He says he thinks he is disappointing me.

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 1 year, 1 month ago.

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  • #750356 Reply


    I’ve been dating a man for about 7 weeks now. Things have been very good, but we’ve had an issue that has come up twice now. Long story short, I stayed overnight at his house last week and we had sex for the second time. It was really romantic and perfect and sweet. The next day he had a work-trip and texted me once for 12 hours. Normally, I would not care because we all have busy days. but because I felt so close and intimate with him the prior night this really hurt me. It made me wonder if he was pulling away and it made me feel nervous because of what happened the prior night. That night I told him my feelings and he was defensive and made excuses. He said he was sorry, but was very annoyed that I bought it up. Later he said that he feels like he is constantly disappointing me and that he feels he cannot give me as much as I need in terms of focus and communication and that he felt really down that night and was super happy that morning but totally the opposite after I brought all of this up. I don’t know if he hinted at ending it or not. He then said we were both really tired and its best to sleep on it. The thing is, he does not disappoint me. He just did in that moment when I felt I needed reassurance. We’ve texted a little today but nothing like normal. What should I do?

    #750360 Reply


    If you are ok w sleeping with a man without commit, then you need to be OK with it…

    You are obviously trying to lock him down after sex…. that was not the agreement …. he never agreed to behave as a BF after sex

    #750364 Reply


    Well we did agree we are exclusive before we had sex. We both deleted dating apps and have made lots of plans over the summer. But yeah no verbal “you are my girlfriend” talk.

    #750369 Reply


    He did reach out the day after sex, so even though it wasn’t as many times as you were used to, it does show he was thinking about you.

    You should have been CHILL and let him get his out of town work done. This would have been a great time for you to catch up with a female friend, treat yourself to a movie, etc. Something to occupy your time and emotions. He should have been wondering what YOU were up to, and this would have allowed his anticipation of spending time with you again to build.

    Men process things differently than women I’ve come to realize, and expecting him to have some big talk over a non-issue made you look overemotional. He’s probably wondering if you have a crazy side that’s coming out.

    You need to back off with the expectations, especially since you decided to sleep with him before becoming his girlfriend. Your interactions with him should be pleasant and fun. There is no relationship, so there shouldn’t be any relationship-type problems.

    If you keep being an insecure drag, you will run him off.

    #750386 Reply


    If you continue with this behavior (needy) you will run him off…

    #750389 Reply


    He is trying to manage your expectations and my guess would be he is trying to manage them down. I wouldn’t put any eggs in this basket if I were you.
    Off topic: He needed reassurance from you that he is not disappointing you. Yet you took it like things are all about you. That’s my take. You need to be super chill and detached from here on out. I would practice yoga.

    #750396 Reply

    Anne Ohio

    Basically you had a nice night together, then you complained. That’s taking the fun out of it. Quit being so intense and needing deep discussions over your fears.

    #750401 Reply


    Sounds like you have done this more than once. He said he feels as if he always disappoints you.

    It’s only 7 weeks! Why all the neediness? I’m afraid with your behavior and if this has happened more than once he just might bail on you. A man who feels he can’t make you happy won’t stick around. Seems you are unrealistically needy if you expected full on attention when he was off doing business. It’s not his job to reassure you.

    Instead of complaining you should have been happy he took time out of a busy travel business trip to think of you. Sex doesn’t bond a man to you. And neither does your current behavior.

    I think you need to back off about all your butt hurt irrational feelings. Let him do his business trip and when he does reach out be receptive. Not sure if you can save this based on his comments since it doesn’t sound like the first time you have complained in this very short 7 week session.

    #750410 Reply


    You were expecting pillow talk the next day and he was focused on travel and working. At this early stage in the dating process you are not the center of his world. You are trying to rush things instead of living in the moment.

    One thing to understand is that men many times do pull back a bit after sex to test out the woman’s reaction. Not always consciously but an experienced man knows that women tend to start having expectations after sex. Your reaction showed him that you are starting to have expectations which is what annoyed him.

    #750425 Reply


    Easy hit the nail on the head! You’re riding the oxytocin train (hormonal sex cocktail) where you bonded to him through sex but the problem is men DO NOT bond this way! Although they do have these hormones, there’s much lower to the point they dissipate during sex and when they release (ejaculate) they feel an overwhelming urge to ‘get away’ so they can reboot and get their hormonal levels back to normal.

    This is the BIGGEST MISTAKE women make with men! Men don’t attach through sex because they are hardwired the opposite of women in this realm by mother nature (biology/genetics) where he can easily go have sex with four different women every night and not catch feelings for any of them!!!

    You need to stop having sex with men until you’re in a relationship and know for certain he love’s you or you’re going to scare a lot of men away with your ‘feelings’ (after sex hormonal cocktail) if you keep acting this way. You failed the ‘sex test’ and showed him you’re one of those clingy and needy types which turns a man off in a nanosecond if he hasn’t developed any deep feelings (aka ‘love’) towards you yet.

    He doesn’t understand how a woman feels after sex because they don’t have the hormonal rush and don’t experience it the way you and most other women do. For a man, sex is a release/relief, like you craving ice cream all day long and when you finally get a taste of it your like “OMG that was just what I needed” and then the urge to eat it again for awhile (week, month or longer) is gone after you enjoyed it—same concept for a man! To them sex is a physical act, like eating, where once they’ve enjoyed the steak (had sex) they don’t think of the steak (the woman) afterwards and can go on with his life without having another thought her…until he craves steak again and doesn’t care who offers it, he’ll take it because it quenches his hunger pang, like that bowl of ice cream does for you….you don’t care WHERE the ice cream came from nor will you care where you’ll get it next time when that urge to eat it again strikes you—same concept for a man when it comes to sex!

    This is how men THINK and OPERATE so if you’re going to engage in sex be prepared for a lot of men to go get their steak elsewhere if you act emotional and clingy because they can drop a lady super quick and never give her another thought! Now if a man is IN LOVE (there are many stages) although he still derives the same relief/release through sex, she’s the only one he wants to go back and have it again and again and again and again with, not because of the sex but because of ALL the wonderful things that happens OUTSIDE of the bedroom. So if a man hasn’t fallen IN LOVE with you (declared or expressed it) don’t have sex or you risk driving yourself crazy and men running away because all he wanted with you at that point-in-time was a steak (sexual release) not a relationship.

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