I let my emotions rule… Darn it!

Lylah, reading your first post I thought wow you’ve got a keeper there – he sounds lovely! He sounds very into you!

I disagree with some of the posters saying he should have included you after 4 months. That’s ridiculous IMO. I think you handled it brilliantly and I understand why you were hurt. BUT in my own case I have priorities at Xmas and NY with my family that would not change with a new BF of just a few months. If it was next year and we’d been together over a year that’s different. But I have my plans and that’s what I would keep if I was in a new relationship.

From his point of view he probably feels the same. Again I disagree with other posters who believe things should be ‘locked down’ by the three month mark. I think that’s too prescriptive and you cannot put a timeline on when X or Y should happen in a new relationship when you are dealing with unique people who all have different personalities, priorities, views, circumstances, approaches – how can you EVER say what will happen when two unique human beings come together? It is what it is, and he has made it clear to you that he likes you, he doesn’t want to be rushed (that is GOOD imo) and that everything is OKAY.

I think you should just relax, if you can, and let him come to you. I am sure he will because literally from reading your OP my instant thought was, he likes you! A lot!

Ps… He just sent me the sweetest next this morning and thanking me for calling last night. Progress lol

I would sit back and see what he does.

I disagree, Sass. Yes, if he had plans with family that might be different. But this man made plans with FRIENDS. So what reason could he have for leaving out Lylah who is supposedly a friend and a GF?

I don’t like what he did. It’s up to Lylah on how to proceed.

Lylah, I dont think you answered when I last asked: Is he an official BF? Or are you just dating these last 4 months?

I have to say I agree completely with Sass, as I feel the same way. My bestest of best gf’s and I have new years plans and I made those plans with them a few months ago, even though I was in a new relationship with my bf. I’m NOT going to make my best friends sit on the back burner while I wait to see if all works out well with my bf cuz I might want to spend it with him lol. To me, that’s just rude to my friends who have invested into this friendship with me for YEARS! Like I said, there will be future holidays which my bf and I can spend together and my friends then could join, or we join them, whichever. But right now, because it’s so new, its totally ok.

Lylah, see! He was probably waiting for you to reach out to him when YOU were ready. And had you not called him, you’d still be in this limbo guessing game, writing on post on here stating how upset you are feeling because you haven’t heard from him and then analyzing a false reality. LOL. Just by reaching out and communicating you’ve cleared it up and you got your sweet text and he’s quite thankful that you called. He’s probably feeling just as relieved as you are, it’s just that men don’t show it like we do. :)

ONE THING THOUGH! From here on, DROP the issue that happened. Don’t even bring it up again, don’t even hint it. Because you already told him that it’s “ok” and that you don’t want something like that to ruin you guys, so now you have to walk that talk. IF you bring it up, even in an innocent manner such as, “Hey, I really hope we are still okay. I don’t want what happened to affect us anymore” You’re only going to trigger him again and bring him back to that day. Just forget it happened and move forward. Now if HE brings it up on his own, then that’s the only exception to speak about it and you should be cool about it, like “Hey, it’s OK! :) ” Men need to see actions.

This is just my opinion and it’s worked VERY well with my bf.

What makes this site great is you will get different points of view. This post is a classic case. I can see where everyone is coming from. At the end of it, it’s up to you Lylah because only you know him and only you have to live with him or without him.

So happy to hear that Lylah. Like i assured you, men are very simple creatures. They tend to mean what they say.

The reason I’m not such a fan of the “he’s not into you, move on” advice being given ALL THE TIME (there are some cases where yes, really- he just isn’t into a girl), is because I myself have seen so many different types of guys and they all respond differently to things.

Sharing with you a classic example– I outpoured emotionally on a a guy and made him feel rly bad. He texted and asked me if I thought we should both take some space as it would do us some good. When I first read the text, I was totally calm because instinctively I knew him and I knew that all he meant was– let’s let things calm down (he hates confrontation and is a very mild guy). But I let people get into my head. I let them tell me that “space” is code for break-up and it’s his way of blowing me off/ letting me down easy. I drove myself nuts. Finally we spoke and I asked him what he meant. He said “i just felt it all got too intense so I thought space would give us time to calm down and sort our heads out”. Then he wanted to go back to being as per normal.

Trust your instincts. Use the advice judiciously. And I disagree with people saying you made the wrong decision in calling him. What women forget is that men get nervous too. When we get upset at them, they think “oh crap, I’m not making her happy. I’ve done something wrong” and then they feel horrible too. How they react after that depends on each guy and you know yours best.

Space is horrible as far as women are concerned cuz we just go nuts. But in reality, it doesn’t always have to be bad. Honestly, I’d prefer a man whose flaw is that he needs time to process emotions and takes space than some of those smooth operators who always know the right thing to say but in reality are taking you for a ride.

Lylas – totally agreed… If this one thing drives him away, he is not partner material any way…

However, don’t be too quick to jump in the fact that it drove him away… I was in a similar situation just 10 days ago, where I was totally in the wrong, saying things harsh and unkind….

I had to apologize twice…. We are moving pass that now, but not everything is back to before, recovery takes time…

Be patient…

Ps patience is a virtue I lack lol, I’m working on it!

Glad things are moving forward for you too! Have been reading your thread :) good luck!

I would stay guarded too..

My guess is that it wasn’t the fact you got upset about nye.. It was the fact that he discovered that you want more than what he is giving you.. Meaning an official relationship.

That is why he is now saying he wants to slow down.

I don’t understand what big plans he has with friends over New Years that cannot include you? But beyond that… He is either going to step up or not. But his comment about going slow is a red flag that he isn’t sure.

I don’t really buy the whole thing about putting walls up, etc. a man knows when he really wants you and doesn’t want to lose you. It’s funny how there are no walls when that happens.. The walls only go up when he is not sure or not wanting. Others may disagree, but any serious relationship I have had, has not had ‘wall’ issues.

You are smart to keep your options open, live your life and see what he does.

Lagirl, I agree it’s risen a red flag for me too, hence my guard is up. I’m pulling back now, not being so affectionate and available, see what he does over the next few weeks especially the holiday season while we both have ample time off work.

I asked him what he meant by slow, didn’t want any misunderstandings. He says he’s only had one serious relationship (which ended last year) and he’s not so good at dealing with emotions and feelings. He admitted he carries his own insecurities. He felt like the past month we’ve been getting closer in him opening up more to me than anyone else, he feels like all of a sudden things are moving faster than he can control, he’s worried about giving up his independence. Has a few financial things he wishes to settle and also admitted that many women he’s dated don’t really see him for who he is. Has felt pressured last few weeks, which I admit I have placed on him. I agree, I want more. I’m not too sure what to make out of all that. I think it takes a lot for him to open up and trust someone? He’s slowly doing that with me.

I told him I’m not here to take away his independence, he would just be gaining me and I like my own independence, certainly don’t need a man to keep me entertained. That ok, we can take it slow but I’m not waiting around forever, if some man comes along and offers me what I’m looking for then so be it. I also told him to be straight up honest with me, that I’m not so fragile – are you looking for a relationship and do we have potential? To which he said yes. That’s where I thought I’d give him this last chance…

Many of my friends and family have told me he’s not worth waiting for if he can’t give me what I want. His own sister admits he’s very stuck in his own ways, closed off and he’s an idiot for going so slowly. I partially agree with them

Thanks LAGirl ????

We’re 34 and 35, probably stuck in our ways lol.
I would like an official commitment. We’ve talked about it, act in many ways we are but it’s never been said. So then doubts creep in and it makes me feel insecure. I keep thinking why is it so hard to move to the next step? It shouldn’t be! Hence the red flags and guardedness. I do realise a mans timing and a woman’s are totally different and we both carry our own insecurities. I admit I’ve made some irrational mistakes along the way that I’ve learnt from, but starting to realise I can’t change this man. Yes I can give him time to adjust but it’s still my choice when to stay or go. I’m now trying to just “be in the moment” without looking ahead and thinking of “potential” because they’re two different things. I think this may give me a better idea if were really suited or not rather than chasing for what outcome I want. Watch his actions “now”. If that makes sense?