This topic contains 26 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by T from NY 2 weeks, 6 days ago.
February 11, 2020 at 8:13 am #785083
I’ve (42) Been dating this guy (39) for about a month and half. We have seen each other once or twice a week dinner/drinks but also spent all day and night together one Saturday which was so fun. He has 2 kids and divorced over a year ago. He has said he is a “one women man” and is only dating me. I just told him last week I am only dating him. He proceeded to say “he doesn’t care if I date other guys” and basically the reason he’s only dating me is because he has kids and has no other time. Should I continue it with this guy? I’m looking for something more serious eventually but I’m not sure if he is ready.February 11, 2020 at 9:27 am #785089
Nope he isn’t! I would move on if I were you. He seems to be looking for casual onlyFebruary 11, 2020 at 9:58 am #785092
Wow…what a charmer!! The only reason I’m only dating you right now is because I don’t have time to meet or see someone else! So essentially when something better comes along you’ll be dumped. If you are looking for serious, it doesn’t sound like this guy is going to be ready anytime soon. Now granted you’ve only been seeing each other 6 weeks but if he doesn’t care if you’re sleeping with other guys then I think that tells you where he’s at!!February 11, 2020 at 10:18 am #785096
At least he’s told you where he’s at. Any guy that tells you that he doesn’t care if you date other guys is not looking for anything serious, at least not with you. Six weeks is plenty of time for him to know if he feels a connection with you. If the thought of you seeing other men doesn’t bother him, then he doesn’t feel one.
He’s been divorced a year- that’s not much time. Presumably he was married for years before that. He might just need more time to work through the divorce before he can think of settling into a serious relationship. So I wouldn’t take it personally; he obviously likes your company but for whatever reason is not thinking of anything serious with you.February 11, 2020 at 11:15 am #785108
YIKES. Well, at least he was honest and clear. There is no misinterpreting that. Please cut him loose and let the universe treat you better. If you stay with him, you are asking for all sorts of self esteem problems as you try to figure him out.February 11, 2020 at 7:41 pm #785152
So to follow up on my original post…today I jokingly texted something like “well since you want me to date other guys” and he said “I wouldn’t say I WANT you to date other guys – silly”. I guess he meant he doesn’t mind if I do because I don’t have kids and more free time etc. I have to confess, I was pretty drunk when this convo took place. I am going to see him Thursday so I will get more details. But yes I agree, if he doesn’t mind if I see other guys, that’s not the kind of relationship I’m looking for, esp at 41 never been married!!!February 11, 2020 at 11:49 pm #785166
T from NY
3 things. Blunt with love —
WhenEVER a man repeats back to you a sentence with the word silly on the end of it — It means in manspeak “Oh my gawd she’s totally onto me” and know that what you said was ABSOLUTELY CORRECT
Never misunderstand a man trying to backpedal and protect his “easy” sex, companionship situation as a man who really cares for you. 99.9 percent do NOT and are using you as a placeholder
He is absolutely not into youFebruary 11, 2020 at 11:51 pm #785167
T from NY
And that’s okay. Because even if it’s stings a little – when you have great self love you quickly lose interest in ANY DUDE
I. Do. Not. Care. How. Seemingly. Spectacular. because if he ain’t into you — he ain’t for you — and that’s what YOU want and require.February 12, 2020 at 12:05 pm #785190
Tough love time: I hate that update. Besides being needy and seeking validation in your comments (which you totally were doing), this is what the update should have looked like: I ended it with this guy because he will never give me what I want.
I am honestly not sure why you are continuing to see him, drunk or not. His statement was very very clear. Continuing to go back to him will not morph it into what you want to hear.
Please end it. This man is getting less invested, not more over time. And 6-8 weeks is where a man decides if he is in or not. THIS GUY IS NOT.
“Bob, I thought about it, and while I have enjoyed spending time with you, I am going to cancel Thursday. In addition, I do not think we should keep seeing each other. It has become clear over the last few interactions that we are not on the same page about what we want – and for me that is a committed relationship with the potential for something long term. I truly wish you the best.”
My guess is his answer will be “That is disappointing, but I get it, best of luck to you as well”. I doubt it will be “Please don’t leave me”February 12, 2020 at 12:08 pm #785192
he literally told you he would be multidating if he had more time. gross.February 12, 2020 at 5:43 pm #785231
I totally agree with tall spicy. When you first had this convo which is a sort of version of were we stand, you knew deep down that this statement wasnt what you wanted to hear and that it means he is fine with casual dating you and have some fun. So that follow up just shows you hope there will be another outcome. And thursday you have another talk about it. There should not be another meeting on thursday if you mean you are looking for a meaningful relationship. If you are looking for one, you cant afford to waste time on time wasters. There is no shame in saying, i got your comment and i think we are not on the same page. Period. The endFebruary 14, 2020 at 5:32 pm #785402
So I wanted to give ya’ll an update. A guy friend of mine said he thought he said that because he didn’t want to be the one to bring up the exclusivity talk. The guy says really really nice things and I haven’t clicked with someone like this is years. So I decided to say it again and get his response when I wasn’t drunk. I told him last night that I am not seeing anyone and don’t want to see anyone because i’m busy with work etc as well that just because i don’t have kids doesn’t mean I want to date multiple guys. He said Awwwww and leaned in to kiss me, it was really sweet. He went on to say he doesn’t like the idea of me with someone else but didn’t want to tell me how to spend my free time because i don’t have kids and he has them 50% of the time and can’t give me all of his time at this point. We had an amazing time last night and got way closer. He asked me if i brought my overnight bag lol. I said no and he was disappointed (I’m the first girl he wants to stay the night with him since his divorce so it’s kind of a big deal). I ended up staying of course and it was awesome!! He mentioned me meeting his kids at some point which is huge. so we’ll see!!February 14, 2020 at 6:00 pm #785415
Jesus. That is a worse update than the first one.
You just said to him in not so many words “do whatever you want to me because you warned me of your unavailability and instead of listening to you, I am all in”.
Notice he did not say he would not date others or that he wanted you to be a xclusive.he said he is busy and does not have time to multidate, so a nice warm body such as yours will be just a fine companion. Of course he wants you to stay over, because you give him easy access to sex (non exclusive and non relationship growing, just casual and easy with no strings sex)
You seem to be unable to see a red flag if it covered your eyes.
I dated a man with kids 50% of the time and these are the words he said at 3 weeks “I can’t imagine dating anyone else” and making sure we got exclusive and called to make sure I ended it with anyone in my pipeline. He would have never imagined me seeing anyone else, or him seeing anyone else.February 14, 2020 at 6:02 pm #785418
You did not get closer, or should I say, he did not get closer, you did. Meeting the kids may just make it easier for him. You have been warned that you are a placeholder. Men who want to commit would never make you think that.February 14, 2020 at 7:48 pm #785429
Unbelievable.. I’m not tying to be harsh, but are you this naïve??February 15, 2020 at 4:54 am #785452
When I read “he said Awwwww and leaned in to kiss me” my first thought wasn’t “how sweet”, it was that he’s buying time while deciding how to respond.
Are you really so naive that you think “Awwwww” and a kiss followed by sex means he didn’t mean what he said.
After 6 weeks he should be locking you down into an exclusive relationship, not telling you he would date around if he had time!
You’re ignoring advice you don’t want to hear and grabbing onto anything you do want to hear.February 15, 2020 at 5:47 am #785453
If you’re just having fun with him & not looking for anything serious,then by all means DO U..But if you really want something serious with this guy you best wise up & pipe this situationship down,luv..With that being said hear me out..When he breaks your heart dont blame him blame yourself..Take heed,this man is leaving the window of opportunity ajar for you to find true happiness & not settle for him..You’re single with no kids ain’t nothing nice or cute about you continously asking a man the same thing over & over in hopes that he’ll change what he said to save your feelings..Shenanigans!..Seek & you shall find,but you better be prepared..February 15, 2020 at 4:16 pm #785486
I would be leery of guys who use their kids and not having time because of their kids as an excuse. I dated several men in the past who always used the “I don’t have time because of my kids” excuse and it turned out they were dating several women.
I also am leery of guys who make a point of telling me that I’m the first one he asked to stay over, etc. I’ve been told that too and it’s turned out to be a lie, every time.
My thought is this guy plays games, and painful past experiences has taught me that men who are newly separated and/or divorced are not ready for a committed relationship. He’s looking to have fun. And the whole kids thing is a built in excuse to keep you at arm’s length but on the hook, because what kind of woman would fault a man for wanting to spend time with his kids?
I would be dating other people. It sounds like you’re putting all your eggs into his basket and you’re going to get hurt. You’re 41 and never married, he’s 39, been there, done that, not looking for another wife for a while. He’s a waste of time. I know you’re not going to listen (Lord knows I never did) so I just hope he doesn’t waste too much of your precious time before you’re convinced that he’s not the one.February 16, 2020 at 3:25 am #785505
OP, he seems to have acknowledged he’s pleased you are not dating others, but hasn’t taken the same stance that he doesn’t want to. This doesn’t feel at all like an exclusive agreement that he’s investing in
How long has he been separated?February 16, 2020 at 6:04 am #785506
It wouldn’t hurt to date others at this point… Sometimes it takes getting the red carpet treatment from someone else to realise the douchebag you’re into right now doesn’t deserve your love.February 16, 2020 at 6:34 am #785509
I would take things slowly. A year divorced is nothing. I’m sure he wants to relish in his freedom for a bit longer, which means psychologically not committing to anyone for a while. I was in your shoes 5 years ago. The guy I was seeing (divorced less than a year) told me it was okay if I dated other men because he wanted to date other women. (He never had time to do that because of his daughter but he needed to feel like he could.) So I did what he suggested. I made sure I occasionally went out with other men because it was clear that he wasn’t ready to be exclusive. We still spent time together and eventually he asked me to be exclusive but it took way longer than it should have and I was way more patient than I should have been. But I learned to take him at his word. I mirrored his actions and protected my heart until he made it clear that he wasn’t going to see other women. The only reason we stayed together was because I could see that he was taking steps to be closer to me even though those steps were tiny. If I ever thought he was backtracking or pulling away I would have ended things. People will treat you as badly as you let them, so don’t let him (or anyone) get away with bad behavior.February 16, 2020 at 12:16 pm #785522
If you would be fine with casual this would not be a big deal. But you said you want a serious relationship. This guy wont give that to you and he has told you that. But you are thinking that is sweet? What do you want at 3 months in? Problably more security in what the two of you are. I can already tell you that he will either vanish when you push for more or will spread more aaaah, so sweet when he deflects from the fact he doesnt want a relationship. And thats not even weird, since he is only single again for one year nowMarch 16, 2020 at 3:31 pm #787847
Update: No offense but I’m glad I didn’t listen to you guys. We are in a relationship now and planning a 4 day trip the end of April and have already gone for a weekend trip. It was so new I don’t think either of us knew what we wanted. He only wants to date me and he doesn’t want me to date anyone else. I was reluctant to officially say he was my boyfriend so he finally asked me point blank on Sat, if I want him to be my boyfriend. It was kind of sad to re-read some of these comments. Please ladies, don’t react so extremely, give a guy a chance. Have fun in the beginning and see were it goes. If our dating still hadn’t progressed after 3 months I was going to end it. What’s 3 months out of your life to give a new relationship to grow and get to know each other? I gauged his actions not his words before I made a decision. He always made plans with me in advance and will text me or text back several times a day. We have Sooo much fun together. He’s like a best friend but so much more. I don’t know where it will lead but I’m ok with that, that’s what life is about! Good luck everyone.March 16, 2020 at 4:52 pm #787852
Good luck to you! I hope it works out for you two. As for planning any trips in the near future….Covid19 says NO!March 16, 2020 at 5:58 pm #787855
Im happy this worked out for you. Its nice to hear a good start now and then. The reason most of us are so ‘harsh’ is because they are rare. Too bad. So many girls get strung along and keeping false hope. And most post here because their gut is already talking.