This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Raven 2 months, 2 weeks ago.
November 30, 2023 at 10:22 pm #943173
I 38(f) checked my 50(m) texts messages on his computer while he was out of town. I feel so awful doing it, but I did find some messages of him trying to date other woman while we were dating.
We met in 2020, became exclusive quick, only to find out he was still on dating apps. Because of low self esteem, I stayed and tried to make it work. Finally i assumed he was dating too many people behind my back and ended it. We got back together a few weeks later, although did not really define what we were until later. Since then, I have had the suspicion he talks with other women behind my back, or acts single.
Tonight, in a moment of weakness, I checked his messages to see if he was messaging anyone while he was away. I went down a rabbit whole and found out he had talked to a few and met up with some as recently as last year. I am so hurt by this.
We currently live together and things are going great, but I get insecure often. Before he left he had mentioned how he went for lunch a year or so ago with a girl getting used to date. I found the messages, it was last summer and he clearly never told her about me.
I am so torn, part of me is angry because I thought we were solid last summer… clearly not.
My counsellor says I should let him know how i can get insecure over past things… without accusing since we are in a great spot…. I fear bow because I found something I know how easy it is to keep looking…. I do not know what to do. I am so hurt, but feel so guilty for lookingNovember 30, 2023 at 10:55 pm #943174
Don’t waste time with guilt and hurt feelings. You checked his messages because your intuition correctly knows what he’s really doing behind your back. Apparently your self-esteem is still extremely low since you’re still there.
Sorry to tell you but you are NOT in a “great spot.” You’ve still got your head buried in a dream of the perfect relationship and you do not want to see the truth. This guy is a liar and serial cheater. He isn’t going to stop. For all you know he’s doing it now. Even if he isn’t, he will again at some point. Do you want to live with a cheater the rest of your life? You want to marry a guy like this??
I think your counselor has this wrong about how to handle. And you are NOT “insecure”. You’re bothered by someone cheating on you, that’s not insecurity if you are supposed to be in a mutually agreed upon monogamous relationship. Honestly – you’re gaslighting yourself into believing you’re wrong for feeling this way. You’ve already wasted too much time you can’t get back trying to make it work with this two-timer.
Get a counselor who can support you in deciding to leave and making a plan so you can get out. If you confront him, he will deny what he’s doing and then you’ll really feel bad. You have the solid proof. But trust me, he will try to twist it around on you if you confront him. Liars very rarely cop to what they’re doing. Make your plan to leave and then one day you calmly tell him you’re leaving. You don’t argue, you just go. Guys like this do not ever change. Sorry this is happening to you.December 1, 2023 at 1:00 am #943175
I’m sorry you are in this spot, and it’s not the “good spot” you think it is though. No matter what the situation, it’s a terrible feeling to have been lied to. But, rationalizing things are going good with just this “one little exception” is you doing a disservice to yourself. If anything, this shows you how duplicitous he is. That he can cheat, yet come home to you and act like all is peachy.
Now is not the time for you to feel guilty. He is the guilty one. Why are you feeling guilty for confirming his cheating? You are correct that it’s easy to go down a deeper hole with looking further. It’s not easy, but just stop now. You know what you need to know. You don’t need more information to pile on the hurt, or worse, to use more proof of his cheating to craft some story to yourself to explain away why he does what he does.
Now is the time to decide your future. I don’t agree with your counselor. Having a discussion with him and saying you are insecure about past events lets him off the hook and in a position to gaslight you that Y
you are the problem, not his cheating.
100% agree with the advice from AngieBaby. Make an exit plan and follow through with it. I’ve made the mistake myself thinking that if I just had an adult, calm conversation about a guy’s cheating behavior that he would also be adult and calm. Wrong. You can’t reason with a cheater and a liar. Your good intention quickly turns into a useless and degrading exercise of futility where he either denies everything or you are told you are the reason. If you do this and fall for his lies, he will know he can treat you however he wants. He won’t bother putting on an act of being in a “good spot”. Do you want that? A liar will always lie, especially when you hand him the power position. What your counselor is suggesting is just that, handing him the power position on a sliver platter. Being adult and calm is the way to go when you are telling him you are done because you will not tolerate being cheated on and lied to, not hoping to appeal to some side of him that doesn’t exist. A man who behaves like him only understands one thing – that you are done with him and his lies are powerless on you.
Stand your ground. If you don’t, you will be the one allowing the mistreatment.December 1, 2023 at 11:59 am #943180
Amen to all of that KK! And I would add one thing – when you find clear evidence of cheating by checking someone’s phone or computer, never ever admit to that person how you found it. That gives them ammo to get all righteously indignant that you invaded their privacy and they will make themselves out to the victim of your snooping. It sucks that you feel you have to check their devices but you were right to check because they are lying to you about their activities. Your partner sneaking around with other women is information you have a right to know. So don’t feel guilty for checking, be grateful your intuition prompted you to do it. What’s both hilarious and pathetic is how they will emphatically deny their activities and make up all kinds of other lies to make you back down but you know the truth because you saw it in writing. That’s all matters. You saw enough evidence for which there is no other possible explanation.
Sadly, you knew from early on what he is but went on with him and ignored it. I hope you will be willing to see the truth and the light now and leave.December 1, 2023 at 12:05 pm #943181
I think you need a new counselor. One that will help you build some self-esteem so you can leave. One that will help you understand why you think you deserve a relationship with someone who is so disrespectful of your trust.
Hopefully once you understand more about yourself, your worth and learn how to be kind to yourself, you won’t make the same choice again. You deserve a relationship that involves trust, support, and respect. You will not get that with this man.December 10, 2023 at 5:44 am #943216
Why did you look through his phone and mails.. what in your gut made you think to search it? Now I asked this because I’m thinking it could be past traumas you’ve experienced.. it’s not normal behaviour something to work on there.
If you was to admit this to him he will think you’re going through his privacy! And would blame this on you for getting caught!! Which in a man’s brain will indicate to him that you’re insecure or he has the upper hand over you etc.. So there for what you’re looking for you often find.
The thing here is that you guys are not married he should be living with you without solid commitments or engagement men take this very serious when it comes to dating there dream woman ask yourself are you his dream woman?
There is alot of red flags in this relationship I feel that he is using you. You’re to kind and vulnerable he can get away with anything with you and lives with you. He isn’t sure about what he wants and that’s fine he doesn’t need to be in your presence meantime but it’s what you allow.
I find it strange you have kept this secret from him for sometime I can imagine how this is tearing you apart inside and hurting you alot.
The best solution is to tell him you need space get rid he is using you and manipulating. Unless you guys get married and make it official
Hope it goes wellDecember 10, 2023 at 9:32 am #943218
Marrying this guy will not solve your problems!