Is Wanting Conviction So Bad?


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This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  M.O 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #928781 Reply

    M.O

    Hi there.
    I don’t know maybe I’m missing something when it comes to men and dating in general. I believe I’m a well rounded woman. Healthy relationship with myself, steady career- I’ll admit that I do have a tendency to prioritise my career more than anything else, (even when dating) but that’s coz I feel I haven’t met anyone who’s made me feel like postponing or cancelling an important meeting would be worth my while.
    I’ve been openly dating for about a year now and I’m finding that I’m attracting a lot of guys who just wanna play it safe. My gut will tell me the man is into me, in most cases their actions too but somehow it’s as if they expect me to take the lead. With my past 2 serious relationships, I mainly steered the ship. Sure it’s an alright position to assume in a relationship but sometimes you just want the person you’re with to also make the same initiatives, to have the same conviction. For example, I attract guys who don’t mind going away on a romantic weekend but 8/10 times I have to be the one who 1) initiates it and 2) pretty much plans it. Sure they pay for it and they’ll be a few sweet gestures during our time there but it stings to know that those moments are experienced mostly because I had to do almost all the work. The guy I’m dating now has worked at my firm, so he fortunately knows how hectic my schedule can be. He’ll text to ask “What’s your evening/day like?”
    And the honest answer is usually along the lines of “Busy, but I’m open to plans.” Then he’ll be like “Ok let me know”
    And that for me just puts me off. It reminds me of my 2 previous relationships where I was the one making the reservations, I was the one doing all the planning and it makes me feel like I’m not being wooed. Is “Think you’ll be done by 7? I’d like to take you to xxx” too much to ask for?? Or “please keep dates xyz open. There’s this really cool show coming to town and I’d like for us to go see it.”
    I haven’t been attracting that and I’m now not sure if maybe the way I present myself is the problem??

    #928800 Reply

    Lane

    Its hard to say if its you, or how men are being raised today? There are too many men not being raised with male role models, and since women have become the dominant parent who is taking charge of everything, I believe it could be creating a lot of confusion for men, in general.

    How many of the men have been raised by fathers? That would be interesting to know as it may answer your question, or it might not lol.

    I don’t believe its your personality. I am very “alpha” yet majority of men I date come up with the plans, consistently—those who cannot don’t garner any of my attention haha.

    #928802 Reply

    mama

    I suggest things to my boyfriend and he plans the details/times and pays. (He doesn’t come up with ideas on his own, I give him suggestions then let him follow up on his own. He usually does about 80% of the time, which is acceptable for me.) But we did have to have a conversation in the beginning about these things I like to do and that it would be nice for him to plan them once in a while. And after doing it a few times, he sees how happy it makes me and now he does it often. But he’s not like every guy — the’s actually the first man who’s done it consistently.

    Maybe it is your vibe — are you are always in charge or feel like you need to be? Who knows. Try dating someone completely different from who you’d usually go for and see if switching it up gets different results.

    Be careful what you wish for though. I’ve seen two “alphas” in relationships and it’s a battle of wills, usually.

    #928799 Reply

    AngieBaby

    You’re playing the alpha female so you are attracting beta males. You’re taking your career habits into your personal life. Stop doing that. What got you ahead there doesn’t work in a romantic relationship. Time to get more in touch with your feminine side. That means you are receptive. You don’t chase them and plan things, you let them do it. And if they don’t you don’t pick up the oars and start rowing the boat for them.

    Don’t call or text, don’t plan dates, don’t plan and pay for weekends away – none of that. Just stop. There are lots of online dating coaches you can Google to get specific advice. Matthew Hussey is a good one.

    #928818 Reply

    M.O

    Thank you so much for all the advice. It’s really eye opening.
    I believe I am in touch with my feminine side. I’m as girly as it can get lol, just a toughish one. So what I do lately is I block them. Not because I want them to find ways to reach out to me in order to satisfy my sense of them making effort. I just made a decision with myself that if they’re not meeting me where I’d like to be met, we probably shouldn’t be in each other’s lives. So that’s now left me wondering if that is healthy. When I block, it’s definitely with no hard feelings or any malice. It’s just me saying to them and to myself “It isn’t working so let’s go our separate ways.” And it’ll never happen just randomly. I’ll always mention how I’d like for something to be done and if I feel like I’m not being heard, that’s when I block. Coz it says to me they didn’t care to digest my feelings. So now I’m just caught between: Wait till I meet someone who things will just naturally be in sync. Who I won’t need to teach EVERY LITTLE THING about how I’d like to be treated. Who just by listening and observing will 8/10 times know what to do OR do I have dating issues that I need to seek professional help with.

    #928819 Reply

    M.O

    Also just to mention I block because there’s a tendency of men not getting it when I break up with them. They will literally reach out a month or 2 later asking how I am or just really disturbing my peace and I quite frankly don’t need that. If I shut a door, I’m hoping for it to remain shut. So my blocking is really in the hopes that a clear message is sent.

    #928820 Reply

    Ewa

    my advice would be , next time someone says ok let me know just say, have a look at places we could go to as I am busy.
    I had this problem before where guys were like I can come to your city but you need to find a place to go , then I had guys coming from different countries and they didn’t have to ask where to go , they used google to find places.
    If you find that it frustrates you then as soon as someone says ok let me know just delete their number and eventually you will find someone who will take the lead.
    But I will also say you need to tell me I will be free at 7 etc if someone says I am busy that could be taken as low interest , it is hard to plan something when all you get is I am busy.

    #928822 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Feminine energy has nothing to do with being “girly”. It’s about not constantly trying to control the outcome. It’s being receptive to the guy’s attention. It’s stepping back and letting the guy step up– not constantly initiating and planning everything. I am not stereotypically girly (I don’t wear makeup, I don’t wear heels or super feminine clothing). But I have a feminine energy with my bf, he’s even commented on it.

    Angiebaby and mama are right, it sounds like you’re attracting passive guys because you “steer the ship”. And you don’t even realize it.

    It also sounds like you may need to work on your communication skills. Men are not mind readers. If a guy asks you what you’re doing this evening and you say “Busy, but open to plans”– he’s going to hear “busy”. A decent, respectful guy is not gonna insist on a date when you’ve just told him you’re busy! Just tell the guy when you’re available rather than emphasizing how busy you are. You also “mention how I’d like things to be done, but feel I’m not heard “– again, are you communicating clearly? You can’t just mention things in passing and hope the guy takes the hint. Clear, direct communication is important in relationships.

    There’s a lot of good dating advice on this website, I suggest checking out some of the articles.

    #928823 Reply

    Tallspicy

    There is a far cry from letting the man lead to making a man do every darn thing. If you are secure attachment, you are not so invested in being pissed off enough to block or finding that suggesting places means he is not leading. You end relationships with care and kindness… first by asking for what you want and second by ending things with a I dont think this will work, wishing you the best.

    I used to feel that way, but now, as long as they are the ones initiating contact and suggesting the get togethers, I dont mind suggesting ideas of what to do … then we always do more fun things because I am better tapped into it.

    Also, I am much better at verbalizing my needs, I never assume they just know. And I end interactions like an adult, which is to say I am not interested.

    #928833 Reply

    M.O

    Again thank you. Much of what you’ve all said makes sense. I guess maybe 1 or 2 sessions with a dating coach won’t hurt. I just know I’m tired of feeling like I do all the work in my relationships. At one point I even thought maybe I’m just meant to be single- which would also be ok if I actually didn’t encounter guys I like from time to time. Lol. I’ll use the remainder of the year to work on me and getting in touch with my femininity. Thank you:)

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