Just a second opinion about online dating.

This is what I will say about your situation. Knee-jerk reaction first -he’s just not that into you. (But hear me out until the end). If y’all talked on the phone and it went well, and if he liked what he saw in your pictures on the app, he should have set a time for a date when that option became available. But MOST important you mentioned your gut tells you he might be one of those flakety flakes you’ve had experience with in the past. I believe in women cultivating their listening ear to their gut because it almost never leads them wrong. But weeding out anxiety from past traumas is part of that process and can complicate the situation…

But my advice to you now is – if you like this guy – text him back very easy breezy and if he prolongs the convo say something to the affect of “Its been so great catching up! Let me know if you ever wanna meet up IRL!” Then don’t reply unless he asks you real questions such as ‘what’s your schedule’ etc. Simply do not reply to anything except real date inquiries.

The reason I say take a chance is – men can be super stupid, think they want one thing, meet another woman who turns their head, was easier sexually or something, then blow off a good thing. Or get overwhelmed with life and just peace out or WHATEVER. And although I think it’s good to keep in mind that men normatively go after what they want – I also think when a woman is living a healthy, authentic life, and in dating specifically – they should not operate from a place of fear or pride. There is nothing wrong with you communicating to him or reminding him you are interested but also setting BOUNDARIES and consequences. By responding the way I advised the boundary is – ya I like you, but am only interested in dudes who really wanna meet up. The consequences if he remains flakey or exhibits any further FUTURE flakey behavior, after you communicate your boundaries, is he doesn’t get anymore replies to his texts.

Thanks T from NY

I actually told him I wasn’t interested in him before your replied to this. I just used my gut instinct with this.

T from NY

I kind of feel bad saying I’m actually with someone else because I kind of had a what if moment where maybe he had other priorities he needed to deal with (maybe a death in the family) that he didn’t want to share with me, then he thought he’d reply back once his priorities have been dealt with. But then maybe I sound like I’m making excuses for him.

You are making excuses for him. I understand you’re new to online dating, and it’s easy to build up people/situations in our heads with online dating. With experience I think you’ll get more wisdom. I even think a healthy dose of cynicism is needed to successfully online date– not excessive cynicism, but you do need to keep things real.

This guy stopped speaking to you in June and all of a sudden resurfaced in November as if nothing was wrong. He didn’t even offer an excuse or explanation as to where he’d been for 5 months. Chances are he was talking to other women at the same time he was talking to you, and I suspect he dated someone over the summer, and that relationship probably ended so he’s back. I highly doubt he had other priorities that kept him from communicating with you for 5 months. If he were interested in meeting and dating you, he would have done it. It’s really very simple.

I’ve been with my bf for 2.5+ years and we met online. Two weeks after our first date, his mom was scheduled for serious (possibly life threatening) surgery, and he was the family member in charge of taking her to the surgery and caring for her afterwards. He was also working a really stressful job (50-60 hours/week). Plus he has joint custody of his child, so he had his parenting responsibilities to take care of. He still found time to date me, court me, and make me feel special. He did it *because he wanted to*. Because it was a priority. If a guy makes you a priority, there is very, very little in this world that will keep him from pursuing you.

So please don’t torture yourself with “maybe it would have worked out if I had just said…” This is not on you. It’s on him. He chose to stop communicating with you for 5 months. We don’t know the reason (although as I said, I suspect he was dating someone else), but the reason doesn’t really matter, ultimately. You were not a priority. Do you really think that if he were strongly interested in you, and there was a death in the family or some pressing personal issue, he would not have let you know? Of course he would have, because he would not want to lose you.

Your gut instinct was right. You did the right thing by telling this guy you are not interested. Because he is not really interested in you. A guy who is interested will not leave you in radio silence for 5 months. You deserve a guy who makes you a priority! So don’t feel bad or wonder about “maybes”. This guy was not the one for you.