Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › HELP–My LDR Boyfriend of 7 months has just ghosted me!
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Susi.
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Theodora
HELP, please! My LDR boyfriend of 7 months has just ghosted me. We were in regular contact, spoke to each other daily and tried to meet regularly too. (We live an hour’s drive from each other.) We seemed to be a great couple with lots of love, affection and passion, intimacy and closeness, we had serious converstaions, shared a lot with each other, I knew his deepest desires and fears and he knew mine, there was a lot of trust and mutual support between us. He told me that I’m not only his girlfriend, I am also his best friend, and so was he mine. Everything seemed to be going fine, until last weekend, when he didn’t reply to my e-mail. It was so not like him, but I tried not to worry, I told myself that I trust him and everything must be fine. 3 days passed, he had never been away from me for so long, so I sent a short text message to his phone, telling him that I hope everything is alright with him. He hasn’t replied at all, nothing, which is so unlike him, he has never done this to me. I tried to check his activity on social media, but I couldn’t tell. Sometimes he goes weeks without any activity and he’s alive and kicking, he’s just not a fan of social media. I just don’t know what to do. I had trust issues before I met him and I told him he helped me a lot in regaining my trust in relationships. I kept telling myself that it can’t be happening, he’s not a jerk, but in fact, this is what’s happening. I would accept a breakup if that’s what makes him happy, there would be no drama and he knows it, I just can’t believe that he vanishes into thin air instead of respecting me a tiny bit and telling me how he feels and what he wants. After all the things we shared for 7 months. Now it feels like nothing was true from our relationship, there were no deep feelings from his part and he has never really been there for me. It hurts like crazy, it feels like I’ve been living in an illusion. I really don’t know what to do to stop this pain. I sometimes feel like calling him up and asking why, what happened and telling him it’s not OK to treat people like this. I don’t know. I feel like I’m going crazy. What helps in a situation like this?
K
What is preventing you from calling?
I don’t get how you can be so close and yet you won’t phone him? You rely on email and text?
Theodora
Yes, mostly text and e-mail and skype. And real life meetings of course. He doesn’t like calls because they are expensive, but we do skype calls from time to time. He’s off on skype too, but that doesn’t mean anything, he usually is. We mostly agree via text when to do a skype videocall and we go online at that specific time. I think I will just call him tonight, wonder if he’ll answer the phone. I might seem desperate though.
Janeen
Wait, you live an hour away and he does’t like calls because they are expensive?? Big big red flag. Only an hour away by car is NOT LDR! Not hearing from someone in a week and calling is not desperate. Are you sure he is what and who he says he is?
Shannon
Hmm. Phone calls too expensive? Once upon a time that excuse might have flown, but most people are on plans that allow them to talk for a certain number of minutes. Have you ever been to his house? Or does he only come to yours?
I agree that after seven months you have the right to reach out and call to try to get an explanation.
Theodora
Yes, he is what he says he is, I’ve met some of his family and friends, been to his place as well, seen his ID card. He hasn’t got a steady job now, so he’s real tight on money, I accapted that he finds old-fashioned phone calls expensive and settled with skyping him sometimes. It’s been only 4 days, but it seems extreamly long, as he would contact me every day normally. And answers my messages very quickly, but now….My gut tells me there’s something going on here, but I’m not sure what, that’s why I’d like to call him tonight. Maybe I should wait a couple of more days, but it’s been such a torture for me. I’ve had this weird feeling in my gut since last Saturday, but I told myself there’s nothing to worry about, yet now it turns out that there is….My intuition usually works pretty well. I’d like to know what’s going on.
Theodora
I personally think that this kind of silent treatment is disrespectful in a relationship unless you have a very good reason.
Shannon
Honestly, after a week I consider the relationship over. That’s the cut off I’ve always given someone who is ignoring me. A few days, well, something might be going on. But a week…the person is deliberately not contacting you. There is no bones about it. Call him tonight and see if you can get hold of him. But yes, trust your intuition! It’s usually right. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Unfortunately all you can do in these situations.
Theodora
Ok, I’ll let you know how it went, or if he even picked up the phone for me.
Theodora
I decided to call him earlier, he’s currently unemployed, suppose I can’t disturb him in anything special. His number was currently unavailable, so I couldn’t reach him. He might be recharching the phone’s batteries, but it’s weird because as far as I know he usually keeps his phone on, just numbs it if it shouldn’t disturb him. I wonder if he ever read my message from yesterday evening, I sent an old-fashioned short text message to his Blackberry, so I can’t see if he read it or not. :-( I’m getting worried and confused now. Where is he? What happened? Or am I over-reacting? I’ll try to get back to him later.
Amy
This guy sounds like he’s probably married or dating another woman. One hour is NOT long distance, and his saying that phone calls are too expensive is ridiculous. Plus, he’s unemployed. I would dump him right away, just message him and tell him you’ve thought it over, it’s not working for you, wish him well, and then block him from your phone and email so you don’t have further contact with you. There is no reasonable explanation for why he won’t talk to you on the phone, and the unemployed thing is another huge problem. It’s one thing if you’re established with a man who gets laid off – it can happen to anyone .It’s quite another to get involved with a guy who doesn’t earn a solid living at the onset of the relationship.
Theodora
He’s not married, I’ve been to his apartment, he lives alone and it’s obvious, there’s no sign of any female there. He has got two part-time jobs at the moment, though this week they’re off, he earns enough to pay his rent and food. He’s not well off, but when we’re out, it’s always him who pays for everything, I once suggested that we should split the bills, but he refused it and paid. He has plans for getting a better job, he’s been out of work for only 6 months.
Yet his number is still unavailable, it makes me freak out, I’ve just tried to call him again. Has he lost his phone and never got my text message? To me, he has been a good guy, someone so much different from all the jerks I met before him and now I’m not even sure if he’s ghosted me, but if not I just don’t see what’s happening. It’s all crazy. :-(Julie
Go to his home. See what’s up. He’s your BF and if something happened to him, would anyone know to contact you?
He’s only an hour away..SthrnBelle
I agree that this expensive phone calls excuse is a bit of a red flag but I have met people who genuinely thought so. You have been to his place and know his friends and relatives. Something is definitely up. I have no idea what. In this case I say if my BF of over a year does not respond to a text, I call him. Now you tried that so go to his place, one hour is not LDR. I have no idea what is going on but at least you will find out. In this case ghosting would be weird. Get your answers so at least you are not going crazy. Not knowing is the worst.
Leslie
The excuse about the expensive phone calls might be true. The message that his number is unavailable suggests he has run out of minutes on a “pay as you go” plan. Maybe he is flat broke and cannot afford to top up his minutes.
I am sure however if he really wanted to – he could borrow someone else’s phone to call you – from a landline or another cell. But dead silence?
Seven months LDR is a long time. He had no deep feelings for you and was “never really there” for me says he was not taking the relationship seriously. I am sorry to say but it appears he has ghosted you which is a coward’s way of ending things. If he valued you, he would CALL from another phone!!
Move on dear.
Theodora
He has just texted me, so he’s alive, thanks goodness. He said he stayed at his grandparents’ -I knew he visited them at the weekend, but stayed for more and is still there because they need help. There’s no wifi there, but he said he decided today to find some in town and write me before I get worried. Now I got an e-mail from him too, apologizing for letting me get worried, said he found a wifi connection and will use it till he gets back to his place. He also invited me to go and see his grandparents with him, they live near a beautiful lake.
Janeenn
Well that has to be a relief. yOu’ve still got some issues to deal with. Trust me, one hour away is not an LDR. How old are you, do you really see this relationship as having future? Maybe the answer is yes. I don’t know, just asking.
Theodora
Yes, I know there are some issues. He has some issues too, like anxiety, but I also have mine. In the past I always wounded up with utter jerks, many of them were abusive, emotinally and physically too, this guy is so much different. He doesn’t want to put me down, he never hurts me on purpose, he’s kind to me and encourages me, the only thing I know is that I love him dearly. I hope we will have a future together. By the way, he’s 28 and I’m 26.
SthrnBelle
I really thought somehow in this instance that he was not ghosting you based on everything you said and just a gut feeling. I think that he is genuine because he even invited you to go there, why don´t you? He is initiating and you could have a great vacay.
I see nothing majorly wrong although what you said about I just know I love him dearly is well not enough. You have to be compatible, have some common interests, both committed to working on the relationship, be mature, work on your issues and overcome them to the greatest extent possible among others.
I really disagree that she should push for anything. Let things flow easily and effortlessly and see how he does. No, a man does not have to ask you at all to move in or marry him after 7 months, this is individual anyhow. If you are happy with him, he is not controlling and abusive like your former partners, just be happy and enjoy it in a relaxed way.
Like I said before 1 hour is not LDR, others have confirmed this but the guy is interested in you, just do not be overly invested, not way more than him. Again easy does it.
Josie
I’m just wondering… if he knew he was going to be without WiFi, why didn’t he tell you before he left to go to his grandparents?
This past year I had an amazing LDR with someone I was friends with in high school. We re-connected on social media. He was the one who subtly transitioned it from friends to something more and then suddenly talked about Love and being Together in the future. It felt like a beautiful soulmate relationship. We really are compatible.
Then I noticed this woman friend of his posting stuff about him and her. Turns out they have been a couple for 3 years.
I am not saying don’t trust your boyfriend. But I do suggest you take things R E A L slow and anyway, what’s the rush? Enjoy your life! Sit back and let him make the effort. Enjoy it when he woos you and meanwhile also stay alert to reality.
Here is another tip. Men who do not succeed with their career dreams, or who don’t have career dreams and stay stuck in mediocre lives, are not happy with themselves and can become toxic in a relationship. They get very crabby. And if you succeed and they don’t, they will have a very, very hard time not feeling threatened and inadequate, super-touchy, miserable, resentful… you get the idea.
Take things R E A L slow.
Sun
My only comment here would be to confirm in my own real life experience and current relationship that 1 hr away is not an LDR. My BF lives in NJ – 1 to 1 1/2 hour from NYC (I live in the upper east side of Manhattan). He was the one who asked me after our 2nd date if him living that far would be an issue with me. I was like, why would that be an issue. You’re the one that comes to me. I have no problem with the distance. He said, he asked before he proceeds because apparently some women he dated before me didn’t like the distance as “they can’t be spontaneous” or see each other for coffee or lunch (ROLLING MY EYES!) LOL!!! Really? that’s what those women were demanding? Well, their huge loss as this man, my BF of over a year is an awesome man. I sometimes have to really even slap my face to check if this is not a dream. I had a great marriage that ended unexpectedly. My late husband had one of those freaky heart attack even though he was 10 lbs underweight, went to the 3x a week, and had a stress free happy life. No warning. We were together for 24 years (16 years married when he passed away 2 years ago).
My late husband was one of my crowning achievements (plus our beautiful and smart daughter). He was the opposite of men that are the subject of most postings here from women who are in pain, distress, and sad relationships or less than desirable dating experiences. So he was the one positive experience that I can measure the next guy against. My brother-in-law even said, my husband was a tough act to follow. But, I am truly blessed because I met my BF of over a year and he’s even an enhanced version of my late husband. Nobody is perfect but just perfect for me. They both met my standards and have those important qualities that I look for a man I want to invest my time and affection with.
Shannon
Glad you heard from him and everything is okay! Whew!
Maria
What prevented him from letting you know he would be away without wifi? And where are the places these days when there is no wifi. Surely there is a cafe somewhere where he was with wifi available? I think there is more to the story than he lets out. He seemed to be a normal decent guy, communicating fine without any stunts, then all of a sudden he vanishes and thinks you would not think anything to it? You’ve been in constant contact all this time and then…pooh! He is not a retard, anyone would be worried and upset in this case. Men and women alike. I’d be careful in your shoes. Observe carefully. Something just doesn’t add up.
Tom
Hey Theodora-
Not sure how I ended up reading your post but at least it was interesting. I’ve had a female BFF for the past 5 years and there are times where we disappear from each others lives so, at first, we were just like you posted – confused, anxious, apprehensive, etc, etc. We eventually came up with the term – “Don’t overthink the room.” Meaning – trust in knowing how I feel about you, that those feelings are not trivial, will not go away but at some times in your life you need to focus on you, your family, your job, etc.
I currently haven’t talked with her for over a month and probably won’t talk to her all summer (she is a teacher) but it’s not because my feelings have changed. Sometimes you need to focus on you and your pursuit of your purpose in life. Find those thibgs that keep you centered. Control what you can control, dismiss what you can’t and when you have some time where you can’t talk with your BF, take that time and focus on improving you. Don’t overthink the room.
Thank you for not taking some of the responses suggested and for patiently waiting for things to be resolved (and they turned out logically like you had hoped). Don’t be afraid to give your BF space to be a person and space so he can feel your love and trust. A little away time makes the heart grow fonder. GL w/ things.
Liza
i agree.. it’s just an hour drive anyway…that will answer your question fast and clear!
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