Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Is he acting distant or just busy on holidays?
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 3 years, 3 months ago by
Chloe.
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Chloe
Hi everybody, I’ve been dating this guy since September, met online, we’re not official but we are exclusive. We’re both in our late 30’s, never married, no kids.
I am French and he is Spanish and we both live in Scotland. We are currently spending the Holidays apart with our respective families.
We saw each other just before we left and had a great time and he sent me a message the next day to say that everything about our last evening together was amazing. He was in touch every day before we left as there were issues with flights due to Covid and we were both concerned we weren’t going to be able to make it back home. It showed that he cared.
He wished me Merry Christmas and since then no news… I sent him a message after 5 days just telling him what I have been up to and telling him that I hoped he was having a lovely time in Spain. He listened to the message but has not responded yet (sent message last night). He is not the type to message every day and especially when he’s busy…
I might be overthinking it and the main reason is that an ex broke up with me 2 years ago after doing a slow fade over the Festive holidays (we had been dating for 3 months as well) saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and I am scared history is repeating itself…
Is it normal at the beginning of a relationship to be so nonchalant for a man or is he distancing himself?
Anderson
On a scale of red flags to normal, this would be 8/10 normal based on a few factors.
But the truth is even though it’s 8/10 normal there is no way you will ever know for sure. And so your goal should be to ease your anxiety. The slow fade is my anxiety too. More specifically, my biggest fear is someone falling out of love with me, _while_ secretly courting someone else, _while_ making me feel that everything’s normal and using me as a placeholder. I’d much rather be broken up with bluntly and instantly. I’d probably (emphasis on probably) even rather walk in on being cheated on. Because all of those are instant and something I can immediately walk away from, instead of the slow torture of uncertainty and not knowing and strung along.
Sometimes if there is a sincere and fulfilling encounter/chat with your partner before a period of low/no contact, it can be very comforting and ease the anxieties for a good while. Other times mentioning the anxiety to a partner helps too as they can be aware of it and be supportive, even if mildly (though this solution may not work with all relationship/intimacy types). I like to challenge my own suspicions, and trust my gut.
It looks like in your case you are already aware of the reasons for your paranoia though, and said it yourself that you might be overthinking. And I’d agree with you :-)
Newbie
I agree with Andersons outline that this looks normal but it doesnt mean he wont fade out anyway. Lots of relationships dont get passed the 3 month mark because guys suddenly dont see it going long term. Its something you should also have in your mind. I assume he comes back and you meet up again. Go with that but i think a talk about whats next should be on the table soon if he doesnt make it clear he wants to be a couple. The exclusive but not together phase fits the first stage but after 3 months deserves a follow up
Anderson
Your advice is more fitting and sound compared to mine based on how long they’ve been together
Elvira
Hi Chloe – I agree with the others that this is really out of your control. I wish you would have not sent him that message with what you were doing, there is no reason for you to tell him anything. Three months is not a long time and unfortunately it is the period of “do I want to continue with this person”. All hope is not lost as long as your attitude changes regarding the slow fade…We are living in a time where “ghosting” is the norm but it doesn’t mean you anticipate it, you have to “not care” because at 3 months you should be asking yourself “is this the guy I want to continue seeing or do I want something else?”. Take control of your own wants and do not give him all the control. He is on vacation for the holidays so let him be and you enjoy your holidays and see this as an opportunity to have some time on your own or with friends. When he returns let him seek you….and do not be so available if his actions do not add up from here on. Make him come after you because you want someone who deserves your attention.
Chloe
Thank you for taking the time to respond and it’s reassuring to hear that it is pretty normal and that I might be overthinking it. He’s never left me “on read” before so I can’t help but feel something is off.
Ironically the guy who slow faded me two years ago has gotten in touch a couple of days ago – go figure, Haha!
He has initiated 99% of messages and dates since we met so I felt that after 3 months it has to be a two-way street and sending a message wouldn’t harm and would show that I’m thinking about him.
I will of course let him be now, I’ve never double texted a man and feel like I have done my part, if he wants to be in touch he will, otherwise that’s my answer. Tomorrow is NYE so I will soon know if he still cares a little or not…
I care, I’m not in love yet, but I do like everything he’s shown me so far and he seems to have the qualities of a good man.
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