Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He told me about his mental health
This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Tammy 6 months ago.
this is a short one. I’m dating a guy for 2 months now, everything’s going well. He told me he suffers from mental, anxiety to be exact and he can have mood swings at any moment. He used to take medication but now goes counselling. He also told me he can come off as aggressive without meaning to. I haven’t seen that side of him though.
I’m afraid of not working out. I don’t want to fix him, but I will try to support him, but I know if I want this long term and so does he, then I’m going to go on a rollercoaster ride with him.
Should I walk away?
He needs both medication & therapy…
This would be a Nope for me.
Right now hes ok. Early days. But hes already warnd you about issues which you will face in future due to his behaviour. You need to take a call. If i was in your place, and it was early days, i wld have walked away. Who wants unnecessary drama? You cant fix anyone and you dont have to nurse him nor do u need to be around trying to undrstnd when he goes rogue. Seriously just walk awy.
Though my views may hv been difrnt had your bf developed issues whn you were alrdy in a steady telatnship.
Get more information. How severe and how long has he suffered this condition? How does it manifest? Does he have any idea what the root cause is?
It’s actually good he’s off the meds and seeing a counselor because the meds only control the symptoms, they don’t solve the underlying issue – counseling does that. You are wise to be wary. If this isn’t a thing he’s had for years, he may be able to solve it. Ask if he has a plan for handling issues in a relationship that could trigger his anxiety.
If he’s had this for years, you are well in your rights to walk away. And don’t feel guilty. There are so many posts here about people dealing with anxiety and it’s badly affecting their relationship. It really needs to be addressed and under control before someone can be in a relationship, otherwise it’s unfair on the other person.
I don’t feel you should ever say no because of mental health. Everyone experience MH struggles at some point, just some are aware and work on it, others are unaware or ignorant to it.
I would suggest asking him what he would need from you and asking for boundaries early on. This guy might be more understanding of your bad days. But you are right you cannot fix them. Just remember that any bad day is not your fault or about you. He just might need space and time to work through things. This is not because he doesn’t like you, but maybe because of his MH. Ask for the honest and open conversations and if he doesn’t like you anymore, he needs to tell you
But ultimately, give him space if he needs it
You don’t need to automatically write him off over this since he’s actively getting help and has been for some time, unless you’re already sure it doesn’t mesh with what you’re looking for and won’t be healthy for you (if you’re already thinking through your decisions based on your fears, that’s not good). However, in addition to asking more questions, you need to make sure he’s never taking his issues out on you. The red flag is him saying he may get aggressive towards you. Because if that’s the case, then he doesn’t actually have his condition managed. A good partner can have a bad day but should not take it out on you. You shouldn’t put up with bad behavior just because he’s got issues. Issues explains why but is not an excuse. So have another conversation for more information and if you decide to continue getting to know him, observe your dynamic without making excuses from there, and see how it goes. If he doesn’t show up for you as a consistently good partner, then it will be time to leave. If you continue with him now, go slow on emotional investment until you have some more information and have gotten to know him and his condition better. Don’t rush forward and excuse it with, but I’ve caught feelings!, because that’s what leads to the roller coasters.
Thank you for all your posts. He said he’s had it for 3 years now his MH. I really like him and it seems he likes me. My BFF said maybe this is his way of being vulnerable to me and getting close to me not trying to push me away…but I don’t know. I don’t even know how to set boundaries.
@maddie he said he has anger issues, his mental health came from childhood trauma I won’t go into detail. He said that that’s what he’s trying to deal with in counselling.
I’m gonna tell him that I’ll support him on his bad days but I won’t tolerate you taking your aggressiveness on me.
That sounds like a plan. The way to set boundaries is to keep your words and actions the same. If you say you won’t tolerate aggressiveness and then it happens, you need to then keep your word in actions, even if that means leaving or ending things. An apology from him and then repeat behavior just leads to a toxic relationship.
I also wouldn’t assume he’s telling you this to be vulnerable… he may also be doing it to feel like he’s “warned” you. If it turns out he has full-on anger management problems rather than is just a bit moody or anxious sometimes, do not stick around.
How does he typically behave when hes very angry? Throw things, abuse, shout, get violent occasionally? Ask him. I wld tread very carefully bec i faced this.. this sort of trauma and drama never ever leaves you if you hv been a recipient. Maybe when he gets angry, he goes silent?
So pls set up clear boundaries in your head in terms of what is acceptable behaviour. And walk away when those boundRies are crossed! From my experience, i can say its gud that hes seekin therapy which means hes trying to overcome his issue.
There is another issue which is worrying. The fact that in the event he does cross those set boundaries some time in future, you may be deep in a relatnship with him and walking away at such time will def not be easy..
So pls weigh ur pros and cons before you decide to get into a relatnship with him.