"I love you" during sex

Maury John (or anyone else who wants to jump in here!), one more question I’d love to ask you:

What’s your feeling about the age difference when you are out together?

One reason I kind of gravitated toward just hanging out on our own as opposed to actually going out on dates is that when we WERE going out in public I got the sense that he was a little self-conscious about the age difference and the idea that people might be looking at or judging him/us. I personally was proud to be out with him (he’s hot, he’s great, we have so much fun) but I’m pretty oblivious to what other people might be saying/thinking. But for him he seemed to be quite aware of it – for instance he would start to get all romantic and hold my hand and kiss me but then would suddenly look around and look kind of panicked and say, “I don’t want to be THAT GUY.”

I know it was mostly just his own self-consciousness but honestly it kind of felt like he was embarrassed to be with me or even to like me. It felt like he would go from being really glad to be with me to embarrassed to be with me, and as much as I tried not to let it get to me it did hurt my feelings a tiny bit – I wanted him to be as happy to be with me as I was to be out with him! It was subtle but I felt like going out in public was stressful for him – before this he had mostly dated women his own age or older and I felt like he was very acutely aware of the judgments people might be making.

(I am guilty of this too – I don’t worry about strangers too much but I do know my family would be very judgmental and maybe not at all nice to him because of it, so I can hardly imagine introducing him without dreading the hurtful things they might say, no matter how much I prepped them. Obviously their acceptance or not has nothing to do with the relationship itself but I do get the self-consciousness thing and wanting to be protected from judgment)

In many ways I feel like it’s similar to any kind of unconventional relationship (people of different ages, religion, race, cultural, educational or economic backgrounds, or of very different physical size, or same-sex and queer relationships) that doesn’t fit the normative vision of what a good relationship should look like – people are going to make judgments regardless and you either decide it’s a dealbreaker for you (because it’s just too difficult) or you just decide to get over it.

I’m not sure if I jumped the gun by taking his initial moments of discomfort so personally. I figured if dating in public was going to be so uncomfortable for him than we should just make it more of a private and sex-oriented thing. He is extremely consistent in showing deep interest in me as a person in our conversations, but I guess I just assumed he was too embarrassed of me and the fact that I was much younger to want to keep taking me out in public, so I sort of suggested that we just spend time on our own and focus on sex. As it is it’s a great relationship and I’m totally fine with continuing to date other guys to find my “real” bf if that’s not what he’s interested in being (again, with the passive-aggressive (??) encouraging me to meet other guys and then still wanting confirmation that I like him the best after my other dates I’m not totally sure what he’s getting at – space to figure myself out because he doesn’t trust that I’m old enough or experienced enough for my feelings for him to be lasting or real? Or just a way of maintaining some distance in the relationship?) but I guess for honesty and integrity’s sake I would like to find some way to indicate that I’d be OPEN to dating him, that I do appreciate him for more than just sex, and really adore him as a person as well. It’s just an odd situation because he’s exclusive with me but I’m not with him – not that I wouldn’t consider it but I wouldn’t do it unless we were actually in a relationship in a more defined way. Also I think he really gets off on me being a bit of a whore and then always being the one to claim me in the end.

I’m not sure if I’m pushing away the possibility of a great relationship by keeping the emphasis on sex and continuing to date other guys without (explicitly) expressing interest in anything but sex (we talk about all kinds of things but at the end of the day I’m pretty careful to convey that my interest is strictly sexual, just because I don’t want to be putting any unwarranted pressure on the relationship – and also to be honest I think I’m a little afraid of dating someone I have such a strong emotional and sexual connection with – the other guys I date I have much more of a take-it-or-leave-it attitude – ie it’s fun but if it ended it wouldn’t really affect me too much, because it’s just not that substantial in the first place. Whereas with this guy the sexual connection is so powerful and fulfilling that I DONT want to lose the sexual relationship or even risk its loss for the possibility of something more. It’s so good as it is – I just can’t quite tell if this is the ideal form of our relationship for him or if he’s accepting the limited relationship I’m offering because he thinks it’s all he can realistically get.

Would love to find a way to open the door to more IF that’s something he’s interested in. My instinct is to just let it be what it is, without having a big talk about it (just because those always seem so completely counterproductive). Not sure how much the age thing (or his perception that I’m still to young to know what I really want, and therefore the fact that he can’t fully trust me when I say I would choose him) is getting to him, or if we’re just meant to have a fantastic sexual relationship and I should just stop worrying about the other stuff and continue to assume that there’s no bf potential there and that my future “real” relationship would be with someone else (hopefully someone equally fantastic, but not him).

I know this is a bit meandering and stream of consciousness – sorry!!! Would love your thoughts :-)

Maury John, thanks so much!! This is really helpful.

I think maybe I overreacted to his initial apprehension about being out in public together, and maybe took it way too personally – I hated feeling like he was embarrassed or self-conscious about being with me so I just immediately suggested we keep it strictly sexual (I think so as not to feel rejected by his embarrassment, and I never had to feel that when it was just the two of us together). Most of the time I felt like he was completely in the moment with me, but those momentary bursts where I felt like he didn’t want to be seen with me or was worried about what people would say – I think I maybe took it to heart to much and made it too much about me and let myself be wounded by it really deeply. In retrospect I wish I had been able to be a little more detached and understanding about the whole situation and given us both space to get comfortable with the potential awkwardness and laugh it off rather than taking it so seriously and calling off the whole dating aspect because of it. I think I just didn’t want to feel humiliated and rejected, it was just too painful, even though I absolutely LOVE spending time with him outside of sex as well.

And maybe I have exacerbated the misunderstanding by showing him very clearly that I’m happy to date other guys (who tend to be more or less my age, but not always) but only being interested in sex with him….

Really well said Anna. I think you and MJ’s partners are very lucky to have you. Both of you are ” sound as a pound” ( really nice people). BOTH of you.. don’t sweat the age thing… life is Soooo precious and short. Enjoy the time you have.

WELL.. it just HAS to get better. It can’t get any worse.I think I’ve just lost about all I could, except my health, thank God.. so .. the only way is UP ! I am off to Germany next weekend to flirt my ass off !