One foot in – one foot out?

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  • #943789 Reply

    Preface: Boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years, moved in after 5 months. I’m 33, he’s 32. We both have anxious attachment styles, polar opposites but totally the same in other ways. We’ve had a lot of ups and a lot of downs but there is definitely a lot of love here

    Fast forward to yesterday: I’m looking at getting a new car this year, and it would benefit me greatly to do so as i want to upgrade to an SUV from a sports car. I, at this stage in my life, want to start planning for my future etc etc.

    I mentioned to him that while i’m making this change, i want to make sure it fits our future lifestyle as well (we have 2 big dogs, and if i have a baby this would be great) and he proceeded to tell me that i need to make this decision for me – he loves and appreciates that i want to think of us while i make this decision, but ultimately it should just be for me INCASE something happens in the future and i’m stuck with a car that i bought for us instead of myself

    While i appreciate him ‘looking out for me’ as he says, i cant help but feel extremely hurt here. I absolutely voiced this to him. I said you’re thinking of us breaking up? He said he’s just a logical person, he thinks from logic and not from emotion. So logically he wants to make sure i’m taken care of.

    I did tell him that by now, after two years and living together for majority of that time, that he should know where he wants our relationship to go. He should have some mental plan in place, and this one foot in one foot out mentality is extremely hurtful

    He responded with “Dont you understand that I AM looking out for you, and thinking about you, I’m not sitting here trying to swindle you into a car that would be good for our life, and then we break up and you’re left with something you didn’t want”

    He told me he wants to be with me, he wants to have a life with me, he’s just a logical guy and “50% of relationships fail, i’m a realist”

    I told him I’m tired of him thinking this way, that he should be giving me reassurance and not leaving me hanging with this one in one out mentality. He said he’s never seen a relationship last, he never grew up with parents who stuck it out (as my parents are still together) and any of his past relationships have failed

    I said you’re comparing your past to us – that was them this is us

    I understand his mentality, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt me

    Should this be a serious serious red flag for me? I know he loves me, he shows me he does, and i do believe he wants to be together and that’s where we’re headed BUT – him not being 100% in (he says we’re just wired differently when it comes to this subject) should be something i need to reconsider? He’s had this type of logical mentality about basically everything not just us, so i just wonder what y’alls opinions are about this

    #943790 Reply

    If you’re looking to get married, this isn’t the guy…

    You’ve been together for 2 years, you know he’s not going to change, right?

    #943791 Reply

    If it is marriage you want, I suggest ending it. Never live with someone without a ring on your finger or a very clear timeliness. If you are in your 30s, if marriage has not been discussed, it is not going to. But honestly, this is on you for not getting clarity before you got a lease. I suggest you be very clear about what you want and the timeline. If he just keeps on keeping on, you know he is enjoying you, but not on same page.

    #943794 Reply

    He said he’s never seen a relationship last, he never grew up with parents who stuck it out (as my parents are still together) and any of his past relationships have failed.
    definitely not a marriage material this guy, with this attitude he should be single really

    #943795 Reply

    Wow, that’s a huge red flag that he doesn’t want the same things you do.

    #943796 Reply

    The two years together and still one foot in one foot out is the red flag, as other posters have already commented. But I don’t think you’re both anxious attachers. It sounds like you’re anxious and he’s fearful avoidant. So that may help you understand the dynamic you’re dealing with together a little better, why he says you’re wired differently, and why in some ways you’re polar opposites but the same in other ways (fearful avoidant shares some anxious attachment traits).

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