Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is it worth it or not?
- This topic has 15 replies and was last updated 3 years, 4 months ago by
T from NY.
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Lovie
Hey guys. I need urgent help. I dunno what to think or feel anymore.
I’ve dated my boyfriend for a year and 4 months. Whitin our first 5 months of dating I found out spontaneously that he had cheated on me and along with that I found a number of girls he’s been texting on his phone especially on Facebook (including he’s ex) . When I confronted him he got all angry and irritated cause I went through he’s privacy,but eventually thereafter told me he did it because he was drunk and it just happened since she was he’s old hook up buddy and he only replies to the ex cause he doesn’t want bad vibes between them.
Anyway time went by and we moved past that, only for me to come find a few months later that he still texts girls especially on Facebook. When I would ask him why he does that he’s only say he was drunk and he gets bored or starts feeling insecure. The funny thing is when he gets drunk he doesn’t want me to disturb him and he’s friends or call or text. A few weeks ago I found another incident of him texting girls, and this time it was even someone from church. And no. He litterlarly texts them asking when they’ll spend time alone or when can he visit. He even did that whit someone who stays in he’s street!!!
I confronted him and asked him how does he expect me to feel knowing all this and having to look all these people in the eye everyday when I know what he’s catching on with them in the back of my mind and he was so cold when I told him to imagine I was him. He just told me he’s been in such a situation before and he’s content with himself. He also added he can’t help that I don’t trust him and I actually shouldn’t.I feel so stupid cause as much as I know I should run I can’t find myself moving. Help!
Zoe
Its on you, you will continue being unhappy untill you break up with this looser
tammy
what are you asking? is this worth it? ofcrse not and you also know that. but your still hanging around and taking more of his bs.
Maddie
Wow. He’s actually kind of the worst. He doesn’t want bad vibes with an ex but doesn’t give a crap what his actual girlfriend thinks. Why would you want to be with such a broken narcissistic child who has no respect for you? You can do way better with literally almost anyone else. Remember that he’s treating you this way because you allow it by not leaving (you teach people how to treat you). Without consequences, he’ll do whatever he wants at your expense. Respect and look out for yourself, because he’s flat out told you in words and in actions that he’s sure not going to do it. He doesn’t care how you feel, that’s why he can’t put himself in your shoes or feel any empathy. He lies to you about everything and you know it (except he’s honest that you can’t trust him!). Not sure how this could be worth it or why you think you’re worth so little. It’s not an issue of stupid, though. The situation has clearly whittled your self-confidence down to nothing, but if you ignore him and work on building it back up, I bet your feet will start moving again in no time. That’s the way out of the fog you’re stuck in. Please believe you deserve better and leave.
tammy
if your bestie or say your sister comes to you for advice and tells you she has caught her bf coming on to many girls over various occasions multiple times. what would you tell her? stick around with him? since hes so worth it? the answer is sooo obvious about what you should do. and you know it.
Raven
You’ve allowed his behavior for a year & 4 months. Why should he change?
Lane
He pretty much told you “this is all you will get from me” so if don’t want what he is offering, its ultimately up to you to say “no thank you” and find some peace and happiness in your life without him in it. Your happiness is your responsibility, not his. Once you learn this life skill you won’t allow crappy men into your life.
Life is hard, choices are hard but its truly up to you to determine “how hard” you want to keep making it? My advice to you is to Listen to the song “These boots are made for walking” and kick him to the curb :o)
Lovie
I broke up with him. I’m not exactly sad about it, but you know those sad moments you get when you remember the good times. But then I just remind myself of all the bad and I’m a bit better again.
Everything you’ve told me is everything I’ve been telling myself at the back of my mind. I geuss I was just scared to leave.maybe I was too comfortable. Or too codependent. Not sure.
But I did it. I took the first step and I actually feel good about it. There’s so many things I’ve heard and was told and I’d always have to hear about my insecurities, so the silence feels good. Feels better.
Raven
Congrats!
Maddie
That’s amazing news! Change is hard and grief may sometimes come in waves, but stay the course if any of that happens. It’s normal. With time you’ll start to recognize yourself again and it will feel better and better. I’m happy you are putting yourself first again and not tolerating someone else’s abusive BS.
Angel
This guy is such an ass, happy you left the situation.
tammy
u should have done this much sooner. but as they say better late than never. all the best.
Tess
I have been in a relationship for nearly 3 years and after 1 year we got engaged and were to be married then COVID hit and the wedding was postphoned. I then found out that my fiance was facebook messaging other women and also seeing another woman I knew of. Ended it but we got back together as he promised he would not do again. He lies compusively and never tells the truth about where he is. He says I am his closes friend and want to keep me in his life but has other friends and does not want a relationship. I really like this man what is wrong with me that I will still see him after all he as done. Please help
Eshika
Well this would be a real time waste if you continue to be in such relationship, better to move on. You can take help from your friends and family to get past this.
Maddie
Tess, you should start your own new post. But he didn’t follow through on the wedding (not even just getting legally married but not having a big ceremony yet) and now says he only wants to stay close friends. It’s very lucky for you he didn’t follow through, because that gave you time to find out he’s creeping on other women before you were legally tangled up in his nonsense!
You obviously don’t see having zero trust in a relationship as a dealbreaker (but it really should be), so what’s wrong is probably that you’ve had to tolerate other people mistreating you at some point in your life and were taught to do what you had to in order to keep them around instead of being taught to lean into yourself and grow your own self confidence to lose connections who don’t respect you or have your best interests at heart. Definitely ditch this guy and go no contact so you can get out of the fog of thinking his behavior is normal or okay. Depending on what else you’ve felt (or been told) you had to tolerate in your life, it may be worth talking to a therapist to learn how to ignore that noise and practice new ways of being there for yourself and valuing yourself more.
T from NY
It is very easy to explain that – the more you love yourself, I mean REALLY LOVE YOU, the less you’ll put up with bad treatment. It’s much harder to practice though I understand. Having a strong, robust sense of worth means putting in the WORK. Work such as loving yourself by
-when people show you who they are, you believe them
-committing to living in real relationships, not fantasy ones you make up in your head
-drawing appropriate boundaries around your deal breakers, and not making excuses for others bad behavior
-taking the time and PRACTICING, being okay being alone
-being brave to tell someone how you really feel, to leave and start over, to SIT in the stillness of sad and miserable feelingsMy kids, my relatives, my friends, even my work associates know – if you treat me badly – you will not be in my life. full stop. You have to choose, each day, to love yourself and live this way. It is hard. But it’s a choice. I wish this for you.
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