lied about illness to break up – how to confront?


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  • #897311 Reply
    Connie

    Kara,
    I’ve been thinking about writing that I hope you reread the thread with a new outlook.

    I’ve been in your shoes where something that seemed like it had so much potential just up and vanished. I got told the same things – he’s not interested, forget about him and move on. Those words felt like an attack on me. They weren’t but I felt so bad at the time I took them that way.
    I got bent out of shape thinking no one understood. It felt like I was being told I didn’t have what it takes. That’s not what the message was. In fact, it was the opposite.

    “He’s not interested” does not mean “You’re not likeable”

    “Forget about him” does not mean “You don’t have what it takes”

    “Move on” does not mean “You failed”

    What these words do mean is your time is precious. Don’t waste it on anyone who isn’t willing to match the effort and intent you give.

    Maybe you already know this. It just comes across like you are trying to prove something to yourself and the proof is this guy liking you. Don’t look to him to validate you. From his behavior he isn’t qualified to validate parking 😂
    You don’t need his validation. Look inside for your worth, not outside from other people.

    I hope this helps puts all the advice in a new light.

    #897380 Reply
    tammy

    connie thanx for trying so hard to make her understand. can feel your frustration and your efforts to make her see things. :-) i was in her place many years back. i wish i had a connie too and others too, to explain things. a hug for you.

    #897411 Reply
    Sophia

    Connie!
    Omg what you wrote was SPOT ON!
    When I read your post and how you reframed it, I felt like I was struck by lightening. I immediately reread it again. And then I took a screen grab of it to send to my girlfriends.
    From now on I’m going to reframe any bread crumbing/crappy relationships that come my way, so I can turn around and go in the opposite direction!!
    😂
    I had to write and thank you for that pearl of wisdom.

    Kara, I hope you see the stark reality in Connie’s example. You’re hurting. I know. In time it’ll get better.

    I did want to tell you I thought pretending to be another girl on a dating app was b!tchin’ genius actually! Maybe he got cancer because he had a new (phantom) chick to meet.

    Doesn’t matter. Anyway you look it, YOU’RE the catch.

    #897449 Reply
    kara

    thank you to all the ladies that commented esp connie who went above and beyond! i do want to say just 1 last thing about why i think this situation is a bit more intense then the standard dating scenario. ever since i was a teenager, i have had an infatuation with the ultra rich i.e. multi millionaires that have more $ then they can spend in a lifetime and never have to look at price tags. growing up in a middle class environment i only saw or heard of these people from a distance. i literally consider these people godlike. he specifically wasn’t a love bomber or charismatic like some suggested. i found him to be awkward and anxious more then anything BUT he was one of them. and the feeling of being in his presence 1-1 was something i truly cant articulate into words. we also went to the hamptons where they were everywhere and looked at me as one of them thanks to him. so losing that and knowing that its something that is irreplaceable is why this hit me so hard. also, what hit me hard was him taking his time to come up with the type of lie he did makes me feel like he thought i was inferior/basic because come on, only a basic and inferior person would actually just take it at face value and without investigating. so ultimately the insulting rejection from him feels completely different then a rejection from just a run of the mill guy. hope this explains better where i am coming from with some of my internal churning

    #897465 Reply
    tammy

    ok got that. atlst now we know your not head over heels over an A****le lol. can read your disappointment but what can you do if he has chosen to break off all contact with you? you cant force him to be your friend can you? by confronting him i guess i now see it as a way for you to vent your frustration. but that’s not going to help you, is it?

    #897466 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    That’s very insightful, thank you for sharing that. You are clearly an articulate and thoughtful person….can’t you see that it’s your own insecurities driving your behavior here, and nothing to do with him per se? If anything this insight you have on your own personal baggage around wealth should inspire you to seek out a solution for your own insecurity. Whether it be therapy, self help books, whatever. I think you can understand that confronting this guy will not accomplish anything. And your desire to confront him is really not about him. The real issue here is you and your own hang-ups (we all have hang-ups!). For whatever reason you feel that wealthy people are “godlike” and that you are somehow inferior for not being rich. But money and material things do not give people their value! I think you should put your energy into resolving that issue in your head, rather than giving any more energy to him.

    #897470 Reply
    AnonymousGirl

    I thought something was very wrong here when the OP all of a sudden reversed course and said she was desperate to keep him in her life somehow, and I wondered if it was about money since he took her on an expensive holiday.

    it’s time to look at this from the other side.

    People with a lot of money can smell when someone is only interested in them because of their money. I think this guy knew what the OP was about and that’s why the elaborate story to get rid of her, permanently.

    I come from a family that is quite well off, we have a well-known business that’s been in the family for years, and I can certainly sense when someone is interested in me for my name or my family’s wealth. And I get the hell away, fast. Although I’ve never faked having cancer, LOL, I’ve had people who were persistent who I had to cut off pretty firmly. My last name is not the family name, so it’s a dead giveaway when they find out after they meet me who my mother is and they treat me differently. Or suddenly want a donation or want to sell me something.

    OP, let me tell you from experience – having what others consider a lot of money does not equal a golden, happy life. My family and I have problems and struggles just like everyone else. I had a brother who suffered terribly from depression and committed suicide. Please stop idolizing rich people and thinking they are somehow better than you. You’ve made money into God. You will never be happy if you keep believing life is better and people are better when there’s what you think is a lot of money around.

    I mainly read this site, I very rarely post and I don’t like to tell my family story but I wanted to say something to try to get you to stop pursuing this man and his money. You’re wasting your time and you’re wasting your life with your belief system.

    #897700 Reply
    tammy

    @ anonymous girl. i agree with you. there was this guy i met 10 years back. sparks flew like crazy. he came from a very rich family and he was always on page 3 of the local papers. he loved being in the limelight and going for all kinds of in parties. imp events. not just for networking but also bec he enjoyed. we never really happened bec of the difference in our lifestyle. but more importantly, bec i just didn’t see myself living his kind of life. but there was a genuine spark and affection. that’s why we are still in touch. not like everyday friends, but we do connect with each other from time to time.

    in kara your case. you don’t even like the man. but u wanted him around bec hes successful and comes from a rich family. as she said, they deal with people all their lives who want to be with them only bec of their status and wealth. they can easily identify opportunists. maybe he saw that and hence made up some excuse to walk away.

    #897735 Reply
    kara

    there must have been a misunderstanding somewhere, but i never said i didnt like him. i actually was genuinely attracted to him and although he was awkward and anxious i found those traits endearing since i have the same traits myself. i would have wanted to continue our relationship even if he was a regular guy its just his status certainly up’d it a notch. i loathe freeloaders and i am the last person to be one. i wanted to be around him out of admiration for his accomplishments and just learn more about his habits and things like that NOT for any kind of personal gain. out of all the reasons he may have rejected me this just cant be one of them because its simply not true and i went out of my way to always offer to help him with work issues while we were away, offer to pay, etc because i didnt want to come off entitled. also to anon girl point about having to lie to cut of someone that is persistently bothering a person, yes, i do agree in that case a lie might be in order to stop the contact. whats hurtful to me is that he didnt hear a peep from me in any way shape or form in 2-3 weeks so lying so severely was completely uncalled for. he knew rejecting me would hurt because i liked him. then to tell someone he knows likes him that he is sick would make me even more upset. like why go to that length to upset someone that did nothing bad to him. if it wasnt for that stunt that i pulled as fake me i may have believed the cancer diagnosis. that’s why im so so riled.

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