Is he playing me?

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  • #940380 Reply

    A guy I had a date (one date) with 10 years ago got in touch with me, out of the blue, via social media 8 months ago. I was the one on our date 10 years ago that thanked him for our date (just drinks) and said I didn’t want to date him, he was accepting of that and we went our separate ways. He was the first date I’d had after my break up from my partner of several years. I realised on my date with the guy I met that although we had a nice time and hit it off I wasn’t ready to date, I got cold feet.
    Anyway.. fast forward back to 8 months ago when he got in touch with me, he said he’d seen me about a fair bit of late (we live 5 min walk from one another) and thought he’d reach out and say hello, see if I’d like to catch up. Seeing as we’d got on well on our date many years back I thought it would be nice to catch up. We met up and went for a walk and chatted the whole time (a good few hours). Over the galloping weeks we met up for walks, picnics, and round his for coffees and dinner. After about a month we slept together (didn’t stay over). This continued for about another month then he started to go quiet on me, then said he needed space. I gave him space, said when he was ready to talk I’d be there. He didn’t contact me for a week, then I went on holiday and texted me throughout the week I was away. On my return we met up, and he told me he couldn’t be in a relationship with me as he struggled with his emotions, and he said he felt aftaid to get close, which is why he went quiet on me. He apologised for hurting me by ending things, but asked if we could remain friends and hang out, to which I agreed. We continued to catch up for walks and coffee (at his) over the next 3 or 4 months, I enjoyed our chats and his company. He’d always reach out for a hug before I left, we’d text throughout the week back n forth. I was going through a particularly rough time with my father being unwell and in hospital and caring for him as well as supporting my mum and brother too, and felt very lonely, so having his friendship and company was nice.
    Mid Novemebr last year though, he began stroking my arm/leg whilst we sat together and became more affectionate towards me. I told him that it felt a bit confusing him doing that as we were friends after all. He apologised. As we entered into December, he began to text more often, and call me too, he’d only ever texted me until now. He was also talking more about the times we slept together and how nice it was, he began complimenting me more saying I was beautiful both inside and out. When I needed his help with a few things regarding my parents, he offered his help. I aas feeling quite confused by this point, he was behaving like he was interested in me again, like our friendship had made him realise we might have something together, like he wanted to try again. I held back tho, I felt confused. Xmas eve, he asked me if I wanted to come round for dinner. I stayed for dinner, and drinks. We sat on the sofa together watching TV and he was hugging and holding me, kissing my head and stroking my hair. I hugged him back, and held his hand, but no more than that, I felt unsure if I wanted this to go where I felt it might be. He asked me if I wanted to stay over and I said I didn’t. He seemed sad as I left. Xmas day and boxing day we texted back n forth, he was saying he wished I’d stayed over so he could wake up next to me, I was saying how unsure I felt and confused as he’d already said many months before that he’d not wanted a relationship. With everything else going on, with being alone over Xmas (my children were at their fathers) and generally feeling really quite low and lonely, I began questioning myself and overthinking things ending up with feeling more confused that ever. The day after Boxing day, I went to his (my friend) for a coffee, we chatted, I cried, he hugged me, we kissed, we ended up in bed together.. in the following weeks into the new year, he continued to text a lot more, call a few times a week, and I’d go round for a coffee, natter, and we’d sleep together. I never stayed over as I have my children at home (late teens in age) to care for. Then 2 weeks ago he went quiet on me, texts dwindled to one or two a week with a quick hi, and if I texted he’d not respond at all or until the next day. Then this Friday, he texted all chatty and same again today and asking if I wanted to come by for a coffee. I went round, we sat and had a coffee and chatted, then he leant in and hugged me and kissed me.. we slept together. About 10 min after he got up and we got dressed, he kissed me goodbye and I went home. Usually we’d have laid in bed together chatting for a good hour or so before I’d head home.. I felt used today.. and to be honest its a strong feeling of having been used.
    I really don’t know what to think about us if their even is an us as he avoids talking about it saying he enjoys my company, and to let it be what it is. Which is what?

    #940381 Reply

    Omg. This is quite the detailed drama. Why do you accept that? Sounds like this is a situation where you just wait to see what happens instead of getting clarity before you act. You let a man into your life without confirming words and actions were matching. I am sorry this is painful, but next time get a commitment on both ends

    #940382 Reply

    If someone enjoys your company or even cares for you but is emotionally unavailable, this is what happens. There’s no clarity from continuing to hang out and getting to know each other better no matter how long you give it, because the issue has nothing to do with you or with feelings overcoming all obstacles. He’s either being honest that he has serious issues, which bigger picture doesn’t matter because he’s not dealing with them and gets to keep you around on the hook as a nice distraction from his issues, or he uses that as a sob story and cover for just wanting something casual. Either way, you don’t get anywhere further than where you currently are. If you’re seeking a real relationship with someone, cut your losses here.

    #940384 Reply

    I would just totally stop all contact with him. You can’t be just friends”’you want more and he wants friendship with casual sex thrown in. IMO people you have date or had sex can not be friends…rarely anyway. Someone always gets hurt/wants more.
    This guy never properly courted you either. Walks and pizza and sex at his place is not real dating/relationship action. Hold yourself and a guy to a higher standard next time.

    #940387 Reply

    You’ve been available and accommodating but he loses interest or detaches quickly. Are you dating others? If not, why?

    #940398 Reply

    I dont think hes deliberately doing this. Hes just not comfy being in a relatnship and maybe moody. needs his periodic cool off periods. Besides your always around at his whims n fancies and hes getting things at his convenience. So why bother?

    Problem is why are you settling for so less? Why are you always accomodating him? Sometimes when you hv been intimate with a person, its difficult to transit to a platonic frndship. You tried being just frnds with him but it turnd into frndship with benefits.

    If you are luking for a proper fulfilling relatnship wid a man which has future, thn you need to cut off from this guy totally.

    And you need to step up and not be so available at his beck and call. Drop this guy.

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