Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › He says I'm insecure of his female best friend
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T from NY.
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Christine
My boyfriend of 1 month. Dating for 2 months prior. The day he asked me to be his GF, that same night he mentions that now he can introduce me to everyone and especially his best friend because she’s been dying to meet me. I said “she?, what friend is this?, He said yes his best friend of over 20 years. I said we been talking for over 2 months and you never brought her up before. His response was that “because she is real special to him and he can’t wait for me to meet her.
We were at a Thanksgiving party with his family so i didn’t make a big deal out of it. So a few days later we were talking on the phone and it kept vibrating and he tells me he has to call me back. When he does, he’s driving and he tells me that he is on his way to meet up with his best friend at her hotel, because her and her husband are having issues and she left the house and wanted some advice. It was like 10pm. I told him I felt completely uncomfortable with that. He claimed he was going to meet her at the bar in the hotel to just talk, and not go into the room.
I told him that it bothers me and he said that i’m just insecure and why don’t i trust him and that he is not going to stop meeting up with her because she is his best friend and i have no right to tell him who he can and cannot hang out with. That he is a grown 39 year old man and he is not looking to play games or be with someone that cannot trust him and acts insecure. He says that I need to accept that he had a life before me and that he isn’t going to change anything.
He then tells me that he spoke with her and told her our business and that me and him had a disagreement about them hanging out and she told him to tell me that she would love to meet me to explain that they are just friends. My response was that I have no interest to meet her. Aside from this, she also goes to his house with her 2 yr old son, like 2-3 times a week to “hang out” and play cards. They also share a Netflix and Hulu account together.
About a week ago, her car broke down on the highway and he left work early to go pick her up and help her boost her car. I told him why didn’t she have her husband (they got back together) help her. Why does she need you to go drive one hour to go help her. He tells me again to stop with my insecurity and he was just helping a friend. I told him that it is completely inappropriate and her husband should be the one getting her. He says that her husband has no issue with them hanging out alone and I need to get over my insecurities and stop creating stories in my head.
Long story short i went off on him and told him that clearly she is a priority for him and it looks like she will always come before me and I broke up with him. A week later we did end up talking things out and he ended up apologizing and we got back together. Fast forward to yesterday.
Yesterday we were texting about our day and he told me that he had no plans for the evening. So i call him later that night and i hear a kid in the background and i asked him if that was the TV, and he said no it was his friends son, and i said what friend, his response was his best friend came over and he’ll call me back when they leave.
He calls me back 4 hours later, I was like so she was there for 4 hours. I told you I don’t feel comfortable with you two hanging out alone and why did he lie and say that he had no plans that day when clearly he had plans to hang out with her. He claims that they were pretty much talking about me the whole time and that she was asking when is she going to meet me.
So his last text to me that night was to stop overreacting and being insecure and that he didn’t tell me she was coming over because he wasn’t trying to argue. I never texted back. He texted me good morning today and I never responded and haven’t heard from him since.
I was hoping to get some clarity and guidance because I really like him and aside from this, he is really an amazing person, his family is amazing and we all get along so well and I would like a future with him but I don’t trust that relationship with this woman he only brought up once we were official. It seems like he now, is going to hang out with her and lie about it, and whenever I tell him that it bothers me he calls me insecure. And i don’t think it has to do with being insecure. It bothers me and he shouldn’t be hanging out alone with another female.
His birthday is Thursday, and I had such amazing things planned for us to do that day. And we were going to spend New Years with my family but after yesterday i kind of am upset and idk if I even want to spend his bday with him or have him meet my family on new years.
Raven
So, Why don’t you want to meet her?
Christine
thats your advice…
Raven
No, it’s a question…
Why are you resistant to meet someone who is so important to your man?Christine
I don’t agree in men and women being platonic friends. Plus I’m not fake and would be giving her a side eye the whole time. He told her that I don’t like her going to his house and she still continues to do so.
Harry
He made it clear she isn’t going away so you have to either accept it or break up with him. It seems like he is always going to be available for her when she needs him. You also have the option to reference the quote “keep your enemies closer” and use it to your advantage. Meet her and become her best friend and when you get close enough, let her know you’re on to her game and use her weaknesses against her.
Liz Lemon
This is what I’d be uncomfortable with:
1. She’s supposedly his best friend and they spend tons of time together, but he never said a word about her existence for 3 months? (The amount of time you’ve known him). Like she never came up in conversation once? I’d wonder what he was hiding.
2. I’m fine with men and women being platonic friends, but there need to be boundaries. She shouldn’t be calling him instead of her husband in a crisis (like a car breaking down). Her husband should be her go-to guy.
3. I find the sharing of Netflix and Hulu accounts to be weird. My boyfriend and I share things like Netflix and other streaming services– it’s not something I share with friends. On its own I don’t think this would be a big deal (some friends do share that kind of stuff), but to me in this case, it’s just another symptom of their lack of boundaries.
I think it’s silly of you to refuse to meet her. But I also think this guy is way closer to this woman than I would be comfortable with in a boyfriend. She comes over to hang out, play cards etc, 2-3 time a week…how will that work of you become a serious couple and start spending multiple nights a week at his house? I assume she’ll be there too.
I can’t really give you advice because this situation won’t change. He’s made that clear. To be fair, he shouldn’t have to give up his best friend for a woman he just started dating. But I wouldn’t be comfortable either & wouldn’t date a guy like this.
Liz Lemon
Sorry, regarding point #1, I meant he never mentioned her for 2 months (not 3), while you were dating. If she’s that important to him how would she never come up in 2 months?
Rox
Hi Christine,
Let’s just brainstorm out loud for a moment. They have been friends for 20 years and you’ve been boyfriend-girlfriend for 1 month.
Yes, it’s unreasonable for you to make them stop hanging out.
What is your reasoning? Is it religious, or traditional, or you think they are amorous? All women are cheating?
A cold wall up does not show trust. Be honest with yourself.Maddie
This relationship isn’t going to be a lifestyle match. Neither of you are wrong. But you’re not going to be able to agree on this.
I side with him, personally. My best friends are men and my long-term boyfriend is fine with that because there’s nothing going on romantically or physically and there’s nothing to hide, we have full trust and it’s deserved. I have met men who are not okay with that and we parted ways before dating too long. It doesn’t make sense to me to dump 20 year friendships over someone you’ve known a couple months. I’d actually have less respect for a man who would be flakey enough to dump friends for me if we just started dating. I’d assume he’d be fickle and dump me the same way one day. But either way, I don’t think a guy is in the wrong for being uncomfortable (you are not in the wrong either for knowing what you want). I appreciate the honesty, and neither of us should have to compromise if it’s not the lifestyle and value match we’re looking for.
The one issue I do see here that he caused is you feel distrust that he didn’t mention his female best friend until after you committed, so you’ve internalized this as he was intentionally hiding something. He’s then reinforcing it by then saying he’ll hide his friendship with her, all of which is his bad. If you weren’t totally opposed to platonic friendships between men and women, I’d advise that this distrust because of his actions making you believe there’s reason to distrust is the issue to discuss. But the resolution to that would eventually be you meeting her and accepting her and him never hiding things again, even by simple omission. Since you’ll never be comfortable with her though, and since he’s got a different value set from you about friendships between sexes, you really should cut your losses. There’s no reason you should settle on this if you are certain you don’t want a partner with female friends. Find a guy who agrees with you and has a compatible lifestyle.
Christine
He hasn’t even called me all day after I didnt respond yesterday. If he cared or wanted to talk things out he would have called his “girlfriend” to make sure everything is okay. What bothers me is the fact that he said he had no plans but he lied to me because she was coming over all along. I honestly think its best for me to walk away. and I’m sure she’ll be there asap to hold his hand. Thank you everyone for your advice.
Maddie
I think he hasn’t reached out again because everything you’ve said he’s done in your posts shows he’s conflict-avoidant. He’d rather hide things from you and let you cool off than resolve them or respectfully try to compromise. You can’t easily resolve problems with someone like that anyway. You’re very likely doing the right thing for yourself. I’m sorry this sucks, but good luck to you. Better to find this out about him earlier than later!
Raven
I think, men & women can absolutely have platonic relationships…
I also think, if it smells fishy- there is a fish somewhere.
Anon
Chiming in late on this but I wonder why the female best friend doesn’t back off if she is aware that it makes you uncomfortable. Most women I think would not be comfortable with this level of intimacy- and the friend knowing this yet still coming over, hanging out. It probably creates a lot of issues within his relationship.
Emotional intimacy should be with the primary relationship and if the guy is putting his female friend in that position with that much emotional intimacy then that is the primary relationship he is in.
Liz Lemon
I totally agree, Anon! And on the flip side, I’m surprised her husband is OK with her having that level of intimacy with another man. I don’t think too many men would be OK with their parther/wife hanging out at her single guy friend’s house for hours 3 nights a week.
Amy S
nah. This wouldnt be for me. For a few reasons. He should be nicer and more understanding about it and tell her to back off if he knows youre so bothered. He has been cold and abrupt imo. Another reason. I dont think shes that happily married as she would not be leaning on your guy so much. Believe me a woman that is in love with her guy has little time or energy for other guys. Friends or otherwise. Another thing is he hadnt mentioned her at all. You usually find that men who have female friends were usually into the person at one point and got friend zoned but can hang around in the hope that they make it up to the next level if they hang around long enough. Either way because i dont know if any of these apply in this case but no not for me.
Tallspicy
Two things can be true at the same time: he should distance a little from her, and you are very insecure.
You are not a match. And honestly, your stance and behavior are those of a spoiled teenager, not someone who knows how to communicate and navigate compromise.
If there was a real issue, she would not want to meet you. And no one should be asked to be chaperoned to see a friend.
A man can cheat on you and it gives you false safety to control him into having no female friends.
He was very clear and I believe in the right to tell you he is not giving up an old and best friend … especially when you refuse to meet her which is the tantrum of a child. And no wonder he lies to you, he gets scolded, and I would not share with you either.
Neither of you have good conflict resolution skills.
Gaia
I think I see things from a different perspective here. I had a male best friend for a very long time while I was with my ex. I also used to hang out with him all the time. As our kids were the same age, our kids hung out as well and did many activities together.
Just some observations and comments:
1. If he wanted the best friend to be his girlfriend. She would be. It’s been 20 years. Sounds like they grew up together.
2. She wants to meet you to put your mind at ease. That’s the right thing to do to show you that they are platonic.
3. You have only been dating 3 months. That isn’t long at all. There is no reason for him to make such a huge lifestyle change (dump his bestie) for a woman he barely knows. Would you dump your best friend for a guy you barely know?
4. Your insecurities are showing through. It’s another woman period so you are getting territorial. That’s going to make him cut ties eventually. He already told you he isn’t going to change.
5. Her husband is okay with their friendship or at least that’s what they are saying.
6. You might not be a lifestyle match. If you can’t handle your man having woman friends and hanging out with them then he is not the guy for you.
7. When my best friend lived in my area we hung out all the time. After work, after school, at activities, over the holidays. Why should that be different because the best friend is a man?Now all that being said… I’m surprised he didn’t say anything during the early days of dating but I’m not shocked. He probably didn’t want you to run for the hills because he has a female best friend so waited until he was secure in your relationship to tell you. That to me isn’t hiding. Plus, about 3 months in is when you should be meeting his friends and slowly meeting his family. If this was a year in, I’d have a different stance but it is very early days in the relationship yet. 1st month is chase, next 2 months are infatuation, 3-4 months is when a man usually decides the type of relationship he wants with you- long-term, fwb, or platonic. You are still in the early infatuation days and should be seeing if he is a right fit for you AS HE IS NOW because he isn’t going to change.
Anon
Agree with you Amy, the other woman is most likely having issues with her husband because she is emotionally intimate with this your boyfriend. Honestly, you have to decide not to share details about your personal relationship with another person without it causing a possible rift. I would get out of this relationship now- it will not get better. She is going nowhere.
mama
The bottom line is this sounds like a deal breaker for you. It also sounds like a deal breaker for him, too.
You don’t have to turn him into a bad guy in your mind just because he won’t do what you want. He’s not a bad guy, you two just are not a good match. Don’t try to change him or berate him because he doesn’t want to change the situation … just move on.
And to be fair, you aren’t a bad gal just because you don’t want a partner who’s best friend is of the opposite sex. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Just a piece of advice for you: Using logic such as “if he loved me he would do XYZ” is unhealthy in any relationship. You will be very unhappy in your relationships if you think in ultimatums like that.
T from NY
I didn’t read all of the responses on this thread. But I can tell you this would be a flat ‘Hell no’ and walk out the door-not lookin back-typa situation for me :)
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