Is he losing interest or busy?


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This topic contains 22 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  AngieBaby 13 hours, 43 minutes ago.

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  • #929584 Reply

    Claire

    Hey all

    I’ve been dating a guy long distance for 9 months now. Started off seeing each other once a week but I’ve not seen him for 7 weeks now since he started a new job.

    We talk every day although not as much as normal (both phone and text) but he seems to have lost interest and isn’t as affectionate on texts and it feels like our spark has gone.

    I’ve outright asked him if everything ok and he said yes he’s just busy and new job is taking a lot out of him. I’ve also told him that I’m starting to get feelings and want him in my future with no pressure or rush. He’s ignored that completely although still in contact.

    What do I do? Wait or back off?

    This man is the one I’ve been waiting my whole life for and I don’t want to end it as we could be amazing together but at the same time I want to know where I stand or whether to move on.

    #929588 Reply

    AngieBaby

    No effort to see you in 7 weeks after 9 months of seeing each other every week is not a good sign, sorry. And no response on you want him in your life… sounds like a slow fade. Has he given you any idea how long it will be before he can make time to get together? It’s time for either a F2F or video chat.

    #929595 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    How did you meet? Have you been long distance the whole time?

    Agree with Angiebaby that it sounds like this guy is checking out. This guy doesn’t value you as a girlfriend if he doesn’t care that he hasn’t seen you in almost 2 months!

    How far away is he? You can’t visit each other over a weekend? I don’t understand how he’s suddenly so “busy”, even with a new job, he’s not working 7 days a week is he? Are you sure he’s not dating other women?

    #929601 Reply

    Maddie

    I’m a little confused about your set up. You’ve been dating for 9 months but you’re just starting to talk about having feelings now? Has this been committed up to now or casual?

    If you can’t manage face to face dates against his current schedule with the distance, can you have video dates temporarily? Has he ever talked about how you’d close the distance in the future to really be together?

    #929608 Reply

    Claire

    Thanks all.

    He is 4 hours away at the moment and we’ve been managing ok before the new job with meeting but since then things have changed.

    I am relocating closer to him at the end of next year so the gap will be less but at the moment it is difficult to get together with schedules.

    This man is the one I’ve been waiting my whole life for so I would wait, work through it and be ok if I knew there was something to wait for but I am finding the lack of emotions and not saying he wants long term hard as if I knew that was a possibility, I have no problem waiting and working towards that. I guess I need to find out if we are on the same page or whether it’s time to let go and move on.

    It’s hard as I’ve never found someone like this before that I felt was the one but at the same time don’t want to be left hanging around. On reading the replies, it does seem he is fading and that is hard to bare but I am worth more.

    #929609 Reply

    Claire

    To add, we have been exclusive since shortly after meeting but feelings never mentioned before as I was being guarded and didn’t want to bring it up.

    When together, there is a spark and connection and there was on communication too until recently.

    #929611 Reply

    AngieBaby

    If you’re relocating just for him, I’d rethink that. Four hours away isn’t THAT far. You should still be able to get together on weekends. I can see him being too busy with a new job for maybe one or two weekends but definitely not seven. Obviously you care for him very much, but the man who is The One for you wouldn’t treat you like this. Talk with him. ASAP before you up sticks and move.

    #929617 Reply

    Claire

    Relocation is for work not him so either way I’m relocating
    But you are absolutely right so thank you.

    #929623 Reply

    stevesmith99

    Spend some quality time with him and let him know what you are thinking. You might be overthinking it because chances are he is busy with his new job.

    #929624 Reply

    Ewa

    I have a feeling he is busy but not with work but with someone else and he keeps you around in case the other relationship doesn’t work out.
    men are never too busy if they want something, he surely isn’t working weekends and even if he did you could have asked you to come to him and spend one evening with him…
    sorry but to me he is losing interest

    #929626 Reply

    Clare

    Thanks Steve. I have made him aware and sorting out meeting up as I type this. He is genuinely busy with work and extra shifts so I think I am overthinking a little. So hard when you like someone a lot.

    Thanks Ewa. That certainly could be a possibility although I would have hoped I knew him enough to know that doesn’t seem like the type he is so would hope that wouldn’t be the case. Have given him opportunities to say it isn’t working for him etc, and if that is the case, his loss as I’m amazing and deserve better :)

    In the meantime, I’m focusing on me and making sure I’m having fun and pushing forward with my dreams and goals.

    Appreciate you all taking the time to reply. Thank you

    #929630 Reply

    sophoa

    To be honest, I do this with guys that I don’t really like but want to keep in contact with. I hate confrontation because I don’t like to hurt ppl’s feelings, which is why I do this.
    He just doesn’t like you enough to make time to see you regularly.
    If you have feelings, you should stop talking to him.
    Only respond to him when he initiates.
    If you really want love in your life, start dating casually to take your mind off of the guy you like. Who knows? Maybe he’ll come around when he sees you’re always busy and not responding to him very much anymore.
    This guy you like doesn’t seem to care, so you have to force yourself to become unbothered by dating other guys.

    #929684 Reply

    Claire

    Well to update you all, he’s ended it.
    After conversations over the last two days, he says he’s not at a point for a relationship at present (despite me always telling him from the start that this is what I was looking for in a date).

    I’m heartbroken, upset and to add to this, I suffer with a condition that makes rejection worse than the average person which makes it physically hurt (my rational brain knows it’s his loss, my condition makes it so incredibly painful).

    #929702 Reply

    Kathy

    I’m so sorry Claire.. It sounds like he wasn’t going to step up to the plate. So sorry!!

    #929705 Reply

    Mare

    Even though you feel bad now you will meet the one don’t give up hope. I know how you feel but things will get better I’ve been down that road myself

    #929755 Reply

    Sharon

    I’m on this journey right now too. Similar situation…long distance relationship for a year, I tried to brush off the feeling that he was pulling away, assured myself he was indeed busy with work… finally point-blank asked him what we were over Thanksgiving, and he admitted he wasn’t ready for something serious.

    A few days past it all, and I’m still feeling confused, rejected…stupid for staying so long?? But like you said, I know it’s HIS problem, not mine! Still…it hurts.

    I hope you find some peace and healing moving forward. I’m trying to remind myself good comes from even sad experiences. You sound like a wonderful woman with a lot of love and a clear head… you’re going to find the right guy who appreciates that!

    #929778 Reply

    Marie

    I know how you feel. It is incredibly hard right now going through this but in time, you will be on the other side of it. Continue focusing on yourself and healing first and foremost. You come first! :)

    #929809 Reply

    Claire

    Thank you all so much.

    I hate this bit of dating!! At 40 years old, I hope I find the person I’m supposed to be with soon rather than keep going through this cycle.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m a strong and independent person, but who wouldn’t want love in their life!

    Sending hugs to you that are going through the same at the moment or have too x

    #929824 Reply

    Sylvia

    Oh Claire! The easiest answer is usually the right one and it does su*k. Btw, you put this guy on a pedestal and contradicted yourself in your first post.
    Also shout out to Sophoa!
    Sophoa, we women do this all the time. I’ll text a guy maybe meet up when I’m bored but when I see they become interested I do just like you. Both parties are guilty of this.

    #929837 Reply

    Claire

    Thanks for commenting Sylvia.
    I admit, I really liked him and was getting feelings and we did get on so perfectly with a good connection (he always joked I was a female version of him).

    Not sure how I’ve contradicted myself as I’ve read through and can’t seem to find a contradiction. Would be fab if you could point it out :)

    He’s been texting recently – just general chat (morning, hope you are well etc) and although I’m politely responding, I’m in the right head space to take Sophoa’s advice and am looking at casually dating and going out more :)

    #929839 Reply

    Maddie

    Claire, I don’t have RSD but I’m familiar with it and sorry you’re going through this. Are you familiar with insecure attachment styles? I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy is on the avoidant end of things (my guess would be fearful avoidant), and you may be mirroring that which is why it had been difficult to discuss feelings with him, open up to trust someone in general, and you’ve had a pattern of relationships going awry in the past. Thais Gibson has some great free videos online about this stuff, you can try watching one of the ones about FA and seeing if it resonates if you’re not already familiar with it.

    And while you didn’t ask this, I’d also cut him off at this point since he broke up with you, and focus on yourself in this area and then meeting new guys when you’re ready. Hang in there!

    #929841 Reply

    Sylvia

    Claire, I admit I made a mistake but I was reading the whole post. You described his poor behaviour and what struck me was “This man is the one I’ve been waiting my whole life”. Repeated in another post. Like.. were you waiting your whole life for a guy that would fade away make you unsure insecure and couldn’t even have a real talk? With whom you lost chemistry?
    I mean in general I’d never describe my dream guy as basically “perfect but making me sad”. That’s why I “sensed” contradiction.

    #929842 Reply

    AngieBaby

    Totally agree with Maddie. Why would you stay in touch with a man whose rejection of you caused you so much emotional and actual physical pain??!!

    He broke up with you. Why is he still texting good morning and other stuff??

    Are you staying in touch because you’re hoping he will change his mind? Strongly advise you let him experience life without you completely for a while, at least 1-3 months. Sometimes when someone breaks up and has some space to think about it, they see things differently. But that doesn’t happen if they still have daily access to you. And staying in touch with him prevents you from grieving the loss and moving on.

    Do what you want, it’s obviously your life… but please think about what Maddie and I just said.

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