Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He's only texting…not calling…is this a red flag too?
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mama.
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Jess
Hi guys,
I’ve just started online dating and I’m new to it. I was in a 15-year relationship that ended 3 years ago. Since lockdown started about 3 weeks ago, I’ve started talking to this guy Jack*. I had been out with another guy James* for 3 weeks. It was consistent but there were no sparks since I went on 3 dates with him before lockdown. I broke it off. I posted about him here for advice and took that on board.
Now, Jack* started texting me consistently nearly every day since lockdown. He told me he wanted to meet up with me while on lockdown but I said I wasn’t comfortable meeting strangers since it’s COVID, he was fine with it. I spoke to him on the phone once in the first week of lockdown and it was great to hear his voice. Since then, all he’s been doing is texting me all the time, no calls for 3 weeks.
Now, I’m not big on talking on the phone either, even with my best friends, we’d talk for half an hour and we’ll end the call. Could it be he’s more of a texter than a caller too? I mean for 3 weeks, all he’s been talking to me about is how my blog is doing, how I’m coping during the lockdown, how my day has been etc. It’s getting kind of boring just having small talks by text now. He did say that once lockdown is eased we could meet in a park which I was down for doing and don’t mind giving him a chance. I’m a little bit scared that if there’s no spark through texting, there might be no spark face to face. I just don’t want to waste my time with guys I don’t have chemistry with. Should I meet up with him once the lockdown has been eased?
Thanks
Liz Lemon
You’ve never met this guy. He’s a stranger. So you are totally overthinking this. Meet him if you want to, when the lockdown is eased, to see if there’s a spark.
Some people are more texters than callers, that’s true. I also think it’s healthier to refrain from a lot of calling when you have not even met. It builds up a false sense of intimacy to spend a lot of time talking to someone you don’t know. You think you know the person because you’ve spent hours on the phone– but you don’t. You really need to meet in person to see if you click. So I actually think the small-talk texting is wise at this point. You shouldn’t be having deep, long conversations with a stranger, someone you’ve never even met.
So I would say, sure. Meet him when the lockdown is eased, assuming he continues to express an interest in doing so. You don’t have anything to lose. If you meet and there’s zero chemistry, you haven’t lost anything, you can just stop texting and move on.
Liz Lemon
I’ll also add- since you are new to online dating- the “spark” through texting and the spark through face-to-face interaction are two totally different things. Someone can be a great texter and a total dud in person. These are the guys you don’t want to waste your time with. It doesn’t matter if a guy is a great texter if you have no chemistry in person.
This guy might be a bit dull through text because he’s asking mundane questions, but you might have great chemistry in person. You won’t know until you meet.
I guess what I’m trying to say is– don’t try to discern whether you’ll have chemistry with a guy solely through texting. A lot of women make this mistake and get attached to guys they’ve never met because they build him up in their head. They think because he’s a funny/clever texter, he must be an amazing guy, and when they meet they’re disappointed. You will only know if you have chemistry when you actually meet and interact in person.
The goal of online dating is to meet people in person, not to text or talk on the phone with someone you’ve never met. So once you’ve established that you have things in common and an interest in the person, you should arrange to meet soon. I understand the pandemic makes this difficult, but as a general rule, a man who is serious about wanting to date will want to meet a woman in person relatively soon to see if there’s chemistry. I’m only pointing this out because you said you’re not experienced; there are lots of guys out there who will waste your time for months with lots of texting and phone calls, but will chicken out when you want a face-to-face meeting.
Anyway good luck, and yes I think you should meet this guy for a walk in the park as soon as you can :-) Don’t rely on texting as a way to decide if you have chemistry. You have to meet. And in the meantime continue talking to other guys on the dating site, and potentially meeting them too.
Elvira
Hi Jess
We are dealing with a tough time and unfortunately dating has been an even bigger struggle with Covid. Normally the standard would be try to meet someone soon versus texting/talking for months before meeting. I do agree with that because texting can become stale and talking on the phone nowadays is non existent. I think with men if they want to meet pretty quickly its because they are not wasting time with someone they may not feel fits what they are looking for. In this case he did want to meet but due to Covid you stated no which is fine. I would suggest speaking more on the phone with him or doing face time. Not on a daily basis but maybe one time here and there until you set a date to meet. If you are expecting to meet up with him in a few weeks then hold off on the contact until then. I do suggest meeting with him and see how you feel. I also want to add have you been asking him questions about himself…it appears he is asking questions to get to know you more have you been doing the same?Debster
No. Waste of time. Tell him to lose your number. He is the classic Mr. Emotionally Unavailable. Nothing about his behavior is anything to invest emotions in, and not even another 5 minutes of your time. All his texting is nonsense superficial garbage. He’s not trying to get to know you or let you know him! He just wants to create the illusion of you two knowing each other so if you should slip up and meet with him, he would be able to tap that butt and be right back uot to disappear into the dark hole he slid out of.
You haven’t been on the dating scene for awhile but I’m TELLING YOU, this guy is a clown. Unless you enjoy circus performers just get rid of him.
Jess
Hi guys, thanks for your input on this and take all advice on board. @Elvira, yes I have texted him back and forth. Just didn’t add that in my post.
mama
Personally I would consider the mundane texting small talk as somewhat of a good sign that maybe he is somewhat normal and doesn’t want to over-invest until meeting you in person. He’s holding back and I think that’s a wise thing to do these days, mainly because of what you and almost everyone else has pointed out — face to face chemistry is much different than texting chemistry. Been there, done that. ;)
Good luck, I hope you get to meet him in person soon. (Let him take the lead on that, by the way.)
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