Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › How do I forget about him?
- This topic has 2 replies and was last updated 1 year, 11 months ago by
Rubi.
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Kasie
I met a guy recently and we hung out a bit. On our 4th date, we got sexual and did some foreplay and alot of touching, I did say no to sex even though he tried to and I told him I wasn’t ready. I’ve started liking him but now got information from a mutual friend that he is a commitment phobe. And was told he mostly only would want sex from me. He sleeps around with different women and has alot of them all over him and chasing him. So that if I am looking for anything serious, he is not the guy and that people that has seen us together already would think I am sleeping with him because that’s the reputation he has.
Now I first of all can’t stop thinking about him and I also feel very terrible for even giving him a chance to touch me or see me.
I know we didn’t go all the way to sex but we got very sexual and I don’t feel any differently than the girls all over him giving him sex. I feel terrible and mad at myself, I’m also not happy that people think I probably am sleeping with him.
How do I get over this feeling of guilt and shame and also get him off my mind.Eric CharlesKeymasterYou had an experience and you learned from it. You will make different choices in the future because of what you learned here.
Let’s say you felt 10 times more guilty and ashamed than you do now. Would you learn the lesson any better?
Probably not. Let’s say you felt 10 times less guilt and shame. Would you learn the lesson any better?
That’s a little harder to answer, which takes me to…
Either the guilt and shame are helping you learn the lesson you need here… in which case, yes it’s painful but it’s necessary for your best life. Therefore, it’s good in that case! If it’s good and necessary, you don’t need to worry about getting rid of it.
Or, if it’s no longer necessary and helpful for you to learn the lesson, then you can tune into your guilt and shame and thank these emotions for doing their job to help you learn.
Sometimes the most dysfunctional thing to do is to try to “get rid of” negative feelings. Sometimes it’s best to go into the negative feelings and ask, “What do you want to tell me? What do you want me to know?”.
As for the guy, OK, he has that reputation and it sounds like you saw enough to realize that there’s not potential here. It happens and you can move forward with your life.
Yes maybe he’ll reach out, yes maybe you’ll need to have a conversation to say you’re no longer interested and it’s not a match.
That’s fine and really not an issue.
Psychologically, what will help you the most is the power of INDIFFERENCE.
A relationship dynamic is really over once someone is truly indifferent to what happens.
And what’s the best way to become indifferent?
Find someone or something else that you’re interested in now instead.
Rubi
I suggest you don’t ignore your friend’s advice, however you should also get to know the guy yourself before making any drastic decision. So far what have you understood about him and his ways and his patterns? Does it scream user? Does it feel like he only contact you sexually or do you have deep conversations beyond that? What type of vibe are you getting? What are the places he takes you? How often does he contact you? You’ve reached date 4, his interest is quite high here.
People might have a history, however they may meet the right person and become a better individual. Dont judge someone completely based on someone else’s opinion / experience. Just be cautious knowing what you know, but get to know him in your own way. Lay off the sex, but date him. Watch if he respect your boundaries. It won’t take long, you will know if it’s just sex he wants or if he’s genuinely interested in getting to know you. After a while you can ask him what he’s looking for really if that has not been made clear yet. If he’s a comittment phobe he will make excuses, he will stop seeing you and contacting you, might ghost too, just expect it all and there you’ll have it for sure.
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