This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Khadija 1 month ago.
September 21, 2021 at 4:04 am #920134
I met a guy three years ago on a dating app. We both felt instant chemistry that we both acknowledged and we ended up dating for 6 months. We’d hang out pretty much every weekend (we get along super well) he’d text me pretty much every day but we never made it an official relationship. During that six month period, I shared with him that I had feelings for him, to which his response was that he couldn’t “do feelings” and that I have heartbreaker written on my forehead. We stopped talking for a bit, and then ended up re connecting and resuming our “relationship.”
He ended up moving shortly after for a new job and before he left we got into a conversation and he told me that he knows himself and can’t do a long distance dating situation. We kept in touch and he indicated that he wanted me to come visit him. When the time came for me to come visit, he ghosted me and we didn’t talk for four months. Fast forward a bit, we ended up reconnecting, he ended up moving back, and we started spending time together again. We talked through what had happened between us previously, he stated he had missed me and we started a sexual relationship again. This went on for a few months until I took a step back and asked him “what are we doing. Are we going to date or what.” He again hit me with a variation on I can’t do feelings. We continued to spend time together having date nights, he would come over and make dinner, we would have movie nights, we would have nights where he would come over and just cuddle with no hooking up whatsoever. One night, he opened up to me and told me that he was in a four year relationship, he thought they were going to get married, they ended up doing long distance and he found out that she had been cheating on him. He told me that ever since that relationship occurred, he is incapable of saying “i love you” to anyone.
Fast forward a few months of us continuing to spend time together, hook up, but not officially “dating.” I tell him that I have fallen in love with him and that we can no longer be friends because it’s too hard for me to compartmentalize my feelings for him. I told him I had been seeing other people, someone who wanted to become exclusive with me and I needed to know what we were doing so I could know whether or not to fully move on. He told me he loved me but was not in love with me. I told him I was going to move forward with seeing this other person and We stopped talking for two months.
Fast forward after that two month period of not talking (things ended up not working out with the other guy), I run into him at a bar. We get to talking and he stated that he wasn’t sure if i was even going to say hi. I said of course I would acknowledge him. He asked me where my boyfriend was and I told him I didn’t have one. He asked if we could go home together and I said yes. We ended up staying up talking for hours and he told me that he got a new job and was moving soon. We laid in bed cuddling and he told me “please don’t forget about me when I move.”
Fast forward to now, he has now moved and has been gone for a few weeks. He has been texting me, facetiming me and asked me to come visit him.
Does this guy have feelings for me? Is he just extremely emotionally unavailable? Is he playing me completely? I am at a loss for what is going on.
We have been through so much together over the past three years. We’ve gone through jealously streaks where he hasn’t wanted me to date other people and yet he won’t officially date me. He’s cried when talking about feelings with me.
I am genuinely at a loss with this man.September 21, 2021 at 4:40 am #920140
There is no mixed messages!
He repeatedly told you he doesnt want to be in a relationship with you.
It was your choice to stay and give him sex. He doesnt want you and he told youSeptember 21, 2021 at 4:54 am #920146
He’s told you time after time after time…September 21, 2021 at 6:39 am #920162
yeah he told you he can’t do feelings yet you proceed with seeing him and sleeping with him, what did you hope to achieve? he might be showing you with his actions that he liked you but not liked you enoughSeptember 21, 2021 at 7:12 am #920169
He is extremely emotionally unavailable, and as others have pointed out, has also told you this repeatedly and the signals aren’t really mixed. Someone telling you the truth isn’t playing you, by definition. He’s told you what he can give, and he’s been consistent for 3 years in not committing in any meaningful way, but you’ve chosen to stick around in hopes something will change. He’s reconnecting with you now because there’s enough distance with him moving away that he feels safer getting closer for exactly the reason that the geographic distance means he doesn’t have to worry about getting too close… so it takes the pressure off him. It’s not because anything is shifting away from the established dynamic of the last 3 years.
You didn’t cause his lack of availability and won’t change it (specifically sounds to me like he has a fearful avoidant attachment style, come here but not too close! go away if you’ve gotten too close!). While I’m sure he truly likes your company and attention, don’t read into any guy’s “mixed signals” that there’s hope. When words and actions don’t align, it simply means there’s a lack of availability. You can either accept he’s non-committal and what you see is indefinitely what you get, or you can cut contact and open yourself back up to someone who wants the same type of relationship you want.
Only stick around if you want hook ups, because that’s what he wants and is what works for him even if it doesn’t work for you. You know you deserve better. Do you happen to still be upset about your recent breakup and looking at his invitation as a distraction from that? It won’t help you feel better to fall back into this time-wasting setup, unfortunately.September 21, 2021 at 9:08 am #920198
I’m a firm believer that mixed messages don’t exist. If its not a yes then it is a no. You’ve been in this situation for years and it’s not serving you well. He will keep on the same track for as long as you are willing to put up with it because he likes you – your company and the sex – but he doesn’t want a relationship with you. That sucks but what sucks more is that you are letting this continue and its just hurting you! Move on from this man xSeptember 21, 2021 at 2:14 pm #920267
Your mistake is taking his calling and texting and spending time with you as romantic interest. You’re a security blanket because you take whatever he’s giving on his terms. He’s told you he isn’t interested in your terms. When women hang around after a man has told her straight he has no intention of really falling in love or being in a relationship, from his point of view he assumes she’s OK with his terms – nothing but a good time in the moment. Can you see that? He’s not given you any mixed message whatsoever. (Mixed messages from men are very rare.) Your interpretation of his words and behavior have you confused. I’m sure he likes you and enjoys your company. But it’s nothing past that. You’ve shown him over and over you’re available for whatever he wants – he doesn’t care what you want. Because you don’t care what you want. You’ve let yourself become a doormat here.
It will make your head spin at how fast he gets into a relationship with a woman he truly wants. It’s really going to hurt you when that happens, so I say get out now.
Three years is a long time. Tell him you’re done and you both need to move on without looking back or you’re going to waste more of your time and energy.
And spend some time looking at why you are willing to chase and wait for someone so unavailable and damaged.September 21, 2021 at 3:11 pm #920282
You have wasted a lot of time on someone who has made his stance clear. He does not want a relationship with you. Please muster up some strength and self respect and move on. Otherwise you will waste another couple of years until he meets someone he wants to be with. Don’t be the woman who can’t get the hint. True love is not confusing and a man who wants you makes it clear.