Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He's conflicted
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Bee.
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Kate
I started seeing a guy last November and he is a proper old fashioned gentleman. Walking me home, holding my hand, opening doors that kind of thing. We saw each other a couple of times a week and then spent most weekends together. He’d always been up front with saying he was planning to move abroad the next year so we agreed to keep seeing each other and enjoy what we had until he left.
Recently though he started telling me he was conflicted and confused. We’d spent a lot more time together and then he’d distance himself before another really intimate few days of being together.
He finally said we should stop seeing each other as the more time he spent with me the more….and then he couldn’t finish what he was saying. Just that he didn’t know when he was going abroad but he wanted to see his friends and family and not have to worry about this getting harder.
He said it was causing him stress. He wanted to know how I felt. I said I had been happy just seeing how our relationship unfolded and that I knew what I wanted and that I understood I couldn’t change him.
He wanted to hold me for a bit so we laid on my bed his arms around me and he kept on staring at me whilst we joked about how his heart was made of stone. He left.
The next day he messaged me just to say hi and good morning. I waited until the evening to reply and simply asked if that message was sent by his brain or his heart…he replied straight back “his heart”. He then messaged the next day to tell me if I wanted to chat he’d be happy to but if I didn’t that was also ok.
I’m not sure what to do. I was falling hard for him (whilst trying to remember this was a relationship with an end date) but now he’s messaging I think he’s just trying to be the good guy still.
Can anyone help me?
redcurleysue
Yes, I can help you.
This man is conflicted and it is not until he completely loses you (in his head) that he will come to a final decision about you.
He really likes you very much. He is not sure how much or if he is in love with you.
As humans we all make decisions regarding each other every day…who is a friend, foe, lover, etc. Men need to go into a time of lack before they can see all the pieces of who you are to them…they have a hard time seeing it when you are right there…too close to see the truth of you.
This can go either way. He may leave, find a new life and forget about you over time. Or he may leave, put his new life together and realize you fit into his life so well and he misses you….does not want to be without you and will do what it takes to have you with him.
The question is what do you do? You completely live your life with the notion that he left it for good. You totally move on. This is your choice.
If so some reason contacts you and lets you know he cannot live without you, and you are still available, you make decisions then.
Easy Peasy.
Kate
Redcurlysue thank you.
I made the decision not to reply to his last message. He’s away for a few days and I want to give us both some space to think before we see each in the corridors at work.
Even during this relationship I haven’t stopped doing what I normally do and that will continue.
By leaving a door open he’s put the ball in my court but he made the choice, he knows what I want…I’ve got to carry on and just keep the good memories.
Options2
That is a good decision.
It is sad that you can never force a man to love you enough to stay.
We should not need a man who is conflicted. Since he has other goals and wishes that you could not be part of it, I guess he could not fit you in. I am glad you understand that – what more can you do?
Let it go. We know if the man is not all in, it is hard for the women to be happy in the relationship.
Kate
Feeling very nervous about him coming back to work tomorrow. I’ve been ill the past few days so not feeling my normal energetic self.
Not heard from him at all since his ‘I’ll just leave this here” message.
Resisting replying is so hard!
Kate
We’re both back at work and neither him nor I have messaged or acknowledged each other.
I feel sad and quite mean as we’d always been up front with each other.
I also feel angry that he’s left the option to communicate with me as though he couldn’t care less either way.
It’s times like this that make me wonder why did I risk my heart over a man who is scared of really living (he was at work super late last night again).
Urgh. I know I have to be strong but all I want is to tell him I’m not ignoring him because I want to but because I have to!
alia
I don’t think you have to tell him anything. He knows what’s up. Just be nice and cordial to him at work and that’s it.
Maria
Why, just why would you a woman get involved in a relationship with an “expiration” date? Why do women not take themselves and their lives seriously?
Getting involved with someone and then having to break up DOES cause a lot of stress, it takes tall on your system, it takes time to recover, it hurts another person directly and indirectly, even if you breakup amicably..It is much wiser to not get involved, and in your case, there is yet another red flag – you work together. So you have two red flags: he is preparing to leave abroad (is he planning on getting married there by chance? arrange marriage?) AND he is a coworker. If you have self preservation instincts, walk away now before things get deeper.
Kate
Maria, it started out as a 3 month relationship where we both knew where we stood and enjoyed going out (theatre, comedy nights, dinner and keeping fit). He extended his time in London (I’ve only just found out it was because of me). Since January we spent more time with each other and that’s when it became tricky.
He’s leaving to live with his siblings but seems to be putting that off the actual move more and more.
He works at the other end of my building and we have no reason to interact at work so that has never been an issue.
It’s only hard because I wanted to keep seeing him until he left abroad but that’s now not possible.
Jenny
Just let it go. Be cool with him and understand that this was inevitable and part of the arrangement. You guys had some good times together, and now you’ve reached an obstacle that he doesn’t seem to want to work with you to get past. Don’t ignore him but don’t attatch further. Emotionally pull back and bid him a proper farewell for his positive contribution to your life. In order to maintain this long-distance is going to take a conscious effort on his part. He’ll either beg for your attention and show there’s a possibility that you guys can make this happen. Or he’ll leave and you’ll be left with pleasant memories. Either way, the awkward energy isn’t fun so snap out of it and hold onto what was good between y’all. Be cordial, funny, understanding, supportive but DETATCHED. That way he’s more likely to not want to let it go and he’ll also get that first sting of what it would feel like for you to not care about him in that way. Good luck!
Sherri
So say you guys get into an LDR, it cannot be an LDR indefinitely. So I understand his position that he is getting way too attached enough to postpone his leaving. That he feels he needs to detach in order prepare himself to leave. This was always supposed to be temporary unless you plan on following him or he plans on living here indefinitely.
Kate
Thanks ladies.
Jenny, I think that’s why I felt mean by not contacting him. I’m giving us both space to get readjusted. When I feel more at peace with it all I’ll probably feel more comfortable with chatting again.
Our time together has been really good so I’m holding onto that as I make plans for my life over the next year. I’m just sad that it had to end so abruptly when mentally I thought we had a couple more months before he left.
winnie
two years later, Tell me you got over him Kate? i am going through a similar situation and the past three months have been so stressful. i keep replaying the good times i had with this man that i thought would be my soul mate. I got my closure with him today and i crave for that day that i will be completely over him. He was so nice that i feel so bad that it has been short loved. But i guess the good things in life are short lived.
Thank you all for the comments as they are so encouraging and comforting!Christina
Well mine is kinda simular but ore complicated and sticky. Lol. We been together for 9 years have two beatiful boys. He was asked to leave under some circumstances but not by my choice. Everything was still going strong as before. in the last month and half been really rocky cause he was working alot and couldnt see the boys or I as much.All sudden he started to talk to this girl and now he broke it off with me to be with her. Saying he just wants to see where the road takes him. Sadly it broke my heart into pieces. But i got 9 years with this man. And now we get together so he an see our boys. But he says he misses us. But he still says he wants to see where this road will take him.He told me ot even a month ago he loved me and always will. I asked him have you told her this stuff youre telling thatnyou miss us and u are wanting nights alone with me. Hisbresponse is no cause i just want to see where this road will me. 3 weeks w hes een seeing her 3 times a week and its killing me inside. But on the other hand I dont want to loose him. What should I do? 9 years is a long time to just walk away.Im trying to be surrportive towards him. But days i ust want to give up but my heart says not yet.
Bee
First and foremost be supportive towards yourself and your kids, not him!
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