Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He insists it's FWB but treats me like a girlfriend?
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Vey.
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Vey
(SORRY FOR THE LONG POST)
About three months ago, I started getting close with an acquaintance from a mutual social group. We’d already known each other for about a year, and I always had a hunch that he might like me, but we didn’t really start spending time together until three months ago. Needless to say, things developed quickly, and a few weeks later we had “the talk” about what was going on between us. I was really surprised when he told me that he is emotionally unavailable and not looking for any kind of committed relationship, since I perceived his behaviour up until that point to be quite the opposite. But, he had recently gotten out of a 6 year long-distance relationship, and it was clear he was nowhere close to being over the damage it had done.
To make a long story short, we couldn’t really stay away or keep things friendly, so we started sleeping together. When we started, he reiterated that he was not looking for a deeply interpersonal, committed relationship, essentially labeling us “friends with benefits”. I accepted this, probably naively, but what picks at me and actually keeps me in this arrangement is that it feels like a committed relationship, despite his insistence that it’s not. We are monogamous; I spend 2-3 nights a week at his place or vice versa; in the mornings we continue to hang out on his couch and watch TV, eat breakfast etc, or if he has to leave he tells me to relax and stay in bed until I’m ready to get up (he leaves me in his apartment and I let myself out whenever I want); we speak every day, hang out with mutual friends, and complain about mundane annoyances to each other. When we do meet up, we don’t always have sex, but we always spend hours together watching movies, playing games, talking, making food, and it’s always assumed the other person will sleep over. He has met my parents (as my friend), and we make plans for the future—not a terribly distant future—but say, a road trip in 2-3 months. Even our sex life seems to be configured as part of some bigger picture. That is to say, each sexual encounter is not an isolated encounter in which we’re both just trying to get off; we talk about it as a larger whole, something we work on to make better. He offers to split costs for my birth control or any occasion I might need the morning after pill. He even told me that if I ever got pregnant and decided I wanted an abortion, he’d go with me for support if I wanted him to. There’s no sense that this is temporary or compartmentalized; there’s an assumption that we’re going to keep doing what we are doing in the foreseeable future. The only two things that seem to be “off limits” in our relationship are 1) conversations about his ex, and 2) telling people that we are sleeping together (save for our very close mutual friends).
So herein lies my conflict. Every now and again he asks me if I’m “okay” with our arrangement and reminds me that he’s emotionally unavailable/not looking for a committed relationship, and yet I have never had a more considerate and wonderful partner—committed relationship or not. He tells me that he repeats himself because he doesn’t want me to be surprised by his reluctance or distance—but I don’t actually see someone who is reluctant or distant (save for where relationship labels and his ex are concerned). He has also implied that he may wake up one day and decide things have gotten too personal and that he can’t keep up, but I don’t see how they’re not already personal. All I’m getting is that he has these really intense boundaries, but he can’t seem to articulate what they actually are. They seem completely abstract and arbitrary, and have nothing to do with the typical “rules” people have for no strings attached relationships. It feels like he insists on calling the relationship something that it’s not, and I know it’s self-protective, but I’m also baffled that he is literally the only person who doesn’t seem to realize that we function like two people in a committed relationship. But I’m also afraid to speak to him about it because I’m certain that at this point, if I were to point out that we function like a couple, he would panic, deny it, shut down—I don’t even know. I can certainly see how he is emotionally unavailable in some ways, but that hasn’t really affected his ability to be a great partner—so what gives? It doesn’t help that my two closest friends (who know him personally) are absolutely terrified for me. They think I’ll get horribly hurt—and rightly so. They feel he is being incredibly unfair/in denial/immature, and have insisted that no matter how many times he “warns” me, it doesn’t make him any less culpable if he does eventually panic and run away; it’s a cheap copout and puts the onus for all his behaviour on me.
So there you have it. A complete mess, but one I am sort of unwilling to bow out of at this point, because all in all, I am happy with the relationship; I am enjoying it and I don’t want it to end. But the rift between what the relationship seems to be and what it’s being called is driving me batty, mostly because I feel like his semantics strip me of all control, and I am left doing everything on his terms—which are pretty flipping unclear to begin with.
L
Does anyone ever read the thousands of responses on here to this exact same question?
Vey
Nope, but apparently someone likes reading the same question over and over again.
L
Not really…. he isn’t going to make you a BF. That’s the cliff notes version for your novel.
Vey
Wow–so glad the community here is supportive and friendly!
L
Do you eat a new friend or someone just to tell you like it is?
L
Want a new friend … lol!
Lane
You are in denial. He is very clear with what he wants and that is all he wants regardless of how he acts. Honestly, its pretty sad that this is your best relationship and its not even a relationship. When you settle for less, you will get less.
I know exactly where he’s at emotionally and it took me almost 4 years after my divorce before I was ready to get into another relationship again. I was in a similar FWB, but it was reverse where I was the emotional unavailable one and the guy wanted more. Over the 18 months we were together it would be easy to ASSUME we were BF/GF, but I made it very clear we were not. I eventually had to let him go when he kept pushing for more than I was capable of giving him.
You will get hurt whether you continue or not but be prepared for it to end…either you’ll get tire of it first or he will.
Jamie
I understand where you’re coming from, but it seems to me that this man is being extremely clear in his words that you are not in a relationship. Reading what you wrote, I had the urge to slap his condescending face. It sounds like he’s parroting “emotionally unavailable” as an excuse as to why he can’t treat you with respect and dignity and honor you as his partner.
Honestly, I’ve never heard of someone going around telling people they’re emotionally unavailable. People that are emotionally unavailable are usually completely unaware of it, because when they become aware of it they try to work on it. It’s an issue, like being an alcoholic. Him telling you he’s emotionally unavailable so he will never give you a committed relationship is like him telling you he’s an alcoholic so expect him to spend all his time drunk. He’s owning what is essentially a mental issue and refusing to work on it. What does that tell you about him?
In a nutshell you’re with a partner that keeps telling you he’s emotionally unavailable and he could walk away at any time if he feels *you* are getting too attached. So he’s already letting you know that if he leaves you heartbroken it’s your fault; it’s not on him. Sorry, but I’m reading this as “I’m going to leave as soon as I find Ms. Right, but in the meantime I will enjoy you as Ms. Right Now,” and then you can blame yourself for getting too attached to me.
At the end of the day he’s selfish and self centered. This relationship is about him taking advantage of you. Sorry, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear. But you deserve better. Real men don’t take advantage of women who love them, emotionally unavailable or not..that’s HIS problem, not yours.
Kelly
It’s not selfish if a person tells you they don’t want a relationship. If you choose to carry on, then the other person assumes you are ok with it.
I also find the longer the story, the less likely things are going to work. It’s like you have to add every minute detail for a glimmer of hope.
Omi G
Sounds like you’re settling for something that you don’t. He specifically told you that he’s emotionally unavailable. You should’ve ran for the hills and not waist your time on this sort of treatment. Of course a man is always going to want you around, they enjoy all the benefits of a gf yet they don’t need to make an effort, the sad case with situations like yours is YOU are allowing his behavior and YOU are OK with being treated like this. That’s why he asked you if you were ok with your relationship the way it is so he doesn’t want the drama of a gf, and he doesn’t have to commit or have a relationship with you or a future with you. He’s using you, yes you’re using him too but you aren’t going or capture his heart if that’s your goal. You are going to get hurt. Don’t settle just to have something, if you truly are ok with being treated like this then still see him but still date others and find someone else who desires what you want. You want better otherwise you wouldn’t have posted this.
Sue
I had a relationship like this end a couple months ago. I met the guy in April, just after I had ended a 5-year relationship. We slept together a few times and discussed status — Friends with Benefits. He gave me the same line about being hurt from a previous relationship, and being emotionally unavailable. But for the next 6 months he was like a boyfriend. We slept together 2-3 nights per week, went on dates, ate out in restauarants, went to shows / movies, etc. etc. We even went away to romantic destinations for several different weekends.
I was actually ok with the arrangement. The sex was good, and after ending a 5-year relationship I certainly wasn’t ready to jump into another full-scale partner relationship yet.
But sometime around October I realized 2 things: 1) I had gotten over my ex and was ready for another relationship, and 2) my new FWB relationship was starting to feel stale, kind of like a crutch. I was ready for the real thing.
I tried to bring the subject up with my FWB, and got blasted! “I have said all along that I can only give you FWB, nothing emotional! I don’t even want to have emotional conversations! NO DISCUSSIONS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP!!!” I have never seen him get so worked up about anything, and I didn’t even say that I wanted anything from him; was just trying to be honest about some of the emotions that I was going through.
Well, after that, he started distancing himself. Whatever the magic sauce was that kept us together had spoiled. I tried to talk about it, but he was absolutely unwilling. Said that emotionally, FWB should be no more serious emotionally than 2 people who hang out in a bar once in a while to have a beer and discuss politics. Oh, and they happen to have sex once in a while.
I let go. He texts me breadcrumbs once in a while, which I ignore, or respond to with breadcrumbs. It was actually difficult though. But since it was a non-relationship, I call the ending of it my “non-break-up.” I think I used it to put off feeling pain about my longer-term relationship, so now I have to emotionally deal with both. At least I don’t have my non-boyfriend to deal with though…..
Be ready for yours to end — probably for the most spurious of reasons.
Newbie
Vey, you should read the posts here because they all end the same: when the guy figures out the girl got too attached they leave the building. If they are nice guys because they realize they dont want to hurt the girl.
So they all end the same; girl confused and heartbroken.
I only know one recent case where the girl was unsure about the status but she decided to do more for herself, get her own life better, started dancing and painting and that guy locked her down.
I also find it abnormal that a guy calls himself emotionally unavaible. To me thats a term women use and websites. Guys dont realize it, they only realize thar they cant commit and they cant expres why.
So you dont want to end it. But it will so i would say better bite the bullet now than later. Talk to him about it amd if he doesnt want to make you his gf, then walk away. Really walk away.Meemee
Vey – no body can predict the end result, but this is a risky “investment” in my opinion.. I have literarily seen my guy friend did this…
So I have this guy friend who met a woman on Match… he told me, after their first date, that he knew right away that she was not “the one” because she was not pretty enough for him…However, after that, they kept in touch and before you know, they are spending time together every weekend, and of course have sex together….
He took her on all day motocycle ride, they had sex together, while he kept telling me that she was not “the one”…So I asked him if she is not the one, why string her along? His answer is – I already told her I am not looking for serious, but she is just equally bored and lonely, so we spend time together….While he continues to look for “the one”…
Eventually they broke up when she wanted more….
If she did not want more, they could still be together while he continues to look for “the one”, which he may or may not ever find….
So, it could go both ways, but definitely risky…
Betty
Vey: Do what makes you happy in the moment. No one is promised tomorrow and nothing lasts forever. Why not just be grateful for the strong connection you have with him and cherish every happy moment you spend together. People come into our lives for a reason. Keep your heart wide open as you lavish in the loyalty and devotion he is showing you. Live for today and do not worry about titles or tomorrow. XO
tina
im sorry but you are in such denial. it’s unreal.
if you were totally fine with it, thought it was cool, you wouldn’t come to this forum and seek this advice. i didn’t even read your whole novel, becasue as the other posters mentioned: this topic is talked about way too much and there is only one result !!! HE IS NOT COMMITTED, OR WILL NEVER COMMIT AS LONG AS YOU AGREE TO THIS ARRANGEMENT!!!! it don’t eve matter if he brought you 300,000 roses, took you on a surprise trip to PAris — all that means jacksh*t if he consistently tells you HE AINT YOUR BF AND DOESN’T WANT A TITLE!!! Please stop fooling yourself that you will be the one to change his mind.
i think you know what needs to be done. you need to go cold turkey so you can open up your space and heart to someoen who wants to be with you, and wants to lock you down. no amount of you sleeping with him, showing him how beautiful and wonderful you are, will make him change his mind. you know waht will maybe change his mind – and give you a 50% chance of actually being with him? (this is the highest chance that you’ll get numerically) IS TO WALK AWAY AND MEAN IT.
HE ISN’T GOING TO MISS YOU WITH YOU ALWAYS BEING THERE. THIS IS CALLED GROVELING WHEN HE ALREADY TOLD YOU HE DIDN’T WANT SOMETHING. And guess what, it’s going tokeep happening over and over again until he finds some new replacement. don’t let that happen and partake in damage control asap.you walking away dictates your terms and shows him that you’re not going to give your body, your time, your attention, your emotional investment to him anymore until he steps up to earn it. as far as i read (and i didn’t read too far) because your title of the post says it all…fwb, but he treats you like a gf = gf benefits without doing or earning a damn thing for it. that’s what it means.
go cold turkey and shoot him a text saying this: hey, i’ve been thinking about this arrangement and it doesn’t work for me anymore. i’m looking for more and while it’s been fun, i’m looking for something more long-term. i need to go my own way and date others and you should too. my door is opened if you’re ready, but in the meantime i will go my own way because i’m not interested im being friends (with benefits). good luck and take care.
that’s it. although if i were you , i’d go cold turkey and simply say goodbye and goodluck to your other friends with benefits. you dictate how others will treat you. no one else. rememeber that.
tina
stastically speaking, if you really are clouded by emotions-
1. by you being there and staying in this arrangement – you have a 50% chance of him saying he’ll want to choose you over the other chicks he has blowing up his phone.
– now this isn’t guaranteed and you’re going to have to deal with all these emotions by staying in this less than desired arrangement.2. by you walking away – you have a 50% chance of him coming back and tellign you he wants to be with you only*. walking away affords you to have your self respect, dignity and equalizing the power in this unbalanced scenario. out of sight, out of mind – you won’t have those negative emotions becasue you’er not in contact w/ him. easier for you to move on and he may potentially come back. either way you f*ckin win in this situation.
this is a declaration, not a negotiation, remember. becasue what are the other alternativeS? the other alternatives puts you at a loser hand. you know what you need to do.
Nat
This is like what? a third case of almost exactly the same situation?
“who doesn’t seem to realize that we function like two people in a committed relationship” – do not fool yourself. He realizes everything, you ARE in a committed relationship, if it looks like a duck it is a duck, he REFUSES to call it such so that he has all the convenience of cheating, walking away without a warning, not talk about things when you want to talk about them, and an upper hand on EVERYTHING in general. This is a game so many men use! and so many women fall for.
The other case when a guy REFUSES to even talk about relationships??!! Let him buy an escort if he does not want to talk.
Women stop this deplorable usury please. Have some dignity. If you are doing what by all appearances and parameters a relationship, then you are in a relationship and if your guy tells you to your face that he is “unavailable” or NOT in a relationship, keeps “reminding” you about it, you are allow him to USE you in a very cynical and selfish way. I would not have any respect for a guy who does it. if you don’t want a relationship then stay single and buy hookers. Do not sting women along with “reminders”. How convenient. Dump his unavailable ass and let him “remind” someone else. As soon as you make yourself unavailable to him for real, sit back and watch how he’d come crying for attention. In 4-6 weeks.
Peggy
I disagree with Betty- Vey,if you were happy living in “the moment” and did not feel attached and want more,you would not be on here asking us about things. I am with the others-this likely will end badly-in heartbreak-I would stop seeing him now. Besides this is wasting time and energy that could be invested in the man who wants you in a real relationship. Also ,some men who are emotionally unavailable ARE aware of it but use it to there own ends-having casual fun- instead of seeking therapy so they can be ready for real relationships.
kaye
I’m really not sure what it is you’re not getting here. You do seem to be in denial. Let me explain it to you. This guy just got out of a 6 year relationship, he is used to the comforts of a committed relationship and he is missing that. So he sleeps with you, hangs out with you, has breakfast with you, spends a few days a week with you. He has inserted you where his ex used to be in his life, and using you as a crutch to get over that relationship. You aren’t even a rebound because he has said REPEATEDLY he doesn’t want a relationship with YOU!!
The reason he checks up and ask you if you’re OK with this arrangement is because as soon as he figures out you are getting attached or expecting more or starting to act like a girlfriend he is going to bolt!! You can sit there all day searching for “signs” that he’s really in a relationship with you but he’s just in denial, when in fact you are the one in denial. You see, you are a band aid to help him get over his ex. I mean he won’t even talk to you about her. And once he starts to heal, he will rip off the band aid and throw it away. You have been warned…this won’t end well but it will end.
Omi G
I have to disagree with Betty in this quote “be grateful for the strong connection you have with him” and “lavish in the loyalty and devotion he is showing you.” – ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
How is anything what he’s doing lavish or devotion? He may be loyal when it comes to FWB up till he finds the woman worth locking down. How is that going to make anyone feel? It won’t be him that will be getting hurt. I would NOT be proud of being anyone’s FWB.
Hannah
I know you don’t see it but you’re describing a FWB. I’ve had several and they’ve acted just like a boyfriend. But they weren’t! The key differences are we knew we were never going to fall in love with each other, we saw each other 2 or 3 times a week but weren’t committed to seeing each other at all and either one of us could walk away at any moment with no hard feelings.
What you need to take from this is he acts like a boyfriend but he knows he’ll never EVER feel like he’said your boyfriend. He’s never ever going to fall in love with you. Remember that. He won’t. He’s decided he won’t so he won’t. If you’re OK with that, carry on. If not, don’t.
I think it’s interesting his last relationship was long distance. That’s very attractive to emotionally unavailable people as really you can’t show full commitment to someone if they’re miles away. I think this guy has emotional issues.
Betty
I guess I see things differently because I’m older and not in the same frame of mind as you ladies. I’ve learned to just relax and enjoy happy times with men that aren’t going to end up long term. In fact I would have to be absolutely nuts over a man before I’d even think about settling down or moving in with him. But I wish sometimes with all my heart that I’d focused more on the fun instead of holding my breath, wondering how the guy really feels, or feeling I need more, and all those other thoughts that were always fueled by insecurity. I wasted lots of time by not focusing on the moment because I was too consumed with what the future holds. The rules are different for us older people I guess.
Newbie
Betty that is a fair point when you have that mindframe. Im the same, but i got hooked on a guy anyway.
But if youre looking for signs he is acting as a bf, hoping it will evolve, getting in fixing the guy mode, then you dont have that mindset. And if you actually are looking for a longer term partner and partnership then going with the flow in these situations wont help you. Most women here are between 35-55 i think so its a broad spectrumredcurleysue
Ok…let us look at this from his perspective. He does not want you to become his GF. He has made that clear…but he wants all the comforts of a GF. He likes the lifestyle but does not want to commit to it. He wants to be able to walk away easily.
So, where does this leave you? Well, it depends on what you want. If you want a real relationship you will not get it from this man. If you want to play GF until the day he tires of it or meets someone he wants to make his GF then just know it could end at any moment.
All this FWB stuff is a sham to me. To me it is just getting free sex without responsibility and there is no real value gotten for someone who wants more than that. And most people do want more than that…
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