Interaction has changed with boyfriend

Things might go back to the way there were but you got to stop complaining to him about how he is not doing things right (in your eyes). No one wants to be complained to, especially on the phone. This is who he is and you can’t change him. Plus, it’s only been a couple of months. You are still getting to know each other. If he doesn’t meet your needs, move on.

You need to be his soft place to fall. (I think that phrase might even b used in some articles in this very dating site?)

These amazing ladies are giving you great advice,, I hope you read their posts a few times over.

He’s trying — even if everything was going great, that job schedule is ROUGH — on him, on his loved ones, on life in general. I work for a wellness company and from what I know… shift work is a HUGE health risk factor. Give him space, work on yourself, and maybe you’ll both find a rhythm. <3

But I wholeheartedly agree that you need to work through your remnants of your last relationship regardless of your current one. Stop taking it out on him, it honestly sounds like he’s doing the best he can (kudos to you for being as honest as you can about it).

Thank you all for the feedback. I do appreciate it and went back and read my old post/the responses as well. I also took a little bit of time to think on it and there’s some additional information to share regarding the relationship, my current bf, and my past relationship.

Anon: I do think you make good points. I have communicated with him about my needs and I do think he is doing his best to be true to himself and still meet my needs. I’m sure I come off clingy and needy and have come off more that way towards him. I do not believe he is coming from a place of not being that into me or caring about the relationship, because he has demonstrated in several ways that he cares. He’s called and texted more frequently, he’s stayed on the phone for hours a few times discussing issues I’ve brought up (he says the emotional problem talks are like the worst thing to him, but he stays on the phone sometimes late at night to make sure they are resolved), he comes down to my house to take me out to dinner or back to spend time with him, he generally asks about my day and if I mention I have any issue like a headache or something bothering me, he always follows up later to ask if I am feeling better. I’m into pro sports especially my NBA team and he’s not super big into sports, but last night I drove up to his place and he took me out for wings and sat there and watched the whole game with me. He was focused on watching it even when I went to use the restroom and truly making an effort. It is because of that and other efforts he’s made in the relationship that I truly believe he cares and I care for him for a variety of reasons. I realize it is soon after my previous relationship to be in another one and I feel like if I share some more details it would make more sense.

My last relationship went on for almost 3 years. There were multiple breakups and they all were in the heat of the moment/spontaneous and initiated by my ex. After both of the first two breakups, my ex apologized and begged for me to come back a few months later. I really shouldn’t have especially multiple times, but I always allowed his rough childhood be an excuse and figured we could work through things and I cared for him a lot. This last breakup was the worst and done over the holidays and dragged out over weeks of being given the silent treatment. I realize I am not completely over everything that happened, but just realize I was dealing with this in December and during the previous breakups as well..like this isn’t my first time getting over him and he seems to contact me once I have spent time getting over him.

I got on a dating app as more of a distraction than anything in February. I am not someone who wants or can handle hookups well. I figured I could talk and get to know people slowly and see what happened. I matched with my current bf and one thing I haven’t shared is that my bf and I actually talked on a dating app a few years ago and had matched before. This was in between my previous 2 relationships. We never went out in person back then but he definitely had qualities I was looking for in a person long term and we had good conversations. Not too long into us matching and exchanging phone numbers, he stopped talking to me. Nothing weird had happened and no plans were canceled. I remember being frustrated but just letting it go figuring he had met someone else. I later learned he had started dating a girl he’d known for a few years that he’d been friends with first. I matched with him on the app again and we talked but I didn’t think much of it. In one of our early conversations he called me out in a polite way and said he wanted to get to know me but he wasn’t sure I wanted to get to know him since I was sending short one or two word answers. I was honest with him and spoke to him about that I was dealing with issues trying to get the rest of my things moved from my ex’s place and about him stopping talking to me before. He didn’t additionally remember me, but shared the details of how he had started dating that girl and it turned into an off and on relationship for two years. Similar to my situation his ex was the one always calling things off and begging back. He was really supportive about what I was going through with moving and changes in my life, so we shared a significant early bond. That led to us being able to have really great conversations and we were really open with each other. Those conversations and text messages meant a lot to me because I realized we wanted so many of the same things and I could be open with him. It led to the conversations and texts I missed having that this original post was about. It made me feel close to him even when he is busy with work or we can’t see each other in person for a few days. I have other things in my life that are important and I’m not trying to come across as weak or clingy.

Penny: I agree. I don’t always want to be complaining to him and I don’t want to change him. Any changes or evolutions he makes in himself need to be his own doing and because of his desire to do so. That being said, he is trying to improve on his weak points in order to be a better man and a better partner. He admitted to not being good about checking his phone at times and being a bit of a flake when it came to plans and has made significant efforts in both areas.

That brings about more that is important to consider in this situation. My boyfriend and I come from very different relationship backgrounds. His most serious relationship happened from high school to early college which was several years ago. His most recent relationship was a long distance one (his ex lived in his home state) and it’s the only other relationship he’s had since being in this kind of job. His ex was always breaking things off, regularly leaving her phone off even when they weren’t ok, their communication was off and on, and they rarely saw each other. All in all, he admits he stayed in the situation way too long and it is the total opposite of our relationship. He’s never lived with a girlfriend before or been engaged and married. I’m the first woman he’s given his apartment key. He admits he is learning to be in a more serious relationship and adjusting to seeing/talking to someone more frequently. I think we have both made solid efforts when it has come to seeing each other.

Liz: I definitely I agree that I have been overthinking things. Also that having so many talks could kill a budding relationship. It was never really my intention to do so in the first place. I realize now I could have just said something to him in a conversation like I really appreciated how he’s been so supportive of me in the relationship, especially early on and that I value our flirty banter and being able to talk with him with no inhibitions. It could have been a positive appreciation thing instead of a psychological talk. You are accurate that at times I have been better at considering his needs than others. I try to do things to show I care and be there for him like taking out the trash or doing his laundry when I stay over with him, so he can relax after work. I think you are correct on the pet names too..at any rate someone should say them when they feel comfortable.

This brings me to another point. I think a large part of this that has thrown me off so to speak is that in going from one committed relationship to another relatively quickly, that I was used to being in that later stage of a relationship with my ex, whereas even though we have developed a lot in our relationship for a short amount of time, my current bf and I just haven’t been together that long. I went from living with someone and planning every meal together, seeing that person every day, planning a future together etc. to a new relationship with a guy who is a totally different kind of person. In a lot of ways it’s great. My boyfriend is extremely ambitious, has money saved, and has spoken about wanting to be the husband and provider for a family. We have already had discussions about the type of house we would both like to get and places to live..he has mentioned he can see that future with me. He’s also used to focusing a lot of attention on his job and is completely self sufficient. I don’t want to compare the two, but my ex was the opposite. He had some good qualities and we spent a lot of time together, but he didn’t have much of a work ethic and we lived together so the relationship functioned completely differently.

mama: Thanks for your kind words and support! <3 I believe he is trying based on his actions and the effort he makes for us/me especially with the schedule he has. It cannot be easy and he showed me a lot of care and affection in person last night. I think we can find the rhythm you mentioned, especially if I relax about the relationship and work on myself..which is what I was doing when we met. I especially agree the point that you made…stop taking it out on him what happened in the last relationship. He’s his own person and someone else’s actions are not his fault, nor does he deserved to be compared to anyone.

I did relax and things went well last night. I will refrain from the talks and focus on the present in the relationship! In order to minimize that anxiety and just to have something in mind, I did have a couple of questions… He is off the rest of this week and starts his new shift Tuesday. He will be temporarily working in a neighboring state for a couple of weeks and it will be on night shift, so he might be harder to get a hold of. He also invited me to come visit him on one of the weekends and stay at the hotel up there, just needs to find out more details. As I mentioned before, I am more of a planner..he makes plans more spontaneously. He’s indicated that he will see me this weekend/before he goes but hasn’t mentioned any plans of which day yet. Also a girlfriend invited me to hang out saturday. Normally, I wouldn’t try to make all the plans around my guy, but since he works two weeks straight after this and will be out of state..it’s a factor. I don’t want to come off clingy, so maybe give him tonight and some of tomorrow to mention plans and if not, I could just say something like “Did you come up with anything you’d like to do together this weekend?” Or would you say something different?

The other question(s) I had involved reaching out to him/balance in the relationship. Since we are in a relationship now, I assume it’s healthy to call or text him first sometimes? I can still let him do it more often. I guess I just want to show interest, but keep him interested. I want to work on myself and show him that I am confident in myself and in the relationship. Do you have any suggestions in how to do that or what works in your own relationships?

Amy, you really need to stop complaining, and nagging him so much. This kind of ‘talk’ is not what excites a man but will turn them off quickly if they can’t do anything right. Men, in the beginning, will go the extra mile to woo a woman over but once in a relationship they simply cannot sustain that type of wooing long-term. The relationship period is when you should be feeling confident, safe, and secure in the relationship that you don’t need or require your man to constantly validate you—that would be too exhausting!

A man’s primary purpose will always be their career! If a woman cannot support the man in that endeavor he will find one who will. The fact is, you knew going in what his schedule would be like, yet you put your blinders on, and ignored it. Now that its become reality, the blinders have come off, you don’t like it, and your dislike of it is now creating too much tension in the relationship.

I get it. I was married to a military man who was gone a lot! But, I understood going in that it could happen, and when it happened I didn’t harp on him, or make him feel bad or guilty when there were times we couldn’t talk for one or several weeks (before VM, cell and internet)! I allowed him to do his mission by managing the homefront so he didn’t have to worry about us. That is the type of support a man NEEDS, and when he comes home he will double down (go the extra mile) to show you how appreciative he is of your support! The moment you stop, is when the relationship starts going downhill, because he feels unsupported.

My current partner goes out to sea for several months, and I have never once made him feel bad or guilty about it. In fact, I’ve always been his biggest supporter, and by doing so he feels so safe that he NATURALLY contacts me, two times a day, because I don’t complain or nag him. 4.5 years later we are still in our ‘honeymoon phase’ :o)

About your questions. You still seem very anxious to me and like you’re overthinking things. Another poster commented that this is the honeymoon period– that’s so true. This should be the best part of your relationship, the easiest and least anxiety-provoking. I really think you did yourself a disservice by jumping into another relationship so quickly, within a month of another serious relationship ending. But whatever.

If you’re in a relationship I think it’s fine to initiate calling/texting with your boyfriend. In the situation you describe, where he’s leaving next Tuesday to work out of state for several weeks– I think it would be fine to hit him up and tell him you want to see him before he leaves town, but you need to plan your weekend and want to make sure you make time to see him. I’m also a planner, and my bf is not. So that’s what I would do. You don’t have to sit around and wait for him to tell you when he wants to see you, especially if a girlfriend wants to make plans with you. You can take the initiative. Just my two cents.

Just a quick observation: Your sheer volume of words when you post means you have a lot of time and obsession on your hands. And we can kind of see into why you’re a handful for your man.

Have you thought about going to see a therapist/counselor (in person)? If it’s safe for you to do so (covid restrictions etc), I really do think just having a professional to bounce all your huge energy off of will help you in the long run. I did this in the beginning of my relationship so I wouldn’t do it towards the boyfriend and it’s been amazingly helpful.

Our partners aren’t our do-all/end-all. They are our PARTNERS. We enjoy time with them, set mutual goals/dreams, and work on these things together but in a way that each can also sustain themselves individually. You are not one-half of a whole, you are one WHOLE person coming together with another WHOLE person.

Work on your whole person.

One simple question for you, if you can answer it, you’ll have solved your concern: why on earth would you be with someone who gets irritated or doesn’t like to be cuddled while cooking? This shows incompatibility and you are trying hard for someone who is not a match. You are affectionate, work normal hours have steady schedule, he is not affectionate (from the way you’re describing his reactions), works unconventional hours and has less free time, so again my point. Do u see this long term? Logically no, so please put yourself first and emotions aside for some time. Let him step up his game if he wants you in his life. If he doesn’t, it’s a win for you. Opens the door for someone you will welcome your cuddles while cooking and wouldn’t bring it up as a point of irritation. Your relationship is one sided. He just gets emotional support from you, someone to listen to him without giving. Life is too short for this. You deserve someone who cares to meet you halfway. Cut ties with him, this is toxic for you and painful.