He wants to stay friends, how to spark his interest again?


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  • #361493 Reply
    Sandra

    I was dating a guy for two months; I’m 37 and he’s 39.

    The first month, I could care less if he called or not – we had fun, but I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. Of course, he was chasing me and taking me out, and he treated me great, which is what made me keep going out.

    Then I started having feelings for him and we slept together. I started to feel guilty about how I had treated him that first month, and I though to myself, ‘I have to show him that I do like him.’ And of course, that’s when the problems started.

    I pursued a bit, then he became a bit distant, so then I acted needy and I’m sure he felt pressured, turned off perhaps. I failed the ‘testing’ phase :/

    He ended things, saying we could never quite align. I had a huge epiphany about the way I’ve behaved with men my whole life to turn them off, by overfunctioning and being to preoccupied with where things stood, I’m ready to behave differently.

    As we ended things, he gave me more verbal feedback than he had in the entire relationship, saying that I was unique and kind-hearted, and that he really hopes we can be friends because he wants my creative and positive energy in his life.

    I didn’t respond to his text right away, and a few hours later he texted again, saying, ‘Penny for your thoughts.’ That made me think he was still invested in some way. So I replied that I appreciated what he said and felt good about being friends – was that a mistake if what I really want is to give dating another try?

    I am very clear about the fact that I will not be initiating contact with him. I want him to chase me, and I’m hoping that will inspire his feelings for me to rekindle. Do you think I’m being realistic to have any hope to start dating him again?

    I am definitely starting to date others, and am not waiting around for him, but I feel like things with him would work so much better the second time around.

    #361499 Reply
    Sandra

    It’s me, the OP. I forgot to mention one detail, that in all of our interactions over ending things, I was never disrespectful or dramatic.

    Also, when I told him that I felt good about being friends, he replied that made him very happy.

    #361744 Reply
    Anne

    Sandra,

    If you do want to date this guy again, you should have been honest w him.. By telling him you are OK being just friends – why would he assume you want more? And his reply seems about right, as he is the one who wants to be friends w you so of course you accepting this would make him happy.

    If I were you I would say something to him like, ‘the more I thought about it, friendship is not what I want.. I want to focus my time and energy on someone who is wanting what I want’. Then wish him well and go no contact.

    #361747 Reply
    LAgirl

    You agreeing just to be friends is going to either friend zone you or put you into FWB category. Neither is what you want.

    At this point, not sure you can turn this around. Once a man loses the ‘attraction’ it isn’t likely to come back. Plus, you really don’t know if he saw you as GF material to begin with, so you are assuming its your behavior that drove him away. The behavior may be a big part of it – but it may have also solidified his decision when he was on the fence anyway.

    I would not invest too much time in this one…

    #361752 Reply
    Ivy

    Dear Sandra, Here is the “Can you be friends with him test while secretly hoping that he falls for you again”:

    First notice how the above statement is not honest. Dishonesty is not mature.

    Next, notice that instead of sharing your true feelings, of wanting another chance at dating rather than friendship you are hoping that you can secretly manipulate him into falling for you by being some improved version of yourself. He will see through this.

    Next notice that instead of communicating with him that you would love to be friends but you are interested in dating and it would be hard for you to be friends with a man that you want to date and you won’t pretend that it isn’t the case. Communication is the #1 predictor for relationship skills and happiness.

    Last, ask yourself if you still want to fool yourself and pretend to be friends with him, just how will you feel when he asks you for advice on some girl he met that he is totally into, head over heels. If you will be ok with that then be friends. If not, then rethink this.

    #361782 Reply
    Sandra

    I figured that he needed to feel freedom from my neediness, so I didn’t want to have any more serious or difficult conversation.

    I do want to let him know that I want to give dating another try, but not until he reaches out and we make plans to see each other.

    I don’t think he’s a waste of time at all, even if eventually things don’t work out the way I’d like them to with him. The experience I’ve had with him make it possible for me to feel secure that now I can have a good relationship, and I don’t have anxiety around find a relationship. That’s gold.

    #361789 Reply
    Ivy

    Hi Sandra, Well, a little space from one difficulty to a conversation with him about trying out dating again seems reasonable. It seems at least that you are thinking about this in a level headed manner. However, I suggest that you ask him about dating when you meet him again and not really prolong that question. The reason why is that whereas you say that you are ok with being friends now, as you spend more time with him even as a friend you may start to deepen your emotional attachment and it may not be a good idea if he is still only interested in friendship and that will be more hurtful to you in the long run.

    I think to go from dating to friendship is not automatic as it takes time to let go of the romantic notion at least for you since you still want to date him, though not for him because he already decided that he only wants to be friends with you. When a man dates you and then only wants to be friends with you I think that is a big long-shot to expect him to change back to wanting to date you. If a man is unsure about a woman he will often date her while he is working out his interest but if a man flat out says he just wants to be friends, then he has worked that out already.

    If I were you I would suggest a break from contact and/or seeing him so that you can internally move from dating to friendship. If the two of you are meant to be, then it will happen. It is more of a long-shot by trying to move right into friendship mode though.

    #361790 Reply
    Diane

    You can hope for a 2nd chance, but if you try to chase it, you probably will never get it…

    On the flip side, if you allow yourself freedom to move on, it is not that hard….

    Once you have a new love interest, you won’t be thinking about this guy at all..

    I was in your shoe 6 months ago… After going NC for 2 months, I now ran into a new guy…. Lots of flirting now, lots of fun now… God, who still cares about that old guy….. Lol

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