I am really sad…


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  • #356055 Reply
    S

    This is going to be long, I apologize, but I would appreciate anyones feedback or advice or just help with this sadness I am feeling.

    I was dating this guy for a little over 3 months. We weren’t exclusive. We talked 1-2 times a week and saw each other about 1-2 times a week. When we were together everything was awesome. He was SUPER fun and we had A LOT of fun together and we clicked and just great. I haven’t felt this way about a man in a long time. He was sweet, caring, kind, thoughtful. I figured that he might not be ready for a relationship and 3 months is still pretty early on, but I felt like I had to tell him what I was looking for. On our second date he had asked me what I wanted and I didn’t know and said “I don’t know what I am looking for” and he said “I don’t know” when I asked him. We hadn’t talked about that since. I never asked him why I haven’t heard or seen him or anything, I went a long with my life (albeit I definitely was invested – I know, I know…I should only be as invested as he is). Anyway, I hadn’t heard from him in a few days and this whole thing was eating me up so I sent him an email and we went back and forth. You can see the transcript below:

    Hey (His name).

    Do you remember when we were talking about what we were looking for and we both said that we didn’t know. Well I have figured out what I want and I wanted to share that with you. We’ve been casual so far and I have really enjoyed spending time with you and getting to know you. So much in fact I would like to spend more time with you and be more than casual. I am ready to be with someone who only wants to be with me. If you’re not there or aren’t wanting that with me I understand, but I just wanted to share with you how I was feeling. When the time is right for you, you can tell me what you are thinking.

    S

    Hi S,
    Thank you for writing and being honest about what you want. I know that we hadnt ever talked about it again since the very beginning and knew that we probably should soon. I have really enjoyed spending time with you and we have had so much fun. To be 100% honest though I’m not at a place where I want to be in a serious relationship. I do like you but taking it to the next level is not something Im ready for right now. I’m very cautious about moving past casual dating as I havent really been good at the long term thing thus far in life, and all too often it ends in heartbreak. I hope you understand.
    (His name)

    My email to him:
    Thanks for getting back to me so quickly and I completely understand your hesitation and I don’t think anyone is “good” at relationships. ;). I have been hurt majorly in the past, so I get it. I don’t know if I am ready for a serious relationship either, but I want to see how things go, take it one day at a time and keep the dialogue open. Would that be something you would be interested in trying? Because in all honesty I enjoy my time with you and it’s not everyday you meet someone you really click with.

    His response to me:
    To me a serious relationship is the same as an exclusive relationship, and it seems like that is what you want right now. I do really like the time we spend together, however I dont see myself committing to anyone exclusively at the moment or in the near future. I dont want to lead you on and Im sorry if this comes as a shock but I feel like being honest is the most important thing right now.

    My response to him:
    I completely appreciate and thank you for your honesty. I hope that we can see each other as friends.
    On a totally different note I never really noticed Husky’s before, but I see them more often now and saw a gorgeous one today. Thought of you. :)

    Now recently we started following each other on Instagram and seeing his pictures and things is quite hard to see and I have no clue if he cares about mine. I don’t want to unfollow him (not like he’d notice, but just think that’s a bit childish).

    I feel hurt and when other relationships haven’t worked out in the past I am sad for an hour and move on. I can’t shake this one. He was someone special and I feel like I messed it up, by saying something. I Just should have dated him and others and just kept on with it. I know what I might have done is for the best because it opens the door for someone who is looking for a relationship, but I miss him. Is there anything I can do? I haven’t contacted him nor do I plan on it and I haven’t liked or commented on any of his pictures. Thanks!

    #356057 Reply
    Diane

    I understand how you feel, as I just walked away from a situation like yours…

    Unfortunately, when he is not ready, he is not ready , and there is nothing you can do about it.

    Think it this way, where you are in a shopping mall looking for a new jeans, someone tries to sell you a bed set… Just because it is on sale and is a good deal, how you buy?

    Move on, there is more than one good guy on this planet…

    #356059 Reply
    S

    I know there are more good men out there…it’s just taken me so long to find him, now back to the drawing board. :(

    #356061 Reply
    Diane

    Well in my case, it was exactly that fear of going back to drawing board that made me tried so hard the last 6 months… In the end, I learned the hard way that whenever a guy is not ready, he is not ready…… Period…

    Don’t be too heartbroken….. Life is still very fantastic with or without this one guy!!!!!!

    #356062 Reply
    S

    I know that my life is a good life and he certainly doesn’t make me happy in my life. I am happy with or without him. I am very sensitive and I try not to show it but recently I have been working on myself to be more “vulnerable” and expressive in all aspects of my life and I feel like I did this with him and it didn’t work out. Yes, I have learned a lot from this relationship and I am glad I did. It just hurts.

    #356067 Reply
    Anna

    S……I would take a step back and consider if you want this relationship in your life, as it is.

    Basically what happened (it seems to me) is that as much as you framed this as “opening a dialogue” it actually ended up seeming like an ultimatum to one or both of you.

    Was that what you intended though?

    My personal instinct is that you (possibly accidentally) issued an ultimatum and because he could not offer you an exclusive relationship AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME he had to be honest and say so.

    However. He probably did not say that this COULD have eventually moved in that direction because that would seem like a promise that it would (and that’s not something that anyone can know in advance or promise) because that would (to him) feel like he was misleading you.

    His overall tone of honesty, generosity, and respect (and the total lack of “nahh girl let’s just have fun” talk that would indicate he had no interest in anything serious ever) suggests that he TRULY cares about you as a person and that by ending things now you may be closing the door to a beautiful connection that COULD develop further (but only if you are okay with the fact that it might not.)

    Personally, if you really like this guy, I would do some thinking and then perhaps communicate that you spoke to soon and that while you really like him, the more appropriate step is to keep enjoying his company AND start dating other people.

    Obviously you need to do what’s right for you. But I do think he is a genuine guy who cares about you, and his honesty and clarity in his responses speaks MORE to the value of this connection and it’s possibilities for the future.

    What do you think??

    Xoxo

    #356069 Reply
    LAgirl

    I have to respectfully disagree with Anna on this one.

    I believe you are giving false hope. A man knows after 3 or more months if you are the one. This man is mature and honest. So was S. They both want different things and to suggest she continue seeing him in hopes that this could develop into something is not fair to S.

    Anna I know you are into open relationships, free sex, love everyone… Yet that strategy is the exception and not the norm. Applying principles of that to regular one on one dating and relationships is not a fair comparison.

    I’m afraid that if S disregards what this man is clearly saying and continues down this path she will miss out meeting the man who wants to be serious with her.

    It’s true ultimatums don’t work and I would not have had any of this conversation over Email. But the fact remains, this man isn’t wanting a serious relationship with S .

    It’s not about you, S. I’m sure you have had men feel the same about you, yet you could not reciprocate. It’s about finding the one.. And sometimes the one YOU find isn’t the person that wants the same. I’m glad you stepped up and were clear on what is important to you. While it feels painful.. It just means he wasn’t the one and you simply are yet to meet that perfect man for you… It will happen.

    #356070 Reply
    Diane

    I got that exact same honesty/ respect/ sincerity….. Still when a guy is not ready, he would not initiate anything with you…. Sooner or later, you will get fed up with always having to initiate….. By that time, you would have put yourself thru months of analyzing and frustration….. I won’t recommend that experience to any one…

    What I learned is that if a guy likes you, you will know beyond any doubt…. If you have to come here for advice, he does not like you or like you enough to be in a relationship with you….. Period…

    I went NC with my guy now, even though this is no official “break up” and his last email was still very friendly as always…..

    #356071 Reply
    LAgirl

    There is a great article on this forum called he likes you, just ” not enough”

    #356072 Reply
    Diane

    3 months into seeing my guy, I had the exclusivity talk, he agreed reluctantly, but came back later to say he was not ready….

    Any looking at where he is in his life, I would agree 100% with him… If I were him, I won’t want a relationship either… I keep wondering how come he is not in depression yet….. Lol

    Since then, I was the one initiating everything… Another 3 months into that, I got so fed up, and went NC….. No breakup, no nothing…. Just both sides went silent…..

    Lesson leaned – don’t try too hard …. If he is not actively chasing, just move on

    #356073 Reply
    S

    I do not disregard what this guy has said. I completely understand that he can’t give me what I want whether that’s now or ever. I also wish I didn’t do it via email, but the fact of the matter is, is that I hadn’t heard from him in about 4 days and it was eating away at me. He also knows that I am not very good at expressing myself (we’ve discussed it) and this is the best way I knew how at the time.

    I think it’s too late to save face by saying I spoke too soon. I think I expressed my want to continue things…he knows that. I don’t think that I gave him an ultimatum. I was very clear that if he wants this great if not, that’s ok too. Even though I was hoping for a different outcome, I couldn’t put pressure on him.

    I know there are other men out there, I know that. I doubt my actions even though I was probably right in doing so. There are some relationship experts that suggest never having the talk, but I couldn’t sit there and pretend to be happy with the situation (even though I was very happy with him when we were together) and not be. I have to be true to myself and what I want. It just sucks. I hurt and I wish there was something that I could do.

    I do not plan on contacting him (please let me know if you both agree) in the near future. I think if he wants to contact me he will and I would be happy to reconnect (as friends at the beginning). I think the hard part is that he’s over me (if he was ever really into me) and has moved on with the other women he’s dating and I am here sad and picking up the pieces. I can’t stop crying and I know it sounds so silly, but I just can’t. I am trying to stay busy and spend time with friends, but this one just hurts.

    #356075 Reply
    Anna

    S….was this guy initiating and pursuing up til the point of this conversation? Or did you feel like you did all the work?

    Trying to feel out whether he is genuinely not open to a more serious relationship ever or if you may have jumped the gun a bit by asking HIM to be exclusive rather than continuing to date around and letting things progress a but more naturally and allowing him to pursue (and possibly pursue something more serious with you).

    My one concern is that maybe you let your anxiety get the best of you and forced him to give him an answer before he was ready….IF it will only cause you pain to see him outside the context of a serious relationship then of course, move on…..but your initial email seemed more like you just wanted to feel out where he was at rather than issuing him an ultimatum?

    My personal sense is that he really likes you, it’s just that if he’s not ready RIGHT THIS SECOND he can’t tell you otherwise…..he is being very honest but I think it’s important to see it in context to understand what he’s actually saying…

    Three months of casual dating doesn’t seem to me like the moment to issue an ultimatum …..but of course you need to do what’s right for you….

    #356077 Reply
    Anna

    IF you are waiting for him to contact you…..I think just be aware that you have probably given him the impression that you have NO INTEREST in speaking to him unless he’s 100% ready to be exclusive…..IF you would be open to hearing from him and spending time with him even if he’s not ready for that at this moment, I think you need to let him know that …..otherwise he will assume he has failed you so thoroughly that you want nothing to do with him and he has no chance….and he sounds like the kind of guy who would absolutely respect what he THINKS are your wishes…..so I think it’s worth -after you calm down and think about it a bit – letting him know where you’re truly at

    I’m just concerned that you’re putting yourself through a lot of unnecessary heartbreak over a guy who truly likes and cares about you and would very much enjoy seeing you further and seeing where things go….

    #356078 Reply
    Anna

    Am I missing something? Why do you think he is “over you”?

    My guess is that he is very sad he couldn’t give you what you wanted (because it was still too early on to make such a serious commitment – and he sounds like a guy who would take commitment seriously) and is very likely missing you a lot too.

    But I may be missing something …..other than this particular conversation, and the few days without contact before that, did you have any reason to think he was over you? Was he pursuing and interested in you up until that point?

    #356079 Reply
    Anna

    To me, it does sound like an ultimatum…..if I were him I would definitely interpret this exchange as, “I want an exclusive relationship, and if that’s not what you want then we need to end things now.” But based on your desire for him to reconnect with you I don’t get the impression that that’s the message you intended to send?

    Sorry for being dense here. I’m just trying to figure this one out…..and I really hate to think of you crying and crying when really this doesn’t HAVE to be the end of things at all…

    #356080 Reply
    Anna

    Ok, I reread all of this. I would ignore what I’ve said and go with LAgirl and Diane. I’m sorry for adding any confusion or further emotional pain.

    #356082 Reply
    S

    Anna, I do think he likes me and he knows I like him. He was initiating contact, but the last several times I was. Dating others or not and being busy or not, I really liked this guy and wanted something more. Maybe I did jump the gun in initiating the talk, maybe I didn’t. There is no real way to know I guess. I think he is over me because there hasn’t been any contact since then and I think that if he wanted to contact me he would. Maybe he thinks I don’t want anything else from him, but I did state in my email “I hope we can see each other as friends”, because I genuinely love his company. He didn’t respond to my last email so I assume he is done with me. It hurts. The one thing is that we’re still following each other on Instagram for now. Not that, that means anything, but at least there is that connection. I will continue to meet guys and date them and be busy and try to be busy, but I guess only time heal this wound. I just wish he would come back and say something like “I know you want an exclusive relationship and I can’t give that to you right know, but I really like you and I hope that we can continue to see each other and just give me time.” Not that, that will solve the problem, but at least I will know that he is willing to see where things may go. I just feel like I messed up.

    #356084 Reply
    Anna

    I don’t think you messed up. I think you did what was right for you. Please ignore what I’ve written here, it’s not all that useful.

    You deserve a beautiful and loving and committed relationship with someone who makes you truly happy every single day. And I know you will find that.

    xoxo

    #356087 Reply
    S

    Thanks Anna, what you wrote has some merit to it…it makes sense. I am just confused because sometimes I feel like what you had written makes sense and then what LAGirl and Diana wrote makes sense to me too. I am confused and hurt and wishing things worked out differently. I know I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who makes me happy, but I wish that it was with him because when we were together he did make me happy. I know I did was best for me (or so I hope/think), but I guess I just wonder what would have happened had I not said a thing. Would we have continued to date and one day when he was ready he would commit to me or would I have found someone else, I don’t know. I just feel so emotionally all over the place.

    #356092 Reply
    Penny

    If you hadn’t said anything now, I believe it would hurt even more if you let it go on further along. You might get too attached while he doesn’t. And he might slowly fade away which will leave you wondering. At least this way there is some sort of closure between you. It’s easier to move on.

    I wasn’t this brave haha, after doing what you did, I backtracked (i know, i know stupid of me) and told him, after thinking things through, I decided to go casual with him since I was enjoying myself with him and wanted to enjoy more. I am still in this casual relationship, although my guy did give me a timeframe it still does not make it easier. You go up and down, today you want to have more, tomorrow you feel ok with casual. You want to end things but in reality there’s nothing to end since there’s no relationship. It kind of got me stuck. I still date other people but I keep going back to him.

    You can do what I did and backtrack but I’m telling you from my experience your situation now is better. Just think, he seems to really like you, maybe when he finally wants a serious relationship, he’ll seek you out. At least this way you didn’t get stuck in a “relationship” where everything is uncertain.

    #356095 Reply
    S

    I want to back track so badly, but I know he cares for me enough to not allow that. He said he doesn’t want to lead me on and I think the amount of effort he would out in will be less knowing that I really want a relationship. I of course would LOVE for him to come back to me, however who knows if that would ever happen. Maybe I would have moved on and found someone new, but if I haven’t and we hung out and things were good I’d be thrilled. You’re right I’m not uncertain about when he would finally commit, hut now I am uncertain if I made the right choice. I can’t tell which is worse!!! I care about him and I know he cares about me. I just want to hug him and have him tell em everything will be ok between us. You’re gave you a timeframe. I would have been so happy if my guy did. I would then know how long I should stick around for ya know? I offered him a chance to take it slow and one day at a time and keep the dialogue open and he said he couldn’t do that right now. I just want him in my life. He is a very special person. You don’t meet people like him often. I wish I knew what he was thinking right now or how he’s feeling. Is he bummed is he totally fine did this even phase him. I said this before I feel like he’s fine over there living his life dating girls and I am left to pick up the few pieces of my heart that broke.

    #356096 Reply
    Diane

    Wow, penny!!!!!

    Can you share your reasoning of wanting to do this casual thing?

    #356137 Reply
    Penny

    At first I really wanted something casual, this is so I can still date other people and get a better chance of meeting the right one. But then I started to like this one guy. He was pursuing me, one day (about a month of seeing each other) he told me, he likes me very much but with his business crumbling, a relationship might not be a good idea for him. Since it was just the beginning, I told him ok, we stop seeing each other. But the next day he backtracked and told me he wants to keep seeing me but keep it casual. I liked him, we have a lot in common and he was a friend before he ask me out. So we continued to communicate, and go out. I meant it to be just a friendly thing, but of course i begin to develop feelings to him. I don’t remember how it started but I ended up asking him where we stand. He said he likes where we are now and to not complicate things. I told him I think I might want a relationship beyond being casual with him. Due to his business he was sure we would end up fighting all the time and break up. He didn’t think we had a chance. I continued to ask him if he thinks we will ever be in a committed relationship, he said of course! but really not at the moment. He ended the conversation saying we should just go back where we were(casual) and set this conversation aside. I told him, I really want a relationship. He said I can stop seeing him but he will continue to call and text me if it’s ok. I didn’t reply after that. The next day I was the one who backtracked this time.

    fastforward to 2 more months, conversation went to the relationship again, this time he told me if we commit right now, I would end up hating him because he won’t be able to give me what I deserve. His mind is in his business. If we are in a relationship, he will be force to deal with our relationship when he should be concentrating on his business. He might end up loosing me and the business. He said he’d be ready in a few more months. We are only seeing each other for a total of 6 months anyway so I left the conversation at that.

    I know I might just be hoping for nothing but I just try and balance how I feel and what I do. But not everyday is a good day, sometimes I feel like i’ve dug myself a hole I cannot get out of haha. But in reality, I can walk away, I am just not ready to do so. I just take it one day at a time, try to enjoy the moment.

    #356163 Reply
    S

    See I told myself just enjoy the moment, stay busy enjoy life, but deep down I wanted more from him. I kept reading articles from so many different relationship people with conflicting messages. The one difference between your guy and mind he isn’t ready to let you go. Mine did let me go. Maybe bc he didn’t care that much, maybe to help me get over him, who knows. For you if he doesn’t want to lose you…leaving for now and he will come back to you when he is ready. If he’s so keen he will find you and “hunt you down” if that’s what he wants. You would have the chance to date others and choose him if he comes back or say no thanks bc you met someone else who is amazing. Get the cake don’t take the crumbs. You are lucky in your situation…he verbalizing that he still wants you. Mine…not so much…or at least making it seem that way. This is why I am sad and anxious and not sleeping.

    #356182 Reply
    SibWoman

    I also think the letter sounds like an ultimatum but this is actually a good thing. You was true to yourself and expressed your heart. Now you have to stick to the point – no contact, no reverse back to ” ok I agree to casual, sorry iwas too soon”. I suggest you make him think that you really moved on like exposing pictures with a new guy/ guys on Instagram. You should make impression that yiu are NOT waiting for him. HE myst come to you, convince you to exclusivity, and prove his worth. Itwill never happen when you are missing him, waiting and sad. And please please read all articles on this site and believe every Eric’s word – he is so true!

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