Mismatched Libidos – Mine is High, His is Low

No you are really not trying hard to be patient at all. Peggy told you to be patient. Really try that. Getting off is just that, takes a minute and you can do it yourself

So you’re saying had sex Sunday, and yet were anxiously fretting about how to get him have sex Thursday and Saturday too? I know Newbie can sound harsh (lol) but she is pretty much always spot on. You really need to slow down. You are putting way too much pressure on this situation.

This is a guy with serious problems who told you he’s never had a high sex drive. Yet you’re planning ways to have sex with him 3 nights in one week? You shouldn’t even be expecting sex from him 3 nights a week. I’m not trying to be difficult, I just want you to understand. You’re being really intense about this.

Just to share a personal experience. At one point my boyfriend was stressed over things happening at work (you mentioned your boyfriend has some major stressors going on in his life right now). Plus during this time, he had minor surgery to resolve a health problem he’d been having. While this was going on, we didn’t have sex for over a month. Not because I didn’t want to, but because he was overwhelmed and had so much going on. I spent lots of time with him, slept over all the time, cuddled, kissed. But I didn’t expect sex, or pressure him. He just wasn’t in that headspace. And I was totally fine with it. Were there times during that period where I was horny and would have liked sex? Sure. Could I have pestered or pressured him? Sure. But that was the furthest thing from my mind. I respected his need to take a break so that we could eventually get back to a healthy, joyful sex life where he was totally in the mood. And we got there eventually.

I realize this is very different than your situation of dealing with ED, so I’m not trying to compare my situation with yours. I am sharing this story to try to help you adjust your expectations. It’s not just a matter of “not pestering” him. You have to truly be OK psychologically with not having your needs met while your boyfriend is working this out. That’s what Peggy and Newbie are trying to tell you. If you’re pretending to be OK with it while secretly agonizing over when he will be able to satisfy you sexually, he will pick up on that vibe. It’s not just a matter of waiting 6-10 days for his medicine to kick in. I don’t know the nature of his external stressful situation, but I’m sure that isn’t helping his sexual issues any.

This isn’t something that will be resolved overnight, or in the space of a week. Just be slow and patient and generous with him. If you had a great lovemaking session on Sunday, great! You should be thrilled with that and not stressing over when will be the next time it happens. Don’t expect sex every time you see him, or even every 2 times you see him. And as Peggy said, this may very well be something that you just can’t resolve to your satisfaction. From what you’ve written and expressed, I’m not sure he will ever be able to meet your sex drive. I don’t know. Hopefully things will get better, but I seriously doubt he’s gonna be a 3-night-a-week guy (and at his age too). So you will have to decide how well you’re able to live with it.

I have never read such long replies or posts on a thread on this forum before. Just pointing out that the energy in your posts is very evident of amount of energy you’re putting into a situation that can never truly change. Even if the meds work now, they may stop, they give him side effects that make him want to stop etc. This is a VERY easy answer in my opinion. You are NOT compatible. Hard stop.

I was married to a man for 20 years who I had to initiate sex constantly. It was demoralizing and awful and wreaked havoc on my self esteem. After being single now for 5 years I realize my libido is off the chain. I want sex nearly every day and that’s with eating well, exercising, way limiting my sugar and I typically only drinking wine. No amount of stressing, talking about this, therapies (in my opinion) is going to change this situation for the long term if the guy isn’t super motivated as you are. I also believe it is completely unrealistic to advise you to lower your expectations and concentrate on other things or masturbate. I did that. For YEARS. It was agony. You cannot change your biological and chemical makeup long term.

It is my opinion if you stay you will be perpetually disappointed and deeply unhappy.

“he still isn’t initiating anymore than before, despite the meds helping now.”

This may very well just be who he is. He told you he’s never been very interested in sex, even when he was younger. The meds might make him more physically able to perform sexually, but if he lacks the interest or desire on a mental/emotional/psychological level, it’s just not gonna happen.

“romantic, non-sexual physical intimacy like deep kisses, making out, etc… things that make me feel like he really does want me! These were things he DID in the beginning of our relationship, and I don’t understand why that part has nearly stopped.”

Men frequently do things in the beginning of a relationship to get women to fall for them. It’s not that they’re lying per se; they’re just extra attentive to giving us what we want, in order to “hook” us, so to speak. This is why guys tend to be extra attentive and romantic during the “honeymoon period”. Once they sense some security and stability in the relationship, they settle back into their real/normal selves. Your guy probably sensed that you craved and responded strongly to physical intimacy like kissing and making out, so he gave it to you. I suspect he was not nearly as into it as you were, given his circumstances, but he wanted to win you over. Now that he’s “got” you (so to speak), he’s reverting back to his normal level of desire….which is basically zero, I’m afraid. And drugs won’t change that.