How can I overcome bad relationships experiences?


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This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Jacqueline Walker 3 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #791122 Reply

    Lily

    I was only in two relationships in the past and they were both bad experiences. My two exes cheated on me, and the last relationship was 10 years ago. Since then, whenever I meet guys, I push them away without noticing. When things move faster, I stop responding and pull away, and they would think I am not interested. I usually figure out I made a wrong decision later when it is too late. I am going out with a guy and I was excited and felt I liked him until today when he tried to move things forward and hinted that he likes me and wants to see me more often. I felt I want to end this immediately, and I no longer feel that I like him or that he is a good guy. How can I overcome the bad experiences I had? Is it healthy if I continue to see him though I am not sure about the whole thing?

    #791188 Reply

    Kristen

    Hey Lily,

    I can relate. I’ve been cheated on, and all the works. I’m 27 now, had my fair share of a**holes.

    What I can tell you is, to still keep loving, and to still trust, as hard as it is. Because, truthfully, not every guy is out to hurt you. I’ve learned that.

    I also find it helps talking to someone about your past experiences, whether that be a therapist, family member or friend. Also – journaling helps a ton. It really gets all your emotions out.

    I think, also, if the guy really cares about you, you’ll be able to voice your concerns without judgement, and your past, and why you are the way you are, and if they really like you and care for you, they’ll be right there to support you and reassure you it’ll all be okay.

    x

    #791707 Reply

    Lily

    I am the original writer of the above post. I think I mixed things up and entered the friend-zone with him. I have known the guy since a long time, he was abroad and he recently came back and works and lives in the same town. We have beome closer and starting seeing each other a lot recently. He has been flirting with me and two days ago got drunk the other day and talked to me and made obvious hints that he likes me. We were talking yesterday and he said he was feeling bad and that he is busy with work and has no life; he has no girlfriend or any friends here. I told him I am always here and you can talk to me whenever you feel bad.. he answered that he loves seeing me and talking to me and then said in a silly way what do think about becoming my girlfriend? That would solve my problems. He said it as if he only wants to have fun and nothing serious. I was angry and I told him I didn’t like the way you said that and that I don’t like removing boundaries between us as friends in that way. He answered me that he was only kidding and said that we have known each other since many years and that he would have asked me since many years to be his girlfriend!! He apologized and told me he is really frustrated because everyone around him is pushing him and telling him he is becoming older and that he should settle down. He told me that he was lately thinking about this but he doesn’t like or love any girl and doesn’t feel like getting to know anyone new now. He kept apologizing and telling me you are a good friend. I think we have entered the friend-zone now. I have feelings for him but I don’t know if he is serious or just wants to hang out and have a good time? What can I do??

    #791731 Reply

    Newbie

    I dont think this guy was serious based on his actions. Your problem is your mindset. If you go through life keeping those bad experiences alive, even when ot was more than ten years ago, you will attract more of the same. If you take it more like reality: you did over those break ups already, since youre here posting about them, it was a decade ago and those two guys were probably not right for you anyway, you can start with a Healthier mindset. For example: my house burned down and even the after effects were terrible it does wear down and i dont go through life thinking, my new house will probably burn down again. If you took this guy as interested you do need to take some serious steps in how to date though and maybe even seek some professional help. If you dont want to life sitting at the sidelines romance wise, you really will be sorry about that later

    #791779 Reply

    Lane

    So what, you were cheated on, its not the end of the world. Getting stage 5 cancer is but being cheated on is not. You need to find a way to reduce its significance because holding onto so much resentment, for so long, only hurts you, not anyone else.

    Monogamy is a *personal choice* not a biological one that you can control, police or enforce on anyone but yourself. Sure, it would be lovely if the romantic true love never ending stories you’ve heard or read about were true, but for most couples they are not because humans were not designed by nature to engage in pairbonding, or monogamy, for life, and that’s the cold hard truth about human nature.

    I’m sure there have been many choices that you’ve made that others don’t agree with; and choices others have made that you don’t agree with, such as cheating but the truth is, you don’t *have to* live with the choices other people have made. If you do, then that’s a choice you are voluntarily making, and have the ability to change any choice you’ve made or make if you want to. If you don’t want to love or be loved again, then continue to hold onto your resentment. If you really do want to love and be loved again, then stop holding onto the resentment, and take some darn chances.

    None of us here can help you do that. You have to decide that for yourself, and live with whatever choice(s) you make, or don’t make. We can all tell you that you’re wasting a lot of energy trying to protect yourself from any future hurt or pain but that’s not living because life will always throw you some curve balls, hard balls and fouls that’s going to hit or hurt you one way or another. It ultimately depends on how you choose to deal with them, or not deal with them, that will determine the outcome.

    What’s the harm in dating this guy? What’s the harm in talking with him about his take on monogamy? What’s the harm in telling him that being cheated on again is your biggest fear? What’s the harm in making a pact/promise that he won’t cheat on you, should you actually get into a relationship? The only harm is not being honest with him because you’re too wrapped up in being dishonest with yourself. You only have one life, live it.

    #792421 Reply

    Lily

    We chatted last week and he said it was a misunderstanding, and he didn’t mean anything bad. He was flirting again and said he wants to see me and asked me when I would be free. I told him I will be free Friday (today), and he said he made previous plans with his friend but he will delay it to another day and we agreed to meet on Friday and go hiking. He texted casually later and didn’t mention anything about Friday. Yesterday, he texted me asking how I was doing, I replied and asked how he was doing and then he disppeared! So, later at night I texted him to check if we are still meeting today so that I can know my schedule. He didn’t see the message until today in the evening when he replied that he was very sorry and he was out with his friend at the beach and came back home in the morning, and waked up really late today. I replied that what he did was not nice, and that he could have replied to my message yesterday night. He said he is really sorry and that he didn’t check his messages until this evening and kept apologizing. I gave him another chance and he messed things up! I think this shows that he is not interested, and I should back off now, right?

    #792442 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah give up. The first sign a guy is into you is that he plans the date and shows up. He flaked. Talking a bit doesnt mean anything. You shouldnt even have checked if it was still on. Move on

    #792467 Reply

    Lane

    I’m sorry but if he told you he had already made plans with a friend, then I would have said “that’s OK”, and offered a different day irregardless of what he said. Why? Because I think its rude to make plans with someone who already made plans with someone else, as someone’s going to be put out/get the shaft, in this case his friend, who may not have had another open date OR already shuffled their schedule around for him so he was unable to ‘delay’ it, and then forgot to nix yours.

    I forget plans all the time, and its not intentional, its just that other things come up or I completely forgot (yes, I’m one of those humans), and I have to reschedule. I recently did it to my dog trainer, TWICE, where it was not intentional but things came up that I needed to handle, and totally forgot about it until I got her message. Thankfully she didn’t get angry with me, as she had every right to do, especially the second time, at which point I chose a different time, because the time we kept selecting was not working for me but the later time did.

    I think you need to take a step back, and not get so worked up over this. Was it rude he didn’t call to confirm or cancel, yes. But it was just as rude to accept him changing plans with a friend to accommodate you. I think you should make sure that he has nothing planned before making any plans again, and hopefully have a better experience. If not, then drop him.

    #815583 Reply

    Lily

    I am the original writer of the above post. Things are getting awkward with this guy. We went out twice and it was perfect, we connected and had a great time.

    The first time we went hiking and he opened up and told me personal things about him, like family issues, past relationships, etc. Later, he was busy and we didn’t talk much. Then he sent me a message saying that he will go home because he had a medical board exam which he has to study hard for and and won’t be able to see me for a month a a half, and asked that we meet the next day.

    We went walking for 3 hours, while we were talking he asked me what I think about our relationship, I told him I like it and asked what he thinks. He replied that he likes it too and that we are good friends and things might develop later, and I asked to take things slowly. He told me before we went home, that he will come two weeks later to see me because he can’t stand not seeing me all this time. My mother had an appointment in the hospital where he works and he he said he would like to meet her when we come, and asked me what my mother knows about him, and I told him that she knows we are friends, and he was excited to see us. The appointment was postponed but he was disappointed and asked if I would like to meet him the day after for a coffee before he goes home, but the next day he apologized because he had a presentation he had to prepare.

    A few days later we chatted and he told me he doesn’t know why he has been missing me a lot recently and asked if I did too, and then we had the talk and he he said he likes me and started have feelings for me.

    The next day, he was cold to me and acted as if we didn’t have the talk! He has been acting hot and cold for the last three months. Sometimes he wouldn’t text for 3 days and sometimes he would come and says he misses me and wants to see me, then we would agree to meet the next week and then he would start acting cold again.

    Around three months have passed since we last met, I forgot about the whole thing cause I feel he is not serious. He has been texting the whole last week and told me he really misses me and that it’s been a long time since we last met, and he hinted a few times that he would like to see me.

    When he was studying for his exam, he told me what he had plans that will change his life completely. Last night, he told me that he will move to another hospital in another city which is 1 hour away by train and that no one still knows.

    I don’t know what to do, and if I should see him again. His acting in a cold and hot manner is driving me crazy, and now he is moving to another city.

    #815586 Reply

    Newbie

    I dont know what you want from this guy. Both of you make statements youre just friends and mix it up with a but of flirting. But nothing really substantial happens. My best guess is you like each other but are guarded. You maybe because of your past and he because he doesnt know what he wants. Spending time with this guy is fine but this doesnt sound like you are dating to see if you could be a romantic item. I dont know your age, but you sound young, but i would widen your view and see who is outthere to date.

    #815589 Reply

    Lily

    Newbie I am actually 33 and he is 36. Yes, I actually don’t open up easily and he once asked me why I am nervous when we are together and build walls. He also told me once that he doesn’t know what he wants in life. So, we both have our insecurities.

    #815592 Reply

    Newbie

    Oh really. Im sorry i cant really say this gentle but i assumed you were early 20. What are you looking for long term? You like to try to get a family? Because i dont think this is getting you anywhere close to finding a potential partner. This guy was just 5 months of talk and both of you playing a part in pushing the other one away. I think you have to consider getting some help for yourself like a counselor or a dating coach. Because you dont seem to be any good in dating (just to be clear im awefull at it myself) and having trouble forgetting past relationships.
    This guy you saw last for 3 months ago if i read it right and only contacts you when he wants a listening ear. Its absolutely zero degrees on the romantic spectrum and after 5 months you still havent figured that out. You need to really change your mindset and attitude

    #815655 Reply

    Jacqueline

    It sounds like you have Fear of Intimacy a social phobia/anxiety disorder. It is impacting your ability to form new relationships. I would look for articles, videos, and advice on the Fear of Intimacy. Coping strategies should help. Alternatively, you could also get professional advice online through therapy, self-help books and etc. Nothing is wrong with you but you are really having a hard time moving forward and our hanging on to outdated beliefs about yourself due to your experiences. Many women and men suffer from a Fear of Intimacy.

    #816719 Reply

    Jacqueline

    Sorry, I forgot to fully post this about your situation now.
    He is in the medical field you should give him another shot. If he starts acting cold then be done but he has not done anything bad to you. You still care for him. I would at least meet up with him.

    I have doctors in my family and when they took their exams they were super stressed and busy. Plus the sleep times are different too they stay up long hours.

    He does care about you I think you both had some things going on and he was concerned he could not give you the attention you need.

    call him do not worry about the new city he is going to.

    #816806 Reply

    Lily

    Newbie: Yes,I do have fear of intimicy and trust issues,and I saw a therapist a few months ago, and I think I should get some help again. I really don’t know if I want to build a family and have children,I always think it is a huge responsibility and I won’t be free again.

    Jacqueline: Yes, he was super busy the past few weeks after his exam. He leaves every morning at 5 am and gets back at 7 pm each day.

    We chatted this morning and he asked if I was going for my daily walk, as we have a full lockdown and are only allowed to exercise. He then asked if he could join me and we agreed to meet this evening 🥴

    #816859 Reply

    Jacqueline Walker

    Hi Lily, That’s good I hope you are able to relax and enjoy your time and not have so much anxiety. I know that can be hard. He does care about you just see how it goes. Enjoy your date tonight!

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