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leanne
I’m recently engaged, as of 2 weeks. My bf of 1.5 years proposed to me without planning because the ring had come and he was really excited. I get that. He dropped me home (we don’t live together) and I was happy. He said he was going to to do a dinner and all this but will do it the next day.
Fast forward to the next day. He asks what my parents said. I told them my dad and mom weren’t thrilled. They didn’t fuss. I should say here, mom has yet to meet him. She just doesn’t want to. Not because of anything I’ve done, I’ve spoken the world of my bf. She just has no interest. My father has met him. Long story short, he gets upset saying anyone would’ve posted the ring on social media. I told him I’m a private person and I wanted to enjoy the moment first. He then accused me of being the reason my parents don’t care about him. I’m 43, he’s 46. Who gives a damn about parents! Who cares about social media?? Meanwhile I’m packed and ready to go over, wondering why he hasn’t mentioned dinner like he had said.
We get into a huge argument. I’m hurt, and obviously his insecurities came into play. AT the end of it I did not go over, and only on Tuesday of the next week did we speak. Then I went over and realized he had been drinking since Sunday. I ignored it, I’ve seen him this way before, but months ago. I chalked up his drinking to his situation at the time. But now, I’m starting to wonder what’s going on. I’m hurt and I decide to leave a day early. He was sloppy, left the door to the house open, and I had to go after him because he kept spilling things. I had never seen him this bad.
Now, here we are, Monday. Friday and Saturday I spent it crying because he was so drunk, when we facetimed he couldn’t keep his eyes open. I suggested to go to AA, I asked him if he’d stop…He said “things you say make me want to punch you in your face” That was it. I’m hurt, I’m sort of devastated, and it’s triggering feelings of dealing with my father who was a substance abuser. I explained to him the amount of pain he’s caused. That the last time he went on a week long binge, I promised I’d leave. I don’t want to. I feel for him. He’s all alone, his life has finally picked up and hes doing amazingly well. He apologized on Saturday when he was starting to come to. But on Sunday He ignored me the entire day – leaving my messages on read.
I took a screenshot of when we were ft’ing and he was drunk. It looked like he had been on something other than alcohol. He didn’t respond to my texts from 6p,-8am the next day. I was a nervous wreck. All day sunday he ignored my texts. Would leave me on read. I was so upset I couldn’t function. Today he reaches out like nothing. he was starting a new job. He took off locations but I’ve kept mine on.
I’m so hurt and confused. I can’t talk to friends because they’ll just say “leave” But i can’t. I don’t know what to do. Am I dealing with an alcoholic?
i should say he also stayed home all week even though he could’ve been doing his uber job to save money for when the real job pays him. We all know jobs can take a few weeks to finally send that real paycheck. He pawned his necklace to get by, and spent who knows on liquor. When i was there I snuck a few bottles out. It hurts to even see myself in this position.
Newbie
And yet you dont know what to do? Of course you have to break up. Any guy who says he wants to punch you in the face is not a good guy. I dont know why you dont want to break up. You must be a gluton for punishment or very keen on a repeating pattern of marrying your substance abusive father. Some people really have no clue on how to find happiness and im afraid youre one of them. As long as the topic leave not to to leave is not open for discussion youre beyond saving. Exactly what kind of advice you want to hear? Saying its just a phase and it will get better? He is anxious but has potential? No you have to deal woth whats in front of you.
T from NY
He is an alcoholic. He might a functional drunk, he may have periods of being a dry drunk, but he’s still an addict. And he is abusive. A giant part of being an abusive alcoholic is keeping up appearances (thus why he might care so much about social media update) and blaming others for absolutely everything wrong in their lives (accusing you of sabotaging relations with the parents).
He is not a healthy partner. The years it would take to make him one are not worth the risk of wasting your future. I know this from experience. I was married to a dry drunk – then active alcoholic – for 20 years. He was so abusive to me and I cannot believe I stayed so long. My confidence was zero, the depression was off the chain. I am now free. Blissfully, deliciously free. Do not do what I did. I promise you will regret it.
Paige
Be honest with yourself. You do not want to leave. You think you can fix him, so you choose to stay. He’s not holding a gun to your head, is he? Women are constantly looking for reasons to stay with terrible men like this, and I don’t know why. Why do you want to be treated like crap? The answer isn’t complicated. Leave and deal with the emotions later.
leanne
Yes. I do want to stay. We are of the same mindset politically, spiritually, we are both artists, we are silly, we love clothing, have the same style, we love the same foods…
He encourages me in amazing ways. He is emotionally present unlike anyone I’ve ever dated. He is handsome, and sexual in the right ways. He is affectionate in the way I’ve always wanted. He isopen with his emotions, and strives to correct where he may be wrong.
His sense of humor is spot on and he keeps me holding my stomach. He cleans, he cooks, and likes it. I’m the handy one, but he also does that too. he’s always reading and learning and striving to know more about what I’m interested in, as a social worker. ANything I need he is there. He also corrects me when I’m wrong, and holds me accountable. He takes care of his body and health.
we have fun, he’s spontaneous like me but also loves planning.
The only problem is the drinking and I know it’s huge but this is so incredibly hard. I love him. Or else i wouldnt have said yes…
help…
Penny
Yes, all those things (so great, for now). But when he starts drinking and hitting you, you will wonder how you got here and you will have no one to blame but yourself. There are plenty of men out there. It will be hard to do, but for your own sakes, get out now. You don’t want to be a statistic.
Newbie
Its not only the drinking. Bu itself the drinking is also a symptom things are off. He shows that for example in how he responsed to your parents and social media. He demanded and got mad. Now i did feel you were a bit insensitive in your responde to how your partners reacted but still.
So drinking masks problems and issues. People who are high/drunk or binging rather stuck their head in the sand then deal. But then the drinking causes more issues like losing jobs, being mean, forgetting time, health issues. So its a big deal and you cant just order someone to AA. He wont do it until its a problem for him. And even then if he falls off the wagon, i can tell you right now, thats a worse feeling than dealing with him before he tried to get sober.
If youre so keen on keeping and marrying him, then do so. Dont be ashamed of him if he is drunk at a party. Talk about it but dont demand. If he get aggresive stay away. Go to el anon for some support. I do know people who stuck with drunks, like a famous poet, an elderman, a singer. They all died very early. The poet didnt and is still at the bar every night. So you should really lower your expectations in equality. It wont be equal and you cant act like his mommy. Good luckNewbie
Also, why do you have to marry the guy? You could just stay friends
leanne
I should add my father was an addict. So I have this side of me that while I despise addicts, they are the one people I feel I truly understand. i get stuck thinking maybe had I been nicer about the engagement, maybe he wouldn’t have gone down that spiral. Maybe if I had just not called him an alcoholic he wouldn’t feel down about himself. He suffers from low self esteem and I have no clue why…
He’s never shown aggression before. he’s never anything but extremely loving and affectionate when drunk. And he does get off on his own. With no help from me. But I’ve noticed this is the second time he’s gone a week long. I came home w/ bottles he had hidden from me or forget he had bought. And while i was gone he told me “I know you took the bottles” I denied it but part of him is sober enough to remmeber the previous days happenings. Which makes me wonder if he’s a functioning drunk..?
I’m completely comfused..and can’t go to my friends because although they love him, they’ll tell me to leave and will try to hold me to that…
I feel so alone…and hurting and this morning he and I texted, and he said He’s not a drunk and that I insulted him when I suggested he was on a drug..
Newbie
This wont get you anywhere. You want some sort of support but at the same time not even consider breaking up. Your friends say that for a reason. They care about you. If they are sensible they know you are on a path of going down.
There is no solution for you. Adopt the alcoholic binging. Stop calling him a drunk. Stop thinking he could have ubered. Stop thinking what he has to do.
His drinking will probably get worse and nothing will ever be his problem. Thats the biggest problem with addicts. They are never accountable. But your dad was like that and you loved how your dad was like that so you want a rerun. Again youre an adult.Newbie
Youre really naive. The fact he remembed he had more bottles makes you think he is a functional drunk? No he is a calculated citizen knowing how much booze he has. Dont forget to check the oven for extra stashes of bottles or the garage. Surely if he binges now two times in the course of 1.5 years, it would be something to talk about as to why he comes to that. But it doubt its that little. You wouldnt know for a fact your friends would tell you to leave. They told you before
Newbie
One final thing: youre also an addict. Read how you couldnt function when he kept you on read for a few hours. Thats not normal. He is your heroin
Liz Lemon
You are codependent. Thinking that his moods and behavior hinge on what you do or say to him is classic codependency. “i get stuck thinking maybe had I been nicer about the engagement, maybe he wouldn’t have gone down that spiral. Maybe if I had just not called him an alcoholic he wouldn’t feel down about himself.” Please read up on codependency. I would strongly suggest you seek out therapy also.
I think you know that this is a very unhealthy relationship, or you wouldn’t be posting here. You don’t want to accept it. This man is a severe alcoholic to the point of binging for days. Please don’t set yourself up for a lifetime of this. He may have good qualities but in the long run the bad stuff outweighs the good stuff about this guy.
Caetru
Your friends would be right, you should leave him. If you don’t love yourself enough to leave this relationship, do it for him. This is a codependent relationship and you are a perfect enabler. Enabling an alcoholic only allows them to continue with their addictive behavior. You said that you would leave him if it happened again, yet you didn’t. You’ve already broken your oun boundaries, so he won’t believe your threats anymore. You can’t fix him, only he can help himself. In fact, if you leave him he may start to look at his drinking seriously and realize that it is ruining his relationships and decide to get help. Best of luck
Elvira
Hi Leanne so sorry you are struggling with this. I understand the difficulty of loving someone with alcohol issues. I grew up in a household where drinking was normal. My dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles and siblings all drank around us and to me drinking was normal behavior as well as getting drunk once and awhile. I drank when I was younger so when I met someone who also enjoyed going out and drinking it was normal to me. Until I started noticing the bad behavior and the drinking in the morning. He admitted to me he had a drinking problem and tried AA for about a week. However the alcohol is so much more powerful than loved ones. I eventually had enough and broke things off. It was hard but at the end of the day you have the peace of mind that you cannot help them…they need to want to help themselves! Until you show him that he will lose you (no bluffing) he will not change. People have managed their alcoholism (its a life challenge so it doesn’t go away) I believe in that my dad and my brother have both changed their ways. One of my closest friends is a recovering alcoholic. So there is hope for people with this horrible disease but again its has to come from them…as long as you stay and accept it your accepting him for who he is and what he does. You need to tell him unless he gets help you will not be a part of his life.
leanne
I hear you all. I’m also a social worker. So I’m not sure why i can’t help myself here. I failed to mention he’s also on Lexapro. Which has stunted our sex life to something I don’t even want to have with him. As I type this I’m wondering why I’m even still here with him.
He texted me this morning saying the job he was supposed to start today now needs fingerprints. Then he said I hurt him. I explained what happened was severe. He hasn’t answered me. It’s been an hour now. And yeah I shouldnt care if he leaves me on read. I guess its what it symbolizes. That I’m discardable and unimportant and he knows its something that bothers him. It’s just rude.
Either way I’m trying really hard to muster up the strength to walk away. The last thing I want to do is deal with this during the holidays. I wanted to enjoy them with him and I believed we could’ve. He just got a new apartment and car and things were gong so well. I guess I don’t want to let go of what I envisioned.
Breaking up during the holidays is horrible and I don’t need the memeory but I have to see what I do…Newbie
Youre engaged to this guy. I think its good you at least recognize the option you are making a terrible choice. Im also pretty sure we as readers all knew this guy has more issues. Not holding a steady job, living from day to day, hold ups like now he has to be fingerprinted. the fact youre proud he got a new home and a car and life is great noe shows he is a totall mess. Which can happen. Which i wont condemn him for. But whom i also wont marry.
Things may have picked up for him but this is about you. And your life. If i were you i would seek some counselling like liz suggested as the codependency nails it.
Dont do this rash. Be sure, do talk about it. And go from theremama
You said in your first post… “I explained to him the amount of pain he’s caused. That the last time he went on a week long binge, I promised I’d leave.”
I think you should keep that promise. To yourself. If you think it’s hard to do now, wait after you’ve invested years more of your life, have no more self esteem or self value because it’s so hinged on whether or not he’s drinking. YOU already think you’ve failed or are “less-than” in some way because HE is the one who drinks and sabotages everything good in his life. Him. HE is the one who is responsible for his own behavior and issues, just like you are responsible for yours. You are 2 separate people. Back up a bit and look at the bigger picture.
Someone mentioned counseling. Counseling is a wise idea.
Lane
I think you need to go to Al-anon. You are are walking talking Co-dependent and trust me, its an alcoholic disease that will destroy you no differently than the alcohol will do to him. I was married to one for 20+ years but he NEVER once threatened me or said he would “punch me in the face.” He also never ignored me for that amount of time either but then again I didn’t chase him when he was acting like a drunk fool either, left him alone, and he would be the one to get into my good graces again. Its a toxic tango and this is the dance you will be dancing for the entirety of your relationship if you stay in this.
You can’t throw a turd in gift wrap and try to sell it to your parents—they are smarter and wiser than you are. Your mom is the smartest one here as she doesn’t want to get sucked up in the alcoholic drama. As a former co-dependent of an alcoholic, who use to “binge drink” until it eventually bled into his daily life, I would RUN, not walk.
Danitka
There are some things that are contradictory here. For example, first you say that you are sexualy compatible and then you say that your sex life suffered because of antidepresants.
I believe that he is open about his emotions as he openly told you that he would liked to punch you in the face.
In my opinion, he knew how many bottles he had is because he bought the exact amount he needed to. There is nothing worse for an addict than not to have enough.
Dysfunctional people are not able to have healthy relationships. They are not the most sentimental lot either.
At least two ladies in this thread described their experience of living with an alcoholic.
My father was one too, he got sober and he was sober for the last 8 years of his life. I admired it, but nothing will erase the memory of my childhood and constant fear and anxiety. Someone reccomended a therapy, I think it is a good idea. I attend adult children of alcoholics. I am 32 now and I realized how the addiction in my family wrecked my self esteem when I was about 25. It’s difficult not to wonder how my life would look like, if not the addiction. I was a child, so I didn’t have much choice. But good news for you – you do have a choice.
leanne
hi everyone, I really appreciate all the input and concern. I hear everything you’re saying. I’m hurting really badly. i love this man. I am angry at him because again I couldn’t get in touch with him after he called me twice. He gets on the phone and he’s slurring his words, apologizing and saying he’s a binge drinker but he has it under control. Al of which I don’t believe. I guess my naive ass didn’t think he’d have another binge spell. The first and last one I saw, I figured was due to some difficult situation at home and in his life. Now I’m seeing it’s not due to anything but himself and a part of him he hid from me. Or just managed to resist but for so long…
I”m hurting because I don’t want to spent the holidays breaking up. I’ve had a horrible year and he/I were looking forward to unwinding and enjoying his apartment and travelling…
Obviously we don’t live together so the silent spells are due to him being knocked out. I’m furious and angry then I feel bad and wonder if he’s ok. I have so much going on in my life outside of him and he was an amazing help this entire time..I have to admit I miss him and need him. But not this part of him. Which I feel isn’t going anywhere…
Some of my friends who love him say I should givehim time. That made me angry. ANd that inner response shows me I’m not wanting to.
I’m not even sure what I’m saying here but I agree with you all.
Ss
I’m glad you seem to be recognising and accepting that he is a poor choice for a partner. However, you’ve referenced the holiday season twice now and I worry that you may be using that as a reason to keep trying with him. You know Christmas is nice and all but it’s not a reason to stay with this drunken mess of a man. I’ve never understood why people much such a big deal about the holidays and not being single for them. Use the holiday season for some down time, to heal and to tend to yourself.
You’ve had some blunt but great advice on this thread. Please don’t waste another minute of your life on this man that is happy to tell you he wants to punch you in the face
Liz Lemon
I agree with Ss’s point about the holidays. Do you really think you’d have a nice Christmas with this man? You were “looking forward to unwinding and enjoying his apartment and travelling…” but I doubt they will play out that way. It’s more likely he’ll binge drink, say horrible things, and leave you on read. You have a fantasy in your head about a nice Christmas with this man but you know that is not the reality.
I really sympathize with you because I had an ex boyfriend who was an abusive alcoholic. We did have some good times, and when the good times were good, they were amazing. That’s what kept me hooked. But the bad times became more and more common and it deteriorated to physical abuse. Luckily I was able to get away and end the relationship but it took me almost 2 years. I am concerned that you are headed down the same path with this man. You’re idealizing a fantasy about how you’d like things to be but not looking at cold hard reality.
If anything, instead of thinking of spending the holidays with him, you should end the relationship with the goal of having a clean start for 2021. At least, that’s what I would do. Gather your friends and family around you for support. Use the holidays for down time for yourself and healing. Journaling, yoga, whatever will help you.
D.
If spending the holidays makes you worried, plan ahead something nice for yourself, something that you’re looking forward to. Book a cabin in a nice place you’ve always wanted to visit, take some nice books, stuff you love to eat, candles, comfy clothes, and nurture yourself instead of spending the holidays with him. What tells you he won’t ruin it with his unpredictable behavior? Sometimes being alone can be a blessing.
You already know he won’t bring any good to your life in the long term.
Seek the help of a counsellor to help you go through that difficult time. You’re strong, you’re capable. Take care.Kalyn
Hi Leanne…I’m not going to tell you to leave him because I don’t think you’re there yet. I’ll give you my opinion as to why he was probably upset in the first place, and what you should consider before marrying him. The way I see it, there are two separate issues here so I’ll start with the lesser of the two.
I can actually understand why he was upset in the first place. If you’re family is important to you and you are at the point of getting married, there is little excuse for not arranging some sort of introductory gathering and firmly insisting your mom attend. You obviously can’t force her, but at least you tried. If your dad doesn’t know him well enough to be happy about the engagement, and you care about his opinion, you should take what steps are necessary to rectify the situation. If he is STILL unhappy, again, you tried. If there is a specific reason your parents object to the marriage, it’s up to you to decide how much you care about that but I would still try to work it out so that you have less family stress later on. As for social media, I get being a private person but your boyfriend was so excited to present you with a ring that he selected and probably financially sacrificed for, that he couldn’t even wait until you were at dinner. Most men thrive on appreciation and you posting your beautiful new engagement ring on social media would have shown him how appreciative and proud you were. I would have been extremely disappointed as well. My boyfriend and I went on an incredible vacation and when we returned, I tagged him in the photos I posted. It took him a week to accept the tag and post any of his own because he’s just not all that active on social media. But I was SO excited about sharing our trip that my feelings were quite hurt. Just something to think about.
The bigger issue is obviously his drinking and behavior while drinking. People say and do crazy (and sometimes awful) things when they’re drunk. He may never be the type to get physical when he’s under the influence but even if that’s true, emotional abuse can be incredibly damaging. You are going to have arguments and disagreements throughout your marriage…this CAN NOT be the way he deals with those occurrences. You bring children into the picture and you are then culpable for any damage his drinking does to them. If you truly want to support him (and it seems that is what you intend to do), at the very least I would insist on a program and therapy before you marry him so that he can learn healthier coping skills. He will have little incentive to get his problem under control once you’ve said “I Do”. I would also set some sort of deadline for him to seek help. Additionally, I DO agree with the comment above that you may be codependent so you might also want to consider some therapy for yourself?
In any case, I’m sorry this is occurring and I hope that your boyfriend can get healthy for the sake of the relationship.
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