This topic contains 43 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Haley 5 months, 3 weeks ago.
January 12, 2020 at 12:57 pm #782646
Been seeing/talking to this guy for two months. We are both in college. We didn’t kiss until date 4, and slept together on date 5. Before we slept together I asked him where his head was and he said how his head was “clear”, and he isn’t looking for something casual. After we slept together I was hesitant to initiate things and let him lead. When Two days later I get an invitation to have a sit down double date dinner with him, his brother and his brothers gf. I was surprised but excited, and nervous. The dinner went well, and I slept over his place. We spent 20 hours together, said bye for winter break (this was 3 days before Christmas) and texted throughout break on and off. Since it was break I didn’t overanalyze if he didn’t text for a day or two. Now we are back in school and we were texting up until this past Wednesday, and in mid conversation he just went silent. He has his read receipts on and I’ve been left on delivered for five days now. He usually sends even a stupid meme or something. I have no idea what to think. On NYE he texted me at 12:01 wishing me a happy new year, things seemed fine and he always talked about being a mature adult regarding feelings and he has gotten burned in the past and didn’t wanna recreate that, so for him to ghost and go silent after talking for two months and me meeting family just seems so out of the blue. I am hurting a bit, and even if he does reach back out I don’t really wanna be with someone that just goes silent like this. I genuinely don’t know what to do I at least thought he would be man enough to tell me he isn’t feeling it. My friends are saying to send a text saying “hey you good?” But I personally think he’s a big enough boy to read my text and text me back. He told me he isn’t talking to anyone else but that could’ve easily changed, I just figured he would tell me. Sorry I’m just kinda hurt, and unsure where my gut feelings are regarding this. For all I know maybe something happened! Or he’s just not interested! I have no idea. This just seems out of character for him to just go silent, and a couple times over break he said how he was busy when he replied late so I ??? Ahh sorry just upset! Why would I meet a family member at a reservation dinner just to be ghosted??January 12, 2020 at 3:37 pm #782661
Hi Haley. Sorry,this is too bad and confusing,but the bottom line is that he has stopped contacting you ,for whatever reason. So I would take that as your “answer”.
If you are genuinely worried that he is hurt or sick-I would send ONE and only one text. I would say “Hi,how are you?” I would not say anythng about not hearing fro him or your worries for “his health” etc. Just the” how are you text?” Then he either won’t answer or will answer with excuses or some vague lameness about being busy. If he says anything other than “Hey I have been thinking about you,would you like to go out on X day and time?” ( and if you want to go,you can decide) -then I would just leave him be and not reply or say something like “I see”.January 12, 2020 at 4:31 pm #782663
I am so sorry this happened to you it’s really painful. I had a similar situations where I dated someone for a couple months as well and it was going very well and I met their family. He is committed to me very early and we were trying to make a go of it. Then he backed away and didn’t talk through something that was fairly minor. He also promised that he would talk through any problems with me because I know that you need to talk about conflict resolution early in a relationship. Remember that he may have promise something he can’t deliver on, and something that he wants to be able to deliver on but just isn’t skilled up on. The fact that he’s ghosting tells you that he’s not very mature. And the fact that he’s not talking through if there was an issue also shows you that he’s not very mature. He may want to be mature and want different outcomes but he hast to be able to deliver them. It says more about him than about you. Just let them go and if he tries to come back give him not 1 inch.January 12, 2020 at 5:37 pm #782676
Wow I could have written this post. 6-7 dates, double date with his best friend and that friend’s gf, light texting over the holidays and now no solid plans to meet up again. I’m not sure what’s going on in these situations but it sucks and I feel for you. Maybe you should let him know you’re feeling some distance and confusion from him and that you need to take some space now if he’s not on the same page anymore?January 12, 2020 at 5:56 pm #782682
Leave him alone. Don’t pretend you don’t get the message.January 12, 2020 at 8:02 pm #782708
Ladies this is very common and need to be prepared that they won’t last past a few months. Additionally, these types of pull backs are very common, especially at this stage, as they are trying to ascertain if they “miss you” in the way they need to miss you to know if their feelings for you are more than just “I like her” but if they have or are falling in love.
I’m very acutely aware of these “pull backs” as I’ve done it myself when I was unsure of how I felt and needed some time to sort it out. I did this to my ex husband where I was agoing to break up with him because I couldn’t feel the same loving feelings he had for me and so I took a few days to get up the nerve to tell him. Something happened within those few days that took me by surprise, and realized I MISSED HIM and the thought of him not being in my life would be painful…it was the first sign that I had fallen in love with him and didn’t know it!
However, there have been times when I took these “time outs” as I knew I didn’t have the feelings I needed to keep seeing them and no amount of space was going to change my feelings. I hated having to do the difficult task of letting them know I didn’t want to continue—that’s a suckier task than being faded on IMO.
What I’m trying to say is that not all pull backs or times outs are bad or good. Some need time to sort out their feelings before they can know if they want to continue or not. By allowing them this time will give you the answer, whereas if they don’t step back in they didn’t have the feelings they needed to feel in order to continue and the UPSIDE to this is that you are now free to meet the guy who will!
I know rejection stings but just know its very temporary and in short time you’ll bounce back and be living your awesome life again!January 13, 2020 at 11:16 am #782774
Hi all thank you for the input. I just really feel bamboozled. Like my gut intuition I trust it all the time and it’s been right with my other previous relationships/flings in the past. And now I just feel like it’s been derailed and I cannot trust anyone. He told me how patient he is and even when he finally kissed me it was long overdue as I wanted to jump his bones at least by date 3 but he took his time with initiating sexual stuff, and that’s why it felt natural. I truly did not get any blaring red flags whatsoever. In my head I even kept telling myself “he is not one to ghost, he will tell me his feelings”. And obviously now that’s been completely thrown off. Even my crappy ex boyfriend when I knew he was going cold on me before the breakup I just KNEW what he was doing and I FELT that in my gut. With this guy, nothing, completely out of left field. My friends say he was doing a good guy image, but I just genuinely didn’t get that it was an act. He didn’t show any other signs that made me question his intentions. Part of me thinks he’s busy or one of his ex’s reached back out, but in my gut I still feel like he would at least be a man and tell me. This is completely eradicating any mature image I had of him. A day prior to him going silent he didn’t reply until late to a text I sent and he even said “hey! Sorry I was really busy today”. So I don’t understand why then 3 hours later just utterly silent with no explanation since his previous actions has shown he is capable of explaining let alone my own inner alarms didn’t start going off until yesterday, because a couple days of no texting seemed somewhat usual. I feel so hurt. And I don’t need this extra emotional turmoil on top of everything else. My dad has stage 4 cancer, and I have other family issues, and really don’t need more stress in my life. I told him about my dad early on and he seemed to have more respect for me regarding how to handle emotions and what not. Part of me wants to go off at him, another part just wants to say the “hi how are you?” Text to at least get some closure (which he always talked about??!!) and another part just wants to say nothing but I know I will feel crappy.January 13, 2020 at 11:35 am #782776
You may be taking this even harder because of your dad’s illness and family stress. I would just send the text I suggested,since you seem so stuck and upset. Be prepared that he may not answer back or will give you a “spin”. but it may give you a better idea or closure as you mentioned.
Do not blow up or send emotional messages. NO. If he does reply to the Hello text,be cool and don’t say alot,,,leavre it be,unless he has a good explanation or wants to take you out. You m ay not trust him now or would want to go out again,but you can have the choice.January 13, 2020 at 11:46 am #782778
sounds very painful. sorry to hear this. but you have to accept that for some reason he has changed his mind and doesn’t want to take this ahead with you anymore. even if he had something on his mind, he would have discussed his misgivings with you if he really wanted to work things out with you. but the fact that he just disappeared without a word seems to indicate that he does not want to take this with you any further.
I think you have no option but to let this go. but if you cant get over the confusion or get closure in your head, I think its ok to ask him just what went wrong for him. he may or may not answer you. or he may answer but not be entirely truthful. And regardless of his reasons, do you want to be with someone who thinks its fine to just disappear after sleeping with you and leave you to wonder? why give him that satisfaction when he was so cruel?
it will be hard but its best that you stop trying to figure what happened and try your best in putting him out of your mind. fortunately for you he flipped on you early on. if he had done this few months down the line you would have felt worst. so think that you had a lucky escape. you don’t need such men in your life.January 13, 2020 at 1:24 pm #782786
We can only guess what is going on with this guy. Only he knows and for some reason has decided not to communicate with you.
At this point accept things as is and focus on you.
I see you mentioned your father’s illness and other family issues, perhaps dating right now isn’t a good idea.
In any case don’t send any messages and if he does reach out you have to decide if you want to talk to someone who goes silent on you.January 13, 2020 at 1:30 pm #782789
Who Mfk’n knows
Ugh just message the guy.January 13, 2020 at 7:26 pm #782817
T from NY
He’s a coward. But we’re human and we want resolution. What’s AWFUL is his behavior. “Pulling back” and completely ignoring someone are two different things. He’s an ass. But, truly, it’s a gift to you. Sometimes we think we know what we need, and how great it would be to have a special someone to help us through family members illnesses or other hard times. But the universe knew this guy wouldn’t make the cut, and you got all you need already inside you. It’s hard because your tender right now – but I hope you can find some anger. Screw disappointment. Write him off. If he contacted me again I would say – ya I don’t talk to dudes who leave me on read for a week.
I’m sorry sweetie. We’ve all been there. You’re strong. Grieve some. Tend to you. Then heal some. You got thisJanuary 13, 2020 at 8:07 pm #782820
I’m feeling this right now with an ex that keeps coming and going, acting bipolar. I appreciate your words and really connect with this so thank you. People just really really suck. I’m glad to hear people understand cuz its a painful journey to accept and move on.January 13, 2020 at 10:25 pm #782825
i’ve kind of come to see that the presence of good signs doesn’t mean nearly as much as the absence of them or you noticing a red flag. I had to just let the guy I was seeing know that I had a feelings we were on the same page anymore and it turns out my gut feeling was right. Don’t mean to hijack your thread, but wanted to let you know that if you really needed closure in that way, you could always let him know how you’re feeling, However, you should walk away regardless of his excuses. He is displaying ugly behavior by leaving you hanging like this. sometimes our judgement of others is wrong but that doesn’t mean you are always a bad judge of character. you need some time to recover and regroup.January 13, 2020 at 11:13 pm #782829
Hi again all,
Reading these replies have been great and it’s so nice that we can all come together to hash these things out. Today was emotionally draining and after some too much long thought I decided to send a “hey how are you” text. My reasoning became 1) if he doesn’t reply, I instantly get my answer and see him for his true spineless self and 2) if he does reply maybe it’s a chance for clarification, and an actual mature adult conversation he seemed to so pride himself on through words and actions. As of right now no reply, which I obviously can’t control. But I feel better regarding this as I have my answer, and he really thinks I look desperate or needy for sending a simple how are you text after five days of utter silence even more of an emphasis of how we are not compatible AT ALL. This sucks. I’m hurting. I cried. I feel jaded and as if I cannot trust anyone right now. But I have to keep telling myself this isn’t my fault and I did absolutely nothing wrong. For those in similar situations keep telling yourself that!!! Even with my crappy misogynistic ex boyfriend he was still able to have a conversation with me regarding a breakup and even though that hurt, i didn’t think it was a bare minimum to communicate things to end it, and saddens me that people in years worth of relationships, people still ghost. I am not sending any follow up messages unless he replies a warranted response. Took me 8 months to put myself back out there after a 6 month relationship, and now after two months hopefully it won’t take extremely long, but for right now I’m taking it easy. People show you who they are!!!!! Even though I truly didn’t believe he was one to ghost, I had an inkling he was a bit of a narcissist. Probably was right.January 13, 2020 at 11:34 pm #782831
I think you are going to feel better once you block him.January 14, 2020 at 12:18 am #782832
So you didn’t listen to the advice that he already indicated he had gone off you. If a man isn’t chasing you, he’s running from you.
Learn from this.January 14, 2020 at 4:37 am #782851
I think its ok that u messaged him. most of us want some kind of closure. you reached out and took the first step. give it 3/4 days atmost a week and if he still doesn’t reply block him. and delete his number from your phone. but I seriously don’t think you should send any more msgs unless he reverts. look at things this way. the ball is now in his court. you did your part. now let him figure. give it a week then move on.January 14, 2020 at 7:47 am #782855
what if he does reply, but gives a one-word reply? does this constitute ghosting?
Haley sounds like a reasonable and nice girl, i think you certainly deserve better than a guy who chooses to walk out on you like that. If he doesn’t turn around, it’s time for you to cut your losses short and move on. His loss, not yours!
I’m sure there’s a better guy out there for you, and when you look back, you have to thank these guys for walking out on you, otherwise, it wouldn’t freed you to be with the right guy!
keep the faithJanuary 14, 2020 at 8:31 am #782857
What a jerk.
It’s not that hard to end something these days via text. Or pause things.
If he reaches back out tell him you have no time for men who can’t be bothered to communicate. Ghosting is horrible behavior.
To anyone who ghosts, being abandoned feels like hell, moreso than being dumped. And the next guy you the person you ghosted dates, they’ll be leary and unable to trust, and may end up being clingy/paranoid.
I’ve been ghosted a few times and I hate the game. Is he dead or a jerk? I’ve been dumped and dumped a few times and while, no, it is not fun, it immediately closes a situation and frees me to move on.January 14, 2020 at 8:34 am #782858
Also, you can harden and not let it bother you as some people suggest, but the catch 22 is that men want to see vulnerability in women. So you can be an unbothered carefree busy women while dating, and it works to a point, then a guy wants you to let your guard down or you get marked as cold/icy/masculine. And when you let your guard down, that’s when ghosting hurts.
Ugh, so sorry this happened to you.January 14, 2020 at 9:01 am #782859
yeah ideally its best to walk away and not look back. but if your invested in a person, its not that easy to just walk off. we all want to know what happened here. get some answers. I think he knows he has done wrong. if he is even halfway decent he will use this opportunity, reply and tell you why he did what he did. but if he is a jerk he wont reply or simply answer with just a hello. you have made the first move to know what happened. but deep down you probably know he wants out or something is totally off with him. so if he doesn’t bother to explain I think you shld simply close this book and move on. as I said give it a week.January 14, 2020 at 9:08 am #782860
Hi all. He replied 3 hours later with a “Hi! I’m good.” Then another message of “I do kinda want to chat if you can”. So there you have it. I still feel awful because I had to basically initiate this like judging him to wake up. At the same time I feel like cattle getting ready to get slaughtered. I’m not replying until later today as I do not have time until late afternoon, but I’m going to tell him tomorrow because that is my only easy day of classes. I feel sick to my stomach.January 14, 2020 at 10:13 am #782862
Well you don’t have to talk to him. His response is totally weak too. He “kinda” wants to chat ? Please, don’t do me any favors. It doesn’t sound good but you can take back control and say something like, “yeah I guess that’s the issue. I’m not interested in someone who kinda wants to talk to me. I’m looking for someone who can’t wait to talk to me. Best of luck to you. “January 14, 2020 at 11:19 am #782867
At 2 months in- great response Lala. That’s what I would say.