This topic contains 38 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Vera 2 weeks ago.
November 20, 2019 at 4:15 am #777900
need some unbiased advice, please! I went on a first date last Sunday with a guy I met online. We’re both busy so we’ve had to cancel a few times. From the get-go our communication methods were different; I don’t have time for non-stop texting but conversation with him on text was hard going. He admitted that he’s not good on the phone and better in person. So we met, had a great date. Felt like we were clicking and being together was easy. We went back to his for food and ended up having sex. Sex was amazing. I woke up in the morning and he was cuddly. Whilst I was getting ready to leave I noticed a shelf full of beauty serums and hair products. I softly asked him if he had a gf and explained that I’m only asking because there’s a lot of guys that are dating outside of their relationship. He got hurt and said he can’t believe I asked that. I wasn’t being accusatory. I texted him 2 days later to say ‘hey had fun hope I didnt offend. my intention was innocent would like to see you again.’ He read it and now silence. Is he waiting a while? Are we done? Do I message again in a week or so? It’s a shame as our energy and sex was amazing.November 20, 2019 at 6:38 am #777902
That’s one way to kill the mood and momentum! All you have to do is say something the wrong way, or at the wrong time, and in the snap of finger all interest is immediately evaporated. I’ve had men say things that were instant interest killers and had zero desire to talk or see them again, even when they responded the same way you did, that it wasn’t meant that way but it’s the only way it could be taken from the listener.
I would stop all contact, accept this one is gone, chalk it up to a lesson learned that those kind of questions really should be sussed out prior to sleeping with a man, not immediately afterwards.November 20, 2019 at 8:16 am #777907
Well, fact is not a lot of men have shelves full of beauty serums and haircare products if they are straight. Was he really well put together in terms of perfect hair etc? He is probably either fresh out of a relationship or currently in one. Also- the cancels and lack of communication point to someone being around.
Personally, the fact that he left you on read is a giant waving red flag. I’d do the old block and delete and not put any more effort into this guy. Period.November 20, 2019 at 9:15 am #777909
Well I think I posed the question well. Wasn’t much of a mood killer other than there was a women’s skin and haircare shelf staring at me. So he could’ve either said they’re his or that they’re an exes and leave it at that. I have enough self awareness to be able to read a room and know when to press a subject but I was within my right to ask and I don’t feel guilty about it. My question was more about wether I should try and reach out or not since we did have a great connection.November 20, 2019 at 9:29 am #777910
I wouldn’t reach out to him. Him not replying and leaving you on read is a big sign he’s not interested. A guy who is interested would not let the opportunity to see you again pass by.
I think there are two issues here. The 1st issue is the question you asked, which was definitely a mood killer and clearly put him on the defensive. It is odd that he had a shelf of women’s beauty products. Unless he has a teenage daughter (I have a teenage son who lives with me, so I have men’s care products in my bathroom; but my boyfriend obviously knows they’re my son’s), he must have a woman who comes around and spends the night, or did have a woman until very very recently.
The other issue I see is that you slept with him on the 1st date. I’m not against that in principle, and I’ve certainly done it more than once. But I find a lot of guys lose interest after sex on the 1st date. Women get swept up in the “great connection” on the 1st date and hop into bed with a guy, and afterwards the guy feels no motivation to court you or seek a relationship with you. It’s happened to me and it’s happened to pretty much every woman I know at some point. Guys are not bonded with you or invested in you after 1 date, and having sex with a guy does not create a bond. Only after he’s emotionally bonded to you does sex strengthen that bond he feels with you. But after only 1 date, he’s been there, done that, so he moves on to the next woman.
So in my estimation it’s hard to know if it was the question, or giving up sex on the 1st date, or a combination of the two– but the guy has lost interest. I wouldn’t message him again, have some pride, it would just look like you’re begging if you keep asking to see him when he’s not responding. He knows how to reach you if he wants to see you.November 20, 2019 at 9:39 am #777911
” My question was more about wether I should try and reach out or not since we did have a great connection.”
Lust is not a real connection. You had lust, which is very common. It’s hard to maintain lust, unless both of you are onboard. He clearly has no interest in being pushed into anything. He may reach out again because men appreciate good sex. But he is not sitting around thinking about the amazing connection you had at this point. He wanted sex, got it, and has moved onto other things in life.
If he had met you and been like, wow, she is the one, he would have explained the women’s products or laughed off your question or done what he could to assure you. He’d be reaching out for a second date.November 20, 2019 at 9:39 am #777912
And easy answer, no do not reach out again. And if he reaches out to you, you need to right the ship, be honest about what you want and start over again with sex off the table.November 20, 2019 at 10:13 am #777915
Dylan, are you male or female? Because from the way you write and your photo, it seems like you are male? Only asking because if you are, I understand from my gay male friends it’s very common for gay men to hook up right away, they handle it differently than women. Regardless…
If he really liked you and there wasn’t another woman on the scene, he would have laughed it off.
If he’s super vain and those were his products, he has no sense of humor.
I’ve found people only get overly angry when you’ve hit on a truth they’re uncomfortable with.
Let him be. Not the right one for you.November 20, 2019 at 11:22 am #777920
I don’t see why asking that question would be a mood killer.
If he has nothing to hide he would not have left you on read and got all defensive.
Don’t reach out to him again, he probably does have a gf or someone he is seeing regularly.November 20, 2019 at 12:34 pm #777929
Don’t reach out to him. He’s not interested so just block him.November 20, 2019 at 1:12 pm #777930
Nothing wrong with what you asked in my opinion.
But regardless I would say no do not reach out .November 20, 2019 at 1:21 pm #777931
Allie raised a good question…are you a man? If so, getting advice from a bunch of chicks might not be your best bet. Haha. If not, you could have scared him off by asking a somewhat intrusive question considering the amount of time you’ve spent together (basically none). So he could be turned off and thinking it’s none of your business, etc and if you’re asking him questions like this now, then what’s to come in the future? However, he did sleep with you. So you know each other very well in that respect. Unfortunately, not a good way to get to know someone..And was the shelf in his room or bathroom? If it was in his medicine cabinet, then that’s a bit weird because you’re kind of snooping. I had a friend once who slept with a guy (too soon) who had women’s products (razors etc) in his shower. She asked him about it and he never talked to her again. Definitely for the best…but I think he lost all interest in her because she was poking around. Anyways, people you meet on dating apps tend to be looking for casual sex. He got what he wanted and is now being a dick. Cut your losses. And consider getting and STD test…November 20, 2019 at 1:42 pm #777932
Of course you do not want to date and/or be sexually intimate with someone if there’s a possibility that he/she is already in a committed relationship, so your concern is valid. You had sex on the first date, so, I guess that is the risk you take.November 20, 2019 at 1:46 pm #777933
I don’t think you posed the question well at all!! There is no way it wasn’t accusatory! It’s one thing to ask if a guy is recently out of a relationship (hence the beauty products) but it’s totally another to say you’re “asking because there’s a lot of guys that are dating outside of their relationship.” Essentially you are going straight to the guy is a cheater instead of any other reasonable explanation!! Please explain how that’s not a mood killer, an accusation and an insult to him?!?! Insulting a man’s integrity is a such fire way to not got on a 2nd date! Maybe you will learn from this and choose your words/questions more wisely.November 20, 2019 at 1:48 pm #777934
New Newbie, could you consider another name? Its confusing to me since i used it for years now. Or otherwise i will change mine to something less NewbieNovember 20, 2019 at 1:52 pm #777935
“New Newbie, could you consider another name? Its confusing to me since i used it for years now. Or otherwise i will change mine to something less Newbie”.
Can my username be “new Newbie”?November 20, 2019 at 2:06 pm #777939
Lol Yeah thanks. I hope you get used to it or ill change mine to diehardNovember 20, 2019 at 2:12 pm #777942
I agree with Kaye. The question implied that he is cheating or doing something unethical (having sex outside of a relationship). So it wasn’t a neutral question. She didn’t ask why he had the products, and leave it at that. She asked why he had the products and then asked if he had a girlfriend and said “I’m only asking because there’s a lot of guys that are dating outside of their relationship.” There’s a world of difference between asking a simple question and making a statement like that.
Also his reaction shows that it was most definitely not a neutral question. She hit a nerve by asking it.
So yeah, it was a mood killer and it put him on the defensive. If you are ever in a similar situation in the future and want to ask, just ask him why he has women’s products, and leave it at that. Let him answer before you imply he’s in a relationship and cheating.November 20, 2019 at 4:45 pm #778028
“Lol Yeah thanks. I hope you get used to it or ill change mine to diehard”.
The universe is being weird today. Guess we collided.November 21, 2019 at 12:27 am #778047
I really like new Newbie as a username! I think it’s cute!! 😃
(oh wait . . . no one asked my opinion . . . got carried away there . . . carry on)November 21, 2019 at 2:42 am #778048
Hey everyone just wanted to post an UPDATE. He messaged me last night and explained that he’s had a stressful few days and hasn’t even thought about my question and he really wants to see me again. Happy days. All sorted and I’m very pleased. Also, FYI I’m very much a woman :)November 21, 2019 at 3:26 am #778049
Better off single
Tread carefully. This guy may have just ended a relationship.November 21, 2019 at 7:16 am #778050
Dylan, nice to hear it’s been sorted. :)November 21, 2019 at 11:01 am #778065
Well I’m sure you feel much better now. Look at all of us assuming 1000 things..as women tend to do! Overanalyze. Anyways, still be weary of the fact you met on a dating app and slept together very soon. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. He could be looking for a FWB or casual hook up. Best of luckNovember 21, 2019 at 11:42 am #778067
Yup, I agree with Ames. I’m glad he responded eventually but don’t over-invest emotionally at this point.
The fact is, he did not message you, you had to message him 2 days after the date; and he left you on read and it took him a couple days to reply. If a guy is into you, he would never be “too stressed” to reply to a text. And he wouldn’t leave you hanging 4+ days. Texting you back takes 60 seconds max.
I’m not trying to be a Debbie downer, just a realist. He may be looking for FWB or casual, and figures since you slept together on the 1st date, you’d be willing to do that. So be clear about what you want and expect from him. It’s easy to get excited because he finally texted you back, but wait and see if he actually sets up dates and is willing to date you without the expectation of sex at the end.