lied about illness to break up – how to confront?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals lied about illness to break up – how to confront?

This topic contains 58 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  kara 1 week, 2 days ago.

Viewing 25 posts - 1 through 25 (of 59 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #895555 Reply

    kara

    I have been seeing someone for about 6 weeks however during this time we spent 5 days together on a trip. He seemed to want to move slowly so we didnt have sex this entire time just a few kisses. a couple days after the trip completely out of the blue he stopped responding to my texts so basically ghosted and I had no idea why. A few weeks later he texts me back essentially saying he has cancer and is breaking up with me because he doesnt want me to be in a relationship with someone that is sick and might not have a future. This is clearly a lie. what is the best thing to say to him to make him understand that its a crappy thing to lie about a serious illness to break up and to make him feel shameful about it?

    #895559 Reply

    KarinaDogLover

    Why waste your time trying to teach him a lesson if he shamelessly lies about something like that (if he is really lying)? He has no shame, don’t bother. Block him and move on. Don’t waste another second of your time.

    Out of curiosity, how do you think for sure he’s lying?

    #895562 Reply

    kara

    mostly a gut feeling but also, why did it take him 3 weeks to tell me if this is truly the reason? Also, i did respond with my condolences as a test. he didnt respond back. not even a thank you. this is not how a sick person acts. I mainly want to respond because I dont want him to remember me as some dumb girl that believed a lie this obvious. Like i keep picturing him sitting with his friends and laughing about it and the thought of that really grinds my gears if you know what i mean. Even if he doesnt respond to me calling him out at least i will know he knows that I am not as gullible as he clearly seems to think i am.

    #895593 Reply

    Lane

    Calling him out doesn’t change a cotton picking thing, He ended it, in a cowardly way, and it will only make you feel like a scorned woman that will only solidify his belief he made the right decision.

    Do not be that woman! Be the strong arse woman you are, dig deep, and say “THANK YOU” that he is not wasting any more your time!

    Your time is precious, and if some lame arse dude doesn’t give a hoot, you don’t give a hoot back! Be the I don’t give a hoot lady!

    #895620 Reply

    AngieBaby

    LOL. That’s pathetic. Be grateful he showed you right up front who he really is. Laugh about it and say, NEXT!

    #895622 Reply

    AngieBaby

    And actually Kara, no response will speak louder than any words you can say at this point. Just block him and be done. Get your ego out of this. If it’s a lie, that’s 100% on him. It’s not about you being gullible.

    Learn this now – you can only control yourself. You can’t control anyone else. You cannot make him feel anything and you’re wasting your energy if you think you can. You will be a lot happier when you don’t care what someone you barely know thinks of you.

    If this is a lie, think about what that says about him. Not someone you want to give one more nanosecond to.

    #895626 Reply

    Dana

    Karma is a b**ch and will respond for you in many, many ways towards him if he lied about having cancer. People will not think what he did is funny if he brags about it. You don’t have to do a thing to bring his behavior to light. Do you think someone who would lie about having cancer has only told one lie in his life and only to you? Nope. This type of person doesn’t care who he lies to or about what. He will do himself in. Why interfere when he will destroy himself?

    #895722 Reply

    tammy

    if you have already offered your condolences than thats that. as someone said. karma is a bitch. let his bad deeds teach him a lesson. u did your bit by offering your good wishes to wmone you thought is not well. end of this chapter. pls just delete his number and move on.

    #895827 Reply

    Gaia

    I’m not sure he is lying. I would say thank you and probably call him an idiot (depends on how long dating and how into him I was).

    How are people supposed to act when they are sick? I have 2 very, very close friends that both have different types of cancers. Both are very different individuals and responded to the news in different ways. One shut the world out and started pushing people away so they wouldn’t see her sick. Her husband with colon cancer embraced a love everybody attitude and a live life to the fullest mentality.

    I’m giving this guy the benefit of the doubt. If I’d been sick, back and forth to doctors, and then got diagnosed with cancer it might take me about 3 weeks to process and figure out what to tell the person I’m dating. I can’t even say he broke up with you as you were only together 6 weeks. If it was 6 months that’s different. But it was a month and a half!

    Also, just my opinion, but you show yourself to be a stronger woman when you don’t resort to petty ways to get someone to feel shame. You can’t control other peoples actions but you can control your responses to them.

    #895841 Reply

    kara

    thanks everyone for the feedback. I see where everyone is coming from but at the same time I struggle with the idea that someone that I REALLY liked and respected a lot didnt feel like I was worthy of something as minimal as an honest rejection. Out of principle I want him to know that I know. I know I cant control how he feels about it and he might not care or feel shame but at least he will know i know he lied and there is at least a tiny bit of satisfaction for me there. I know he lied because I had caught him in several lies during our brief time together. I let them slide because they were relatively small and i liked him that much but clearly he is prone to being deceitful. Hence where all of my pent up disappointment is coming from. SIGH

    #895852 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Kara, get on your white horse, leave the guy alone and find someone else. Also, next time you are not exclusive, lower your expectations and let them lead and no trips till someone is your boyfriend. You would have saved yourself a lot of over investment.

    Him knowing you know will not do anything except make you look over invested and shrill. Those are not bad things, but why give him the satisfaction. Your value has nothing to do with him or his validation. Until you know that, dating will be difficult.

    #895867 Reply

    mama

    Kara you are doing this all based on emotion. You say you “REALLY liked and respected” him but 3 sentences later you say you caught him in several lies while you were together.

    Respectfully, it’s interesting why you even asked for opinions if you aren’t going to consider other choices.

    You asked what the best thing to say to make him feel bad about something… and we’ve all told you the best thing FOR YOU is to move on.

    #895875 Reply

    kara

    mama,

    if you re-read my message you will see that my question wasn’t whether or not to confront him, my question was actually HOW to confront him meaning what are the best things to say to make my point. I wish nothing more then to just stop caring or thinking about this every waking minute but truth be told its been almost 2 weeks since i gave my condolences without even a thank you in response and as time passes i feel worse about it not better. i dont know how/if i will feel better about it without saying my piece out of principle more then anything.

    #895924 Reply

    mama

    I did understand your question — you literally said (and I repeated it) — you want to know what to say to him to make him realize how he has done this horrible thing (and yes, if it’s true then he’s pretty awful).You’re asking the wrong question and the folks here were trying to point that out.

    Tallspicy elaborated why moving on is better option but you don’t seem to be listening. You don’t seem to care that you will come across like you can’t get over him. None of your message will have the effect you think it will. That’s why everyone is telling you to move on.

    Good luck to you.

    #896104 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    There is nothing you can say to make him realize anything. That’s what people are trying to tell you. Anything you say to him at this point will come off as confrontational and petty and shrill (like Tallspicy said), and make you look like the smaller person. Smaller than him, even, and he lied about having cancer. Do you really want to go lower than that?

    If it’s still burning you up 2 weeks after the fact, take that as a sign that you need to work on yourself. Give that energy to yourself, not to him.

    #896123 Reply

    Lane

    Kara, this man owes you nothing, nada, zero, zilch.

    Every man is ALLOWED to freely chose WHO they want to be in a relationship with. He did nothing wrong, he just couldn’t fall in love the way he needs to in order to progress it.
    Whether he gave a lame excuse or not means diddly because the end result would have been the same if he had simply said “I don’t see a future with you, and no longer wish to date you.”

    Dating is VOLUNTARY. If you voluntarily engage in dating, then you must accept ALL the risks associated with it, which includes a good amount of men & women who lie about the real reason they no longer want to date someone. Trust me, I’ve lied far more times than tell the truth because I don’t like hurting people, so using the softest lie is better than telling someone “I don’t like this, that, or the other about you.” Like they say, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say it”…this applies to dating as well.

    If you take a voluntary hobby such as dating this hard, its probably best you don’t engage in it.

    #896137 Reply

    kara

    lane,

    i respectfully disagree with a lot of what you said. Just because you chose to engage in something that is voluntary doesnt mean that there arent certain social responsibilities that you DO owe another person even if they are a stranger. for ex. if someone has a date set up tonight and decide they no longer want to attend, a half decent person would let the other person know and dont just stand them up. the line “I don’t see a future with you, and no longer wish to date you.” is perfect and something that is 100% acceptable because it lets the other person know exactly what happened without going into too much uncomfortable detail and is much less upsetting then To write a whole novel about how he had every intention of continuing our relationship and that the only thing stopping him is this colong/gastric cancer is cruel and uncalled for. While we were seeing each other he did tell me he had stomach issues, then he deletes his dating profile, and then liked something on social media related to cancer all to support his lie to me is a malicious and intentional way of trying to hurt me more then necessary.

    #896138 Reply

    kara

    also, not to get on a soapbox but need to get this off my chest. I am truly surprised how many people are willing to bottle up what they are feeling without expressing themselves. I think this is why there are so many people these days that commit suicide, turn to drugs and alcohol, and even have violent outbursts or murder people because time and time again instead of letting out how they feel they allow these things to fester over and over again until they explode in non healthy ways. not sure if i am misunderstood but i am not confronting him in a negative way. i dont plan to curse or criticize or get a response or anything like that. i just plan to let the poison out and onto him so that its not sitting bottled up in my gut. I personally encourage more people should let out how they feel. i think even if it helps the healing process by 1% its worth it and whats there to lose? sorry had to vent.

    #896144 Reply

    Gaia

    Why are you insistent that he is lying? It sounds like he had issues, then got diagnosed, now is dealing with the follow through. And it makes perfect sense that he wouldn’t want to drag a basic stranger into the treatment process to see him at his weakest when he’d still be in the mindset of impressing you.

    Express yourself… write about your feelings, talk to a girlfriend, create art, talk to a therapist etc. There is no need to bottle up your emotions but there is a much healthier way of expressing them.

    Since your not going to listen though-
    Find him when he has a good moment. Stalk him until you find him at a place he frequents. Confront him angrily, emotionally, and look extremely crazy while giving him a piece of your mind. Throw a drink in his face. Do it like the movies. (*said tongue in cheek, please don’t do this)

    But don’t be surprised when you get labeled as the bat sh*t crazy woman who he only went out with a few times and then couldn’t understand why he broke it off when he was dealing with cancer. You have no proof to be this angry and everything you’ve said in your latest posts seems to confirm the man may actually be processing that he has cancer and is telling the truth.

    #896150 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    It’s not about bottling up your feelings. Like Gaia said, there are healthy, constructive ways to process feelings. What I don’t understand is why you have such rage against this guy that it’s “poisoning” you (to use your word) and it’s “festering” inside you (again, your word). That’s the larger issue I see here. This is a guy you dated for 6 weeks and didn’t even have sex with, just kissed a few times, right? It’s not like he’s a long term boyfriend who you were deeply involved with.

    He may or may not have cancer. I don’t know why you think he’s lying, what if he’s not? How will you look then, when you confront him and it turns out he’s telling the truth?

    But my point is, even if he is lying- a man has the right to end things with you. If he does it in a crappy way, that sucks, but you should not be so emotionally delicate that it poisons you and eats you up inside. And you’re interpreting his likes on social media and deleting his dating profile as a “malicious and intentional way of trying to hurt you more than necessary”, I don’t see how that hurts you at all? Are you really that sensitive? If so then maybe you should not be dating.

    More often than not, we date people and it goes nowhere. That’s part of dating. So this guy ended it with you, in perhaps a not so nice way (assuming he was lying, but maybe he was not), but that’s life.

    #896156 Reply

    AngieBaby

    There is a much deeper issue going on with you than this guy breaking up with you, obviously, based on your reaction.

    A better solution is to not get your nightie in such a knot over what someone else does that is not about you.

    Your reaction is over the top. You need to examine why you’re so upset after just 6 weeks and a few dates with him and why you need so badly to prove to him you’re not gullible, not have him laughing at you behind your back, get back at him, etc.

    I’m in a leadership class and we recently studied venting. Much of the research shows venting is NOT HELPFUL. Google it. Here’s part of an article in Psychology Today:

    “As sensible as venting at first appears, a new study published in the European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology suggests that people aren’t all that much like potatoes after all. Verbalizing your anger, this research shows, doesn’t dissipate it. Instead, complaining just makes us feel worse.

    To figure out just how venting really affects professionals, the research team behind the new research asked 112 employees in a variety of industries to keep detailed diaries of their workdays, recording negative events that happened and rating their severity, as well as writing down their moods, how much they complained, and whether they’d exaggerated the seriousness of any negative incidents.

    A clear pattern emerged — the more a person vented, the worse they felt their days had gone. Complaining also took a toll on people’s mood, and not just during the day when they engaged in it.
    “They not only reported lower momentary mood and less satisfaction and pride with the work they’d been doing that same day, but they also tended to experience lower mood the next morning, measured in a separate diary entry, and lower pride in next-day accomplishments,” reports the British Psychological Society Research Digest blog write-up of the results.”

    #896163 Reply

    Gaia

    Liz- You made the point I was trying too. I really think the OP needs to do some inner reflection and find out where her insecurities are coming from. I seriously doubt this guy is doing things with the sole intention of “let’s make this woman I’ve dated a handful of times feel miserable.” Most men are pretty simple and it really doesn’t seem like this guy had malicious intent. Even in the posts/likes described that doesn’t scream mean. In fact, I think it lends credence to he may actually have cancer. And deleting the dating profile means he doesn’t want to date anyone not just her. Just my opinion though.

    Angiebaby- awesome excerpt! I remember when I was in a terrible mindset/complaining/negative attitude after my ex and I separated many years ago. Every day it seemed to get worse. Then one day I decided to change the whole mindset to positive and uplifting. Anytime I’d think of complaining I’d seek out the good instead. It’s taken years but now on days where I need to vent/complain it doesn’t take such a toll because I can change the narrative. The OP needs to change the narrative in her head.

    #896166 Reply

    Lane

    Kara, you appear to be young, and don’t have a clue how the ‘real world’ works.

    There is no such rule, or law regarding “social responsibilities.” Each person gets to decide how they want to live, act, or behave when dealing with society, as long as they aren’t breaking the law (codes, statues, etc). If you think the way you want to deal with it will snap him to attention, and follow ‘your rules’ then you will be sorely let down when he blows you off or gets even meaner because you want to fight like a bear. We older ladies are trying to get you off the ledge, back you up, and try to keep you from engaging with an a-hole.

    In a nutshell, he doesn’t OWE you anything. He spent some time with you, on a purely voluntary basis, as you did him; whereas either one of you are allowed to stop at any time, for any reason, with or without notice. Unfortunately there are a lot of these guys out there, so you need to get smarter on judging a man’s character before you jump head first into more shallow pools, and thicker skin if you want to survive the dating world.

    I suggest reading Dr. Phil’s “Life Code, New Rules for the Real World” as it may help guide you, not only in dating but life as well. Good luck.

    #896188 Reply

    kara

    for anyone that thinks he might be truthful let me try to dispel that as concisely as possible. this man went out of his way to tell me he wants to take his time physically to build emotionally, spent approximately 7k on this trip, got me gifts, and aggressively made plans for future outings and travel so needless to say, when he ghosted me it threw me for a loop. i KNOW this is a petty move on my end BUT it got some of the answers i wanted to some degree. (before i got his cancer text) i used my google number to text him pretending to be a girl off the dating site trying to reconnect with him. he fell for it and started communicating with her i.e. me obviously and no mention of any illness. there are a lot of details there that i can go into with this bit i did but the bottom line is, if he truly had cancer he wouldnt be talking to another stranger and making plans with them. he even ultimately made a date with “her” and invited her to go on a trip he booked to puerto rico this month!! during this back and forth was when i received the cancer text. of course i ended up getting him stood up which does bring me some satisfaction BUT at the end of the day he clearly does not have cancer and hopefully between my personal experience with him coupled with the exchanged i had pretending to be another girl, some of you can hopefully see why this is a deeper issue then it might look on paper. i do appreciate everyone’s feedback even tho i might not agree with it but thank you anyway. i enjoy hearing the perspective of others.

    #896203 Reply

    Maddie

    Whoaaaa, he spent 7 thousand dollars on you to go on a trip after knowing you a few weeks, and you’re afraid you look like the gullible one??? That’s totally crazy of him! He sounds like an unstable love bomber. Look up love bombing and avoid it like the plague in the future. Most men who do it burn bright and intensely and soon can’t follow through, leaving trash in their wake. But because it’s their issues that lead them to do it, I assure you they don’t think the same way you do and therefore don’t care about being called out. And that’s good that you cannot identify with his bad behavior, it means you’re not a total jerk.

    Hell, just take your trip memories and presents and chalk this one up as a win. You went on a great vacation, got gifts, didn’t pay, didn’t sleep with him, and got rid of a pathological liar who could never be a good partner.

    In terms of the venting side conversation, I agree with the other posters. Venting as a primary way to cope with stress doesn’t help because it’s a way to unload your emotions elsewhere instead of processing them. Bottling up emotions or getting defensive about having them instead of accepting them and processing them is bad. You said yourself, “i just plan to let the poison out and onto him.” Closure only comes from inside you. You can’t change him as much as he can’t change you, because no one changes unless they want to do it themselves already. I used to want to make sure everything was on a fair playing field and tell guys off for being jerks, and it never once changed anything nor made me feel better. I was stuck not fully processing emotions when I did this, and respond to you because I do not wish that for others.

Viewing 25 posts - 1 through 25 (of 59 total)
Reply To: lied about illness to break up – how to confront?
Your information:





<blockquote> <code> <pre> <em> <strong> <ul> <ol start=""> <li>