Is it wrong not to tell him I'm pregnant?


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Is it wrong not to tell him I'm pregnant?

This topic contains 81 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  redcurleysue 3 weeks, 4 days ago.

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  • #495516

    Melania

    Hi ladies.
    For my surprise, I got pregnant.
    I am not keeping it (it is legal to abort in my country).
    Only my two best friends know.
    Is it wrong that I’m going to keep this for myself and not letting my bf know?

    My decision is taken, but I just want some outsiders opinion. Thank you very much.

    #495527

    Miss_Aspiring

    If it’s his child, I think he deserves to know. Why do you want to abort? I’m not judging, just asking why you are so positive about this decision.

    #495530

    Melania

    Well it’s only one month of pregnancy.
    As for why, we are simply not ready yet, only one year and a half together, not living together yet and I just got a full time job in a new country I just moved in.it’s not a planned or wanted child now as we discussed having children in like 4 Years from now.
    I really don’t think its fair for the future baby to be born now that nothing would be ready for her and him and parents who didn’t want her/him yet…

    #495532

    Jules

    If it was some random guy I would understand not saying anything and moving forward with your decision. However, this is your boyfriend. I’m pro-choice so I do think it’s your choice but I think not even telling him about it might be a recipe for trouble in your relationship.

    This is really one of the biggest things that could ever happen in a relationship. If the tables were turned would you want him keeping this from you?

    What are you fears in telling him?

    #495542

    Andy

    Let’s say he finds out 5, 10, 20 years from now, How do you think he’d feel? Lied to maybe? Hurt? Cheated?

    This child is part of him as well.
    I’m not sure I’d want to be with a girl who couldn’t involve me.

    You might want to consider telling him. This is also your choice.

    #495547

    Melania

    My fear is he will blame it on me because I’m on the pill so it’s my responsibility. I think he’ll make me feel guilty and I don’t need that atm…

    #495553

    Maria

    “it is not fair for the baby to be born into..” but it “is” fair to be aborted..? huh?

    Legal does not mean right.

    However, if you are going to abort it, don’t tell him. It is your body, he will only feel violated if he disagrees with your decision. Don’t tell him EVER. Not now not later.

    #495560

    Pollyanne

    Hi Melania,

    I know it is a tough choice but I agree with those who say you should tell him. My friends (now ex) girlfriend got an abortion and kept it from him, and when he found out he was extremely hurt. Not sure your boyfriend would react the same way but just something to think about.

    #495566

    newyearnewperson

    firstly – Im not judging you and Im not trying to change your mind… But I think you should tell your boyfriend. It’s your body and of course the last word has to be yours, but I kind of feel that in cases like this it has to be mutual decision. Avoiding a pregnancy is BOTH parties responsibility, not only women’s. Even if you are on pill a grown up man has to be aware that every intercourse can end with a pregnancy and it is his responsibility too – if he wasn’t ok with taking that responsibility he shouldn’t have sex. Don’t blame only yourself because of that.

    I understand that your decision is done and as I said it is completely your right to decide whatever.. but in my opinion 1,5 years together isn’t that short time. I know couples who have been dating (!) only 3 or 6 months before a woman got pregnant and both of those couples are happily married by now for years and having even more than 1 kid already. There will be never too perfect timing probably and even in the situations where the timing was really bad, it turned up really good in the end and they are really happy. And work… work is something you may lose overnight, so I wouldn’t do any big decisions in my life only because of the work. Well, I gave these examples as just a little factor what to consider before rushing to that decision.

    Anyway, wish you the best.

    #495568

    Miss_Aspiring

    You really think he would blame you instead of being supportive? Does he often blame you for things and make you feel guilty? This isn’t the way a man should treat the woman he loves.

    But, to your question, again I feel this is not something you should hide from him. It’s likely he will find out eventually, and then he’ll be even more upset that you weren’t honest in the first place.

    #495570

    Khadija

    Melania,
    I really think you should tell your boyfriend. If it was some random guy you were hooking up with then I’d see no big deal in going about it without his knowledge. The reason being is what if you have a complications or worse later down the line it spills out in some way?

    In relationships I think secrets are not good and this one is a big deal. This is a baby we are talking about.

    Imagine how he would feel if he found out you aborted his child.

    #495572

    Options2

    I am not judging.

    1. Your boyfriend or future husband may not forgive you for not telling him. Hint – disrespectful which men hate.

    2. How would you know the grand parents would not be happy and helpful.

    3. There is also a chance for future pregnancy complication.

    #495579

    Andy

    @Options2
    That happened to an Aunt of mine. She had an abortion, then later on in life couldn’t have any.

    #495583

    WaitWhat

    I totally get why you would not want to tell him.

    But he’s your boyfriend. You’ve been together a substantial amount of time. You have no idea what effects this abortion is going to have on you down the line (physically or psychologically).

    What if you marry this guy, get pregnant again, are thrilled with it… go to your first doctor’s appointment and the OB/GYN asks, “Which pregnancy is this of yours?” You will have to say your second. It will be on your records and nurses or doctors may not be so careful as to not mention it around him. Do you want a HUGE LIE to taint that? To taint your entire relationship?

    If you do not tell him you are not all in in this relationship and it will show one way or another. I promise you that.

    #495593

    Options2

    Sorry Andy …felt bad for your cousin who did not make it to the universe.

    #495596

    Melania

    I have no one in this country and we still do not have stable life to keep it.
    I don’t think he’d be supportive but just say I’m stupid and probably a turn off.

    Grandparents is not an option, he’s an orphan and mine already told me they don’t want grandchildren now as they want to enjoy life and they live countries away from me.

    #495598

    Khadija

    I don’t think he’d be supportive but just say I’m stupid and probably a turn off.

    Would he really say something like that to you? If, so I honestly question why you are with this guy in the first place.

    #495630

    Really

    You said that you both planned a child in 4 years…. But now you say he shouldn’t know if you got pregnant.. That’s messed up thinking. Sorry. Why are you even posting if you made up your mind?

    #495647

    SthrnBelle

    Please think it over very very carefully.

    I got pregnant when I was 20 and also on the pill from a man I knew I would break up with. Regardless I wanted to keep the baby. My family convinved me not to due to my studies, etc. I kept the ultrasound until it faded out. It was not the right man, not the right time but to this day I question that decision. I never had a child. To this day this is one of the saddest things in my life. I will forever regret that decision. If I had to make it today, no matter what, I would fight for that baby.

    That said this guy does not sound like a very nice guy. Not the right guy to you, not one that treats you well if he would say something like that. I would seriously think it over why you are with him and telling him would be a good test. In a situation like this he should be with you and by your side supporting you fully. If not, I would not excuse him but cut him off. How much can a man love a woman not being there for her through such a difficult time.

    Definitely think you should discuss it with him and see how he reacts but as to the baby, make your decision very carefully, one day you may feel very sorry for letting this baby go.

    #495650

    NY2GAgirl

    my thought on this is that if you feel so strong that he’ll blame you, call you stupid then maybe you shouldn’t be even planning to have kids with him or a life with him in any future. something this serious you don’t think he’ll accept and support? what kind of bf is he?

    I like the replies given and more important how it can affect your future, if you abort and stay with him. it can cause all kind of medical issues. So I would tell him, let him call you name if he wants to, let him blame you, at least you are being upfront and now you will know what kind of man he really is. If he can’t find a way to be supportive I’d stick to my decision then dump him in the interim.
    A woman should never feel shame in sharing something like this with her man especially after over one years.

    #495661

    Newbie

    I think you should tell your bf, although i also believe its your body and your choice. But i would, because going through an abortion is extremely difficult even if you know it is the right thing to do for you. So you might want his support. If he really is making it about you, you have to question his character. Every reasonable man knows it takes two to tango. Its not like you are tricking him into fatherhood here. Take care, be prepared that its not easy. Your hormones might be going nutty already.

    #495662

    Newbie

    And having an abortion is not a potential future karma biting you in the butt. Its perfectly safe, but yeah there is never a guarantee you will get pregnant when you are ready.

    #495665

    Jessica

    Absolutely YES – before you do anything – he deserves to be a part of any decision.

    Think this over. A baby is a blessing. I would keep the baby. I am not judging you but I think you may regret this later in life, not just because I believe he will be furious with you if he ever finds out.

    Many people raised good points about why you should keep it, what if you couldn’t have another, what if he finds out, how he could find out – but ultimately, I believe giving up this baby will hurt you. You are young and don’t have children yet, so maybe you don’t understand – children feel like a part of you, and when something happens to them, you feel it in your soul.

    #495672

    Gemini615

    it’s your body so yes ultimately your choice, however, he is your boyfriend and this is a man you plan on having kids with in the future. Therefore, you really should tell him. I think he would be very hurt and may even feel betrayed if you didn’t at least let him know what is going on and how you plan to handle it. You certainly don’t need his permission but I think you’ll find his support will be helpful afterwards. However, if you feel that he would react negatively and blame you, then I agree with the others that you really need to question why you’re with someone like that. It’s not like you got yourself pregnant.

    #495674

    Newbie

    I cant help having issues with people (also people i respect) pushing for keeping the baby (while also stating they don’t judge). Abortion is such a difficult thing to do, and its not a light decision. You get screened more than if you want to buy a gun (if you live in the USA). The question wasnt about having an abortion but about telling the bf. I would really ask you girls to please not do this.

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