already explaining all the ways he doesn’t speak your love language.Even with the best intentions and love, people aren’t always a good match romantically. Maybe this is one of those situations. It just reminds me of the quote about fish — “If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking it’s stupid.” It just seems like you are trying to rewrite his script into being someone completely different.
Either accept his efforts he’s making now or just be his friend. All the best to you both :)
Peggy
Hi Lynne-glad you found my answer helpful-as I said,this worked for us but may not for you. 2 points-if he finds kissing etc. a chore,that is not a hopeful sign. He also resists having a sex date as he wants things to happen naturally?..Umm no,it won’t happen and you will be back to square one. Proceed,if you do,with extreme caution.
Liz Lemon
For the record I totally agree with Newbie, and mama. You seem way, way invested in this for a guy you’ve been dating for a few months. Even the part about having your son meet him. I didn’t introduce my teenage son to my bf until we’d been dating about 9 months, and were well out of the honeymoon period.
It seems to me like you are driving this situation at almost a frantic pace. 3 months in and you’re talking sex therapy, Cialis and testosterone injections. You sound intensely focused on “fixing” this guy with his “low confidence and self esteem”. But at the same time you have mentioned multiple times that he is not able to meet your needs for non-sexual intimacy & affection. You said:
“I guess what bothers me the most here isn’t just the physical problems and infrequency of intimacy, but the fact that he’s so focused on his own “discomfort” at times when I want him to meet my needs, even in alternative ways – it comes across sounding dismissive of how serious my needs for passion and intimacy with him are!”
“I just want that intimacy back that we DID have in the beginning, you know? And most of the time, he acts like even THAT is a chore or a burden now”Mama’s and Peggy’s points about love languages, and him finding simple affection to be a burden, are excellent. Re-read them.
Liz Lemon
And I agree with Newbie’s point that you sound like someone with a relatively high sex drive– you need to masturbate every other day– which is fine. But getting into a serious relationship with someone with no to low sex drive is about the biggest mistake you can make. He will never have a high (or probably not even average) sex drive. So you’re setting yourself up for unhappiness. This is why you don’t rush into relationships and get so serious right away. Generally speaking, meeting your kids and talking marriage before you’ve even hit 3 months together is not a good thing.
Lynne
OK – more good points being made from all the comments here… So, I’m not sure where “3” months came from – I never said that, I said it had been a “few” months (closer to 6 actually) – but even then, yes, I acknowledge that this has been a whirlwind romance. It actually happened much more quickly than either he or I intended for it to, to be honest! We have talked about this from the get-go, and we both pretty much fell hard and fast for each other very quickly. A mistake? Possibly… But it is what is now, and we’re both just trying to grow together from here. He was actually the first one to say “I love you,” and the first to admit how scared he was that he was falling for me… We’ve both been hurt in the past, and are trying everything to make this work out.
Here’s the thing: If he had NEVER shown passion, desire, or intimacy towards me, that would be one thing. But what happened was that, in the beginning, when we was really pursuing me, he would look at me longingly, kiss me all the time, couldn’t keep his tongue out of my mouth… and told me how much he wanted me, wanted to rip my clothes off, etc. I wouldn’t sleep with him until our relationship had moved a little further along – and it was right around the time we started to really get physically intimate that he confessed about the low T and the problems with ED, told me he’d made a dr.’s appt. to get treatment started, etc. I responded by letting him know it was okay, that I was thankful he’d told me, and that we would figure things out and work around it. He told me he was crazy about me, the desire was there, but the “equipment” just wasn’t fully functioning for now… Then, not long after that, all these other problems outside the relationship started piling on him – and his stress levels have been out the roof since then. I’m sure that has a lot to do with it – but even to the point of him not wanting to even make out anymore? Am I off base in wondering about that?
As for love languages – we both took the test, actually, and our results showed the same top 3 languages, just in a different order, lol! My top 3 were Physical Touch 1st (no surprise there), Quality Time 2nd, and Words of Affirmation 3rd. His were Words of Affirmation 1st, then Physical Touch 2nd and Quality Time 3rd. So… not sure what to make of that, either, but that did make me think we are more compatible that I would have guessed otherwise? Knowing that his primary language is Words of Affirmation, I’ve stepped up my efforts to love him in that way – telling him whenever I am proud of him for something, letting him know how important he is to me, how much I love him, etc.
Lynne
(I know there are a few typos in that past post – please disregard, lol. Wrote it in a hurry.)
Lynne
Peggy – I agree with your last points, too, and am struggling over whether I should try to GENTLY request a time frame – not a time, but time frame – for some “sexy time” when I see him tomorrow night, and again Saturday night. He will be off work tomorrow, should be well-rested when I see him, and is coming over to spend the night while my son is at his dad’s overnight. Saturday we have planned the a date night, and the same type of thing (him staying overnight). He has some digestive issues which often cause him to have pain in his abdomen and back after he eats… Would it be a bad idea to ask him if we can have some intimate time sometime BEFORE we eat dinner, to ensure that doesn’t interfere? I hate feeling like I’m walking a tightrope between asking to have fun & pleasure, versus making him feel uncomfortable or pressured. If I asked him for this, I would explain that I’ll let HIM initiate and we don’t have to do anything more than what he’s comfortable with, then leave it at that and see what happens… Thoughts?
Peggy
Hi Lynne-Hard to say really. I get exactly how this feels-it is not easy. I think you should trying showing,as in kissing him a little etc. when he is relaxed and indicate interest without pressure and back off if he does not follow through and reciprocate. I say this since he so far has not wanted to plan things out-which I still think is important if you ever want to get things going.
The thing is if you are always thinking of and “leading” with the sex thing,it won’t work. I will say it again-you will need to be incredibly patient and understanding and settle for a lot less than you would ideally like. You are younger than I am too so it may not be possible for you to compromise so much.
I would give this a timeline ( in your mind,not to him) to feel things are on track and that he really is trying and interested and things are better sexually for you both to some degree. If 6 months pass and things have not improved then I consider leaving or accepting things will not change because you are incompatible in that area.Liz Lemon
I would not expect or ask for sex both Friday and Saturday nights (if I understand correctly, you will see him both nights). Mentally take sex off the table for one of those nights. If you try to initiate sex on Friday and he is not receptive, just let it go for Saturday. You’ll just be setting yourself up for disappointment. Or if you do wind up having sex Friday, again don’t expect anything Saturday. He’s not gonna go from no sex to doing it two nights in a row. So eliminate that thought from your head. And, if he has digestive issues that might make him uncomfortable, I think it’s a good idea to try to initiate sex before he eats. You want him to be as comfortable as possible.
I think Peggy’s point about not always thinking of or “leading” with sex, is excellent. And accept that you’re going to have to be willing to settle for much, much less than you would like (i.e. my point about not expecting sex both weekend nights). The thing is, this is clearly a huge issue for you, and very important. I just hope it’s as important to him as it is to you, because you’re putting a ton of anxiety and energy into it.
It’s a shame he’s not willing to set a date to try for sex as Peggy suggested. Hopefully he changes his mind about that. Then you won’t have to feel like you’re pressuring him by asking. I don’t think sex will just happen spontaneously, given all his baggage. Spontaneous sex doesn’t always happen even when you’re not dealing with this kind of stuff. My boyfriend has no issues with ED, and we make sex dates (We’re both in our 40s with a kid each). With work, kids etc there are times we go out in the evening but don’t spend the night, or spend the night together but don’t have sex, so we make an effort to make sure we schedule a night alone to have sex at least once a week or so. So it’s a very common thing.
Lynne
Peggy and Liz – thank you for the advice, and I will definitely heed it. Peggy, you’re so right – it IS hard to deal with, constantly feeling like I’m walking on eggshells but at the same time trying to be proactive with this. I just talked to him on the phone a while ago, and he’s really not in a good place mentally right now – has had a rough week at work so far, struggling financially due to missed time from being sick and not getting paid for it… so I am not going to mention anything about a “sexy time” time frame for tomorrow night (which is Thurs. night where I’m at). I will see how responsive he is to light kissing, touching, etc., and just follow his lead, as frustrating as that might end up being… MAYBE, if things go well tomorrow night, we’ll skip Friday night and I’ll ask him about planning for some “sexy time” before we eat dinner Saturday night. I’m going to play it by ear and see how it goes.
I am more than willing to compromise – and honestly, I’m trying to also keep in mind that one day, we’ll be older and BOTH our sex drives will probably be pretty much gone, lol… When that time comes, I want someone like him as a partner to grow older with. We are SO incredibly compatible in most other ways, and this one thing is honestly the only hang-up we’ve had to deal with so far. He is trying, so I’m going to try my best to be more patient with the whole thing. I think the idea for having a timeline to see improvement (in my own mind) is a great idea, and I’ll think on that and see what I come up with. Thank you ladies for your input!
Newbie
I had the same feeling as liz lemon. Youre asking a guy who has a low sex drive to have sex on thursday and saturday? The only difference is you want it before dinner and leave him to initiating and to the extend he wants sex. Lets assume you guys want to make it, then you have zero patience. He did some stuff dealing with ed. Why dont you promise yourself NOT to ask him for anything sexual in a month and see how that goes
Lynne
Liz, regarding the idea of setting a date to try for sex: I am hoping that, as the testosterone treatments and Cialis really get into his system and start to work more, and we have more successful sexual encounters as a result, his confidence in the bedroom will build back up and he’ll be more willing to schedule sex like you mentioned. We both have kids, too (my son, 13 and his daughter, 17), full time jobs, and a slew of other things going on, so like you and your boyfriend, we really do need to plan ahead sometimes and not just count on things happening spontaneously.
Newbie
I missed your update in between btw
Liz Lemon
Oh, I meant Thursday, not Friday (got my days mixed up, thought today was Thurs instead of Weds). But still stand by my original point that it’s best not to expect sex to happen multiple nights. Take some of the pressure of yourself, and him.
How much time is needed for the Cialis and other treatments to kick in? If it takes a week or two, what about not trying anything at all for a short period (a couple weeks maybe?) Best case scenario, you do nothing at all for a couple weeks, the medicine kicks in, and when you eventually try he is able to perform, which will be wonderfully affirming for him. Newbie has a good point in that if he is actively working and trying to resolve the problem, it might help to just back off totally for a bit and let his treatments work.
And scheduling sex is definitely a reality for many (if not most) couples! With work, kids, family/social obligations- you have to make time for it. So he shouldn’t feel awkward about it.
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