I was lied to and manipulated for months, how do I move on from this? Help!


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This topic contains 3 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Tammy 1 hour, 53 minutes ago.

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  • #935500 Reply

    Pearl

    I’ve been lurking on this forum for a while and I read a post about a guy who lied about having a girlfriend And I related to it a lot, which inspired me to post her if I could get some help on how to get over this.

    I don’t want to go into much details of the situation because it’s practically useless at this point.
    However, I have been dating this man for 8 months now and I felt like I’ve never been treated better. He was good at communicating, he cared for me and was attentive.
    I’ve only really had bad relationships and being used by men , I’ve never had any man care deeply for me the way he did, so I thought. There were some questionable things about him but I felt like he did every other thing right so I ignored.

    He always called, texted, was all over me and even days when I wasn’t available he acted like I was really the only one he could talk to, he seemed very into me so I never thought differently.
    Fast forward to last week, I saw a post somewhere about checking the following list of the men you date and the pictures they like, I was confident in him and felt it was stalky so I never did this before even though we follow each other on all socials. I then find an instagram page of a girl he told me is her ex, I recognized the name so I check her posts and stories, turns out they never broke up. She still posts about him, but he doesn’t really post about her. I keep digging and then connected the dots and realise he is actually casually talk and possible dating other women even though he said he wasn’t. I didn’t confront him but I started thinking back to everything he has said, the way he behaved and all then and realised how much he had manipulated me and made me cut off all other romantic interests in my life, lied basically about everything. He had also told me I shouldn’t always be hanging around men and all that but he follows 90 percent girls on social media and every time he follows a new person, its always a girl.I was obviously blinded by how nice and caring he was to me and never tried to look at the wrong things about him.

    Just a few days ago, I casually mentioned how he said he didn’t want other men around me, he then tells me he is not stopping me from dating other men since we are not in an official relationship and that he realises he was wrong to tell me not to entertain other men.

    We then had a fight and he said he didn’t want to talk about it now and will call me this weekend so we can sort it out after we have both cooled off, we also had an argument over this cause I told him it didn’t made sense to wait or cool off before we talk about it but then I eventually agreed that he should call me this weekend. I know the weekend is not over yet but he hasn’t called and I wonder if he has ghosted me as well.
    I did not confront him yet cause I did not want him to further manipulate me or lie to convince me, I know I should have blocked him immediately but I think I’m attached to him cause when I found out I was mad about it all but the moment he texted me I forgot everything and was just happy to talk to him.
    I kept thinking about it and connected all the dots to his lies and schemes and I felt like I will confront him when he calls but I guess not.

    At the moment I don’t know what I am doing, I feel like I have lost myself. I feel terrible and it’s as if the little confidence and self worth I had left me. I feel used and I’m sinking into a depressive state that I don’t want to be in. I’ve cried myself to sleep the last 3 days and I just can’t believe this is happening.

    I would appreciate some advice on how to heal, to move on after being lied to and manipulated, how do I not give in incase he eventually calls me. How do I pick myself up again?

    #935502 Reply

    M

    Hi Pearl,
    You will pick yourself up again because you’re already doing it without even realising it.

    Reading what you write, I hate that you’ve been treated like this and I’m deeply sorry you had to go through this.

    You know what’s really cool and powerful about you though? You’re really connecting all the dots again and again and you know that this guys a loser and waster. And every time those old feelings of attachment arise, you remind yourself how unworthy he is of your love and kindness and respect. Of how you deserve so much more!

    He totally played you and of course you feel hurt and disrespected and angry about this. This is normal and right, It’s okay to cry and let the emotion out. It’s how you process this unfair chapter in your life and you let him go. Fully, completely and forever.

    What maybe you’re just beginning to realise is, you’re actually getting savvier and smarter in picking up on shady characters like this. Can you see this yet? You definitely definitely are. That’s why you already recognise the futility of even speaking to him now or trying to get closure from him.

    It sounds like he lovebombed you, and the only good thing about this is now you know full-on and fresh, exactly what this feels like and looks like. You may not have recognised it before, but this time, you can see things more clearly. You can process what’s happened and see it with wiser and stronger eyes now.

    From now on, you’ll pay attention to those little things that you ignored this last time round. And now in the future, you’ll do your homework because this practice guy has confirmed to you that the way a person shows up on social media tells you a lot about who they are.

    It’s not stalkerish to be thorough, do the background checks, and assess whether this persons values matches yours or not.

    It’s wise and smart and safe for you to trust your instincts, even if what’s presented to you on the face of it is golden. Now you’ve learnt in a new way, that not everything that shines is gold.

    You’re doing absolutely great Pearl, I promise you. This is a right of passage all of us kind-hearted women have to go through. You stand in good company my friend. So, Yes keep processing and learning from this experience.

    And I know it doesn’t feel like it, but this fool has given you a gift.

    He has shown you that you should never trust the mask. That charm and smoothness certain guys show you in the beginning. It’s okay and right to dig deeper and see what’s behind that mask – that actually almost everyone puts on in the early stages anyway, even the good guys!

    Your job is to find out who lives behind the mask.

    You can’t see it yet, but you are actually further along on the path to finding real genuine pure love and connection with a reliable genuine sincere and trustworthy man than ever before.

    Keep being kind to yourself. Eat a little ice-cream or whatever your guilty pleasure is. Indulge in some special me-time and then allow yourself to be in the company of those family and friends who genuinely do love and care deeply about you and support you.

    You will begin to see that there is so much in this world that is wonderful and beautiful and to be looked forward to with joyful anticipation. That your future holds great light and excitement and love, and just beyond the horizon, even though you can’t see them yet, all your most cherished beautiful heartfelt dreams are just waiting to come magically sparkling true.

    Here’s what’s really important Pearl – never let anyone or anything take away your ability to dream and to believe in the beauty of who you are.

    You have a special future still ahead of you. There are goals that you have yet to achieve, people you have yet to meet and wonders you have yet to enjoy.

    Work on yourself and your dreams. Let your energy go into you being the best version of you this world has ever seen. That even you’ve ever seen! You are so much more capable and brilliant than you could ever realise.

    Whether other people see it or not, it’s time for you to see it. You know I’m right – when you look back over your life, there have been so many times when despite adversity and challenge, you picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and rose higher and went after your successes with even more determination and grit and focus and energy than ever before.

    You’re the kind of person that learns from their experiences and uses them to do immense good in the world, for yourself and others.

    I can tell from the things you say that you have a beautiful noble heart that treats people as you want to be treated. Let that heart heal you now from the inside out.

    You already have everything you need within you to live a good and beautiful life, one resplendent with all the successes in life you work hard to achieve.

    Wait and see, great and even greater things await you. Personal successes, work achievements and beautiful new kind-hearted friends.

    And one day you’ll meet a man who when the mask falls off, you develop a deep genuine connection with because he lives life with the same beautiful values and heart as yourself.

    You’ve got this.

    #935507 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Rule to live by: if you are not boyfriend and girlfriend, you are single. Behave accordingly, always.

    #935531 Reply

    Tammy

    Agree with tall spicy! You guys were never offcial, so he wasnt really cheating you. On hindsight we realise that we got fooled bec we ignored all the red flags. If aftr learnin about him you still wana talk to him, shows that you need to work on yourslf. Its easy to alwys blame the men but we need to be smart as well..you need to be a little more careful and discerning.. dont beat urslf up. You learnt from this. Nxt time dnt be so gullible, dont ignore ur instincts and dismissive of red flags.

    Hey pls stop crying! You learnt from this. Dust urslf up and move on. We all hv made this mistake. U dont need him.

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