I don't know what to do anymore…


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This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 1 month ago.

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  • #821835 Reply

    Mimi

    Hey y’all, recently me and my ex got in touch again and have been talking very consistently for about 6-7 weeks. The reason we broke up before was due to his incapability to give me enough time or energy because of his schedule. This time around he told me in the beginning how he still didn’t have time for me, especially with the addition of his new job which is essentially on call. But he has been so consistent with his texting, calling, etc that it seems he has all the time in the world. This all changed a few days ago however and I noticed his texting become more and more delayed and short. I have been trying very hard to give him space and be understanding this time around but I am still not satisfied, especially when I remember how interested and involved he was only a few short weeks ago. How can someone claim they have no time for you but give you so much time, only to change this behavior shortly after. Because of this I don’t know what to think, and I don’t want to waste anymore time on this man if he can’t make up his mind. Especially him being an ex and us breaking up because of this very reason before, I just feel like we’re headed down the same path. I would love some advice on how to handle this – should I end it first before he can or wait a little while longer to see if things improve? Or should I have a conversation with him to start before making a decision like that.

    #821847 Reply

    Sensy

    You didn’t discuss time (past abd current) together which would help to assess the situation.

    #821849 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Has this guy made any attempt to see you in person in the past 6-7 weeks? I suspect not.

    I think you’re wasting your time here. This guy told you from the beginning that he does not have time for you. Just like when you dated him in the past. You’re wasting your energy hoping for something more. He was consistent with texting and calling for a while probably because he was bored; now something (or someone) else has most likely drawn his interest away.

    This guy has never made you a priority, and has been very blunt that he doesn’t have time for you. So what are you hoping will change? That he paid a burst of attention to you for a few weeks does not change the fact that he does not consider you a priority.

    #821854 Reply

    Gaia

    I’m not sure you are giving enough information.
    This may sound harsh but are you being overly needy when it comes to texting/phoning? Or are you talking about physical time spent together? From what I’ve noticed most men often taper off on the texting after about a month. Not that they don’t text at all but they don’t text in the same way women seem to. I’m not a big texter so this usually doesn’t bother me. I’ve also noticed that men respond better to actionable text or to answering a direct question. Boring texts or phone conversations just to fill up space with no extra information or actionable information are exactly that… boring!

    You need to decide what your wants, needs and expectations are. If you are ready to break up without a conversation first though I’m wondering if there is something else going on.

    #821858 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    My understanding is that the OP and this guy are not in a relationship. He’s just an ex that she’s been “talking” to. And now he’s being less responsive. So it’s not like a break up needs to happen– there’s nothing to break up! He’s not your boyfriend, right? He’s taking longer to reply to texts and they’re shorter? So you need to mirror him. Or better yet, move on and find a guy who actually wants to date and spend time with you.

    #821861 Reply

    Tallspicy

    You abandoned yourself by agreeing to interact with this man and dealing with him at all. You broke up with him because he didn’t have time and when he said he didn’t have time you decided to ignore him? Words and actions must be consistent. That’s on you. The minute he said he did not have enough time, you should’ve said thank you for reaching out I appreciate being in touch and I wish you the best.

    I don’t think this guy is at fault here even a little bit. I think he was testing the waters for whatever you would give him, and you gave it gladly. Next time, when an ex calls you, insist upon interacting quickly and getting to the point of what they’re trying to do.

    I am sorry to be so harsh, but when a man comes back, he better come ready to play ball for real or just ignore him. You give him no more than 3 interactions to make time to see you and say that he has fixed whatever the issue is and wants to make it work. Not wishful thinking.

    #821862 Reply

    Tallspicy

    And why on earth are you initiating anything with this man. He came back and he had to do all the darn work.

    #821867 Reply

    Mimi

    Hi everyone, thanks so much for the advice. Sorry for being so vague. I did meet up with him 3 times during this period of us texting and calling. The first time was the first time meeting after the breakup where he told me he didn’t have time for me and I told him that’s fine but I would have appreciated him telling me that when we broke up instead of fading out which is what happened/how we broke up. He did say sorry for this and in no way did I say I wanted to date again or even start texting and even now I don’t consider us to be in a relationship. I didn’t even want to start texting him again because I had a feeling I would end up back in this limbo. He initiated the texting by asking if I got home safe and by making a joke about something that had happened while we were together earlier that day. I should have just been blunt with him much earlier and told him I wanted more than casual texting or a situationship as they call it. As for Liz Lemon I do mirror him like if he takes hours to respond, I do the same. If he is short and to the point so am I. The confusion resides in the fact that some of his actions show me he’s not taking this lightly, like telling his friends and family about me and that we are talking again and even having me meet some of his friends and hang out with them at their house the second time we saw each other. But at the same time I feel uncertain about where we stand at the moment and what he wants in the future. I want to have a conversation about this with him but I don’t know if it would even help at this point because he could just say sweet things to satisfy me for the time being while his actions don’t follow. There is definitely a communication gap between us and it’s my fault too because I wait too long to address things that are bothering me in fear of acting too needy or demanding.

    #821868 Reply

    Elvira

    Hi Mimi I agree with the others that when an ex comes back around he needs to show by actions that he has changed not just by words. I am in a similar situation as you interacting with an ex since I broke up with him for his inability to step up. We have spoken all summer and saw each other a few times but there was no change and actually it got worst because it appears he is OK with the way things are now (no effort on his part). My last message to him a week ago was lets no longer communicate so we can both move on and I haven’t spoken to him since. The hardest things have to be done by the person who values themselves the most which is you. He will continue to speak to you as long as you accept what he is still giving you. I do blame myself for not stopping the communication as soon as we broke up. Which is why you need to make the decision to tell him not to contact you anymore, until he steps up until then you will not accept the same as before. If it is meant to be it will be. Remember that he still cares but just not enough to change at this moment.

    #821870 Reply

    Elvira

    Oh Mimi just reading your last post…I too have communication issues fearing the same but I realized if I don’t speak up they won’t know how I feel and think I am OK with the current situation. You really need to have a conversation with him and make sure you listen to what he says and if it isn’t what you want then don’t settle.

    #821889 Reply

    Gaia

    Sorry for being confused but by the first post I thought you were in a relationship since you were talking about ending it first.

    You need to decide what you want. Why are you worried about what he is going to think? If you want him to do something, ask and he’ll either step up or step off. He needs to earn you especially if this is your second go round.

    I’m coming from the experience of dating a man who was my ex previously. Our original issues were communication (I wasn’t vocal enough with what I wanted and needed) and him not being in the right head space for a relationship. We addressed those issues almost as soon as we started dating again this summer. I also learned how to communicate with him better and to figure out his love language and shared with him what mine is. Somehow this seems to have strengthened our relationship. One of the other things that helped is that I held and still hold the “Zero f’s to give” policy loud and clear. If he wasn’t stepping up to earn me and my time he wasn’t going to get it. But that said, I had to make concessions as well… I had to let him “do” for me certain things instead of being my independent “I’ll do it myself” personality, not get attached to over texting or just sending boring texts, and give him the space to want to pursue me instead of just being all-in right away.

    Sorry for the tangent, but I thought it might help knowing someone else’s experience when it comes to dating an ex again and communication issues/expectations.

    #822047 Reply

    Mimi

    Thanks everyone for the advice and help especially those who have been in a similar situation. A little update on how it went: I decided to tell him how I felt and….. he left me on read. So I guess I did dodge a bullet!

    #822051 Reply

    Newbie

    Im sorry to say this but youre not dodging a bullet. If he would text back you would stay in the line of fire receiving. You only feel this is over because he didnt respond. Thats not a position where you take your own power and use it. I get you fall for this guy the first time, but when he says he has no time for you, you have to walk and not come back. Certainly not a second time where he starts to chat again and tells you he has no time to properly date you. You were aware but still let this guy get in your head.
    But i do applaud you for letting him know how you felt. For me thats the best way to get closure. And its honest. I wish you well. Im sure you will be fine and meet some mr i have all the time of the world

    #822412 Reply

    Sam

    Those feelings should never be relayed over text. If it were me, that wouldn’t give me closure at all. I’m glad you are feeling better about it though. Based on your posts, I’m not really getting the impression that this was such a bad guy to be dodged. It seemed more like you wanted more from him than he was able to give you.

    #822590 Reply

    Lane

    You don’t interact with exes if you are still pining for them. The only time you do is when enough time has passed that you feel “indifferent” and have no hidden motives or agenda. Men do get bored or something spontaneously reminds them of you and sometimes they feel compelled to reach out for no other reason than to catching up, out of boredom, get their ego stroked, etc.

    For instance, my ex husband sent me a text a few nights ago out of the blue. He was going through a briefcase full of old pictures, articles, etc. and sent one of me saying “thought you might like this.” We haven’t spoken since our eldest son’s Wedding last December btw. After going down memory lane for a bit, I ended it, bid him good night and that’s it, the end. It was just an hour of text banter where we probably won’t speak again for another year or something big happens to our sons, such as my eldest and his wife finally having a baby lol.

    That’s how you treat an ex, especially when they tell you they have no time for you. Fine then go do your thing and I’ll get back to mine—Bye Felicia!

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